Sitting In Silence

By -

 "sit, be still and listen"

- Rumi

Years ago I discovered what is believed to be "sacred time"; which is the time of the day observed to honor God, however that is for you. I use that time to pray, meditate and focus on my hearts desires. I found that last part a bit difficult until recently, as I wrote before, I'm learning to dream and set goals again, taking much thought into where I see myself in years to come. The vision has yet to become clear, but I am having fun dreaming of various scenarios; even if God has something different in store. Over the years I've learned to leave room for God to guide me, taking heed to red flags, gut feelings and synchronicities. I also learned of a few tools such as my natal chart, astrology, astronomy, energy cleansing, chakras and tarot which assists with things my intuition leads me to. I find it fascinating when my tarot reader tells me something only I know about myself or a circumstance, whenever I have a deep urgency to schedule a session that happens and I know I'm on the right path. I have been practicing reading tarot cards for a while now and while writing I decided to take a break and read the cards for myself; interestingly enough I got insight on things discussed in my last session. I'd been anxious about something said and was questioning whether I should do something to speed up the process and the cards definitely gave me the answer I needed. I'm working on practicing patience when it comes to things I want, the former brat in me want's what I want when I want it, but as I am maturing I am attempting to exercise restraint and allowing things to flow to me in their appropriate time. With some things this can be more difficult than with others, depending on my excitement for whatever it is I am desiring at the time. I'm learning to be still and listen, I suppose that's what patience is for, sitting still enough to allow the answers to come in their own magical way. 

The only thing about that is anxiety, ocd and happiness; which is an interesting cocktail of emotions. Anxiety would have me skipping ahead a few steps to interject myself into the mix hoping to get the response that I desire; ocd will keep it on my mind until I do something. While happiness is the voice of reason reminding me of my current state of mind and how I don't want to do anything to unravel that. At one point I thought I had an attention disorder because it was almost impossible for me to sit or be still. Even in writing I often ask myself where is this going or how will this end, but I've learned to quiet the questions and allow the words to come forth as they see fit. I take a deep breath, look around the room and realize there's no music playing, no incense burning or marijuana smoke in the air. I don't always need that to write, but I do like the vibe of it all; it makes me feel connected to something higher than myself; as if I am tapped into the Universe and the necessary words come to me as they should. I've been focused again on my purpose and what I think it is, I'm still a little unsure, but a few things come to mind. Of course I feel as if I have a purpose to write and share my experiences and thoughts with others; yet I am curious about how my love and study of the aforementioned tools may be apart of it too. I don't quite know how that factors in, but I do know that the readings I've done for others have been just as insightful as my readings for myself. I love that feeling, especially when it's someone who "isn't into that stuff" like tarot, natal charts, retrogrades and the like. I feel a sense of happiness in watching someone awaken to new things.

I find myself wanting to find other writer friends to chat with; or more friends in general, I think. I feel like a broken record to say this again, but I feel as if I'm coming out of my shell. It may be seasonal or a part of the liberation a particular age brings; I am unsure, but I know I need to do something with this energy. I've been focused on attracting the right people for me, I guess you can say my tribe. That's also something I am learning to be still with, not rushing the process of meeting people who also enjoy writing or metaphysical things. Although I am still learning I like talking to people on different levels of understanding when it comes to these types of things. I like the idea of each person learning something from one another rather than one person being the "expert" on all things discussed; that gets pretty boring really quickly. Lately, I reintroduced my studying of kundalini as well as each chakra and how to balance them; I even signed up for daily grounding during this Mercury retrograde as well as a cleanse which is just in time for scorpio season. Some believe scorpio season is about "rebirth and how our souls are cleansed from the old cycles which no longer serve us". I even looked up the phase of the Moon at my time of birth to get a better understanding of myself. It's amazing how these things are so accurate, It's funny because if someone said this is how I would be years ago I would have laughed; before I was so logical, going only by "facts" with no room for the supernatural, now I'm all about it. Reminds me of the quote by Rumi- “Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?”

It's been over a decade that I was introduced to natal charts, chakras and such; and I can see how knowing these things contributed to my awakening of sorts, it wasn't until the events leading up to the initial anxiety attack and the aftermath of it all that I can see how it has changed me and like the quote suggests this side may be better than the one I left. Of course some days I don't see it that way, but today I do. I think the chaos of it all flipped a switch and something within me knew I could no longer go on the way that I was, add abuse to that and the trauma was more than that version of myself could bare. However, it's a bit bittersweet because some days I miss my old life; like in this moment there is a part of me that wishes I could time travel to certain instances in the past and do things differently. Since that is not possible I pray that in my next lifetime, should I choose to return to this Earth; as a woman, I will do things the way I envision in hindsight. Knowing what I know now I will hopefully avoid certain pitfalls and bad decisions or should I say word choices in various situations. I guess that only matters if I fully believed and understood reincarnation and soul contracts. Nevertheless, I do believe in star-crossed lovers and I may have assisted in ruining mine in this lifetime; so I must be still and listen; allowing myself to move forward, open to new possibilities and such. I don't even know how that inserted itself into this entry, I suppose it's just the mood I'm in as I allow the music to play and the lyrics to seep into my thought process.

Crazy how it comes back to that, wishing I could re-do a particular relationship while possibly avoiding others. I guess the person I am now is the sum of all of my experiences, but I wonder: would I still have become this person without certain occurrences? Perhaps nostalgia has crept in, making me romanticize relationships that may have been doomed from the beginning or looking back is allowing me to notice some of my own toxic traits which lead to the demise of said relationship. So far, that's what I'm sitting with, allowing myself to fully let go of what could have, would have and/or should have happened had I... Maybe that's where being open to new possibilities comes into play; which is why I believe this cleanse and energy clearing are right on time for me at this stage in my life. I feel as if I'm at a crossroad and rather than looking backwards I am searching for the sign which shows the way to go forward, continuing on the path that I find myself on. One thing is for sure, I've let go of the fear of being vulnerable; at least on the blog. I feel open and honest; wishing I could meet certain people again, as I am now, hoping they've matured as well and see how the stars align knowing what we know now. I suppose the lessons learned are for future relationships, making sure not to make the same "mistakes" again. I guess time will tell, until then I intend to be still and listen.



useful links:

click here for your free birth/natal chart

click here for free Moon phase at the time of your birth

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

let's work it out

By -
I was hesitant to share this, but what good would that do in documenting my story if I were not honest?  Approximately 2016, I did not love myself very much; I was unhappy with various aspects of my life and began to make poor physical health decisions. Including beginning smoking cigarettes and other unhealthy habits regarding meal choices. Although I wrote on the blogs a few times, once on the first blog which was entitled "Getting Over vs. Going Through"  this post was so vague I hardly remember what I was getting over, well I do know what I was attempting to get over, but I barely recall what I was going through. After a few months of self-care and self-love I wrote an expression titled "The Moon, My Soul & Love: An Introduction"   by spending so much time and effort on my mental health due to the conditions I found myself with I had neglected by body and now I am reaping the outcome of that. Not as a punishment, but as a reality of what happens when a perso
Read more

you'll be alright

By -
 "don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. unfold your own myth." Rumi Since disclosing my diagnosis and treatment plan I find many people have been supportive while others have been distant and few have shared their experiences or the experiences of loved ones, which are appreciated. I will be beginning chemotherapy this week and I will admit, I am scared and nervous; I don't know what to expect and although most side effects are common knowledge I am uncertain of how my being will respond to such treatments. I wish I could fast forward this year yet another part of me wants to cherish each moment and "make them count" for whatever reason. I recognize this is simply a stage along my journey, then the thought of where the journey leads comes to mind. As time passes by I am unsure of this journey I find myself on, perhaps the destination is where my spirituality leads me? I recall some time in 2013 I believe, I had a sort of awakeni
Read more

Pink Skies

By -
I just smoked a strain called Golden Ticket  and instantly felt compelled to write; that's rarely happened with the exception of  Blue Dream  and Space Queen  both of which have become favorites of mine. I learned of this strain from a friend who referred to it as "everything I want in my marijuana" with that being said I was super excited when I found it, after looking for several months. I recently took an impromptu staycation to Las Vegas, and enjoyed a bit of shopping and visiting with family, although it wasn't a tropical resort the relaxation was much needed. That is until pains crept up in my back from driving the distance; almost immediately I paid a visit to my chiropractor and later attempted to schedule an appointment for a massage, which unfortunately did not happen as planned. I did however see the Sun as it was setting and the sky was this amazing color pink; mixed with various hues of blue, orange and purple. Although a bit bittersweet because much of
Read more