blame the reefer

I don't often feel as if I rush expressions, but the one I published yesterday "100" feels rushed after I re-read it.  I will admit, my concentration was scattered and I probably should've taken a moment to refresh my thoughts, feelings and emotions before I attempted to update you all without really saying much. I blame the reefer, cereal milk (infused with diamonds) which can have that effect on me at times. The lightheartedness that comes when I smoke this strain can have me overlook some things or not be as thorough as I like to be. Feeling as if I am keeping things from you all makes me not want to share yet when I smoke strains such as cereal milk I am compelled to write, which means sharing. So here goes...

In November [2023] I was diagnosed with breast cancer, the surgery I had on Tuesday was to remove the lump I found in my breast in October. I wasn't sure I'd share that until my post surgery appointment with my oncologist to learn the status and next steps along this newfound journey in regard to my health. When my friend passed last August many of you may know that I took a serious assessment of my health and decided to make some improvements. Which lead to a detox which lead to me finally taking notice of the pain in my right breast that had been bothering me for months. Well, it took until October to fully get my attention, but I am grateful that it did; forcing me to discuss what was happening with my primary physician. Test were done and the diagnosis was what it was, and now you're all caught up.

I used to envision my journey as a series of forks in the road with my soul guiding me in each decision. Now the idea of being dealt a hand and playing it as best as I can, but in this case I feel as if I don't know the game. It seems as if every time I organize the hand I've been dealt the rules change or I don't know the name of the game. That's what it felt like with this diagnosis, like a wild card fell out of the deck and I had to readjust. With no time to form a game plan I realized I had to be "strong" so I would not fall apart before the fight even began.  Prior to this diagnosis I was thinking a lot about manifesting a lifestyle apart from the "hard knock life" which has had me in a chokehold for far longer than I wish to admit. Then this... As cliche as it sounds I am reminded of a saying about "God giving his hardest battles to 'His' strongest soldiers" which is at times the only thing giving me peace during this time.

But I can also admit I am tired of "being strong" since the pain and diagnosis I have not had much time to really feel my feelings. I've had to process information and make decisions with little time for strategizing a long term plan. Which is why I believe I became paranoid concerning death and the possibility of not making it out of surgery. The extent in which the doctors were aggressive with making appointments, collecting data and urging me to stop smoking [a goal I'd made long before finding the lump]. Interestingly enough the day of my surgery I had few thoughts (if any) of smoking once I awakened and I have not had a cigarette since the day before. My goal for now is to make it to my two (2) week appointment with being able to tell my oncologist that I have not smoked a cigarette since. I was concerned that smoking reefer would give me an urge to smoke a cigarette as I would have done in the past out of habit. 

Speaking of habits, since it takes twenty-one (21) days to form a habit I figure I'd count the days and update my calendar with my goal of not smoking cigarettes. Funny, the day turns out to be a day that I have errands with my Aunt who is a non-smoker so I wouldn't have smoked that day anyway, which makes me think I can last until then. Since I shared the diagnosis with some loved ones I've noticed the different responses as well as some unexpected support from others who were on a need to know basis. Even after the lump has been removed and I am unsure when treatment will begin some don't quite check on me as much as I would like, while others are extremely attentive checking on me frequently. I am doing my best not to take things personally as people handle such things in their own ways and who's to say which way is right or "wrong"?  

I believe that's an area in which I have shown myself growth, as the brat of yesteryear would have sent texts stating how I felt neglected or thrown some sort of tantrum for not being the center of everyone's world during my time of "need". Dealing with matters myself took its toll however, I am proud to say my mental health maintained without the need for hospitalization. That's always the measure of stability, not allowing things to escalate to that level of help being necessary. Anyway, the music is nice, the joints were awesome and I feel relaxed; perhaps because I got that off my chest so to speak. As time goes on I know I have this space to share my thoughts, feelings, emotions as well as hopes and maybe even some dreams.  Feeling free to share everything is liberating. I suppose that was the feeling I was unfamiliar with yesterday; the liberation of this particular journey and my new age.