dresses with pockets and polka dots

So the appointment went well and I am in much better spirits than I have been for the past couple of weeks. Slowly recognizing grief along with an emergency coming [somewhat] out of the blue caught me off guard; as if dealing with cancer wasn't enough... Nevertheless, life goes on apparently. 

It's interesting how something this major allows one to appreciate some things that may be so minor to someone else; such as the ability to drive to a nail appointment or to the beach on a beautiful afternoon. Those sights and emotions attached are something I want to experience until my final days, the energy of both are "out of this world" for me. 

I am grateful for the fact I was unaware of the stroke with one exception; a glitch with my vision. Aside from that there were no other signs of its occurrence, which says a lot as far as strokes' go. I am thankful to have better options than early on whereas the first doctor suggested things being irreparable with very little research into the matter. I am appreciative for the many prayers, well wishes and positive energy on my behalf from those who love and care for me. 

I made a few changes when it comes to boundaries and sticking with them. As this time of year approaches and I have much to reminisce over, I am choosing to take this time to focus on myself rather than being so easily accessible. Taking the necessary time and energy for self-care, self-improvement, healthcare and the like. I thought I was doing fairly well with the exception of some health needs as the primary focus had been on getting cancer in remission. 

I was almost jokingly telling a couple of people about how I stopped smoking [about a pack and a half a day], changed some eating habits and that's when I have a stroke? Seems a bit odd; then I considered the lasting effects of such behaviors and as my body and mind had the ability to slow down from the "busy" life I was leading prior to cancer. Perhaps the damage was done and I slowed down enough for it to catch up with me?  

Summer is my least favorite time of year to visit the beach; too many people and anxiety, not the right combination for what I consider a good time. Then I thought I would have to give up driving, which was yet another reason I was devastated and depressed for approximately two weeks. That's when this all began, about two weeks ago; literally in a blink of an eye. Things are good then they're not. It's so clichè to get on a "soap box" encouraging others to be mindful of their health after finding myself in such predicament having to reconsider some things I am exhausted from having them apart of my daily life. Medication, daily is not the life I would have signed up for.

I expressed these thoughts when I was first diagnosed with anxiety disorder, so much so I explained to the doctor I did not want to be prescribed medication after medication based on the side effects of one causing issues resulting in another. Yet here we are, with that being the case with my health scaring me left and right. I have an appointment with my primary care physician this week and I intend to discuss the matter with her and see if we can reach a compromise. 

I've been on cherry slurpie for quite some time, all Summer; I think. I'd put in on the list near Golden Ticket or Blue Dream for various reasons. It takes a lot of effort to be grateful and such when you're sick; yet I don't feel as if I am special for doing that. I feel as if some people are able to achieve those emotions without much effort, that's special. However, as stated on the previous expression Capricorn's are known to be pessimistic I find it special that I've learned to tap into the other elements of my natal chart in order to blend my personal solar system into something unlike my nature with what comes with a bit of ease [as it's been a practice for some time now]. 

On the bright side [no pun intended] I've spent time with the Moon in her various phases while dealing with the happenings of the past couple of weeks. She brings me peace and a sense of love that I only get when connected to the Moon. Without the beach and a few other pleasures I am finding the effort to find acceptance quickly and to my satisfaction news came in as I heard it in my meditations and prayers. 

One of my favorite dresses has polka dots and pockets, it's also a long maxi dress; another favorite. Today was like my favorite polka dot dress with pockets. The past couple weeks I've been focused on my health [mental, physical, financial, emotional, etc.] realizing I've been putting bandages on some real wounds that need serious attention, discipline and a better awareness. For the past fifteen years spirituality was on the forefront of my mind. Making sure to stimulate my pineal gland and "speaking life into my higher self"; at one point choosing to be abstinent until I felt aligned with my lover.

At another point smoking sativa for about five consecutive years not fully understanding how that would affect my "third eye" and such. I've long outgrown the ideology of thinking a conscience lifestyle should be all "blue skies and rainbows" or "positive energy only"; had I been in that mind-frame I would be even more devastated with the happenings of the past few years. I actually acknowledged all the goings on of the past twelve years: anxiety attack, diagnosis (anxiety disorder/ depression), housing insecurity, mental health issues, automobile accidents, passings of loved ones, bipolar disorder diagnosis, passing of my Dad, cancer and finally a stroke; like why am I under attack? 

At times I am truly surprised when I awake in the mornings, I make sure to say "Good Morning ☀️" to my Mom, Rocko (my emotional support animal) and a few other loved ones daily. Whereas a few others I may not speak with daily, but I know some of them know what they mean to me should that day come when I wake up unalive. I am actively putting things in pace for that occurrence unlike days of old when I'd begin and not finish what needs to be completed. 

An advance directive is one of the final steps to complete and I've been stalling for the past seven years that it's been brought to my attention that it's necessary. Anyway, I'll take care of it soon. Now to something more uplifting, like this weed... They say a good sign of life is to have a healthy sexual appetite so I feel as if things are looking up; it's been all over the place, but thoughts of my lover consume me. My desires are nearly overflowing and in a sense I love it, the thought of allowing the thirst to be quenched [sigh] I'm not ready for that just yet. I feel as if it's keeping me alive.

Something to look forward to, I've shared many times before; how having things to look forward to keeps me in good spirits especially now that my mortality is in question. There we go again, ending up on the mortality aspect of things. It's as if I can't shake the thoughts of that topic. I don't wish to be a person who is contently speaking of their ailments and the unhappiness it can cause. I am choosing to be as happy as I can be; under the circumstances. Making the "best" out of this thing called "life".