Retrograde's, Summer Wind's & the Moon

“And suddenly you know: It's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.” 

Meister Eckhart

One thing I've learned has been to trust new beginnings, giving them room for something different; hopefully something better to occur in my life. I've learned that although some things may look similar to something in the past it is also a chance to put all of the "lessons learned" to use; as well as embrace a new experience. I think with so much of my focus on things causing nostalgia it's great to look forward to things, setting new goals and leaving self open to evolving or being enlightened. I think that's what I'm looking forward to in the present moment; chances to be enlightened along this new journey I find myself on. 

Lately, there have been plenty of earthquakes near my area, add to that the recent Solar Eclipse, several planets in retrograde and the approaching Lunar Eclipse in the coming weeks. All of that feels like a new life to me, I often joke about living so many lifetimes; I mean, I even feel like this present life I'm living feels new every so often. Some events seem like they happened in a different life, like the saying goes "I was a totally different person then". In a sense I'm feeling as if this entry should be on the other blog as it feels like an excerpt from the statement "...a girl; evolving, loving, learning, growing, becoming; a woman.". I feel as if the girl I once was has communicated with the woman I am becoming to say it's time to move forward to something else. I know this is a result of many therapy sessions, tarot readings and meditations/ prayers, nevertheless I will admit to being a bit scared to dive into the next phase, especially with so much going on in the cosmos.  Which reminds me of the phrase "the show must go on" such is life; no matter what, it goes on.

Recently, I thought again of writing a book; I don't know why that feels overwhelming, yet I feel as if some of the things I am afraid to say on the blogs would be better shared that way. The thought is I'd have more room to expound rather than my sometimes vague entries on here. Which is mainly because I don't like the posts to be unnecessarily long (and some of us know how I feel about oversharing). I figure I'll add that to my list of goals and complete it in parts so that I am not discouraged. The trouble comes with the thought "I don't know where to begin" I suppose the answer will reveal itself once the appropriate time comes. 

Back to the cosmos, I feel an unfamiliar pull into uncertainty; I can't seem to describe the feeling or emotions associated with it. I believe with my ruling planet, Saturn, retrograde in my Sun sign, Capricorn the effects for me may be a bit heightened; however I don't know enough about it to go further. With that being said, I find myself at a crossroads; regarding how to focus completely on the future when Mercury (and many other planets are) retrograde which calls for us to reflect, revisit and such. I am unsure how my nostalgic thoughts will express themselves while I'm attempting to move forward. I guess that's where the uncertainty comes in...

While taking a quick break from writing (this entry) I stumbled across my horoscope for today; here's an excerpt:

"Life is not a race; it's an experience. There is no need to rush from one adventure to another, trying to fill your days with action! Today, stop your engines and cool your jets, because if you don't, you could be missing out on something subtle but wonderful in your life..."

Maybe that's the answer; not letting go of nostalgia, but rather embrace it at this present time in an attempt to remember, reflect, readjust my goals/ dreams and if possible reconnect. I truly believe there's something to be said about how astrology, astronomy and our daily lives intertwine. The other day a supporter on my Instagram page asked "what sparked your passion for astrology?" and my answer goes back to when I began studying my natal chart and finding so much information and insight about my personality as well as various aspects I'd never thought about. Add to that, how astrology ties into astronomy which I love. I've been a lover of the Moon for many years, decades now which I wrote about it in an entry titled: Summer Moons. I love the energy I feel as the Moon travels through her cycles and how my mind, body, soul and spirit reacts to her, divine feminine energy; it's astounding!

My hope is to come through this retrograde, eclipse season a better, more evolved, enlightened soul; with a better or should I say a deeper knowledge of my purpose and journey. I pray the same for you; taking the necessary time to relax, reflect and see what is and what no longer serves us and how to transcend the frequency we were once at while embracing the vibration the new Earth is bringing forward. I noticed I said "forward" a lot of times in this entry; I think that's because I am super ready and excited to see what this next chapter of my life holds for me. I hope on some level you can relate or strive to be in that place, the place of magic and manifestation. I pray we all learn something special about our beings during this time as each planet's retrograde holds within it answers to questions we may or may not have asked ourselves or God in prayer.

As I ran a few errands I saw a number which spoke to me so I looked it up on the Angel Numbers App* I use often; so this is what it said (notice the "Angel Power Words"):

What Number "456" Means:


The resulting total number is #6:It is an important time to nurture yourself on all levels. Eating healthy food, drinking ample water and sleeping well, will assist you to maintain a healthy body. Creating a peaceful ambience will also nurture your soul. The Angels recommend bringing harmony to your environment with beautiful flowers, music and crystals.

Your Angel Number contains an ascending number pattern. The messages contained within your 'Total Angel Number' are amplified 100 fold. This is a call to pay attention big time!

Angel Power Words:New Direction

Your Angel Number also contains #56:You may feel like things have been very up and down lately and that you have barely been putting one foot in front of the other. During this time however you have learned many valuable lessons and skills which have resulted in you becoming a very resilient person. Rest assured now that the Angels are guiding you to a much easier road up ahead.

Your Angel Number also contains #45:Call on Archangel Michael when you need extra courage to make changes in your life. Archangel Michael is ready to lead you in a new direction which will bring you to a blissful haven. Breathe deeply and know that you can do it!

*********************************************************************************

This truly makes my heart smile; very often after I choose to post my thoughts I'll get a confirmation from the Universe in (at times) subtle ways which translates to me as saying "keep doing and sharing what you are". I think that is one of the biggest compliments I receive; along with the comments in various Instagram posts saying you can relate or it's what you're going through or something you needed. Those sentiments mean more to me than I can put into words. Thank you!

Blessings 💗✨

Kamille

*the angel number app in the link is for iOS; I am not sure if the app with the same name on Google Play is infact the same app; please make note and search as necessary for the right app for you.

A Journey of the Heart

"you cannot have love if your heart is closed"

- Iyanla Vanzant

I feel as if chapters are ending in my life; the search for happiness has lead to acknowledging voids in my heart which have created the expression or feeling of unhappiness. As I look a bit closer, I realize it wasn't necessarily unhappiness, but more of disappointment; in outcomes. As William Shakespeare wrote: "expectation is the root of all heartache" so as the days have passed I have been working on my expectations and learning to eliminate the ones no longer serving me. I'm sure I've written about expectations in the past and how my philosophy is that they are absolutely necessary and how I hold myself to high expectations; with the flexibility to adjust where/as needed. However the trouble comes in when holding others to my expectations. Recently I read a quote which stated (possibly paraphrased), "don't expect people to be you" along with another quote which states: "don't be the 'go to' person for people you can't go to" both of which resinated with me in a special way as these past couple of months have made those statements all too clear.

In re-evaluating what happiness means to me I had to reckon with my bouts of nostalgia and how I may have romanticized those occasions to mean much more than they actually were. In going forward I must look into my heart and find out what truly makes it "open" and where it has closed in various areas; I have to admit I am aware of a few, some not so much. When I think of the initial quote I don't think of love in the romantic sense, but more so in the state of being; being love. There was a time when I knew exactly what that meant and now I have been searching to feel that sentiment again. I believe it was a time when I was more in love with myself (inside and out), but more than that I was in love with what I was doing and where I saw myself going which has all changed over the course of the diagnoses (anxiety, bipolar, depression, ptsd and the like).

I will also admit that the diagnoses have put me in a terrible space of depression which I battle daily to overcome, coupled with anxiety and everything else going on it takes a lot of work to remain "sane", leaving little to no time to dwell on happiness. I believe after being diagnosed bipolar in 2017 I am learning through various therapy exercises how to manage and maintain on a somewhat daily basis; some days being better than others, yet none being the way they were pre-mental illnesses. I suppose that's the upward battle, understanding what happiness means including limitations. If you've followed either of my blogs over the years you already know how I feel about limitations... So moving forward I must reimagine what it means to be happy despite my current challenges. One way I'm learning is through gratitude; although my life has changed drastically I am still grateful for the blessing bestowed upon me. I think that is monumental; especially at times when it seems as if "the world is crashing in on me."

Perhaps that is apart of the journey I am on; the difference in life experiences before and with mental illnesses. I say journey, because no two days are the same and the destination is unclear, nevertheless life continues so we make the best of it. In a sense I see that as a journey; each path leading to understanding or being rather than feeling and thinking we know everything there is to know. Initially I was unsure where the words would lead and even more unsure as to whether I'd share them or not. I feel as if or rather my hope is someone else faces a similar crossroad and finds some type of solace in knowing we are all in some way dealing with the cards life has dealt us and taking a stand to overcome various hurdles or obstacles in our path. As cliché as it may be, you are not alone and even happier to know that I am not alone either. I guess I'll start there, the "little" things in life that I am happy for or about, which I may share in a later post.

With that, I hope you identify the areas of your heart that may be closed and find what it may take to re-open them. Circulate new energy to heal the old wounds and move forward in a more harmonious, loving, happy way; however that feels for you. Since that is the road I find myself on I felt it only made sense to share. Especially as the remaining 6 months of 2019 holds an unfamiliar anticipation for the year 2020, while staying in the now; if that makes any sense. So I ask, what does happiness mean for you? What's making your heart smile and where are there areas needing nurturing and love? I am not expecting you to answer me, however if you choose to share, your comments, emails and such are welcomed; but more so to ask yourself (if necessary) and highlight those areas that are "on the right track" and make necessary adjustments where/as needed. I wish us all well on the journeys we find ourselves on.

Blessings 💗✨
Kamille

Untitled

"your art

is not about how many people

like your work

your art

is about

if your heart likes your work

if your soul likes your work

it's about how honest

you are with yourself

and you

must never

trade honesty

for relatability"

- @chakrahealingvibes (Instagram)

Oftentimes I am not sure what to write; usually I allow the words to flow and make sense of themselves, lately however I've been too indecisive about what I want to share on the blogs and what I want to keep to myself. As much as I know that will only lead to overthinking and such I am making progress as far as not allowing the insecurity to stop me. At one point, even in resent times I have had the thought that I've "lost" my inspiration to share. Which is not the case, however a writer without a muse is an interesting space to be in. As the season changes from Spring to Summer I am forced to reckon with the reality of the year passing by with so much hope and anticipation for the goals I've set for myself. I suppose that "should" be my muse. At times it's enough, but on days like today I feel as if I need something more, which goes against various philosophies stating how we shouldn't want for anything and that everything is within us. Although I believe that; to an extent; it's difficult in moments like this where I know there's something more out there, yet I don't know exactly what that "something" is. 

I seem to be the only person I know to consider writing as an art. The art of words and how they are able to touch your heart and soul when structured in a special way. Perhaps that's where the insecurity comes from; the thought of myself as an artist seems a bit farfetched yet here we are. When reading drafts on the world outside my window along with the last entry Transparency where I mentioned the following quote:

“Be the light. Touch the world. Give people your power to see. Show them your soul.”

-Expherience (Twitter)

I am forced to confront myself and ask if I am being truly honest in my writing or if I am simply trying to be relatable, not to my surprise the answer is a bit of both. My thought is to be honest as well as relatable however at what price? Am I so focused on being relatable that I am not completely being a light to otherwise dark areas that are rarely spoken of? I recall in the early days of my journey I thought everything had to be "love and light" and there were no "bad days", that was until many bad days occurred and forced me to push through to the other side of it. These days the not so good ones aren't as detrimental as I used to think they were, allowing myself the time and space to process the thoughts, feelings as well as emotions and pinpointing the root of it all has not been easy, nevertheless the lessons learned have brought me to the crossroads I currently find myself facing.

The thought of holding back versus the fear of oversharing has kept me from writing as much as I would like; especially since these days I have nothing but time on my hands. After much thought I found it rather ironic that the last post on the other blog was regarding transparency and how I would share more and the like only for it to be the last entry on that site. I don't quite feel as if I have become the woman I aspire to be yet I am not exactly the same girl who began that blog so many years ago. Through various shenanigans, heartbreak, heartache, victories, etc. I believe I have grown in ways only the wisdom of time can teach. For some odd reason I have been anticipating my next birthday, although I have a few goals to reach before then I haven't exactly planned it out. In thinking back on happier times I find myself still "stuck" in nostalgia, the trouble with that is the longing or should I say yearning for similar experiences. I have yet to learn how to overcome such thoughts and emotions and focus completely on the now. In my most recent post In Orbit I mentioned happiness being an unfamiliar concept to me in recent years. As I examine my words I had to answer a few questions about what I think happiness means before I could manifest what I believe it looks like. 

Maybe that's where I've gone astray, believing that happiness has a look as opposed it being a state of mind. I often question the hurt that comes up; which is more frequently than I'd like, yet it happens nonetheless. I try to single out the exact space the feeling or memory began in an attempt to transmute them into an emotion or observation that better serves me. Lately I believe I have been successful, not with everything, but with enough so that I don't overwhelm my therapist with so much to "fix". One thing I know for sure is how much I've learned about myself and the growth I've seen since I've established a regimen that works for me; including my medication, meditation, therapy and other metaphysical elements that keep me on track. I think that's why the above quote resinates with me as it does; especially where it says it's not about how many people like your work, but rather if your heart and soul is pleased. 

I've learned from various lessons within my journey to let go of the pressure; the pressure of the frequency of posting or the need to take a break from writing or social media. The idea that once I begin again readership won't be the same, which has been the case, slightly. I'm learning to trust the Universe in the idea that whosoever needs to read my words will find them. I had a conversation recently where I advised someone to let go of the things which are out of our control, I am taking my own advice today; trusting in myself and the gifts God has blessed me with to contribute to the wholeness of the planet in whichever way makes sense for me. I think that's where the happiness will awaken, or perhaps the muse I at times feel is necessary in order to write truly from my heart. Then I look at myself in this moment and realize it truly is within. I suppose I'll be able to share more on that in another entry. For now I am grateful, thankful and a little scared to share my soul. That level of vulnerability is something I'm still working on, it seems so intimate to be that transparent with others; yet I ask myself "am I even that transparent with myself"? So many times I hold back or stifle a thought because I simply don't want to think it or allow it to play out in my head. However I also realize that has been a hinderance for much longer than necessary.

The question then becomes "what am I going to do about it"?

In Orbit

With nearly every planet in retrograde (Jupiter, Pluto, Saturn and Uranus with Neptune going retrograde June 18- November 27), I am currently feeling a bit out of sorts; I guess you can say. Add into the mix this past weekends New Moon, I feel as if I have been sent into orbit. There's a gleeful expression awaiting the words to describe the feeling. However, I don't really know how to be happy anymore; blame bipolar disorder or the circumstances over the past 7 years...

Like that quote says, "we all have chapters we don't read aloud", I sporadically have flashbacks of specific periods where I was either nearly homeless or committed to psych wards and the events leading up to those times as well as the people who played a certain role in those situations. I try to forgive, and to some extent I have, then I think about where I am today; although everything isn't "blue skies and rainbows", thankfully they aren't as bleak as they once were.

As I said, I don't know what happiness looks like to me anymore because the time when I was truly happy, everything has been "taken away"; not as if the things were the source of happiness, but in my mind the looks of things inside and out were as I'd envisioned them to be. I suppose you can say as I intended to manifest them, and the people in my life at the time who I cared deeply for either betrayed me or our relationship has morphed into something either nonexistent or drastically unfamiliar. I feel alone, lonely even, but on the outside looking in I should be happy, I should be so many things, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. I even began a few of my favorite hobbies such as horse riding while discovering newfound skills and dare I say talents in the form of painting. Yet, outside of those occasions I feel a bit lost.

In an exercise in therapy I realized I've been engulfed in the emotion of nostalgia and I can't seem to shake it, not for the time within the past 7 years, but for times many Moon's ago when I believe I could've made different decisions in an attempt to manifest alternative outcomes. Then I think of "The Butterfly Effect" and how possibly if anything had changed in the course of this journey things may have turned out far worse than what actually occurred. Although I refuse to entertain the thoughts of "what if..." I can't seem to help going down the rabbit hole in my dreams, thinking of certain people who have passed on or revisiting monumental times in other relationships and wondering had I said the things I felt or truly meant at that time would the circumstances have changed for the better? Which only leaves me more puzzled once I awake.

With all that I have managed to remain in a space of thankfulness, gratitude and hope; hoping for better days ahead, possibly a new love for life and such. Until then I take each day as they come, some good, some not so good and others that are just blah so I choose to sleep them away. Maybe I need to truly ask myself, what does happiness look like now?

Not too long ago I attempted to reimagine the nostalgic moments as sentimental and allowing them to hold a special space in my heart as they always have, but without the yearning for them to be once again. The attempt was short-lived... I had to ask myself "how is your heart?" and in that moment I could not put it into words; I no longer feel as heartbroken as I once did, but I don't know what these feelings are, since I've never felt them before. It feels a bit of what I imagine possibility feeling like or even anticipation of what's to come.

I don't know what's next so enters anxiety; ever-present to remind me of how little control I actually have over my life yet understanding the philosophy that we all create our reality I am uncertain, mainly because I no longer have a vision for my future in the traditional sense of: married with a house full of children and the like. As a woman of a certain age I've decided instead to focus on my self, my son, my fur babies and my businesses. Some days I feel as if that's enough while other days I feel as if that would leave me quite dissatisfied. Damn bipolar, makes me wonder what is the truth?!?

Some days I feel as if certain relationships ran their course and due to mental illnesses I tried to hold them hostage as a way of maintaining a part of my self which was pre-disorders. On one hand I believe that was the case yet on the other hand I am haunted by the memories of when times were "good" while trying to patiently await more good times. I suppose time will tell.

225 Drafts

225 is the number of blog entries reverted to drafts on the other blog; once I read through a few I realized why they'd return to such. I was completely transparent, however maybe not where it should have been expressed; perhaps, in person or stored in a journal. The purpose of re-reading them was to decide if I should republish them or not and as open and honest as they were I now feel as if I should cherish those memories and let them go.

That's been a pattern lately, letting things go. Not from a negative, reactive space, more of a "for the good times" kind of way. While writing this entry I choose to look into an app I have named "Angel Numbers" where I was able to gain insight on a perception regarding those numbers. Of course the message received was confirmation that I am on my journey. I supposed that's one of the issues I've been facing lately; the feeling of nostalgia. I don't quite want to forget any of the memories, with the exception of a few; yet I don't want to be so focused on them that I am not in the now, or creating/ manifesting the life I am striving towards.

I don't know a good way to "get over" nostalgia; now had it been depression or "the mean reds" I have techniques to overcome them. This is something altogether different and new for me. Sadly, the only people I'd want to discuss this topic with have both passed onto another realm (I pray they are happy). Which only leaves more room for nostalgic thoughts of memories we'd shared along with the wisdom, laughter and love shared... I suppose you can't get over the feelings of nostalgia, however you can't allow them to override your thoughts of the good times that lie ahead...

Out of Hibernation

"Be a lamp, or a lifeboat or a ladder. Help someone's soul heal"

-Rumi

Lately, I've been feeling the urge to share; for some odd reason the above quote comes to mind (often). As some of you may know, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the recent years. When dealing with mental health each issue can consume you, so it takes a lot of effort to "remain sane" as the number of disorders seem to increase. I will admit bipolar is a far different "beast" than anxiety and depression have been; for me. However while focusing on my well-being I've neglected the blogs which of course was not intentional. So back to the quote; although I've continued to share on various social media outlets I have not allowed myself to voice my thoughts in the form of blog entries which I will admit has left me feeling the void.

During the time of soul searching and healing I chose not to "be a lamp or a lifeboat" or even "a ladder" to an extent because I did not share my experiences with you all, from previous expressions and sentiments received I do know that my words have if not helped at least provoked thought or gave insight on some issues many have faced; or are facing. I suppose that's what I'm doing today, I'm deciding to do a better job of shining my light as the next quote suggests.

“Do the world a favor, don’t hide your magic“ -unknown

As an introvert I am truly working on this, mainly because I prefer to be behind the scenes; with little to very little attention being brought upon myself. I suppose this is me getting out of my own way and accepting the gifts that GOD has bestowed upon us all. Of course each individual's "light" will look different as each of our expressions are that way. Even still; aside from real life, where I make a conscious effort to "let my light shine" I find myself hypersensitive and often depressed after spending a certain amount of time with people. I don't know if that's the bipolar situation or a combination of diagnoses... Nevertheless, I feel as if it's perhaps strengthening the gifts associated with my purpose.

That's a whole other story; for many years I have been praying for GOD to reveal my purpose to me and as I thought and searched for various "signs" I now recognize myself in a different way. I believe my purpose has been revealed to me which makes me step out of my comfort zone and accomplish what I came to Earth to do. I can no longer use my disabilities as an excuse not to even attempt to contribute to the higher consciousness of this planet; even if that contribution is a small one, even if the only person who uses the information to grow is myself. I've mentioned it before on this blog and the other, that my goal is to share more often. I won't put any time or day restrictions on myself as that is not the way my creative process can be done, but I do plan to post more frequently than I have in the past couple of years.

I pray you all are well and continue to grow into your greatest and highest good. Allowing time to release anything that is no longer serving you with the coming of the Full Moon this weekend (May 17- 20, 2019; according to MoonPhase app).

Blessings,
Kamille 💗✨