where to go from here

I've decided to cut my hair and begin wearing my unit until I figure out the next steps. It took a few days to accept the loss of my hair, and a whole lot of reefer; Peaches and Cream to be exact to make the decision to move forward rather than wallow in the grief of what is becoming my life. I recall many Moon's ago, when I was first diagnosed with anxiety disorder; I made it clear to myself that I did not want to have a tub of medications for various ailments, one creating the need for the other due to side effects and such. Although I don't remember much of my childhood, I do remember witnessing or maybe observing that lifestyle and I knew at a young age that I wanted no parts of it. Now I find myself with major illness, faced with the question of how to or where to go from here and I am scared. Scared of making poor decisions concerning my mortality and quality of life. 

Since I am scheduled for treatment this coming week I figure I would speak with my doctor and figure out how to proceed after this treatment. I've already begun loosing my hair so that should not be my reason for discontinuing treatment. I have yet to access the condition of my hair, once it fell out for the third day I just pinned it up and said I'd leave it for my beautician to deal with. It's been this way since Wednesday, that is until a good friend sent a gift to make things more presentable, allowing me to leave the house for various essentials. I am grateful for my support system of friends who have been here for me and willing to step out of their comfort zone and into a very caring, supportive role while being extremely thoughtful throughout this ordeal. Lending a listening ear without judgement, sending gifts, offering words of insight and/or wisdom as well as prayers along the way have all been quite helpful as a lot of days have been on the bad side rather than good.

In real life I keep a lot of what I'm going through to myself because it seems as if many of those around me can't quite handle me being "sick" or needing days to rest. Perhaps they are used to the "strong, independent Woman" they see me to be; that Woman is exhausted. On one hand I think perhaps that's what got me into this mess (regarding my health), then I remember those years of poor choices and bad decisions. Who knows why the choices I made manifested these conditions whereas many others have lived on the same diet, lack of exercise and smoking without seeing the negative impact yet others have no such luck. While making those poor decisions I thought of the possible outcomes and arrogantly considered I'd be one of those people who eat poorly, smoke a lot and live to be 105 or something. Unfortunately, that isn't my story at least it doesn't seem to be at this stage of the game. Each day I am awakened it now takes a while to recognize how I feel, taking a long time to find the mindset of positive thinking, manifestation and the like. 

Interestingly enough I have been practicing prayer for a very long time, later adding meditation, affirmations and the philosophy of positive thinking. Being conscience of the words I speak and write, sending well wishes in various scenarios, etc. Not saying "I don't deserve" to be sick, because life happens to us all; some would say this stop on the path of my journey was predestined, I don't know if I believe that. In my years of life as I've transitioned from a girl to a woman I've learned to leave God's business to God and once I say my prayer in faith to leave it to be done. Many people have proclaimed how "you got this" and I am praying each day for the strength, courage and sanity to do just that; you know, "beat cancer's ass". I know people may think that is what a person in this situation wants to hear and perhaps some do; unfortunately I am not one of those people. I do question at times the knowledge of spiritual information like, feeling in alignment or seeing angel numbers and such then finding yourself with such life altering ailments at such a young(ish) age.

I have plans to visit the beach soon as I am also anticipating the beauty of the Full Moon in the week's to come. I did some "grounding" the last time I was there; the sound of the waves with the sensation of the sand engulfing my feet as I sat at the beach, visualizing a life so different from the one I find myself living. I envision a soft life, in a realm of my dreams or perhaps my next lifetime; where I pray I hold onto the lessons learned thus far along with the wisdom and knowledge of how to do life better next time. I don't know enough about reincarnation to believe in it or not, but in some aspect I do believe that the soul is immortal so once we leave our bodies the soul moves on; maybe experiencing the womb and birthing process all over again. So, maybe I do believe in reincarnation in the simplest way I can imagine. I often request that my next life isn't as hard as this one has been. 

I am not requesting a life without challenges, we all have things in our lives that challenge us in ways only a particular path could; and overcoming those challenges often leads to wisdom, strength and/or a level of courage that is earned by coming though whatever the struggle was. I believe when I'm on the other side of cancer: after chemotherapy, radiation and surgery I will be a different person. I see glimpses of her some days, she's more "no nonsense" than I used to be; I used to be so laid back where everything was "okay" or going with the flow now I recognize some things I no longer want in my life and other areas where I should tighten up my boundaries. I heard somewhere this past week someone said "I don't want anything that doesn't want me" and I felt that in a way that caused me to re-evaluate things that I've been avoiding for some time.

For example: I don't want to continue with chemotherapy and I am unsure about how I feel about radiation however, would it be in my best interest to continue with this treatment plan [in an attempt to reduce the chances of growing cancer cells in the future]? Then I question whether the treatment will be as effective since it is an experience I do not want to have so my energy may be indifferent. How does the energy I bring to the situation help or harm me in this predicament? With the false sense of ease with the initial treatment followed by pain, hair loss and other side effects I will hope for a better outcome with the second treatment as this time I know of some preventative measures which should prevent the pain I experienced the other week. Unexpectedly, I have a flash of a film; "Fight Club" and I am remembering parts of the support group storyline and I feel alone. I have yet to attend the support group for breast cancer and I am unsure if I will (virtually or in person). I don't know how I would truly benefit from that experience as it was not helpful when attempting to visit support groups for bipolar or anxiety disorder.

I am visualizing a lot these days, finding more detail in how I'd like to spend my time. I intend to visit the beach more, spend more time with the Moon, have more adventures and speak the words I hold in. The feeling of being repressed is a different type of frustration, wanting to say words yet not having the words to say is a special type of writer's block that nothing in a book can prepare you for. I've been holding things in for a few days with a few people and I am weighing if I am being petty by not saying anything or if it's maturity in not saying things in a rush to prevent saying the wrong things. Giving time and space the opportunity to figure out the best words to share for an experience that's for the highest good to all involved. I know it may seem very disingenuous but in my heart and mind I've learned to pray for the best outcome for everyone, not solely how I want things to go. I used to be such a brat and selfish or perhaps self-centered. I've outgrown the antics of being that way even when it pops up on occasion.

I think I need a few more days to myself; with the beach, the Moon, a few loved ones, a lot of prayer, meditation and hopefully the tears that so longingly want to flow down my face, but won't for some reason. On Wednesday I was on the verge of tears the entire day; I nearly forgot about that until I asked myself as I typed those words, what do I want for the coming week? I want to find the space within where the tears will fall and each will release a story that I am holding onto that is no longer serving me. I want to shed the tears of the life I've lived thus far and release the ideas of how I thought things should have gone as opposed to facing the reality of the hand I've been dealt and playing it to the best of my ability. I believe I've done that to an extent, however, when I am being honest with myself I know there were times when I could have made a better decision had I researched or asked more questions or took a risk rather than play it safe. Those are the decisions I regret, causing me to ask myself for forgiveness and the ability to move forward without dwelling on those things.

I've been bracing myself for a truthful conversation with myself about the amount of reefer I consume. In lieu of smoking cigarettes I notice I've been smoking a lot more reefer, at times to combat stress and frustration and other times to settle side effects of cancer and chemotherapy. Nonetheless, I need to pull back a little [as I contemplate sparking another infused preroll]... upon opening the container I am pleasantly surprised to find two when I thought it was the last of this batch. It's early in the day and 4:20 a.m. just passed reminding me that I should honor the tradition of 4:20 and smoke this joint! Which also reminds me of the cannabis oil I've been holding onto and often slip my mind that I still have; it's time to make more hot beverages infused with cannabis oil. The only thing I dislike about these particular infused joints is how fast they burn, not allowing to type as I smoke without watching the joint burn up. Inhaling the smoke along with the lyrics of the music and the vibe I've created for myself puts me in a state of being that is relaxed yet full of thoughts and questions. 

I took to a couple of my social media outlets and wrote: "this would be the perfect time for me to hit the lottery..."  I then think of the good I could do for others and the thought of the quality of life I could create for myself almost brings those tears back to the surface. Then the song changes and my thoughts began to scatter a bit, it's Pink Floyd and I feel like I'm on a psychedelic ride into my dreams. The number of times I've dreamt about winning the lottery and going through the emotions of having won has caused me to question manifestation and what I am missing as I feel as if I should have manifested the jackpot by now. Half serious, I do wonder what element is causing this not to come true for me as of yet. It's interesting how some people say things like "God gives 'his' toughest battles to 'his' strongest soldiers" and it's always said at a time of adversity; I'd like to show the tough battle of maintaining wealth after winning the lottery. I'd rather that "battle" than the one I find myself "fighting".

It's 5 a.m. and I'm somewhere between hungry and sleepy when the thought of smoking another joint comes to mind while I am still feeling the effects of the last joint I smoked not too long ago. I've decided to take a nap and resume this expression when I awaken...