Transparency: A Journey

"start over, my darling. be brave enough to find the life you want and courageous enough to chase it. then start over and love yourself the way you were always meant to."

Madalyn Beck

After visiting my tarot reader again I found a bit more clarity in what the cards along with various synchronicities were telling me. It seems I've come full circle from the incidents which caused my mental health concerns and I am now facing some of those same triggers; I suppose as a test to measure the lessons learned. As I've written before I find myself on an unfamiliar path, the goals and dreams I'd set for myself hit a stumbling block when the onset of mental illness entered the picture. Now I have to think of new goals and dreams for my future and that at times seems a bit impossible. I guess being a particular age and starting over is not that uncommon, yet to me it feels foreign. I've managed to think of a few goals and I am currently working towards them however dreams are a bit more difficult, especially since the question comes up regarding a companion to live those dreams out with. My tarot reader had much to say on the topic and suggests I begin "putting myself out there" in order to meet new people which could possibly lead to something serious. He asked if I were ready to meet someone and I stated, "I'm open to the possibilities". Not just with dating, but with my future; I'd grown tired of wishing things were as they were many moons ago and decided to go with the flow of my current life. I've found the bravery and courage to dream again and embrace starting over. It's just coming out of my shell enough to go after whatever it is that I want.

That's the thing, I don't entirely know what I want or how I want my future to look aside from much laughter, stability and happiness. I'm at a stage in my healing that I am not as fragile as I once was when it comes to facing fears or experiencing things that once sent me over the edge, yet I am not willing to jeopardize the progress I've made over the past several years. One situation I find myself conflicted about has the ingredients to do just that if I don't take the necessary precautions, so I've been doing my tarot, along with prayer and meditation in addition to gathering the necessary crystals to protect and guide me. I find although the situation is all too familiar I am relearning things about myself as I navigate through that I know will be a benefit when it's all said and done. I am no longer afraid to pursue the desires of my heart, waiting for the perfect timing or opportunity has made me stagnant in the past and that is one thing I do not wish to repeat as time goes on. I'm still working on holding back in my relationships, but I feel as if I've come a long way from where I once was. I have yet to dive into my heart and find what's calling my soul aside from writing. I read the following quote and I guess that's what I've been fearful of until recently: "the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek"- Joseph Campbell

The treasure I seek is my dream for the future, the cave then would be my heart and the fear is the uncertainty of life which suggests to make plans and watch God laugh. I don't quite know how I'll handle another road block getting in the way of my dreams or the need to begin again and dream new dreams. I wrote recently in Transparency: Dreams, Desires and My Thoughts regarding the desire to have more children and the regret I felt because I'd chosen not to, although I am slowly releasing those feelings and emotions attached to that awarenesses I still wrestle with the thoughts. Seeing how "hindsight is 20/20" I realize the possible damage of suffering from newfound mental illnesses with small children to raise; I don't know if I would've come out of that or the trauma that could have been inflicted upon myself and/or those children. Since I have no plans to endure a "late in life" pregnancy it's only fair to myself to find peace with this outcome. I can no longer resent or regret any decision made during those years because they were made with my higher self; who knows the journey even when my consciousness doesn't at the time. I also wrote in Glowing Up about how I've been sharing more and not being so hard on myself as I shift my focus on self-love and such. Although I do want to experience the opportunity of meeting someone, I am enjoying meeting myself on another level. So contrary to my tarot readers suggestions companionship is not that high on the list of priorities just yet. 

I have gotten more comfortable being my authentic self and I feel as if some of the growth can be seen in my writing; at least I hope it does. I think at some point I'll write down my dreams and what I believe it will take to accomplish them, that may be the missing piece, writing it down. Funny because I often have the best thoughts when I am sleeping or driving and of course there's no pen or paper in sight. I often pray to have the thoughts return when I am better able to jot them down and sometimes it happens that way. In my last writing I mentioned neglecting aspects of myself and the first thing that came to mind was companionship, but I think more importantly I'd neglected some of my wants and needs as a person who happens to be a woman. I think we as a society can get so hung up on marital status that we forget to be whole without a plus one. I thought I lost something or I was missing something so I began showering myself with self-care; I'd enjoy dates with myself or friends and not think too much about meeting anyone until recently. Not too long ago while running errands with my Aunt she asked why I'd stopped wearing make up and my reply was that I will once I lose the weight; I later found myself helping a friend with a photoshoot and somewhere in the mix I ended up with a full face of make up and I saw myself differently. I then realized all of the things I had been avoiding or neglecting because I was unhappy with the weight I'd gained over the years. In that moment I decided not to live that way any longer.

While I was out over the weekend I decided to stop and buy a few essential make up items and had a good time playing with it earlier that evening. It felt good and more importantly I liked how I looked and felt. I know that seems a bit trivial, but to me it was that little adjustment that made a big difference in how I saw myself. I remember someone saying to me "I wish you saw yourself the way I see you"; and although that was an extremely sweet thing to say the attention was unwanted so the words fell flat. I now realize the main person hindered by the weight gain was me, no one else cares. Or should I say, it's not a major issue for anyone in my life other than myself. I began working on my fitness again and decided to embrace my girlie side; I feel better as the days are going by because I am discovering myself and allowing the best parts to shine forth as I work on the shadow side along with areas I feel need improvement. The quote: "let yourself become living poetry"- Rumi, comes to mind as I peek out of the shell I referenced earlier. As a Capricorn (Sun sign), Aquarius (Moon sign) and Virgo (rising) I find my wants and needs conflict with my natural response to things at times. For me, I like to stay low-key; but other aspects of my natal chart is a bit more aggressive when it comes to wanting and needing various things I could normally do without. I think that's the poetry in it all, to balance what I've learned about my Sun sign with all of the other facets of my being. I only learned about birth/natal charts about nine or ten years ago so for much of my life I felt molded in how a Capricorn behaves, but after generating my natal chart and studying myself I now understand why certain things conflict when I now know they don't have to.

I feel lighter; as if a weight has been lifted and it feels "right on time"; I now realize the amount of effort it takes to hold things in can be crippling. I did not know certain things had been affecting me for as long as they had, it wasn't until a recent trigger sparked a memory that things sort of unravelled; not in the sense of causing a mental health break, but more so an "ah-ha" moment pinpointing an area of my life that took a turn and assisted with the causes of said mental health break in 2012. That's a long time to carry such a burden unbeknownst to me, I am glad it revealed itself gently; where I could digest in a healthy and stable way. After speaking with my tarot reader and a friend, I've decided to seek another therapist; I'm praying I get one who is more aligned with my energy and I don't feel the need to avoid certain topics. That's what I did with my last therapist, well, to be honest, that's what she did with me. I allowed her to lead our sessions and her main focus was my anxiety and depression which through various techniques I am able to manage better than days past; but my personal life and interests never made it to the conversation. I think that's what I need, an outlet to discuss my personal life that is outside of the blog and with friends. Thankfully I have those outlets, but some things are too personal to share here and other things I don't want to burden my friends with the responsibility of hearing about them much of the time. 

I am now even more excited about the coming months and year; I feel as if my transformations are all for a reason and that reason will soon reveal itself to me. I feel as if the past several years were all to get me to this point of being; happy and healthy in my own skin, finding new perspectives to things that used to "ruffle my feathers" and finding constructive ways to transmute that energy. Since Mercury is retrograde I decided to get extra grounding from Mystic Lipstick, I've participated in various groundings and clearings over the years and I will admit they are extremely helpful; especially during Mercury retrograde. I also replaced my Tiger's Eye crystal which helps with emotional stability, balance and other such attributes I find useful at this time. I feel as if I am on the right path yet my purpose is still unclear, perhaps that's where the diving into my heart comes in. Maybe that's the journey, unlocking parts of oneself until their purpose is revealed? I've been curious about my purpose and the purpose of those in my life for many years, some things are still unclear, but I figure the more I write it out the clearer it may become. I will admit, I am looking forward to how it will all unfold.