Sitting In Silence

 "sit, be still and listen"

- Rumi

Years ago I discovered what is believed to be "sacred time"; which is the time of the day observed to honor God, however that is for you. I use that time to pray, meditate and focus on my hearts desires. I found that last part a bit difficult until recently, as I wrote before, I'm learning to dream and set goals again, taking much thought into where I see myself in years to come. The vision has yet to become clear, but I am having fun dreaming of various scenarios; even if God has something different in store. Over the years I've learned to leave room for God to guide me, taking heed to red flags, gut feelings and synchronicities. I also learned of a few tools such as my natal chart, astrology, astronomy, energy cleansing, chakras and tarot which assists with things my intuition leads me to. I find it fascinating when my tarot reader tells me something only I know about myself or a circumstance, whenever I have a deep urgency to schedule a session that happens and I know I'm on the right path. I have been practicing reading tarot cards for a while now and while writing I decided to take a break and read the cards for myself; interestingly enough I got insight on things discussed in my last session. I'd been anxious about something said and was questioning whether I should do something to speed up the process and the cards definitely gave me the answer I needed. I'm working on practicing patience when it comes to things I want, the former brat in me want's what I want when I want it, but as I am maturing I am attempting to exercise restraint and allowing things to flow to me in their appropriate time. With some things this can be more difficult than with others, depending on my excitement for whatever it is I am desiring at the time. I'm learning to be still and listen, I suppose that's what patience is for, sitting still enough to allow the answers to come in their own magical way. 

The only thing about that is anxiety, ocd and happiness; which is an interesting cocktail of emotions. Anxiety would have me skipping ahead a few steps to interject myself into the mix hoping to get the response that I desire; ocd will keep it on my mind until I do something. While happiness is the voice of reason reminding me of my current state of mind and how I don't want to do anything to unravel that. At one point I thought I had an attention disorder because it was almost impossible for me to sit or be still. Even in writing I often ask myself where is this going or how will this end, but I've learned to quiet the questions and allow the words to come forth as they see fit. I take a deep breath, look around the room and realize there's no music playing, no incense burning or marijuana smoke in the air. I don't always need that to write, but I do like the vibe of it all; it makes me feel connected to something higher than myself; as if I am tapped into the Universe and the necessary words come to me as they should. I've been focused again on my purpose and what I think it is, I'm still a little unsure, but a few things come to mind. Of course I feel as if I have a purpose to write and share my experiences and thoughts with others; yet I am curious about how my love and study of the aforementioned tools may be apart of it too. I don't quite know how that factors in, but I do know that the readings I've done for others have been just as insightful as my readings for myself. I love that feeling, especially when it's someone who "isn't into that stuff" like tarot, natal charts, retrogrades and the like. I feel a sense of happiness in watching someone awaken to new things.

I find myself wanting to find other writer friends to chat with; or more friends in general, I think. I feel like a broken record to say this again, but I feel as if I'm coming out of my shell. It may be seasonal or a part of the liberation a particular age brings; I am unsure, but I know I need to do something with this energy. I've been focused on attracting the right people for me, I guess you can say my tribe. That's also something I am learning to be still with, not rushing the process of meeting people who also enjoy writing or metaphysical things. Although I am still learning I like talking to people on different levels of understanding when it comes to these types of things. I like the idea of each person learning something from one another rather than one person being the "expert" on all things discussed; that gets pretty boring really quickly. Lately, I reintroduced my studying of kundalini as well as each chakra and how to balance them; I even signed up for daily grounding during this Mercury retrograde as well as a cleanse which is just in time for scorpio season. Some believe scorpio season is about "rebirth and how our souls are cleansed from the old cycles which no longer serve us". I even looked up the phase of the Moon at my time of birth to get a better understanding of myself. It's amazing how these things are so accurate, It's funny because if someone said this is how I would be years ago I would have laughed; before I was so logical, going only by "facts" with no room for the supernatural, now I'm all about it. Reminds me of the quote by Rumi- “Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?”

It's been over a decade that I was introduced to natal charts, chakras and such; and I can see how knowing these things contributed to my awakening of sorts, it wasn't until the events leading up to the initial anxiety attack and the aftermath of it all that I can see how it has changed me and like the quote suggests this side may be better than the one I left. Of course some days I don't see it that way, but today I do. I think the chaos of it all flipped a switch and something within me knew I could no longer go on the way that I was, add abuse to that and the trauma was more than that version of myself could bare. However, it's a bit bittersweet because some days I miss my old life; like in this moment there is a part of me that wishes I could time travel to certain instances in the past and do things differently. Since that is not possible I pray that in my next lifetime, should I choose to return to this Earth; as a woman, I will do things the way I envision in hindsight. Knowing what I know now I will hopefully avoid certain pitfalls and bad decisions or should I say word choices in various situations. I guess that only matters if I fully believed and understood reincarnation and soul contracts. Nevertheless, I do believe in star-crossed lovers and I may have assisted in ruining mine in this lifetime; so I must be still and listen; allowing myself to move forward, open to new possibilities and such. I don't even know how that inserted itself into this entry, I suppose it's just the mood I'm in as I allow the music to play and the lyrics to seep into my thought process.

Crazy how it comes back to that, wishing I could re-do a particular relationship while possibly avoiding others. I guess the person I am now is the sum of all of my experiences, but I wonder: would I still have become this person without certain occurrences? Perhaps nostalgia has crept in, making me romanticize relationships that may have been doomed from the beginning or looking back is allowing me to notice some of my own toxic traits which lead to the demise of said relationship. So far, that's what I'm sitting with, allowing myself to fully let go of what could have, would have and/or should have happened had I... Maybe that's where being open to new possibilities comes into play; which is why I believe this cleanse and energy clearing are right on time for me at this stage in my life. I feel as if I'm at a crossroad and rather than looking backwards I am searching for the sign which shows the way to go forward, continuing on the path that I find myself on. One thing is for sure, I've let go of the fear of being vulnerable; at least on the blog. I feel open and honest; wishing I could meet certain people again, as I am now, hoping they've matured as well and see how the stars align knowing what we know now. I suppose the lessons learned are for future relationships, making sure not to make the same "mistakes" again. I guess time will tell, until then I intend to be still and listen.

useful links:

click here for your free birth/natal chart

click here for free Moon phase at the time of your birth

Transparency: A Journey

"start over, my darling. be brave enough to find the life you want and courageous enough to chase it. then start over and love yourself the way you were always meant to."

Madalyn Beck

After visiting my tarot reader again I found a bit more clarity in what the cards along with various synchronicities were telling me. It seems I've come full circle from the incidents which caused my mental health concerns and I am now facing some of those same triggers; I suppose as a test to measure the lessons learned. As I've written before I find myself on an unfamiliar path, the goals and dreams I'd set for myself hit a stumbling block when the onset of mental illness entered the picture. Now I have to think of new goals and dreams for my future and that at times seems a bit impossible. I guess being a particular age and starting over is not that uncommon, yet to me it feels foreign. I've managed to think of a few goals and I am currently working towards them however dreams are a bit more difficult, especially since the question comes up regarding a companion to live those dreams out with. My tarot reader had much to say on the topic and suggests I begin "putting myself out there" in order to meet new people which could possibly lead to something serious. He asked if I were ready to meet someone and I stated, "I'm open to the possibilities". Not just with dating, but with my future; I'd grown tired of wishing things were as they were many moons ago and decided to go with the flow of my current life. I've found the bravery and courage to dream again and embrace starting over. It's just coming out of my shell enough to go after whatever it is that I want.

That's the thing, I don't entirely know what I want or how I want my future to look aside from much laughter, stability and happiness. I'm at a stage in my healing that I am not as fragile as I once was when it comes to facing fears or experiencing things that once sent me over the edge, yet I am not willing to jeopardize the progress I've made over the past several years. One situation I find myself conflicted about has the ingredients to do just that if I don't take the necessary precautions, so I've been doing my tarot, along with prayer and meditation in addition to gathering the necessary crystals to protect and guide me. I find although the situation is all too familiar I am relearning things about myself as I navigate through that I know will be a benefit when it's all said and done. I am no longer afraid to pursue the desires of my heart, waiting for the perfect timing or opportunity has made me stagnant in the past and that is one thing I do not wish to repeat as time goes on. I'm still working on holding back in my relationships, but I feel as if I've come a long way from where I once was. I have yet to dive into my heart and find what's calling my soul aside from writing. I read the following quote and I guess that's what I've been fearful of until recently: "the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek"- Joseph Campbell

The treasure I seek is my dream for the future, the cave then would be my heart and the fear is the uncertainty of life which suggests to make plans and watch God laugh. I don't quite know how I'll handle another road block getting in the way of my dreams or the need to begin again and dream new dreams. I wrote recently in Transparency: Dreams, Desires and My Thoughts regarding the desire to have more children and the regret I felt because I'd chosen not to, although I am slowly releasing those feelings and emotions attached to that awarenesses I still wrestle with the thoughts. Seeing how "hindsight is 20/20" I realize the possible damage of suffering from newfound mental illnesses with small children to raise; I don't know if I would've come out of that or the trauma that could have been inflicted upon myself and/or those children. Since I have no plans to endure a "late in life" pregnancy it's only fair to myself to find peace with this outcome. I can no longer resent or regret any decision made during those years because they were made with my higher self; who knows the journey even when my consciousness doesn't at the time. I also wrote in Glowing Up about how I've been sharing more and not being so hard on myself as I shift my focus on self-love and such. Although I do want to experience the opportunity of meeting someone, I am enjoying meeting myself on another level. So contrary to my tarot readers suggestions companionship is not that high on the list of priorities just yet. 

I have gotten more comfortable being my authentic self and I feel as if some of the growth can be seen in my writing; at least I hope it does. I think at some point I'll write down my dreams and what I believe it will take to accomplish them, that may be the missing piece, writing it down. Funny because I often have the best thoughts when I am sleeping or driving and of course there's no pen or paper in sight. I often pray to have the thoughts return when I am better able to jot them down and sometimes it happens that way. In my last writing I mentioned neglecting aspects of myself and the first thing that came to mind was companionship, but I think more importantly I'd neglected some of my wants and needs as a person who happens to be a woman. I think we as a society can get so hung up on marital status that we forget to be whole without a plus one. I thought I lost something or I was missing something so I began showering myself with self-care; I'd enjoy dates with myself or friends and not think too much about meeting anyone until recently. Not too long ago while running errands with my Aunt she asked why I'd stopped wearing make up and my reply was that I will once I lose the weight; I later found myself helping a friend with a photoshoot and somewhere in the mix I ended up with a full face of make up and I saw myself differently. I then realized all of the things I had been avoiding or neglecting because I was unhappy with the weight I'd gained over the years. In that moment I decided not to live that way any longer.

While I was out over the weekend I decided to stop and buy a few essential make up items and had a good time playing with it earlier that evening. It felt good and more importantly I liked how I looked and felt. I know that seems a bit trivial, but to me it was that little adjustment that made a big difference in how I saw myself. I remember someone saying to me "I wish you saw yourself the way I see you"; and although that was an extremely sweet thing to say the attention was unwanted so the words fell flat. I now realize the main person hindered by the weight gain was me, no one else cares. Or should I say, it's not a major issue for anyone in my life other than myself. I began working on my fitness again and decided to embrace my girlie side; I feel better as the days are going by because I am discovering myself and allowing the best parts to shine forth as I work on the shadow side along with areas I feel need improvement. The quote: "let yourself become living poetry"- Rumi, comes to mind as I peek out of the shell I referenced earlier. As a Capricorn (Sun sign), Aquarius (Moon sign) and Virgo (rising) I find my wants and needs conflict with my natural response to things at times. For me, I like to stay low-key; but other aspects of my natal chart is a bit more aggressive when it comes to wanting and needing various things I could normally do without. I think that's the poetry in it all, to balance what I've learned about my Sun sign with all of the other facets of my being. I only learned about birth/natal charts about nine or ten years ago so for much of my life I felt molded in how a Capricorn behaves, but after generating my natal chart and studying myself I now understand why certain things conflict when I now know they don't have to.

I feel lighter; as if a weight has been lifted and it feels "right on time"; I now realize the amount of effort it takes to hold things in can be crippling. I did not know certain things had been affecting me for as long as they had, it wasn't until a recent trigger sparked a memory that things sort of unravelled; not in the sense of causing a mental health break, but more so an "ah-ha" moment pinpointing an area of my life that took a turn and assisted with the causes of said mental health break in 2012. That's a long time to carry such a burden unbeknownst to me, I am glad it revealed itself gently; where I could digest in a healthy and stable way. After speaking with my tarot reader and a friend, I've decided to seek another therapist; I'm praying I get one who is more aligned with my energy and I don't feel the need to avoid certain topics. That's what I did with my last therapist, well, to be honest, that's what she did with me. I allowed her to lead our sessions and her main focus was my anxiety and depression which through various techniques I am able to manage better than days past; but my personal life and interests never made it to the conversation. I think that's what I need, an outlet to discuss my personal life that is outside of the blog and with friends. Thankfully I have those outlets, but some things are too personal to share here and other things I don't want to burden my friends with the responsibility of hearing about them much of the time. 

I am now even more excited about the coming months and year; I feel as if my transformations are all for a reason and that reason will soon reveal itself to me. I feel as if the past several years were all to get me to this point of being; happy and healthy in my own skin, finding new perspectives to things that used to "ruffle my feathers" and finding constructive ways to transmute that energy. Since Mercury is retrograde I decided to get extra grounding from Mystic Lipstick, I've participated in various groundings and clearings over the years and I will admit they are extremely helpful; especially during Mercury retrograde. I also replaced my Tiger's Eye crystal which helps with emotional stability, balance and other such attributes I find useful at this time. I feel as if I am on the right path yet my purpose is still unclear, perhaps that's where the diving into my heart comes in. Maybe that's the journey, unlocking parts of oneself until their purpose is revealed? I've been curious about my purpose and the purpose of those in my life for many years, some things are still unclear, but I figure the more I write it out the clearer it may become. I will admit, I am looking forward to how it will all unfold.

 

Glowing Up

“from understanding comes love”

Rumi 

The other week my therapist said I made enough progress to end our sessions. She also stated that I could call her if necessary; I don't quite know how I feel about that, I guess you can say I'm still processing.  For a few days I thought of all the conversations I should've had with her, they seemed trivial at the time, but now they have feelings or emotions attached and I feel as if I should hash them out with someone other than friends. I used to do that a lot, hold onto things I felt I should say yet the timing was never right to do so, at least from my perspective. I'm beginning to wonder if I should call her and speak on the things swirling around in my head. I feel a void and I don't know which direction it's coming from. Perhaps because my Dad's birthday just passed and he was not here to celebrate what would've been his 60th; along with the fact my Grandmother's 90th birthday passed recently and she also is not here with us. I feel blessed, to have known them for as long as I did, but my heart mourns a bit because they've passed on. That could be the reason I feel the need to reach out to my former therapist at this time. I've mentioned on the other blog, as well as this one how the last quarter of the year is full of memories of not so pleasant times along with birthdays of loved ones who have passed on. Although I am still looking forward to this time and the new year, I'm finding it to be a bit bittersweet.

I think it's best to "take one day at a time" and make sure those days are filled with happiness, laughter and fond memories. There was a time when those days were few and far between, but thank God now is a different story, most days I run errands, talk to friends and family and enjoy much needed self-care (which varies daily). The past few days I've enjoyed a massage, hair and nail appointments along with dates to socialize with friends and a get together to honor my Father's memory. I feel as if that's the healthiest way to remove the grief of it all and focus on the good times shared. That's the thing about grief, it sometimes pops up out of "nowhere" and brings you down until something snaps you out of it. Lately, music has been helping, especially songs that remind me of my Dad or songs my Mom says my Grandmother liked…

I am in thought or in my feelings; searching for lyrics or quotes to spark a thought to write. As I've shared in previous writings, I found a couple of strains which are creative in nature; but I'm attempting to micro-dose so I don't build a tolerance too quickly. That happened with Bubblegum OG since I seemed to smoke that regularly last month with a few sessions of other strains. True to it's description it left me in a euphoric state of mind, very relaxed and uplifted; even lifting the burden of eczema which mainly effect my hands with an itch that is unbearable at times. Now I've found Sour Sunset which is also very relaxing and uplifting with feelings of creativity and such. I know that's the disposition I want to have especially if I can obtain it on a daily basis; wouldn't that be great if I were creative everyday? I'd find time to write, paint, read more and do all of the other things I pretend I don't have enough time for. 

I began this post days ago, yet parts of it didn't come together until Mercury went retrograde; I guess this is an area I need to reflect upon as the weeks go by. Interesting how I have these revelations as particular retrogrades approach, especially Mercury. As I became aware of what retrogrades were and how they operate I've been able to use them to my advantage; so this time of introspection, reflection and such is right on time. I've decided to use this time to revisit goals, dreams, lifestyle choices and the like; I feel as if it may be a good time to rethink the master cleanse, since I am still working towards a few fitness goals. I feel as though I've focused so much on my spiritual health with major attention paid to my mental health and self care that I now need to focus on my outer appearance and self-love. I've learned to love myself unconditionally which I thought I did until I began gaining weight, I then saw areas within that needed my energy so I've been working towards filling the gap. Health-wise, it just makes sense to lose the unwanted weight; add vanity to that and my ego is ready for bikini season. Due to corona I wasn't able to celebrate my birthday as I'd planned so I want to take a trip next summer and I want to look my best in the photographs. Lately, I've been in the mood to hike and opportunities have presented themselves yet I keep talking myself out of it. I attempted walking a trail not so long ago and I allowed the aches and pains to bring that to a halt. I feel as if it's time to revisit that as well.

I feel a burst of energy, as if I am on the right path; ready to conquer the short term goals I've set for myself. I think if I start today, and take each day as it comes; scheduling time for fitness I have more than enough time to get where I want to be. I remember a few years ago when I'd walk at least five miles daily and other days when I'd hike Runyon Canyon with friends. I think I've wanted to relive those days rather than expect new experiences. That's the difference between today and a few weeks or months ago; now I am open to new possibilities instead of hanging on to the joys of the past. I no longer feel trapped by the me of yesteryear, I have this image of myself in my head and it scares me that I will most likely never look that way again, but this time the fear isn't as strong as it used to be; now I feel as if I am embracing the me that wants to shine through- I suppose that's the "glow up" I've been waiting for.

I've noticed I've been writing less in my journal and more on the blog, over the past few weeks I've learned that I can be a bit too hard on myself, is it even possible to give yourself the benefit of doubt? It seems so easy to extend that courtesy to others yet, for some of us, when it comes to ourselves, we tend to expect expertise in everything no matter our level of knowledge on the topic. Taking the advice of my psychic I haven't been second guessing myself as much as I used to, which helps me better understand aspects of myself that I didn't take enough credit for; so to speak. I think that may have been a missing piece of the puzzle when it came to self-love; I've focused so much on self-care I often overlook certain parts of self-love. As I allow the incense to burn, the music to play and the smoke to dance in the air; I know there are thoughts and feelings associated with being a woman that I have been neglecting. I feel as if it's time to allow myself the love I give so often to myself, I think at some point I thought no one would be capable or available to do so; now I'm realizing the barrier I placed in the way. Rather than speaking with my former therapist, the urge to call my tarot reader grew stronger and stronger as the day went on, I was able to get some clarity regarding some thoughts and feelings I mentioned before "swirling" around. I am thankful for the various avenues I have in mind to obtain insight and clarity, tarot being one of them. I won't share the details of my desires in such a public forum, but I will say this threw me for a loop. As I said a bit earlier, I've been feeling a void of some kind and it wasn't until the moment I reached this sentence that I realize a few words unspoken are partly the reason.

To be continued... 

Words Unspoken

 “Tell me where you go in these silences and I will say if I have been there.”  

— Naomi Shihab Nye

As "bulletproof soul" plays in the background thoughts of you resurface, I wonder where you are or what you are doing that keeps you away from me. We've taken time apart before, but somehow this feels different; more permanent. I ask myself if I should text or call and the answer keeps coming up "no", I don't know if you want to hear from me or where things would go past "hello". So I leave things as they are, silent.

My heart is full yet there's still a space with your name on it and I don't know what to do with it. How do I erase what you mean to me or whether I should even think that thought. I keep saying "one day I'll..." yet that one day hasn't come. Maybe the days are supposed to go by one at a time until the thoughts of you no longer jar me. Maybe like the song says (paraphrased) I'm haunting you the same way you're haunting me; that's what it feels like though, a haunting of a piece of my love that's been displaced. 

What am I supposed to do with that? Perhaps like the quote says I've been in the space of silence you are in now. Maybe one day we'll discuss, until then...