more than a dream

These diamond infused pre-rolls make me feel light and airy, I still haven't smoked a cigarette since surgery last week. For now reefer has been enough to keep me in the desired state of being. I have not had much fun in quite some time and it's beginning to take its toll. I'm deciding with a friend about a "puff & paint" class next weekend and if we're both available to attend. The paintings aren't of anything I'm totally into painting, but the activity of it all would be where the enjoyment is; at least I hope that is the case. A night out with a friend, painting and smoking with maybe a nice sized edible? That sounds like a good night! Hopefully I can find more of these Jefferey's -cereal milk strain I've been talking about recently, they are infused with flower, keif, terpenes, etc. The combination of the strain with the various properties of the plant can be overwhelming in the sense of how relaxing and comfortable I feel once I partake.

I have plans to visit the beach soon and I am looking forward to it, there's been a lot of space between now and the last time I was there; so much so that I don't recall how long it's been. With the approaching Super New Moon I can feel the energy manifesting desires and intentions as a Super Moon is believed to be very powerful. The thought of my desires manifesting has my mind attempting to understand this new journey concerning my health which I believe has allowed me to adapt a mindset of having more compassion as well as realizing quickly how I'd like to spend my time and how valuable time really is. Although I've mostly kept a positive disposition in regard to my newfound challenge, the morbid humor comes to mind on occasion remembering none of us are aware of our last moments therefore I should be more mindful of how I am spending my moments.

Which allowed me to be open minded about rekindling a couple "friendships", feeling as if in the past I may have chosen not to reach out in one case and in the other choosing not to respond. In the one I chose to respond I was able to recognize something within myself I would like to improve, which is doing things out of sheer boredom. Initially when I saw the message my thought was to delete then I thought it over for a night and decided to reply which only left me disappointed. I have decided not to allow boredom to dictate my behavior, especially in instances which have proven in the past to be undesirable in the long run. After our exchange I have yet to hear anything from said individual, which is a delight. The other individual, contact was initiated by me; I learned of "good" news and decided to send a congratulatory message which was well received. One thing I've missed about this acquaintance was the ability to contact them at random, finding things to talk about or engage with.

Since opening the line of communication I have found myself bored less often which says a lot based upon the restrictions post surgery and being homebound much more than usual. I have an urge to smoke, but I have not purchased any cigarettes and the plan is to get to my appointment this week as I've shared before. That would mark two (2) weeks of not smoking a cigarette which seemed like a massive feat prior to surgery. I can honestly say I tried my best to stop smoking after I mentioned it on the blog, but I did not see myself not smoking until I awakened from the anesthesia. As the day went on and there were no thoughts of smoking I decided to "see" when the urge would hit me and it didn't for days. Now when the urge hits me I just think of the fact that I haven't smoked one in however many days and the sense of pride comes to me which perhaps signals a "hit" of dopamine replacing the need for a cigarette? 

The thought to have a snack instead of a cigarette takes over and the selection of toasted coconut breakfast biscuits are the perfect treat paired with dried cranberries, roasted almonds and cheese. I will admit, more pleasurable for my mouth than a cigarette by far. Now that the music is playing I am getting a better sense of my thoughts and what I'd like to share. I mentioned earlier about how I'd like to spend my moments; realizing how I truly can not underestimate this cancer journey. Prior to this I would question myself all the time about what I thought my purpose was or being obsessed with not knowing what my purpose is, I feel it's a different quest when you have no idea what may "take you out", but when your opponent has a name, it's a lot easier to leave the distractions behind and figure out what you're here to do. At least that has been my outlook. 

Not wanting to fall victim to this diagnosis I have committed to certain things which should give me a better chance at beating it than if I didn't adhere to some advice. Not jumping at every urge I have seems to be allowing me to find discipline within myself that I've struggled with for some time now. Not truly understanding when or how it began, just knowing that it has attached itself to me and until now has dominated some of my behavior is something worth getting to the root of. That is one of the reasons I believe I smoked as much as I did, smoking with nearly every urge to do so, I don't know if that's what brought about this particular situation, but it has crossed my mind a time or two. Along with doing or saying things out of boredom, was not serving my highest good and I am glad I have the opportunity to remove that behavior from my being. 

Somehow I feel my younger self rejoicing from within, I am not sure of the age; perhaps it's the age I realized I'd developed abandonment issues as a child. I won't go into detail with my theories, but I will admit how they seemed to present themselves as mentioned above. Although I no longer reach out as much as I have in the past I have begun to give more thought into the messages I am sending and whether or not I am sending said message for a particular response. Not only was that anxiety provoking it resulted in many urges to smoke and usually that was cigarettes. I've also decided not to obsess so much about my purpose, with the time and attention it takes to manage mental as well as physical illnesses I believe doing that well will require so much of my energy that whatever my purpose is would have to be revealed that way. 

In all honesty, realizing the things I just said about my purpose lifted a huge weight I did not realize I was carrying. Although I did not plan to reveal this aspect of my journey as soon as I did, it was always my intention to share this journey, especially with those of you who have been around since the other blog. I feel as if we've grown so much together that had I kept posting such cryptic expressions it would have been obvious that something major was going on. Nevertheless, I am happy to have unveiled my secret so to speak because it was a lot keeping it from you all for those months. 

A day has passed and I enjoyed the beach, the sunset and some quality time with my thoughts. I even came across a strain named "Daydream" unfortunately however, I have not found any information about it. I am attempting to gather the feelings and emotions I am currently having yet the thought of being in a day dream engulfs my brain. I feel as if I am having a moment of enlightenment, seeing a version of myself I've only seen for a brief time in 2012- 2013. That was the time when I first took a leave from work and accepted my mental illnesses, on the bright side however, I had "lost" approximately sixty (60) pounds and was at my goal weight. I looked and felt great, the best I've ever felt and have been striving to return to that state of being. I see myself shedding the pounds slowing getting to a new goal weight. 

I believe if I put aside the lazy ways that I have and begin exercising and juicing regularly I can obtain that goal faster than what I have allotted to do so. Since surgery I've walked a total of three (3) miles, now that I'm approaching the third (3rd) week I have found a new way to view the fitness; rather than feeling as if I can not walk alone, I am determined to prove to myself that I am committed to my fitness and overall health journey. Realizing that walking until I can hike and run are the first steps to obtaining the figure I am looking forward to having. As a title finally popped in my mind I am fixated on the dreams I have for myself and the time I have to accomplish them. I don't mean all of my dreams, because some of those are more like fantasies or wishful thinking; I mean the dreams that can be accomplished if I get out of my way and take the necessary actions to see them become a reality. 

Acknowledging it's going to take more than dreams to make these goals manifest into my reality. I have to actually put in some work to make sure the small goals lead to the bigger ones until I see the version of myself that I desire to become. In addition to the superficial goals I feel as if I need to make some meaningful goals as well, I'll ponder on that and perhaps share at a later time. The thought to read Queen Afua's book and journal comes to mind, funny because I looked at them the other day and told myself I was not ready; in this moment I no longer find that to be true. Since the journal is for eighty-four (84) days I think I may begin on February 1st and continue for the necessary time to see what results come from it. I feel a sense of accountability every time I share these types of things with you, because I've written my intentions in a public forum for the Universe to take notice of. So it only leaves the rest of the work to me, doing the daily tasks necessary to get the goal achieved.

After checking the weather for the week and scheduling errands and appointments, I will put in various days and times to exercise provided my doctor clears me for more than just walking. Aside from that I will stay hydrated and work on eating better meals until I can research the best juicer for me. I can see my skin detoxing from the cigarettes and I will admit I feel some type of way, the silver lining is knowing that it's temporary; which gives me a sense of delight in the fact that once the toxins are flushed from my body the regenerated, healthy skin will shine forth. Which gives me a sense of excitement, it's been a long while since I was completely happy with the reflection looking back at me. Based on poor choices from dietary to the obvious, smoking cigarettes my body is not the way I envision it, but that is changing with each new decision I am making to be a better me.

I believe I've shared quite a bit today, so until next time... be well.