Transparency: Dreams, Desires and My Thoughts

 “Every human heart cries and yearns for the same thing: a chance to fulfill his or her own dreams and desires...” Myles Munroe

Still buzzing from the concoction of marijuana strains in my system I thought of various hopes, dreams and ideas I have as well as projects I am working on and I began to wonder is my heart truly yearning or crying for these things to manifest? I feel silly posing that question, because I know that it does; and has been for quite some time. The heaviest is to write a book, however the direction has changed multiple times since the original idea came to mind. I find myself sitting in front of the computer, overwhelmed with thoughts of where and how to begin. I thought to focus on one chapter at a time, but I still feel as if I need direction. I may have mentioned it in a previous post about my recent reading with my tarot reader, where he told me I need to stop second guessing myself and trust myself more than I do currently. I suppose that's how this entry began, I didn't ponder on if I felt like writing or what I'd say, I just let my fingers take control and we'll see what comes.

I began having lucid dreams for quite some time; very vivid dreams to the point of experiencing deja vu on a few occasions. I've been listening to oldies and thinking of simpler times, songs by Nina Simone, Pink Floyd, Gil Scott-Heron, Etta James and Aretha Franklin top the list. I've been enjoying the days more, not as bored as I've been in the previous months. I believe by changing my perspective I have come to embrace the quiet days and nights, realizing that drama and dismay are dysfunctional and should not be expected as normal. I think because of film and television programing we are always looking for the plot to twist or a villain and real life should not be that way. As someone who has fallen victim to betrayal, sabotage and the like; I do understand how life can feel like you're in a movie or soap opera, however those times don't, or should I say shouldn't outweigh the blessings and wisdom each day brings. Interestingly enough many of the betrayals and sabotage lead to much better outcomes than what was presenting itself to begin with. As they say "hindsight is 20/20", mainly because we often overlook red flags and warnings as we are made aware of them. When I was betrayed, by a couple of people I knew it was not out of their character to do such things, I just thought they wouldn't do those things to me. I found the lesson in that and made sure to heed to the red flags, warnings, "gut feelings", etc. Although many of those people are not apart of my life there is one that I still interact with on occasion, but now I know to maintain my boundaries and not feed into the triggers which would cause the same reactions as in the past.

I realize I don't share my dreams with other people, aside from my desire to write a book I keep everything under wraps to protect my vision for what I have in my heart to create. I no longer fear oversharing on the blog as I once did, I feel as if I've learned from the other blog what to share and what may be for my private journal, I guess only time will tell if that's the case. I think back to my teenage years and even my twenties when my desires and dreams were much different; I've let go of the dream of having several children, I've made peace with the fact that it just wasn't in the cards for me in this lifetime. I then focused on my career and where I thought I'd be within that company, as I am now retired, I had to re-envision my life and how I wanted things to manifest and I'm still working on that part, because I used to see myself a particular way, but without more children, a husband and a "regular" job I find myself battling societies programming on the role of today's woman. I don't fit any modes, I don't think I ever have. With an adult child, life is a bit different than it is for those with children at home; at least for me; so I try to fill up my days being productive and finding the "silver lining" to life's curve balls and day to day happenings. The other day I thought of a time when I wanted more children or when I had "baby fever", which usually didn't last too long. I thought to myself, or maybe it was an impromptu prayer where said I wanted to have more children in my next lifetime, that is if I return as a woman. I think I'd like to live a traditional life, I feel as if I may never have, I know for sure this life has been everything but traditional.

I often think of how I'll grow older and where I'll be; I used to see myself on the porch in a swing watching the Sun set with a beverage and a joint. Usually with a partner; these days I don't see that very clearly, I don't know what to expect as I grow older, but I am enjoying my life now as a lady of a certain age. I intend to travel more, write more, take up new hobbies; like, photography and painting. I know things didn't turn out the way they normally do, yet I need to revisit where I want to be and what I want to be doing. I think I've desired things to do for so long I have yet to figure out my deepest desires for my whole self. As a child I thought the path was to finish school, find a career, marry and have children; a few of those steps got out of whack so I rolled with them. I now realize that life may not have put me on the path I find myself on during this journey in this lifetime. Funny thing is, I don't regret not getting married and I no longer regret not having more children. I just don't know what to do with myself at times since a woman's life is usually centered around others and not herself. I feel as if I need to look deeper within and find the things I'm yearning for with only myself in mind. I want to dream new goals to realize and watch them manifest before my eyes. 

Lately, I thought my heart yearned for another person and that I was longing for our circumstances of which we are not together to change. I later realized I need to put that on the back burner and give this time to myself; to accomplish the short-term goals I've set. I used to wonder about the purpose of meeting certain people or why those people are in my life; I still do on occasion, but not as much as before. I find myself re-living particular situations and wishing I could go back and do things differently; now when I think about that person I tell myself to find something else to do. I don't think anything good will come from it at this time. Again, my tarot reader had much to say about this and my approach, but it's working for me thus far so I don't see a reason to do anything differently; at least not yet. I've adopted a philosophy where I want to leave people better off than they were when they met me, not saying their life is in shambles or anything foolish like that, but I like to brighten days or provide an alternate prospective when asked my opinion. I heard in some movie, I can't recall the name of it; but a character said something to the effect "I'm better for having known you", I thought that was one of the greatest compliments a person could receive; that's where my philosophy came from. So I do my best to give positive feedback when asked and lend a listening ear when it's needed. I say that to say, I consider myself a good friend and that took time, wisdom and practice. So seeing how I'd love to have certain people in my life at this time I don't think they'd be better for it, I think things will be as they've always been and I was unhappy in that dynamic. These days I look forward to smiles and laughter, drama free living and time to focus on my creative efforts. 

I found writing this expression very therapeutic for some reason, I'm learning to view the blog as a safe space and allow the words to flow as they choose to without second guessing or censoring; unlike before when I blatantly overshared. I don't think I've ever shared some of the desires mentioned with even my close friends, I felt as if I was holding them near to my heart; the word secret comes to mind. Although when I write I feel as if I am an open book, but in reality I feel as if I am still a bit mysterious; even in real life. It's funny when my friends say something in regards to knowing me; I feel so hidden at times, and the question usually comes to my mind like, do they really know me outside of surface things? I have yet to ask anyone and my own thoughts may be biased or misleading so I try not to ponder on those things too long. I think that's why I'm procrastinating with the book, to express myself with such clarity and transparency is a level of vulnerability I feel I am still working towards. I had a title, I am not sure if it will remain the same; and I had a premise, but again, I am unsure of the direction to get from the title to the introduction and the "meat and potatoes" of what I want to say and how my words would add value to the world. I suppose it goes back to purpose, what would be the purpose of writing the book I had in mind? How would it better the lives of those who chose to read it? 

I read a quote stating to "be the person you needed when you were younger" and it stuck with me. I even started to create another blog with that in mind, providing stories of my experiences and how I'd wished someone had given me a playbook so to speak to avoid some of the pitfalls life may have for some of us. I then thought of the demographic for that audience and I didn't think it was for adults because they've already survived those trials and possibly tribulations giving them a testimony all their own. So I decided not to proceed with that even though I have yet to come across anything like that concept. Perhaps that's still down the line, until I know exactly what to do about it I'll keep in "in the drafts" so to speak. I think that's how I've chosen to live this life on the journey I find myself on, sticking to my path and realizing when and what to share at the appropriate times. I don't think that hinders the desire, I think it's allowing it to unfold as it should, not rushed or forced, but relevant. I have yet to think of a title for this entry; I still don't know how it will all come together, but I feel as if my therapist and tarot reader would be proud of me for letting go and allowing the words to flow even regarding matters I've never spoken of before. I think the current waxing gibbous Moon in Pisces can take the credit for this evenings expression; as stated on the app Time Passages, "you might feel in yourself a deep urge for introspection and reflection"... I know why certain things came up in this post now and that's for me to discuss with a close friend and/or my therapist, but I'm glad it exposed itself so that I may move forward completely.

It seems as if it should be easy to be vulnerable when you're sitting at a computer sharing words with others; but for me, for some strange reason I find it more difficult than sharing some things with friends. I don't know why that is. Nevertheless, I am glad to be "coming out of my shell" these days; it seems like baby steps, but I see the growth where a year or two ago I would have redacted much of what I shared today and found some fluff to put in it's place. Whereas today I allowed myself to be open, honest and transparent. I will admit, I like this feeling; perhaps it's just what I need to begin writing the book or at least re-visit my outline and decide where I want to begin and what I want to say. Which makes me think it's time to revisit the drafts on the other blog and piece together posts I'd like to develop into chapters. Sounds easy enough, and it's not as if I don't have the time to do it; maybe it's the energy, what it will take to relive some of those words and emotions typed during times of trouble. I think the energy necessary to revisit some of those posts may be a bit more than I want to engage in at this time. I then thought of using the posts from this blog and doing the same, but in oversharing in the past I think that's the amount of depth I need to start with in order to truly convey my story. Again, time will tell.

for insight; see, Transparency (The World Outside My Window)