Transparency: Dreams, Desires and My Thoughts

 “Every human heart cries and yearns for the same thing: a chance to fulfill his or her own dreams and desires...” Myles Munroe

Still buzzing from the concoction of marijuana strains in my system I thought of various hopes, dreams and ideas I have as well as projects I am working on and I began to wonder is my heart truly yearning or crying for these things to manifest? I feel silly posing that question, because I know that it does; and has been for quite some time. The heaviest is to write a book, however the direction has changed multiple times since the original idea came to mind. I find myself sitting in front of the computer, overwhelmed with thoughts of where and how to begin. I thought to focus on one chapter at a time, but I still feel as if I need direction. I may have mentioned it in a previous post about my recent reading with my tarot reader, where he told me I need to stop second guessing myself and trust myself more than I do currently. I suppose that's how this entry began, I didn't ponder on if I felt like writing or what I'd say, I just let my fingers take control and we'll see what comes.

I began having lucid dreams for quite some time; very vivid dreams to the point of experiencing deja vu on a few occasions. I've been listening to oldies and thinking of simpler times, songs by Nina Simone, Pink Floyd, Gil Scott-Heron, Etta James and Aretha Franklin top the list. I've been enjoying the days more, not as bored as I've been in the previous months. I believe by changing my perspective I have come to embrace the quiet days and nights, realizing that drama and dismay are dysfunctional and should not be expected as normal. I think because of film and television programing we are always looking for the plot to twist or a villain and real life should not be that way. As someone who has fallen victim to betrayal, sabotage and the like; I do understand how life can feel like you're in a movie or soap opera, however those times don't, or should I say shouldn't outweigh the blessings and wisdom each day brings. Interestingly enough many of the betrayals and sabotage lead to much better outcomes than what was presenting itself to begin with. As they say "hindsight is 20/20", mainly because we often overlook red flags and warnings as we are made aware of them. When I was betrayed, by a couple of people I knew it was not out of their character to do such things, I just thought they wouldn't do those things to me. I found the lesson in that and made sure to heed to the red flags, warnings, "gut feelings", etc. Although many of those people are not apart of my life there is one that I still interact with on occasion, but now I know to maintain my boundaries and not feed into the triggers which would cause the same reactions as in the past.

I realize I don't share my dreams with other people, aside from my desire to write a book I keep everything under wraps to protect my vision for what I have in my heart to create. I no longer fear oversharing on the blog as I once did, I feel as if I've learned from the other blog what to share and what may be for my private journal, I guess only time will tell if that's the case. I think back to my teenage years and even my twenties when my desires and dreams were much different; I've let go of the dream of having several children, I've made peace with the fact that it just wasn't in the cards for me in this lifetime. I then focused on my career and where I thought I'd be within that company, as I am now retired, I had to re-envision my life and how I wanted things to manifest and I'm still working on that part, because I used to see myself a particular way, but without more children, a husband and a "regular" job I find myself battling societies programming on the role of today's woman. I don't fit any modes, I don't think I ever have. With an adult child, life is a bit different than it is for those with children at home; at least for me; so I try to fill up my days being productive and finding the "silver lining" to life's curve balls and day to day happenings. The other day I thought of a time when I wanted more children or when I had "baby fever", which usually didn't last too long. I thought to myself, or maybe it was an impromptu prayer where said I wanted to have more children in my next lifetime, that is if I return as a woman. I think I'd like to live a traditional life, I feel as if I may never have, I know for sure this life has been everything but traditional.

I often think of how I'll grow older and where I'll be; I used to see myself on the porch in a swing watching the Sun set with a beverage and a joint. Usually with a partner; these days I don't see that very clearly, I don't know what to expect as I grow older, but I am enjoying my life now as a lady of a certain age. I intend to travel more, write more, take up new hobbies; like, photography and painting. I know things didn't turn out the way they normally do, yet I need to revisit where I want to be and what I want to be doing. I think I've desired things to do for so long I have yet to figure out my deepest desires for my whole self. As a child I thought the path was to finish school, find a career, marry and have children; a few of those steps got out of whack so I rolled with them. I now realize that life may not have put me on the path I find myself on during this journey in this lifetime. Funny thing is, I don't regret not getting married and I no longer regret not having more children. I just don't know what to do with myself at times since a woman's life is usually centered around others and not herself. I feel as if I need to look deeper within and find the things I'm yearning for with only myself in mind. I want to dream new goals to realize and watch them manifest before my eyes. 

Lately, I thought my heart yearned for another person and that I was longing for our circumstances of which we are not together to change. I later realized I need to put that on the back burner and give this time to myself; to accomplish the short-term goals I've set. I used to wonder about the purpose of meeting certain people or why those people are in my life; I still do on occasion, but not as much as before. I find myself re-living particular situations and wishing I could go back and do things differently; now when I think about that person I tell myself to find something else to do. I don't think anything good will come from it at this time. Again, my tarot reader had much to say about this and my approach, but it's working for me thus far so I don't see a reason to do anything differently; at least not yet. I've adopted a philosophy where I want to leave people better off than they were when they met me, not saying their life is in shambles or anything foolish like that, but I like to brighten days or provide an alternate prospective when asked my opinion. I heard in some movie, I can't recall the name of it; but a character said something to the effect "I'm better for having known you", I thought that was one of the greatest compliments a person could receive; that's where my philosophy came from. So I do my best to give positive feedback when asked and lend a listening ear when it's needed. I say that to say, I consider myself a good friend and that took time, wisdom and practice. So seeing how I'd love to have certain people in my life at this time I don't think they'd be better for it, I think things will be as they've always been and I was unhappy in that dynamic. These days I look forward to smiles and laughter, drama free living and time to focus on my creative efforts. 

I found writing this expression very therapeutic for some reason, I'm learning to view the blog as a safe space and allow the words to flow as they choose to without second guessing or censoring; unlike before when I blatantly overshared. I don't think I've ever shared some of the desires mentioned with even my close friends, I felt as if I was holding them near to my heart; the word secret comes to mind. Although when I write I feel as if I am an open book, but in reality I feel as if I am still a bit mysterious; even in real life. It's funny when my friends say something in regards to knowing me; I feel so hidden at times, and the question usually comes to my mind like, do they really know me outside of surface things? I have yet to ask anyone and my own thoughts may be biased or misleading so I try not to ponder on those things too long. I think that's why I'm procrastinating with the book, to express myself with such clarity and transparency is a level of vulnerability I feel I am still working towards. I had a title, I am not sure if it will remain the same; and I had a premise, but again, I am unsure of the direction to get from the title to the introduction and the "meat and potatoes" of what I want to say and how my words would add value to the world. I suppose it goes back to purpose, what would be the purpose of writing the book I had in mind? How would it better the lives of those who chose to read it? 

I read a quote stating to "be the person you needed when you were younger" and it stuck with me. I even started to create another blog with that in mind, providing stories of my experiences and how I'd wished someone had given me a playbook so to speak to avoid some of the pitfalls life may have for some of us. I then thought of the demographic for that audience and I didn't think it was for adults because they've already survived those trials and possibly tribulations giving them a testimony all their own. So I decided not to proceed with that even though I have yet to come across anything like that concept. Perhaps that's still down the line, until I know exactly what to do about it I'll keep in "in the drafts" so to speak. I think that's how I've chosen to live this life on the journey I find myself on, sticking to my path and realizing when and what to share at the appropriate times. I don't think that hinders the desire, I think it's allowing it to unfold as it should, not rushed or forced, but relevant. I have yet to think of a title for this entry; I still don't know how it will all come together, but I feel as if my therapist and tarot reader would be proud of me for letting go and allowing the words to flow even regarding matters I've never spoken of before. I think the current waxing gibbous Moon in Pisces can take the credit for this evenings expression; as stated on the app Time Passages, "you might feel in yourself a deep urge for introspection and reflection"... I know why certain things came up in this post now and that's for me to discuss with a close friend and/or my therapist, but I'm glad it exposed itself so that I may move forward completely.

It seems as if it should be easy to be vulnerable when you're sitting at a computer sharing words with others; but for me, for some strange reason I find it more difficult than sharing some things with friends. I don't know why that is. Nevertheless, I am glad to be "coming out of my shell" these days; it seems like baby steps, but I see the growth where a year or two ago I would have redacted much of what I shared today and found some fluff to put in it's place. Whereas today I allowed myself to be open, honest and transparent. I will admit, I like this feeling; perhaps it's just what I need to begin writing the book or at least re-visit my outline and decide where I want to begin and what I want to say. Which makes me think it's time to revisit the drafts on the other blog and piece together posts I'd like to develop into chapters. Sounds easy enough, and it's not as if I don't have the time to do it; maybe it's the energy, what it will take to relive some of those words and emotions typed during times of trouble. I think the energy necessary to revisit some of those posts may be a bit more than I want to engage in at this time. I then thought of using the posts from this blog and doing the same, but in oversharing in the past I think that's the amount of depth I need to start with in order to truly convey my story. Again, time will tell.

for insight; see, Transparency (The World Outside My Window) 

Pink Skies

I just smoked a strain called Golden Ticket and instantly felt compelled to write; that's rarely happened with the exception of Blue Dream and Space Queen both of which have become favorites of mine. I learned of this strain from a friend who referred to it as "everything I want in my marijuana" with that being said I was super excited when I found it, after looking for several months. I recently took an impromptu staycation to Las Vegas, and enjoyed a bit of shopping and visiting with family, although it wasn't a tropical resort the relaxation was much needed. That is until pains crept up in my back from driving the distance; almost immediately I paid a visit to my chiropractor and later attempted to schedule an appointment for a massage, which unfortunately did not happen as planned. I did however see the Sun as it was setting and the sky was this amazing color pink; mixed with various hues of blue, orange and purple. Although a bit bittersweet because much of the color variation has to do with the smoke in the air mixed with typical Los Angeles smog. Nevertheless, it was beautiful all the same. 

I wrote on the other blog about pink skies before, but the content was much different; mainly about someone from my past and the state of our relationship, interestingly enough I was in love. That post was in 2012, looking back I can see the girlish beauty in the words I choose yet the entire read is too personal to share, especially since that person and I are no longer on speaking terms. Funny thing is, I am happy that I was able to think back on those days with fond memories and not want to relive or revisit the situation. I can see my growth, from nostalgia and having regrets to moving past those feelings and accepting things the way they are. That simple transmutation made such a huge difference in my life, by not holding on to the past I feel I am able to better use that energy for thoughts of my current reality as well as manifesting dreams and ideas I have in mind. I feel anew, as if being of a certain age has liberated me. I feel youthful as if I am not actually the age I am, but more of the age I feel, At times the trouble with that is it sparks memories from when I was actually twenty years younger and the state of my life at that time.

When I was in my twenties I had a lot of fun, without much thought of the future. Even though I no longer regret decisions made during that time I find that I no longer wish things were different, with the exception of my career and the way it turned out; but I won't go into that. So, back to the pink sky and golden ticket; I am in a euphoric state of being, as if nothing negative exists in my life, which is almost odd except I had a conversation with my tarot reader recently and we discussed how I had been "bored" lately, we then discovered my idea of boredom has been the lack of drama and dismay I had been experiencing since approximately 2012 when I developed anxiety disorder, ptsd, depression and such. I'm getting accustomed to this new life I've created for myself. As I think of therapeutic things to do during the day along with errands and avoiding crowded spaces I find myself with a lot of time on my hands. Like, time to watch the Sunset or gaze at the Moon...

With the Moon in Aquarius (my Moon sign), I feel a bit emotional, not in a way which will make me cry; but more so in tuned with myself and the world around me. I spoke about feeling connected before and I have not quite been able to put the feelings into words, I think as my tarot reader suggested, my psychic abilities are heightening and my body is adjusting. That may sound a bit crazy, however I could not find any other words to make it make sense. Although many have reacted to the events of 2020 as if the year has been doomed or "toxic", but I feel a bit different, I feel as if 2020 has exposed a lot of areas where growth, compassion and understanding are necessary. I'm actually looking forward to the last quarter of this year as well as what 2021 has in store. I believe as cliche as it sounds "when life throws you lemons, make lemonade", I'm not quite sure what people expected to occur in 2020 that makes reality so detrimental; that is with the exception of the circus of an election we are headed for. I've learned to be more optimistic, not only with myself, but with others and the world at large. I think that has helped me to remain happy as some would say the world is ending.

I think the world is ending, in a sense; I pray the injustice, racism and inhumane treatment of others would end. While in my bubble of happiness I still find myself frustrated with the current judicial system when it comes to unnecessary killings of Black people, most recently in the case of Breonna Taylor. I know it will take much time however I have noticed more people when I'm out and about seem to be a bit nicer, kinder, more helpful and even thoughtful. I pray as we "stick together" during this pandemic we can find ways to make the world better, friendlier, more of service to one another. I pray more laws are passed and murderers are convicted when they disobey the law regardless if they are paid to uphold it. Sometimes I tell myself that is all wishful thinking, but on some level I believe it will happen, even if it's not during this lifetime for me. I sit here with thoughts of empathy and heavyheartedness as I have these conflicting emotions. Happiness on one hand and frustration on the other, however I still feel balanced, something I fight very hard to maintain. The regimen I've concocted for myself seems to be working and I feel the difference.

I think that's why I love when the sky is pink, it feels so pure and open to possibilities; which is how I feel. I feel at peace,  as if all is right in my world for a change; without expecting "the other shoe to drop".  Instead I am looking forward to blessings and wisdom which is all a testament to the research I've been doing by learning my natal chart aspects. Understanding the many facets of who I am rather than focusing solely on my Sun sign, Capricorn; which can be a bit pessimistic at times. I like where my journey has taken me thus far, into the land of natal charts, tarot and a better understanding of myself and at times others. So I suppose I'm looking forward to the last quarter of the year because it's the season of pink skies as the Sun sets into the Autumn and Winter skies...

The Cost of Emotions

Lately, I've been writing about my thoughts; for a change I thought I'd write about my feelings. I've been feeling this overwhelming sense of connectedness,  I can only attempt to put it into words, but I'll try. As many of you may have read in previous expressions I've had feelings of happiness for quite some time, now it's morphing into a type of love I had yet to experience. I know it's a reflection of the level of self-care and self-love I've been pouring into myself which makes me want to give myself even more of my attention. Once I started focusing on myself more I've felt this sense of being in tune that allows my gifts and attributes to shine (imo). I used to think it was selfish to focus so much on myself, then I read a quote some time ago which (I'm paraphrasing) said something to the effect of "stop contacting them first and watch you'll never hear from them". So I eased up with checking on people who weren't necessarily checking on me; I then transmitted the energy it takes to be in so many people's lives, seeing how much smaller my circle became gave me ample time and space to carve out for myself. I started focusing on healing; my inner child wounds, ptsd, anxiety causing thoughts and feelings, you get the gist. I realized how those aspects of myself displayed in various habits, patterns and/or behaviors which are no longer serving me. I feel lighter, as if a weight has been lifted and filled with more smiles and laughter. I recently hung out with family members I hadn't seen in some time and it was refreshing. As the stars aligned I also reconnected with someone I thought I'd never see or speak with in this lifetime. Funny how that happens.

I find myself in a much better space than I've ever been in, a space of freedom and liberation. I feel as if I don't need to hold back as I once did, I realize how comfortable I'd become in my bubble of "shyness" or "aloofness". I see how it was just a game I was playing with myself to keep others at arm's length. Trouble was, I still ended up hurt or heartbroken or some other emotion I'd rather not experience. The price I paid for holding onto words and actions that I could've easily expressed and taken the experience for what would have been. Today, I realize the cost of those emotions were much more expensive than they needed to be had I done the work I knew I needed to do much sooner. I still struggle with the philosophy of "nothing happens by accident" or "you control your own destiny"; mainly because I believe some things are out of our reach, such as God and the Universe and how astronomy and astrology connects and effects our lives. I used to regret decisions I'd made or scenarios I allowed to play out without proper context, now I understand that I hadn't grown or developed into this person yet and those trials and tribulations were what brought me to this point and who knows- would I be here had it not been for learning from those experiences?

I do my best to say the words and do the things I desire, making sure I am my authentic self leaving no room for regrets. Something I wished I did when I was in my late teens and throughout my twenties. What a difference that would have made. Now I believe, the cost of emotions is vulnerability; I used to write about how vulnerability scared me, as if I could not allow myself to dive into the depths of my own truth. I say the words now, even if I sound stupid or whatever. Like another quote says (paraphrased) "say it, even if your voice cracks", I take that to mean speak your truth, even if you are uncomfortable or your opinion is not the popular one. I'm learning to do that more, even on the blog where I try not to censor my words, but to allow them to flow freely as my fingers move from key to key. I've said it before and I truly believe writing is a form of art, the way the words align even when you don't know what the next sentence will be. Lately, I've had the desire to paint. I've painted three canvases (?) and I will say I surprised myself with the outcomes. I do that often, not knowing my abilities until the finished products. I've showed them to a hand full of people and all said nice things. I only share my art with people I know will give me objective criticism not those who'd say anything they think I'd want to hear. 

The blogs are different, I share what I feel comes out naturally and I don't pay too much attention to the number of views, whether it's one or thousands I appreciate you all for taking time out of your lives to entertain my thoughts. Although I think I don't write enough, especially on my other blog I feel a sense of togetherness as people still read those posts from at least two years ago. I suppose I want to take this time to say "thank you", it means more than you know to have people share, like, comment or give words of encouragement privately. I truly don't know where I'd be without this outlet along with therapy and journalling. I used to think being a "tough" girl was the answer to avoiding the unpleasant experiences life has to offer at times, but the truth is, if nothing else happens to shake things up a Saturn Return sure will. For me, it seemed as if my Saturn Return unveiled a lot of trauma I'd been avoiding dealing with, but once I sat with myself in meditation and prayer I saw the lessons and wisdom from many of those experiences; the good as well as the not so good. Looking back I guess I'm happy for the way things have gone because they lead to this moment in time, these opportunities to grasp, memories to make. 

I hope you're grabbing ahold of each opportunity that may be presenting itself in this time of pandemic, or as I like to say a time of reflection and introspection. In addition I hope you are healing the wounds life has allowed you to endure and you come out with a new perspective. I hope you are basking in happiness, self-care and self-love as we need it now more than ever before, I think. As I wrote that, I thought of my tribe and how I feel as if my circle is becoming just that. I thought of the encouragement and conversations about our plans or artistic expressions and how we push one another to be and do our best. I think of you all as an aspect of that tribe because although you may not know me in person you know my words, many of you following from the early days on the other blog or instagram and twitter. I'd like to think you have seen some growth, some barriers being broken, such as my fear of vulnerability and how I've slowly overcome that. I pray my words are inspiring or at the very least, thought provoking. I think I'm hoping to see the New Earth, where we are more harmonious, peaceful and community based as opposed to individualistic and at odds with ourselves and others. I like to think those of you who follow my posts are of a like mind. I think that's another price of emotions, empathy and perhaps compassion. Striving to be more compassionate and empathetic has helped me in ways I had not thought possible. 

I used to be a mean girl, tough exterior, but a very sensitive person on the inside, once I decided to allow that to show more the happier I became.  I realize the contradiction in how I presented myself to the world as opposed to "the world outside my window", I think that's why I have over two-hundred posts on that blog reverted to drafts. I keep saying I'll go through them and republish them, yet I have not taken the time to do so. Then again, what is time? lol. I allow myself the space to do so when the appropriate time presents itself, so far that time has not come. Out of two-hundred-seventy-two posts I've published forty-six (smh); I hope that sheds a light on the level of overwhelm I feel when even thinking about going through them all. Some I know I will not republish because they are far too personal and should have been in a journal rather than for public view. Others, I think it's the level of vulnerablitiy I was once too shy to allow that side of me to be expressed to the "world". I think I will republish them in increments, allowing my higher self to guide the way. With that being said, feel free to view some of the posts from previous years to see the journey from where it began.

Peace & Blessings to you all

Kamille 💗✨

From the Drafts

 “And I dream too much and I don’t write enough and I’m trying to find God everywhere.” Anis Mojgai

I was able to complete eight days on the master cleanse; however I intend to begin again, hopefully with more determination.  I'm looking forward to seeing the results yet I have not been as committed as I expected to be. I now see the importance of easing in rather than "diving in head first". I think since I didn't ease in the desire to eat was a bit more challenging than previous attempts; funny thing is, I don't quite recall what I did in the beginning of those cleanses. I do however remember the outcome, which was weight loss in the amount of sixty pounds. Thinking back on that time in my life is bittersweet because I was the happiest I'd been in a very long time, I was thriving in my career and although there were some set backs as well as sabotage resulting in the onset of anxiety disorder. I suppose this is coming out because the date of said event has passed since writing this post. I am grateful for therapy, I see the progress I've made over the years; seeing how I am not quite anxious about the upcoming time of year. Usually I dwell on the things I've lost throughout the years during the last quarter. Today, I reflect on those times and send love to my younger self, I then think of the fond memories with those people or in those places and it brings me joy.

Although a few things are a bit out of whack, most things in my life are going well. It's been a long time since I was able to say or feel that. I believe I've just completed my Saturn return and to say I was truly tested would be an understatement; especially since Saturn rules my sun sign of Capricorn. As I plan the week I find myself in a dreamlike state, I attribute that to my discovery of Bubblegum OG (indica hybrid strain of marijuana). Along with the fact I had a great weekend including self-care, socialization and introspection. I realized I needed something a bit different, over the past several years I'd been strictly sativa, barely experiencing hybrids. I changed to indica with a balance of sativa and I noticed a difference in my being- ease of tension in my body with the benefit of clearheadedness and focus has me in much better spirits these days. I find myself in the mood to share; in an open and honest way, allowing my heart to show a bit more than usual. I am engulfed in the feeling of creativity, wanting to write more and find outlets to paint or browse art. I think with my recent birthday I've found a certain liberation I had not experienced before in this lifetime. As I sit here typing I am trying to meditate on what my heart wants me to write and I feel all over the place as if I am rambling. However for the first time on the blog I don't want to censor my thoughts. 

I feel as if I am nurturing my soul, my higher self is at peace. I look back at my younger days and some days I wish I could go back and speak the words I'd left unsaid, or done the things I truly wanted to do, but didn't out of fear of others opinions. The other day I had to complete a task for myself that I'd never done before and as I second guessed myself and thought of someone who could assist me I ended up doing in alone and the outcome was great. In that moment I remembered how to trust myself, how to tap into my higher self and allow her to guide me in my steps as well as decision making. I feel more confident, in my being; like an inner knowing of what's to come. As I shared I intend to continue the cleanse at a later time, not forgoing the spiritual aspect of cleansing and getting in tune with God. Its interesting how this journey has come to be, while focusing on losing some unwanted pounds I found a deeper more intimate relationship with God. I took a brief intermission while writing and I saw the number 3232 twice so I input it into my Angel Numbers app and the following came though, I feel as confirmation:

WHAT NUMBER "3232" MEANS:
The resulting total number is #1:
The Angels urge you to put yourself first. It is important to maintain your own personal energy levels to achieve perfect health and emotional well-being. With increased energy levels you become a powerful individual. You will then be able to love and care for yourself and also others generously.

Angel Power Words:
Follow your Heart

Your Angel Number also contains #32:
It is very important to listen to your inner truth and to stay on the course that you know is right for you. Don't be swayed by others' opinions at this point in time. Trust your inner compass to guide you perfectly along the path that you are destined to take. Courageously move ahead with an open heart.
(This number is repeated twice. The message of this number is amplified x20!)

Your Angel Number also contains #23:
The Ascended Masters and Saints are aligning the stars to deliver a powerful 'nobleman' or 'noblewomen' into your life. This person may protect you or even deliver a gift or blessing that will enrich your life with 'Amazing Grace!'

I feel as if I've learned to put myself first in my life without feeling guilty or selfish. That is something I've struggled with in the past, I'm thankful to have outgrown that. So, back to that bubblegum og; I think it sparked a vein of creativity I am just learning of. Paired with various cosmic transits I feel as if I'm going to burst; I feel as if I've said that a thousand times recently, on the blog and in real life. I suppose the feeling is being happy and more alive than I've felt in a while. I say alive because for many years I feel as if I were existing then becoming; I don't think "I've arrived", but I do know that I am in a different aspect of the journey I find myself on. The path seems a bit clearer and I'm excited to see what's next. I pray you all are in good spirits, considering we're still in a pandemic; taking time for self-care, self-love, therapy and such. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨