Glowing Up

“from understanding comes love”

Rumi 

The other week my therapist said I made enough progress to end our sessions. She also stated that I could call her if necessary; I don't quite know how I feel about that, I guess you can say I'm still processing.  For a few days I thought of all the conversations I should've had with her, they seemed trivial at the time, but now they have feelings or emotions attached and I feel as if I should hash them out with someone other than friends. I used to do that a lot, hold onto things I felt I should say yet the timing was never right to do so, at least from my perspective. I'm beginning to wonder if I should call her and speak on the things swirling around in my head. I feel a void and I don't know which direction it's coming from. Perhaps because my Dad's birthday just passed and he was not here to celebrate what would've been his 60th; along with the fact my Grandmother's 90th birthday passed recently and she also is not here with us. I feel blessed, to have known them for as long as I did, but my heart mourns a bit because they've passed on. That could be the reason I feel the need to reach out to my former therapist at this time. I've mentioned on the other blog, as well as this one how the last quarter of the year is full of memories of not so pleasant times along with birthdays of loved ones who have passed on. Although I am still looking forward to this time and the new year, I'm finding it to be a bit bittersweet.

I think it's best to "take one day at a time" and make sure those days are filled with happiness, laughter and fond memories. There was a time when those days were few and far between, but thank God now is a different story, most days I run errands, talk to friends and family and enjoy much needed self-care (which varies daily). The past few days I've enjoyed a massage, hair and nail appointments along with dates to socialize with friends and a get together to honor my Father's memory. I feel as if that's the healthiest way to remove the grief of it all and focus on the good times shared. That's the thing about grief, it sometimes pops up out of "nowhere" and brings you down until something snaps you out of it. Lately, music has been helping, especially songs that remind me of my Dad or songs my Mom says my Grandmother liked…

I am in thought or in my feelings; searching for lyrics or quotes to spark a thought to write. As I've shared in previous writings, I found a couple of strains which are creative in nature; but I'm attempting to micro-dose so I don't build a tolerance too quickly. That happened with Bubblegum OG since I seemed to smoke that regularly last month with a few sessions of other strains. True to it's description it left me in a euphoric state of mind, very relaxed and uplifted; even lifting the burden of eczema which mainly effect my hands with an itch that is unbearable at times. Now I've found Sour Sunset which is also very relaxing and uplifting with feelings of creativity and such. I know that's the disposition I want to have especially if I can obtain it on a daily basis; wouldn't that be great if I were creative everyday? I'd find time to write, paint, read more and do all of the other things I pretend I don't have enough time for. 

I began this post days ago, yet parts of it didn't come together until Mercury went retrograde; I guess this is an area I need to reflect upon as the weeks go by. Interesting how I have these revelations as particular retrogrades approach, especially Mercury. As I became aware of what retrogrades were and how they operate I've been able to use them to my advantage; so this time of introspection, reflection and such is right on time. I've decided to use this time to revisit goals, dreams, lifestyle choices and the like; I feel as if it may be a good time to rethink the master cleanse, since I am still working towards a few fitness goals. I feel as though I've focused so much on my spiritual health with major attention paid to my mental health and self care that I now need to focus on my outer appearance and self-love. I've learned to love myself unconditionally which I thought I did until I began gaining weight, I then saw areas within that needed my energy so I've been working towards filling the gap. Health-wise, it just makes sense to lose the unwanted weight; add vanity to that and my ego is ready for bikini season. Due to corona I wasn't able to celebrate my birthday as I'd planned so I want to take a trip next summer and I want to look my best in the photographs. Lately, I've been in the mood to hike and opportunities have presented themselves yet I keep talking myself out of it. I attempted walking a trail not so long ago and I allowed the aches and pains to bring that to a halt. I feel as if it's time to revisit that as well.

I feel a burst of energy, as if I am on the right path; ready to conquer the short term goals I've set for myself. I think if I start today, and take each day as it comes; scheduling time for fitness I have more than enough time to get where I want to be. I remember a few years ago when I'd walk at least five miles daily and other days when I'd hike Runyon Canyon with friends. I think I've wanted to relive those days rather than expect new experiences. That's the difference between today and a few weeks or months ago; now I am open to new possibilities instead of hanging on to the joys of the past. I no longer feel trapped by the me of yesteryear, I have this image of myself in my head and it scares me that I will most likely never look that way again, but this time the fear isn't as strong as it used to be; now I feel as if I am embracing the me that wants to shine through- I suppose that's the "glow up" I've been waiting for.

I've noticed I've been writing less in my journal and more on the blog, over the past few weeks I've learned that I can be a bit too hard on myself, is it even possible to give yourself the benefit of doubt? It seems so easy to extend that courtesy to others yet, for some of us, when it comes to ourselves, we tend to expect expertise in everything no matter our level of knowledge on the topic. Taking the advice of my psychic I haven't been second guessing myself as much as I used to, which helps me better understand aspects of myself that I didn't take enough credit for; so to speak. I think that may have been a missing piece of the puzzle when it came to self-love; I've focused so much on self-care I often overlook certain parts of self-love. As I allow the incense to burn, the music to play and the smoke to dance in the air; I know there are thoughts and feelings associated with being a woman that I have been neglecting. I feel as if it's time to allow myself the love I give so often to myself, I think at some point I thought no one would be capable or available to do so; now I'm realizing the barrier I placed in the way. Rather than speaking with my former therapist, the urge to call my tarot reader grew stronger and stronger as the day went on, I was able to get some clarity regarding some thoughts and feelings I mentioned before "swirling" around. I am thankful for the various avenues I have in mind to obtain insight and clarity, tarot being one of them. I won't share the details of my desires in such a public forum, but I will say this threw me for a loop. As I said a bit earlier, I've been feeling a void of some kind and it wasn't until the moment I reached this sentence that I realize a few words unspoken are partly the reason.

To be continued...