on my mind

I began this expression several times, deleting the words written for various reasons. Yesterday I was awakened at 2:22 a.m., rather than returning to my dreams I decided to "stay up and write", it was 5:00 a.m. before there were finally words on the screen. Then I thought to research the angel number 222, which spoke of balance, harmony, manifestation and other things that have been on my mind in recent days, months I should say. Since returning to college I have been more mindful of my writing and my voice, wanting to express the creative aspect of myself and enjoying the feeling of writing what's in my heart or on my mind without a deadline or grade attached. A week or two ago I discovered purple runtz, to my surprise I enjoy it, which is what I had the morning during the time between wanting to write and actually writing. Although it is described to have arousing properties, I chose to harness that energy and transmute it into creativity for the purpose of writing something. 

For the past few years I have had dreams of winning the lottery and what I'd do or how my daily life would change. The main objective for this desire isn't to be wealthy; although that is a huge bonus, for me it's more about the financial freedom and such. It wasn't until recently I began to put forth an effort to win, for years I'd tell myself "you can't win if you don't play" yet reluctant to buy the ticket. I don't know why or when that changed for me, but I am glad the change was made. The significance of angel numbers has increased since my initial knowledge of them, I see certain numbers quite often; not overwhelmingly so. Oftentimes I see numbers associated with luck and abundance, which has aided in my willingness to play and having some success. I feel as if I have a lot of time to fantasize, which I embrace most of the time, other times I find myself bored. Which is something I should revisit, because as a friend said recently "you act like you don't have a whole book to write"; those times of boredom should be spent writing said book however, I don't want to feel forced. That's the thing about me, when writing it has to feel organic and inspired; I don't want to feel like writing is a job where I'm forcing the thoughts onto the page. 

A few days ago I found myself annoyed and impatient regarding the course I'm taking for Summer semester, I currently have ten assignments waiting to be graded and I feel it's quite unprofessional of my professor to take so long to grade them. Overall, I think the professor is a good one aside from a couple annoyances; such as the time it takes to receive grades on assignments. My counselor suggested I not take the second course I had in mind, because Summer semester is accelerated and I may become overwhelmed. The reason I chose to listen was because I am obsessed with grades, gpa's and the like; so the idea that I'd become overwhelmed and not do my best was not worth it. So here I am, in one course, bored and impatiently waiting for each new assignment to be posted. So far I have a B+ which should be an A if said assignments were graded, but I have no choice but to wait until that happens. Aside from college my days have been pretty full while remembering to schedule time for self-care. Although this Summer hasn't had a lot of "fun", I am enjoying it nonetheless.

Speaking of self-care, my body is telling me to take a nap and I am choosing to listen; hopefully when I awake I'll have the words to complete this expression... 

Feeling rested and a bit high the effects of the purple runtz has begun to run its course, feelings of euphoria fill my being while the headache I had is beginning to disappear. My favorite Pink Floyd song plays and I am in a trancelike state, embodying the feelings I'd anticipate when winning the lottery, awaiting my assignments for this week as well as my lover's return. Finally finding information about the strain,  oasis mentioned in the expression, purpose and pressure. I just smoked a preroll and noticed what I had written, my brain connected the two and I had the thought I'd find information about it. I also have a yearning to speak with my tarot advisor and to do a tarot reading for myself, I haven't planned out the coming week so I don't know the best day and time to do so as of yet; the thing about the yearning is I don't know what is in my heart to know. 

I had the thought to brainstorm in a private journal and see what's in my heart requiring clarity, I may do that while I await the weeks assignments. Anxiety is on the horizon as I anticipate what the week has in store along with my intentions for it, Goapele's "Closer" comes on and the lyrics are inspiring in this moment. Especially as she speaks about being closer to her dreams and seeing them in her sleep; which I spoke of experiencing earlier in this expression. I love the synchronicity of the music, angel numbers, astrology, etc., I am seeing these days. I feel aligned with myself while noticing areas in need of my attention. Funny another word for synchronicity would be harmony, another thing as I've mentioned is coming up more often.  

As it seems we are in a depression I am conflicted when I have feelings of happiness knowing what's happening in the Supreme Court with all their unfair rulings, the housing crisis, the continuation of racism and discrimination, inflation, etc., When I keep my mind on the bubble which is my life I am content until I peek out of said bubble and realize the country is in shambles, although some are benefiting from the chaos. The unfairness of life (for many) is maddening! I pray for change, the kind that is long lasting; as the actors and writers strike I feel if done correctly that is possibly a start in the right direction and other industries may follow suit. Where is the voice of our citizen's who like me, are ready for the government to get their foot off of our necks? I pray for a better society, one where racism, discrimination and other unfair practices cease to exist. I don't know if that is idealistic, but something has got to change in our favor!

I know I'm a bit all over the place, I know I don't usually speak on politics or social issues, but today that is a part of what's on my mind and I find myself overwhelmed with the feeling of helplessness. Going back into my dreams and feelings of happiness in an attempt to prevent depression within myself. Still awaiting grades and avoiding boredom I am at a loss for words, not quite writer's block, but something like it after I've gotten this far. I took a break from writing and had a fun time at the park, smoking and playing cards. Still waiting for these assignments and grades, I'm going to be patient and give it until tomorrow afternoon to see what's what. 

The afternoon has come and gone, it's almost tomorrow and still no grades, feedback or new assignments for my course. I would be frustrated, but it gives me time to work on other projects and write this expression. Currently awaiting food I feel a bit restless yet overwhelmed. In need of another outlet for my creativity; which may be the root cause of the restlessness. I've decided to take a break from my work; I figure I'll wait for my food to arrive, complete this expression, eat, smoke then get back to it. On the verge of becoming hangry I attempt to check-in with myself as to why I am feeling so emotional, the answer soon comes and I don't know how to combat it in this moment. I believe the social problems expressed earlier, being hungry and not winning the Powerball are all swirling around in my head and as I must wait for the delivery, I again feel helpless.

As I prepare to get back to work I feel better for having gotten those thoughts off my mind.

Until next time.