Distractions

"all art is a form of poetry"

Rick Rubin 

After reviewing some of the drafts on the other blog I realize why I reverted them to drafts in the first place. It seems that's the place I used to write out my feelings towards my emotions, many were so personal I nearly cringed at the fact people read those expressions. Then I think of the posts I've allowed to remain and I can see my growth, learning how much to share and where I should keep certain observations to myself. I think there's an art in growth and the journey is the poetry. I am learning to take each day as they come by doing that I am becoming more in tuned with my higher self. I feel her guide and advise me; even manifesting better outcomes as I make decisions. I've learned to trust myself fully and that's a huge accomplishment, I think that's when I realized that for the first time in a long time I have few distractions hindering me from obtaining the goals I've set for myself. I think by being consistent with my lifestyle changes I will begin healing with ease, not expecting everything to happen overnight, but I desire to see changes by a reasonable time. I've learned over the years that placing unrealistic deadlines on myself proved to be counterproductive and resulted in failure. I'm in a space now where I have no desire to set myself up for failure, I suppose that's the self-love I've been working on. 

 "Love and poetry has a strange familiarity. Both cannot be forced. Both happen naturally, Both artistic and eternal."- unknown

I began this post months ago however the words escaped me to continue and like the quote above suggests, you can't force it. I suppose the energy of the Full Moon has taken affect on me as it seems the words have returned. I was feeling a bit discouraged about a few personal matters, but after a few conversations with a friend and many blunts I've reconciled my thoughts and my spirits lifted. It's interesting how things can have such a profound effect on us and our moods. I was disappointed that my mood suffered tremendously, it was very noticeable to those around me. Lately, I've been thinking of what I desire or should I say what makes me feel alive; I have yet to come up with anything. I've been thinking of finding a new hobby, something else I can be passionate about and I come up blank. I feel as if this passion and desire should come from within rather than involving another person, which in the past I thought I needed to accomplish those feelings. For the past few nights I spent them under the Moon, feeling as if I were absorbing all of it's manifestation principles. I felt awakened and alert, like a teenager mesmerized by the Moon for the first time. 

As the Moon has gone through many phases since beginning this post, I was excited for the eclipse as well as the "The Great Conjunction" believed to occur December 21, 2020. Learning about this aspect of astrology/astronomy has been fascinating especially after doing a few tarot readings for myself. I feel anxious dealing with so many changes since the beginning of this post. I realize while doing some inner child work years ago that there are particular triggers which I am now facing and I want to get past them in the healthiest ways imaginable. I was on a path that I felt safe and almost secure when the rug was pulled from under me and I'm feeling abandoned; which is why I think I took the ghosting as hard as I did. Abandonment issues are heavy and processing through them is tough when you're doing it alone. The good thing is this time I don't have to go at it alone; I can talk it through with my therapist and tarot reader to get to the source of these issues and work to make my inner child feel safe again.

I think there is a poetry of life while some are wonderful others may be a bit tragic, but who's to say life is only supposed to be wonderful all of the time? Through tragedy I have learned so much about myself and my strength and determination. I spoke with a friend the other day and mentioned how my life is in a bit of a rut however I don't wish to deal with drama, I'd just like things to look forward to. At times I feel cursed, as if every time things are going well for me something or someone comes along and shake things up resulting in stress, anxiety or depression for me. I've done enough energy clearings to know that's not the case, but I am unsure why my "luck" seems to be less than desirable. Im in a space where I have no one to lean on but God, I've been in this space before and I will admit it can be extremely frustrating. Leaning solely on faith and trusting God can be anxiety provoking because you don't know God's timing for things and it feels painful when the wait is longer than you'd care for it to be. I guess that goes into the trusting and having faith in the unknown, not knowing how a situation is going to pan out or how and when circumstances will change for the better. Believing everything will work out for the good is a lot to take on when things in your life seem bleak. 

I feel as if they are all distractions; as I made commitments to myself concerning my health goals along with business goals I find myself thrown off by an emergency... one which blindsided me, which is the worst. Yet I have to believe that "things are always working out for me"; because the last thing I need is doubt and disbelief. I feel as if so many of us are going through things so far out of our control that we may be feeling a build up of emotions and hopefully we find the right, positive outlets to allow those feelings and emotions to surface without the outcome of mania or the like. In times like those I have to focus on what I'm grateful for and that helps me to take a deep breath and realize what I can control and what is for me to trust God about. That's the thing with control, we sike ourselves up to believe we have more control over things than we actually do. I'm learning to let go of the idea of control, nothing is in my control; I can just pray, meditate and believe that God and the Universe has my best interests at heart and that things will work out for my highest good.