cleansing, ghosting and moving forward

I was reading through a draft and felt as if I'd read it before; I decided to close the entry and begin anew. Of course I am attempting to find reasons to put off sharing, but it seems the words are coming out as they see fit, even with my nails longer than usual and the typos and speed, or lack of can not frustrate me to the point of stopping. Prior to writing I completed a few tarot readings for myself, I felt as if things are on track for the path I find myself on; although I don't quite know the destination of the journey just yet. I seem to have this knowing that things are in alignment as I manifest my dreams and decipher my hopes. My tarot readings spoke a lot of mystic messages regarding the subconscious mind as well as change and balance, I feel as if that is just in time as I ease into the new year as well as adjust to my birth date. The New Moon speaks of new beginnings and cycles ending as well as growth. Which makes me think of the New Year, my new age and prayerfully new experiences. I've been feeling anxious lately, not enough to be concerned, but enough to be thankful for my temporary therapist and how I am able to discuss my feelings at the moment. While focusing on my health and fitness journey I'm  happy to say that I've shed a few pounds, which has encouraged me to continue on the current path I find myself on. With the New Moon approaching again it just feels right, the energy I find myself feeling or should I say the vibration I find myself in and frequency I am experiencing. I feel as if being grounded is the safest place for me right now, staying close to home and adjusting some expectations. One word that pops in my head has been realistic; as Mercury is retrograde and a plethora of planets are currently in the sign of Aquarius, it feels like a good a time as any to begin reflecting. 

I bought a journal, unlike any other I've purchased before; it happened to be a journal of writing prompts. As I skimmed the journal I realized I'd wasted my money; the prompts are not really "my cup of tea", but I did come across one that made me think a bit differently than when I began writing. The prompt says: "you're going in search of yourself. where do you start?", the first thought that comes to mind is meditation. Lately, I haven't quite felt like myself; I feel as if the stay at home order may have taken a toll on me that somewhat blindsided me. Unable to get drinks with a friend or dine out, go to concerts and other fun activities for an extended period of time will have you out of character, if you allow it too; especially with so much going on in the world and cosmos. After dealing with some health issues I am glad that I am in good spirits and can say that things are much better and I am much stronger and grateful after having the experience. I am somewhat in search of myself, in search of what I'd like to share with you all and what should go into this writing prompt journal. I feel inspired, which says a lot seeing how I am without a muse and have cut back on the usual cocktail that I call my writing process. I think I am at a space of releasing thoughts, habits and patterns which are no longer for my highest good. Mercury retrograde plus the phase of the Moon seems to support this train of thought. I feel lucky, and since I continue to see the number 7 or 777; I think that's safe to say.

From meditation to prayer and tarot, it may seem as if I have become obsessed with tarot; but I think it's more of a fascination. Especially as the cards are read and details a specific situation I find myself in or answering a question I've only asked in prayer. I don't feel as lost as I used to, where I was always searching for myself and looking in places that meant me no good. I believe I did that not too long ago, I found myself regressing into some old habits and allowing things that the person I am today knows better than doing so. So I have to ask myself why I allowed myself to behave that way and how can I recognize it soon to avoid some of the thoughts I've had the past month (or so). I am confortable in this current placement of the Sun, Moon and Stars; as if "everything is always working out for me" which has become a motto I repeat to myself often. When researching Angel Numbers one thing that stuck out to me more than anything was the suggestion of spending more time with God in meditation. I have my sacred time, which I will admit to sleeping though more times than I should; yet as cliché as it sounds I do believe that God knows our hearts and thoughts. Meaning God knows and understands our thoughts and intentions. Not making excuses, however I intend to improve my habits while creating new ones. When I began this post I thought I'd sum it all up in one night, however as this edible has finally kicked in I must call it a night and continue at a later time. 

I participated in a cleanse for Valentine's Day regarding love languages, healing as well as bringing in amazing friendships and relationships into our lives. Last night I had some odd dreams, involving a secret I've been keeping for an ex-friend that's been weighing heavily on me; I asked the mystic about having odd dreams and she said that it was "old baggage and emotional ties moving out!" As I sit here I am hoping that is the case because there is no way that I would reveal the secret even though she and I aren't friends any longer. In addition I dreamt of a friend that I ghosted for no apparent reason, so I reached out and it was received kindly which felt great. As far as other relationships, I felt myself detaching from something I was involved in that really wasn't a good situation for me. Even my tarot reader told me it would end badly; although I feel as if the person ghosted me I refuse to say anything so we both are in silence with me secretly wishing to never speak to this person again. My tarot reader said the person and I are much better as friends than we could be as lovers and I find it difficult to believe since a friend shouldn't ghost you. While typing that I feel like a hypocrite seeing how I just admitted to doing the same thing, however the difference between the two occurrences is with the friend I'm speaking of, we were never intimate so although there was a time when we didn't speak the emotions involved were hardly similar. With this cleanse I am believing in healing the rest of whatever it is that's been bothering me as I've stated in previous writings. I feel the pieces of my heart returning to me; I feel as if reaching out to the person who I felt broke my heart and getting an acceptable response was something I needed to add to my healing process.

I think with the one person I am over wanting closure and accept the opening to catching up at a later time. With the ghost, I feel as if I was understanding in the beginning, but as time passes I can not think of an acceptable excuse or "reason" for the disappearance; based on words spoken to me which were unwarranted. I think that's what hurt the most, the fact that the words spoken were unnecessary. So the disappearance felt as if I was blindsided and the false hope giving burst a bubble or perhaps knocked them off the pedestal I may have put them on. I recently read a meme which said "we think we want sex. it's not always about sex. it's intimacy we want. To be touched, looked at, admired, smiled at, to laugh with someone; feel safe. Feel like someone's really got you. That's what we crave." and I could relate on a deeper level than I've felt in a long time, especially during a pandemic when the touch of another human is unavailable most of the time. I long for a hug like never before, something so simple yet due to the threat of illness which is believed possibly deadly we forsake being close to one another in hopes of "not spreading the virus". In the past I would've felt silly or stupid for sharing that with you all, but today I feel liberated. I feel as if some of you may be able to relate to that statement, well, those of you who are unattached like myself. I am hoping that the detachment does not result in that person reappearing when I am no longer available; which has happened in the past and I will admit to being vulnerable to said person and giving in after doing the work to overcome. 

I'm looking forward to Mercury going direct at the end of this week along with the Full Moon next week. I feel as if I am purging, letting go of things and people I've been holding onto out of security; feeling as if they connect me to my former life when the truth is, that person that I was is no longer. I've gone though so many phases of being since they were staples in my life and at one point I felt like I didn't know who I was without them in my daily life. Knowing people for so long can have that affect on you, I think. Nevertheless, I am ready to move forward and welcome new amazing friendships and relationships into my life, one's that won't claim to be with you only to leave you hanging for no apparent reason. As I reflect on my ghosting ways of the past I made a promise to myself that I would no longer engage in such behavior. If I find it necessary to cut ties with a person I will be woman enough to tell them beforehand. I don't think it's because it happened to me recently, I think it's just apart of aspects of Mercury Retrograde, growth and cleansing that's made me do some introspection and change some of my ways which weren't for my highest good. I feel lighter, freer, more alive even. I think this journey I find myself on was a long time coming and once I actually surrendered to it things got easier for lack of a better word. I wish everyone I mentioned well in their journeys; I'm just learning that not everyone is meant to stay forever and that's okay. Funny thing is at points of my life I thought I could never live without them then I found myself living without them. Which tells me I can do it again...