more than a dream

These diamond infused pre-rolls make me feel light and airy, I still haven't smoked a cigarette since surgery last week. For now reefer has been enough to keep me in the desired state of being. I have not had much fun in quite some time and it's beginning to take its toll. I'm deciding with a friend about a "puff & paint" class next weekend and if we're both available to attend. The paintings aren't of anything I'm totally into painting, but the activity of it all would be where the enjoyment is; at least I hope that is the case. A night out with a friend, painting and smoking with maybe a nice sized edible? That sounds like a good night! Hopefully I can find more of these Jefferey's -cereal milk strain I've been talking about recently, they are infused with flower, keif, terpenes, etc. The combination of the strain with the various properties of the plant can be overwhelming in the sense of how relaxing and comfortable I feel once I partake.

I have plans to visit the beach soon and I am looking forward to it, there's been a lot of space between now and the last time I was there; so much so that I don't recall how long it's been. With the approaching Super New Moon I can feel the energy manifesting desires and intentions as a Super Moon is believed to be very powerful. The thought of my desires manifesting has my mind attempting to understand this new journey concerning my health which I believe has allowed me to adapt a mindset of having more compassion as well as realizing quickly how I'd like to spend my time and how valuable time really is. Although I've mostly kept a positive disposition in regard to my newfound challenge, the morbid humor comes to mind on occasion remembering none of us are aware of our last moments therefore I should be more mindful of how I am spending my moments.

Which allowed me to be open minded about rekindling a couple "friendships", feeling as if in the past I may have chosen not to reach out in one case and in the other choosing not to respond. In the one I chose to respond I was able to recognize something within myself I would like to improve, which is doing things out of sheer boredom. Initially when I saw the message my thought was to delete then I thought it over for a night and decided to reply which only left me disappointed. I have decided not to allow boredom to dictate my behavior, especially in instances which have proven in the past to be undesirable in the long run. After our exchange I have yet to hear anything from said individual, which is a delight. The other individual, contact was initiated by me; I learned of "good" news and decided to send a congratulatory message which was well received. One thing I've missed about this acquaintance was the ability to contact them at random, finding things to talk about or engage with.

Since opening the line of communication I have found myself bored less often which says a lot based upon the restrictions post surgery and being homebound much more than usual. I have an urge to smoke, but I have not purchased any cigarettes and the plan is to get to my appointment this week as I've shared before. That would mark two (2) weeks of not smoking a cigarette which seemed like a massive feat prior to surgery. I can honestly say I tried my best to stop smoking after I mentioned it on the blog, but I did not see myself not smoking until I awakened from the anesthesia. As the day went on and there were no thoughts of smoking I decided to "see" when the urge would hit me and it didn't for days. Now when the urge hits me I just think of the fact that I haven't smoked one in however many days and the sense of pride comes to me which perhaps signals a "hit" of dopamine replacing the need for a cigarette? 

The thought to have a snack instead of a cigarette takes over and the selection of toasted coconut breakfast biscuits are the perfect treat paired with dried cranberries, roasted almonds and cheese. I will admit, more pleasurable for my mouth than a cigarette by far. Now that the music is playing I am getting a better sense of my thoughts and what I'd like to share. I mentioned earlier about how I'd like to spend my moments; realizing how I truly can not underestimate this cancer journey. Prior to this I would question myself all the time about what I thought my purpose was or being obsessed with not knowing what my purpose is, I feel it's a different quest when you have no idea what may "take you out", but when your opponent has a name, it's a lot easier to leave the distractions behind and figure out what you're here to do. At least that has been my outlook. 

Not wanting to fall victim to this diagnosis I have committed to certain things which should give me a better chance at beating it than if I didn't adhere to some advice. Not jumping at every urge I have seems to be allowing me to find discipline within myself that I've struggled with for some time now. Not truly understanding when or how it began, just knowing that it has attached itself to me and until now has dominated some of my behavior is something worth getting to the root of. That is one of the reasons I believe I smoked as much as I did, smoking with nearly every urge to do so, I don't know if that's what brought about this particular situation, but it has crossed my mind a time or two. Along with doing or saying things out of boredom, was not serving my highest good and I am glad I have the opportunity to remove that behavior from my being. 

Somehow I feel my younger self rejoicing from within, I am not sure of the age; perhaps it's the age I realized I'd developed abandonment issues as a child. I won't go into detail with my theories, but I will admit how they seemed to present themselves as mentioned above. Although I no longer reach out as much as I have in the past I have begun to give more thought into the messages I am sending and whether or not I am sending said message for a particular response. Not only was that anxiety provoking it resulted in many urges to smoke and usually that was cigarettes. I've also decided not to obsess so much about my purpose, with the time and attention it takes to manage mental as well as physical illnesses I believe doing that well will require so much of my energy that whatever my purpose is would have to be revealed that way. 

In all honesty, realizing the things I just said about my purpose lifted a huge weight I did not realize I was carrying. Although I did not plan to reveal this aspect of my journey as soon as I did, it was always my intention to share this journey, especially with those of you who have been around since the other blog. I feel as if we've grown so much together that had I kept posting such cryptic expressions it would have been obvious that something major was going on. Nevertheless, I am happy to have unveiled my secret so to speak because it was a lot keeping it from you all for those months. 

A day has passed and I enjoyed the beach, the sunset and some quality time with my thoughts. I even came across a strain named "Daydream" unfortunately however, I have not found any information about it. I am attempting to gather the feelings and emotions I am currently having yet the thought of being in a day dream engulfs my brain. I feel as if I am having a moment of enlightenment, seeing a version of myself I've only seen for a brief time in 2012- 2013. That was the time when I first took a leave from work and accepted my mental illnesses, on the bright side however, I had "lost" approximately sixty (60) pounds and was at my goal weight. I looked and felt great, the best I've ever felt and have been striving to return to that state of being. I see myself shedding the pounds slowing getting to a new goal weight. 

I believe if I put aside the lazy ways that I have and begin exercising and juicing regularly I can obtain that goal faster than what I have allotted to do so. Since surgery I've walked a total of three (3) miles, now that I'm approaching the third (3rd) week I have found a new way to view the fitness; rather than feeling as if I can not walk alone, I am determined to prove to myself that I am committed to my fitness and overall health journey. Realizing that walking until I can hike and run are the first steps to obtaining the figure I am looking forward to having. As a title finally popped in my mind I am fixated on the dreams I have for myself and the time I have to accomplish them. I don't mean all of my dreams, because some of those are more like fantasies or wishful thinking; I mean the dreams that can be accomplished if I get out of my way and take the necessary actions to see them become a reality. 

Acknowledging it's going to take more than dreams to make these goals manifest into my reality. I have to actually put in some work to make sure the small goals lead to the bigger ones until I see the version of myself that I desire to become. In addition to the superficial goals I feel as if I need to make some meaningful goals as well, I'll ponder on that and perhaps share at a later time. The thought to read Queen Afua's book and journal comes to mind, funny because I looked at them the other day and told myself I was not ready; in this moment I no longer find that to be true. Since the journal is for eighty-four (84) days I think I may begin on February 1st and continue for the necessary time to see what results come from it. I feel a sense of accountability every time I share these types of things with you, because I've written my intentions in a public forum for the Universe to take notice of. So it only leaves the rest of the work to me, doing the daily tasks necessary to get the goal achieved.

After checking the weather for the week and scheduling errands and appointments, I will put in various days and times to exercise provided my doctor clears me for more than just walking. Aside from that I will stay hydrated and work on eating better meals until I can research the best juicer for me. I can see my skin detoxing from the cigarettes and I will admit I feel some type of way, the silver lining is knowing that it's temporary; which gives me a sense of delight in the fact that once the toxins are flushed from my body the regenerated, healthy skin will shine forth. Which gives me a sense of excitement, it's been a long while since I was completely happy with the reflection looking back at me. Based on poor choices from dietary to the obvious, smoking cigarettes my body is not the way I envision it, but that is changing with each new decision I am making to be a better me.

I believe I've shared quite a bit today, so until next time... be well. 

blame the reefer

I don't often feel as if I rush expressions, but the one I published yesterday "100" feels rushed after I re-read it.  I will admit, my concentration was scattered and I probably should've taken a moment to refresh my thoughts, feelings and emotions before I attempted to update you all without really saying much. I blame the reefer, cereal milk (infused with diamonds) which can have that effect on me at times. The lightheartedness that comes when I smoke this strain can have me overlook some things or not be as thorough as I like to be. Feeling as if I am keeping things from you all makes me not want to share yet when I smoke strains such as cereal milk I am compelled to write, which means sharing. So here goes...

In November [2023] I was diagnosed with breast cancer, the surgery I had on Tuesday was to remove the lump I found in my breast in October. I wasn't sure I'd share that until my post surgery appointment with my oncologist to learn the status and next steps along this newfound journey in regard to my health. When my friend passed last August many of you may know that I took a serious assessment of my health and decided to make some improvements. Which lead to a detox which lead to me finally taking notice of the pain in my right breast that had been bothering me for months. Well, it took until October to fully get my attention, but I am grateful that it did; forcing me to discuss what was happening with my primary physician. Test were done and the diagnosis was what it was, and now you're all caught up.

I used to envision my journey as a series of forks in the road with my soul guiding me in each decision. Now the idea of being dealt a hand and playing it as best as I can, but in this case I feel as if I don't know the game. It seems as if every time I organize the hand I've been dealt the rules change or I don't know the name of the game. That's what it felt like with this diagnosis, like a wild card fell out of the deck and I had to readjust. With no time to form a game plan I realized I had to be "strong" so I would not fall apart before the fight even began.  Prior to this diagnosis I was thinking a lot about manifesting a lifestyle apart from the "hard knock life" which has had me in a chokehold for far longer than I wish to admit. Then this... As cliche as it sounds I am reminded of a saying about "God giving his hardest battles to 'His' strongest soldiers" which is at times the only thing giving me peace during this time.

But I can also admit I am tired of "being strong" since the pain and diagnosis I have not had much time to really feel my feelings. I've had to process information and make decisions with little time for strategizing a long term plan. Which is why I believe I became paranoid concerning death and the possibility of not making it out of surgery. The extent in which the doctors were aggressive with making appointments, collecting data and urging me to stop smoking [a goal I'd made long before finding the lump]. Interestingly enough the day of my surgery I had few thoughts (if any) of smoking once I awakened and I have not had a cigarette since the day before. My goal for now is to make it to my two (2) week appointment with being able to tell my oncologist that I have not smoked a cigarette since. I was concerned that smoking reefer would give me an urge to smoke a cigarette as I would have done in the past out of habit. 

Speaking of habits, since it takes twenty-one (21) days to form a habit I figure I'd count the days and update my calendar with my goal of not smoking cigarettes. Funny, the day turns out to be a day that I have errands with my Aunt who is a non-smoker so I wouldn't have smoked that day anyway, which makes me think I can last until then. Since I shared the diagnosis with some loved ones I've noticed the different responses as well as some unexpected support from others who were on a need to know basis. Even after the lump has been removed and I am unsure when treatment will begin some don't quite check on me as much as I would like, while others are extremely attentive checking on me frequently. I am doing my best not to take things personally as people handle such things in their own ways and who's to say which way is right or "wrong"?  

I believe that's an area in which I have shown myself growth, as the brat of yesteryear would have sent texts stating how I felt neglected or thrown some sort of tantrum for not being the center of everyone's world during my time of "need". Dealing with matters myself took its toll however, I am proud to say my mental health maintained without the need for hospitalization. That's always the measure of stability, not allowing things to escalate to that level of help being necessary. Anyway, the music is nice, the joints were awesome and I feel relaxed; perhaps because I got that off my chest so to speak. As time goes on I know I have this space to share my thoughts, feelings, emotions as well as hopes and maybe even some dreams.  Feeling free to share everything is liberating. I suppose that was the feeling I was unfamiliar with yesterday; the liberation of this particular journey and my new age. 

100

Thank you all for the many prayers and birthday messages, as you may be aware I survived surgery!  Expressing my concerns while attempting to hide somethings going on with me, I was happy to get a bit of it off my chest in the last expression "close to a milestone". As I embrace my new age I must take some time to be completely transparent with myself before sharing on such a public outlet. Which brings me to another thing worth acknowledging, Thank you to all of you who find the time to engage with the blogs. As many new locations appear in the stats, I am at times surprised and curious to know how particular countries found my words. Also hopeful, that something I've shared has been meaningful in some way. In this moment I am filled with gratitude and an awareness of myself that is unfamiliar; perhaps it came with the new age. 

In my plans to stop smoking for the past few months, I am happy to admit that I have not smoked a cigarette since the day before surgery; which is about a week now. While completing coursework, meditating and caring for myself as I heal I found myself frustrated and wanting to smoke. Not necessarily a cigarette, but the urge to smoke would not shake from me so I ordered some diamond infused joints. The frustration left me and now I feel as high as I want to be and in the mood to listen to music and write to you all in an update of sorts. I believe I have decided to possibly disclose matters at hand once I complete two (2) weeks post surgery. I still need time and thought into how I feel about things along with what I understand things to be since having it and how much I want to share with you all. I don't have much to share in this expression, I just wanted to touch basis with you and let you know I am okay...

close to a milestone

The blog is nearly at 100 posts which makes me a bit reflective causing me to re-read a post from 2020 on the other blog interestingly enough titled "untitled". I say interestingly enough because many of the things I spoke of in that expression are things on my mind recently. I've been debating on sharing some things with you all that was hinted within the last expression on this blog titled "how high do you want to get?", I figure I'll allow my fingers to do the talking and see what my heart wants to share.  

I don't know how to share the whole story of it all, but I will say I have a surgery scheduled soon; feeling a bit scared I thought perhaps if I stopped hiding it from you all some of the fear would decrease. I ask for your prayers and well wishes as I get through this difficult time. Once it's all said and done I believe it's a story to be told in a chapter of the book. I will admit I have begun writing it, which brought about many thoughts of what the point of it is; like, what is the whole story? 

I believe I will have a clearer picture once this chapter comes to pass and I can tell the story in retrospect rather than as it is happening. As I took a break to run to the store and get gas I realized why I smoke so many Mango Kush pre-rolls; it's because they are only .5 grams. Not a lot even with a moderately high thc percentage of nearly 27%, although I am beginning to have a higher tolerance I'm finding that the infused joints get the job done a little better than the "plain" ones. 

Once I recognized the number of expressions I've contributed to this blog I couldn't help but to notice I've been blogging on here for nearly 10 years! (another milestone). Seemingly last year was a great year for the blog with lots of views from all over the world, which reminds me of this being the first expression of 2024, therefore I would like to take a moment and wish you all a very Happy New Year! I hope your celebration and the first week of the year has been full of love and joy. As I mention before I have been a bit scared and anxious since mid-December when I learned of this surgery.

Nonetheless, I pray for many more expressions to come, my next thought was to end the expression then I thought that would be the easy way out after sharing such news with you. I am not quite ready to dive deeply into my feelings and emotions at the moment yet I will say I can find happiness in the awareness that I have this outlet and you all to share with as it does ease my mind a little.Thoughts of lighting another joint comes to mind as I await my (late) dinner. Music and the aroma of White Widow x Strawberry Fields infused pre-roll lingers along with the Mango Kush and I am in a trance of a feeling I am not familiar with. 

I figure acknowledging the various milestones which are approaching gives me a sense of accomplishment of sorts. Another sense of accomplishment comes from the idea I'll be a step closer to my degree as I complete the 2024-2025 school year. Seeing how I began in 2022 out of boredom and now I am entertaining the thought of obtaining a degree and writing that book I've spoken of several times over the years makes me feel as if I am walking into my purpose. Another concept I think of often, but the weed has "kicked in", I'm hungry and dinner is ready...

Until next time.