The Cost of Emotions

Lately, I've been writing about my thoughts; for a change I thought I'd write about my feelings. I've been feeling this overwhelming sense of connectedness,  I can only attempt to put it into words, but I'll try. As many of you may have read in previous expressions I've had feelings of happiness for quite some time, now it's morphing into a type of love I had yet to experience. I know it's a reflection of the level of self-care and self-love I've been pouring into myself which makes me want to give myself even more of my attention. Once I started focusing on myself more I've felt this sense of being in tune that allows my gifts and attributes to shine (imo). I used to think it was selfish to focus so much on myself, then I read a quote some time ago which (I'm paraphrasing) said something to the effect of "stop contacting them first and watch you'll never hear from them". So I eased up with checking on people who weren't necessarily checking on me; I then transmitted the energy it takes to be in so many people's lives, seeing how much smaller my circle became gave me ample time and space to carve out for myself. I started focusing on healing; my inner child wounds, ptsd, anxiety causing thoughts and feelings, you get the gist. I realized how those aspects of myself displayed in various habits, patterns and/or behaviors which are no longer serving me. I feel lighter, as if a weight has been lifted and filled with more smiles and laughter. I recently hung out with family members I hadn't seen in some time and it was refreshing. As the stars aligned I also reconnected with someone I thought I'd never see or speak with in this lifetime. Funny how that happens.

I find myself in a much better space than I've ever been in, a space of freedom and liberation. I feel as if I don't need to hold back as I once did, I realize how comfortable I'd become in my bubble of "shyness" or "aloofness". I see how it was just a game I was playing with myself to keep others at arm's length. Trouble was, I still ended up hurt or heartbroken or some other emotion I'd rather not experience. The price I paid for holding onto words and actions that I could've easily expressed and taken the experience for what would have been. Today, I realize the cost of those emotions were much more expensive than they needed to be had I done the work I knew I needed to do much sooner. I still struggle with the philosophy of "nothing happens by accident" or "you control your own destiny"; mainly because I believe some things are out of our reach, such as God and the Universe and how astronomy and astrology connects and effects our lives. I used to regret decisions I'd made or scenarios I allowed to play out without proper context, now I understand that I hadn't grown or developed into this person yet and those trials and tribulations were what brought me to this point and who knows- would I be here had it not been for learning from those experiences?

I do my best to say the words and do the things I desire, making sure I am my authentic self leaving no room for regrets. Something I wished I did when I was in my late teens and throughout my twenties. What a difference that would have made. Now I believe, the cost of emotions is vulnerability; I used to write about how vulnerability scared me, as if I could not allow myself to dive into the depths of my own truth. I say the words now, even if I sound stupid or whatever. Like another quote says (paraphrased) "say it, even if your voice cracks", I take that to mean speak your truth, even if you are uncomfortable or your opinion is not the popular one. I'm learning to do that more, even on the blog where I try not to censor my words, but to allow them to flow freely as my fingers move from key to key. I've said it before and I truly believe writing is a form of art, the way the words align even when you don't know what the next sentence will be. Lately, I've had the desire to paint. I've painted three canvases (?) and I will say I surprised myself with the outcomes. I do that often, not knowing my abilities until the finished products. I've showed them to a hand full of people and all said nice things. I only share my art with people I know will give me objective criticism not those who'd say anything they think I'd want to hear. 

The blogs are different, I share what I feel comes out naturally and I don't pay too much attention to the number of views, whether it's one or thousands I appreciate you all for taking time out of your lives to entertain my thoughts. Although I think I don't write enough, especially on my other blog I feel a sense of togetherness as people still read those posts from at least two years ago. I suppose I want to take this time to say "thank you", it means more than you know to have people share, like, comment or give words of encouragement privately. I truly don't know where I'd be without this outlet along with therapy and journalling. I used to think being a "tough" girl was the answer to avoiding the unpleasant experiences life has to offer at times, but the truth is, if nothing else happens to shake things up a Saturn Return sure will. For me, it seemed as if my Saturn Return unveiled a lot of trauma I'd been avoiding dealing with, but once I sat with myself in meditation and prayer I saw the lessons and wisdom from many of those experiences; the good as well as the not so good. Looking back I guess I'm happy for the way things have gone because they lead to this moment in time, these opportunities to grasp, memories to make. 

I hope you're grabbing ahold of each opportunity that may be presenting itself in this time of pandemic, or as I like to say a time of reflection and introspection. In addition I hope you are healing the wounds life has allowed you to endure and you come out with a new perspective. I hope you are basking in happiness, self-care and self-love as we need it now more than ever before, I think. As I wrote that, I thought of my tribe and how I feel as if my circle is becoming just that. I thought of the encouragement and conversations about our plans or artistic expressions and how we push one another to be and do our best. I think of you all as an aspect of that tribe because although you may not know me in person you know my words, many of you following from the early days on the other blog or instagram and twitter. I'd like to think you have seen some growth, some barriers being broken, such as my fear of vulnerability and how I've slowly overcome that. I pray my words are inspiring or at the very least, thought provoking. I think I'm hoping to see the New Earth, where we are more harmonious, peaceful and community based as opposed to individualistic and at odds with ourselves and others. I like to think those of you who follow my posts are of a like mind. I think that's another price of emotions, empathy and perhaps compassion. Striving to be more compassionate and empathetic has helped me in ways I had not thought possible. 

I used to be a mean girl, tough exterior, but a very sensitive person on the inside, once I decided to allow that to show more the happier I became.  I realize the contradiction in how I presented myself to the world as opposed to "the world outside my window", I think that's why I have over two-hundred posts on that blog reverted to drafts. I keep saying I'll go through them and republish them, yet I have not taken the time to do so. Then again, what is time? lol. I allow myself the space to do so when the appropriate time presents itself, so far that time has not come. Out of two-hundred-seventy-two posts I've published forty-six (smh); I hope that sheds a light on the level of overwhelm I feel when even thinking about going through them all. Some I know I will not republish because they are far too personal and should have been in a journal rather than for public view. Others, I think it's the level of vulnerablitiy I was once too shy to allow that side of me to be expressed to the "world". I think I will republish them in increments, allowing my higher self to guide the way. With that being said, feel free to view some of the posts from previous years to see the journey from where it began.

Peace & Blessings to you all

Kamille 💗✨