Emptiness

"I've always been someone who looks 'too deep' into something or someone.  That's because I realized from a young age that there's always more than what meets the eye."
- unknown

It feels as if I've had several "mother's" in this lifetime; unfortunately, none of them were my own. I suppose aside from God I have no idea who to ask or the appropriate description of how it came to be, nevertheless I had to mature at an extremely young age. I don't remember much of a childhood, I recall brief flashbacks of sorts and some memories, but not the typical coming of age story movies are made of. Often times, especially since developing mental illnesses and being on a leave of absence from work I find myself feeling as if I've been an adult far longer than my actual age. While other times I feel like such a baby, constantly attending to my well-being; mind, body and soul, it seems as if that should be a way of life as we all are responsible for our wellness in all aspects of being, but something about my life now as opposed to how it was prior to these circumstances. At times I want to cry, however the thoughts following the feeling have no true meaning so the tears are blocked. Thats one thing I believe I've learned throughout many of my experiences in this life, which is to make sure to be thoughtful as well as do things with meaning. I have my reasons for this philosophy which I do not think I want to share at this time, but we'll see how the words comes together...

Some years are not as difficult as others, the most difficult part is I usually don't know how I'll feel about it until it is on the horizon; Mother's Day. I think this is the "holiday" I actually hate the most. As a child it was always a weird day, leading up to along with it's final hours, then Monday came and it was over; I've never loved Monday's, but the weekend of Mother's Day is the one time I've ever been happy for Monday to show up. Normally I keep these feelings to myself as not to shit on people who actually had a wonderful mother and all of the memories and heart-felt moments to show for it yet this year is different. I don't know what to do with these feelings or how to accurately identify them all, however I do know that I do not wish to dive too deep into it all. I awoke this morning in a strange mood; I was happy, had a good night's rest and felt motivated to run some errands before the day got away from me. Then I remembered the weekend and the "holiday" and instantly I felt some type of way, a way that hits me sporadically and oftentimes leaves me in tears. Today was different, this time my heart was touched in a way that I can not describe and the tears are on standby hoping for a release. Everything else is numb and at times my heart grows cold. I am exhausted! I am exhausted of being my own mother. Not in a sense of "I've become my mother" but in the literal sense of taking the responsibility of myself as my mother was supposed to. I feel as if I have had to take on that role since I was five years old and I am exhausted.

But mother's can't get exhausted, and even when they do they can't stop anything when the children are in need; right? So I tell my inner child to hold on to the tears because I have to (as usual) be the mother that I need for myself in order to survive the (what seems to be) never-ending curveballs life feels the need to throw these days. I want to cry, but the tears won't fill the emptiness nor will they wash away the bullshit so what meaning will they have? What do you do with them? More importantly, who understands? I think that's the thing... I rarely think of my mother when I think of a mother, not to shit on her, more because when I think of my mother, I think of myself. Eventually I took all of the things said to me and formed my own philosophies based on known intellectuals, studying them almost as an obsession then tailoring them to fit the person I envision myself to become. At times I feel as if I've missed the mark and in other moments I am surprised; I won't go into detail, but it's odd to see your life and where you've come from along with where you are and how you got there. Even more so when you see a future that looks impossible yet somewhere or somehow you trust or maybe believe is a better term, that the person you see yourself as will come to fruition. I read a quote that said:

"my growth came when I realized that I do not have to experience life the way I have been told to."
- unknown

I don't recall how old I was when I realized this to be true even though I would not read the above quote for many years after experiencing the sentiment. The roadblocks, pitfalls and detours of this life are always on my mind. Not compulsively, but in steady rotation. On occasion I'll ask myself why certain situations are occurring and I can usually retrace events which lead to the origin of a calamity. Then I'll think if at that time there were some other options which could have prevented what followed. I find myself at a crossroads, the hospitalization last month truly put some things in perspective and brought up some things for me to look into. I woke up this morning and I wrote, but from my phone and when I pressed a button everything written vanished, I took that as a moment to reflect and see if the desire to write would return and what words would form. My heart feels empty, not because of lack, but in a sense of a faucet overflowing with nothing to catch the excess so rather than being fulfilled it's just a mess. That's how I feel; robbed. And I don't know where or how to process the hurt especially when the one responsible doesn't care that it exists. How do you heal despite the circumstances? 

Wake me when Monday comes...

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