earrings and eyebrows

For the past few days I've had thoughts concerning body image, self esteem and confidence; as I am getting used to seeing myself without hair. I have gotten compliments from friends, family as well as strangers since shaving my head and I feel as if they are genuine. Opting less and less to wear my unit, I feel as if I am embracing the reality of life as I know it.  Illness and aging has a way of putting things into perspective; I no longer want to spend time in places or with people that don’t treat me well or whose energy is off-putting. Although there are some circumstances where I don't have the luxury to disengage I am making sure to exercise the privilege where I can.  Debating smoking another joint, taking a nap or allowing an expression to take up space on the screen. I haven't figured out if I am stalling or processing the words to share; with the eclipse, mercury retrograde, various changes within my being and my natural moodiness I will admit to setting a few bridges ablaze. Lately when given the option I've chosen violence rather than to hold my tongue and leave things unsaid; rather than keeping those thoughts to myself I am choosing to express them regardless of the outcome. 

When it comes to my self-esteem, I feel as if my identity was in relation to my career and when that resulted in the outcome we know it to be I began to feel as if my life didn't center around my intelligence so I focused on the physical. Taking pride in my physical attributes which make me who I thought I was. Then things began falling apart, first with weight gain then eczema and now the effects of chemotherapy (baldness). I realized that I rarely wear earrings and I haven't arched my eyebrows in many Moon's, making me wonder if I should begin emphasizing my eyebrows and wearing earrings. Well, I had to replace my go-to earrings and I thought to allow a friend to apply makeup and do an impromptu photoshoot [I'm exaggerating- more like a photo or two]. I even thought of posting it on social media, even if it's only Facebook where it's strictly family.  

One thing I believe I've learned recently is the concept of self-love not simply being about acceptance, care and compassion; it's also about establishing boundaries as well as enforcing those boundaries. Which can look like burning bridges. When I think of how I present myself to the world each day and I go sans makeup and hair pieces I am owning myself [flaws and all]. However this newfound display makes me seriously consider doing a little more at least on occasion. Learning each day to love a new aspect of myself, to be gentle and mindful of myself and my needs at any given moment. Allowing myself to be vulnerable with myself and on occasion you guys, I honestly believe those are my safest spaces. These days with the exception of a couple friends, I have felt alone; as if I do not know where my safe places are. As if should the tears decide to fall, I have no one to console me in that moment, that's a lonely feeling.