truthfully

For some reason I felt like typing, this rarely happens and since that's the case I don't know what I intend to share. I was a bit social earlier today so now I need a moment with the usual suspects: music, vanilla incense, marijuana and tonight, vodka (with cranberry and a splash of lemon). I feel good; mellow and a bit in my head, thanks to animal mints I've been smoking it exclusively for about a week or two now and I am enjoying the effects, which are said to be relaxation and happiness; that feels accurate. I am beginning to feel sleepy so I'm going to call it a night and continue at a later time.

I feel a bit irritated by a particular situation and I don't know how I'm going to resolve it. The idea of closure is so far fetched and the chances of being lied to are high, I've decided not to inquire; but I'm annoyed. I feel as if things were exaggerated with out reason. I don't like feeling this way and I don't quite see a way out of it just yet. I believe the retrogrades and Full Moon in Aquarius is playing a part in the way I feel and all I can do is allow it to be felt and released. I am otherwise happy, it's just this one thing I keep obsessing about and the more I try to push it out of my mind the more I think about it.

I feel disappointed, I suppose that speaks to the expectations I had then having the rug pulled from under me; so to speak. The thing about it is, I know it's for my highest good that things worked out how they did; it's just the way it played out was hurtful. I don't know what part of me still wants to connect or hold on to this energy; perhaps an unhealed wound that is seeking my attention. As I look deeper into my last statement, I believe I've "hit the nail on the head"; I feel as if my issues with abandonment have been triggered and I do not have the appropriate therapist to dissect such a heavy block for me. I know some of the aspects of this issue however I don't know what part of my adult self is blocking my inner child from releasing this burden. I think I may need to schedule a session with my tarot advisor to see what the cards say as he interprets them. I have not been able to tackle this topic on my own, so I feel as if someone else's input may be helpful.  I thought of changing the vibe with the music, but my higher self made me aware that I can't keep pushing this issues down and out of mind. I must face whatever it is that is stifling my growth in this area.

Growth is a funny thing; once you believe you have outgrown a situation or circumstance it appears to show you areas in need of healing. I think the above mentioned situation reminded me of a deep regret that I am coming to terms with. I said "I think" when the truth is, I know that's the case. I was reminiscing on how one relationship effected the outcome of a completely separate one, as one should have flourished the other should be as it is. Yet, I can't sit here and "would've, could've, should've" myself to a low vibrational feeling or thought process. I find it difficult at times to overcome from situations that "shake me to my core"; I know on some level I wasn't fully my authentic self, at times I found myself being a bit too fond of the attention. Feeding an insecurity I have that stems from abandonment issues, I knew when I was doing it, I just couldn't stop for some odd reason. I think writing this out has helped tremendously; especially after I was feeling earlier today. On another note, I'm excited about my painting adventure scheduled for tomorrow; I think I need the creative outlet to dissipate some of this energy I have.

I read a meme earlier today which asked, "red pill or blue pill?" where with the red pill you "restart your life at the age of 10 with all the knowledge you have now" and the blue pill you "jump to age 45 years old with $50 million in the bank." I chose the red pill, although the money in the bank would be lovely; I'd rather go back in time and right some "wrongs" as well as seize some missed opportunities. That may seem dumb to some people, but the idea of reliving this life the way I've imagined it in my dreams would be heaven sent, for me. I joke with myself saying that way I can guide my inner child to avoid the pitfalls I was blindsided by growing up. I feel as if I have a slight case of amnesia, because I don't fully remember my childhood; I recall bits and pieces, but nothing that stands out more than anything. I know part of the matter with the dilemma discussed earlier and my answer to the question in the meme is all about me "living in the past" and I need to stop and be in the now. I suddenly feel the presence of Chiron; the wounded healer and I'm guessing since it is in retrograde that's why all this stuff is coming up.

I allowed Pandora to set the vibe rather than fight against the songs being played and of course the Universe is using it to purge my true feelings and emotions. I stopped to complete a tarot spread regarding the Full Moon in Aquarius and to say some things I thought were the case have been confirmed. I've changed the station several times however the messages are still coming though for me, must be the frequency. I feel like smoking, this time back to one of my favorites; golden ticket which always does what I need it to do, which is add clarity and assist with keeping me focused. Healing is thought to be a beautiful experience, but it is actually very deep and at times dark; sorting though thoughts, feelings, emotions, trauma, etc. can drive a person crazy if not done in the proper channel. I used to believe I was damaged emotionally, when my first love died; I felt as if a part of me died too. It took many years and lots of healing to overcome those feelings and thoughts, it even cost me a relationship I felt could have gone the distance. I haven't been in love many times, the thought now is so foreign to me I almost forget what it was like. I have however been infatuated more than a few times. 

This writing session has been quite therapeutic, and for a second I got a little off track. I think instead of focusing on the hurtfulness of the situation I can take the lessons learned and develop wisdom and discernment to avoid such happenings in the future. As I await dinner I allow the music to wash over me, taking me to another realm; where I've healed from what was bothering me before. I figure if I can stay in this feeling I can move forward without allowing things to hinder me or keep me unaware of this blindspot with abandonment. Eventually I'll talk to someone other than friends and my tarot advisor, but for now that's my best avenue of support. I suppose I had to feel a type of way in order for these things to come out and be cleared...