you'll be alright

 "don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. unfold your own myth."

Rumi

Since disclosing my diagnosis and treatment plan I find many people have been supportive while others have been distant and few have shared their experiences or the experiences of loved ones, which are appreciated. I will be beginning chemotherapy this week and I will admit, I am scared and nervous; I don't know what to expect and although most side effects are common knowledge I am uncertain of how my being will respond to such treatments. I wish I could fast forward this year yet another part of me wants to cherish each moment and "make them count" for whatever reason. I recognize this is simply a stage along my journey, then the thought of where the journey leads comes to mind. As time passes by I am unsure of this journey I find myself on, perhaps the destination is where my spirituality leads me? I recall some time in 2013 I believe, I had a sort of awakening and to say my life has never been the same would be an understatement. I vaguely remember my life prior to the anxiety attack that lead to life as I know it, this was 2012. However, everything I've been through may have been preparing me for these moments when all I have is my faith. Seeing how only God can get me through this battle and I have to believe in what my soul is guiding me to. 

That may be the scariest part, the unknown. There are so many unknowns that come to mind on a daily basis or maybe I was too busy living life that I did not notice how much of life is unknown from minute to minute. I'm realizing how much is beyond our control and how vast God truly is. With each breath I am grateful, appreciative and at times regretful. I feel as if I am organizing my thoughts and rather than justify things I am taking accountability within myself for my life and the choices I've made thus far. Striving to be better with each day I get, recognizing how life truly is a gift and I for one am attempting to make the best of each moment I am here. This diagnosis has really put mortality into perspective for me, I recall being a teenager and young adult believing I was invincible and death was so far from me that I couldn't imagine not living. These days I think of death, I don't dwell or allow it to linger; but I think about it because of the many people who fought the battle with cancer and were unsuccessful. Then I think of the survivors and I have hope and faith that my treatment will go as imagined and I will come out of this. 

Taking a break from the book as things are unfolding concerning my current health issues, I feel as if the story is unfolding as well and it is unique to me as everything else has been; of course many may have experienced similar things the in's and out's of it all is unique to us all. My hope is that my unique journey being told helps someone along their journey. There has to be something good that comes of this life, there's a theory I find interesting; it's about soul contracts and how we all signed up for our life's experience. I find that hard to believe as the person I have become has yet to accept that I would have signed up for the life I've lived thus far. Which brings up the questions about my purpose and I am honestly too tired to go down that rabbit hole of thoughts. I find myself tired more often than before the surgery, my appetite is quite strange as well. A lot of the time I feel nauseas and if I am not feeling queasy I am hungry. I am slimming down, but in my mind not fast enough, then I think of starting chemotherapy and hoping I don't lose too much weight too fast where I look sick. During meditation I visualize myself at a healthy weight, with the appropriate fullness in my face and body. I also visualize my hair, strong and healthy.

I will admit, I am nervous as I don't know how this story will play out while I've mentioned in real time that I am going to document it; so to speak. Unfortunately, I had to withdrawal from my courses this semester as I don't know how I'll be feeling in the coming weeks and since learning the news of my treatment plan I could not concentrate or focus on my studies or assignments. I felt that was the best way to go in order to keep my GPA in good standing. With so much time on my hands these days I make sure to find time to rest and meditate on my ideal outcome; I pray that even if it doesn't go as I ideally want it to I hope for something close as this life has been quite the hard knock, as I said, I would not have signed up for in a soul contract of sorts. I feel as if I've seen more hard, tough or sad days than the opposite and I've said over the years I'd like to switch places with my alternate Universe me. Not necessarily wanting to end this life, but morph it into the one I dreamt of. I dream of the alternate Universe me as someone who "has it together", is living life and being the best version of myself there is. The catch is, that version of myself doesn't have the worries of bad health and the opposite of wealth. 

I don't know if it's more of a dream or a fantasy, great health, wealth, happiness and success. The idea that it would be a fantasy says a lot seeing that people experience that life each day, just not me in this lifetime. I want that to change however, I don't know how much time I have to make it a reality. My doctors say since I am young with the proposed treatment plan I can live a long life, which is the goal. Since the surgery I've smoked 1 and a half cigarette before realizing I do not want to smoke them any longer; so it's just been reefer. Lately, it's been Cereal Milk, Acapulco Gold and Maui Wowie until I was introduced to Purple Trainwreck which I believe inspired me to write this weekend; because of its talkative effects. I've even made inside jokes with myself about my next lifetime and at times I wonder if that manifested my current condition as a way of rushing this one. I do pray my next lifetime is the way I envision it and not a series of hardships to endure or overcome. I believe I've experienced that enough to have learned many lessons on the topic. I feel as if I am ready for a soft life, a life where dreams come true and happiness isn't a rarity. 

With the Full Moon changing phases soon I felt the energy of calmness urging me to be present in the moment and enjoy life as it is without being angry that it is not how I want it to be all of the time. Also, finding an outlet for the anger without being in denial of its existence. I want to feel my feelings and allow them the safe space to express themselves as the challenges I find myself facing are not always easy to handle. On occasion I find myself in a space of liberation, feeling that I don't want to engage with meaningless bullshit or give energy to things that don't serve me in the long run. I have some changes to make in regard to how I treat myself, no longer allowing it to wait until my next lifetime, but incorporating those simple elements to my daily routine until they become second nature. For instance, I believe it would be in my best interest to begin a vegan lifestyle; however, I don't necessarily want to so I haven't. Treating myself better would be taking baby steps into such diet and do my best to expand until I create an alkaline body for myself.

I don't want to rush this life yet I don't want to live a life full of illness and unhappiness. I'm ready to experience something new, make choices that are for my future self rather than decision that are short term. I'm finding it difficult to think long term though and I don't know how to overcome that aspect of the diagnosis. At a moments notice I decide to head to the beach, I need nature; especially one the last night of the Full Moon, the water will do me good. Take some time to sit with nature and commune with God in preparation for the week ahead. I'm praying it goes well and I have little or no discomfort. I don't know how realistic that is, but I'm sure it isn't impossible to experience. I believe it is possible for me to have that experience however, I will let you know how the week goes at some point. Hopefully I'll write more since I have more time on my hands with no coursework to complete, but I pray that time isn't redirected to resting because I'm not feeling well.