hope, wishes and prayers

I saw the Moon; she was bright, beautiful, and almost Full...

Days have passed since writing those words and the train of thought has since escaped me, the Moon is now Full and I have planned a visit to the beach. I realized it's been too long since I've seen the Ocean; and prior to the other day it had been too long since I'd seen the Moon. Once I felt the beams of the Moon on my being I instantly felt balanced. During errands I found a strain I'd only discovered some months ago; unfortunately, I was unable to find any information, but it's called Cherry Slurpie. The effects seem to be uplifted and focused with a hint of arousal or perhaps creativity. 

4 joints later and I don't know what I'd like to share, the music is playing and the air is filled with smoke. 

Easily distracted, I am unsure why I find myself doing things other than writing; it's as if my thoughts are jumbled and I am fearful of what I want to say, although I don't know what that is as of yet. Between the music, smoking, social media and games on my phone it doesn't take much to take my attention away from putting words on the page. Now the urge to return to my dreams comes to mind, usually I would take the bait and dream of my lover or my life post lottery winnings. Today was no different. I had hoped to get on a roll with writing that I could outwit the desire to sleep, but I was unsuccessful. My dreams were nice; leaving me longing for my lover and the lottery. 

As suspected following the final chemotherapy treatment I am beginning to feel better, but with radiation therapy quickly approaching I am uncertain how to feel or how I will feel in the weeks to come. I will admit I am looking forward to these days being in the past and the new life I intend to co-create for myself. When the thought of co- creating my life with God I am conflicted as to the current standing of my life and the level of happiness I find from day to day. On average, with the perfect strain I can find happiness each day; yet some days are more difficult than others and I am attempting to make peace with those days. 

In my daily life I use the words "wish" and "hope" a lot, recently finding fault in hope; as if it is along the same line as "potential" with my thoughts on that word associated with a trap for disappointment. When I think of occurrences from the past when I thought something had the potential to be good for me I was often disappointed. I've been experiencing that with hope lately, finding myself hoping for a positive outcome only to find another hurdle to overcome. I think with wishing there is no urgency tied to the wish; because that's the fantasy of it all.  

With my wishes, I believe they will come true; however, the good thing about a wish is there's no time table for when it will appear, like a prayer. Feelings of happiness engulfs me as I take toke after toke of this Cherry Slurpie strain; I want this feeling to stay for as long as possible. It's been a long time since I've felt a sense of happiness, even with the way my life has twisted and turned since 2012. One wish I often make in jest is the wish of going back in time to "correct" some errors in my thinking and/or decision making in those moments. That's what I mean when I say the fantasy of it all; although it may be a valid wish, there is no way for it to come to pass [as far as I know]. 

In my prayers, I wish for a better life; leaving hope to the side I desire to be whole in every aspect of the word. A life of making the best of the least, always "surviving" or overcoming something, the feeling that there's never "enough" is tiring. All while hoping for a life saver to rescue you then learning that hope will leave you disappointed and at times a bit jaded. I believe my prayers will come to pass because some of them already have, the bigger ones I believe may take some time, but I feel I will vibrate at the frequency where those things reside and by then I will have the wisdom to multiply and sustain that which I have prayed for. 

A bit afraid that I won't find this strain again for some time, I am debating purchasing more just in case. The debate didn't last long as it's clear to me that if this strain is as beloved as I feel it is, there's no such thing as too much so I placed my order. Recognizing that today is Rocko's birthday; I feel as if I've been celebrating for him these past few days. Another reason to have enough reefer on hand. Rocko seemed to have a good day, much like most days for him; I cannot imagine him having a bad day [with the exception of when he ran away for some time [but that's a story for another day]. 

More time has passed as well as joints smoked, I feel as if I am floating; the Moon is Full for another night and I feel the effects of the atmosphere. I've been smoking consistently since discovering this strain was available on Tuesday. Feeling "over the Moon" and playful, unfortunately there is nothing playful to do these days as I anticipate the latest treatment scheduled for next Thursday. I was supposed to take a nap after errands, but I forgot and made plans to pick up more pot, so the nap has to wait. The idea of a beach trip sounds good however, paranoia overwhelms me when I smoke alone at the beach in the day time. Perhaps if I wait until night, but then I don't necessary like going to the beach at night by myself. 

Times like these I wish I had a 420-friendly friend who could or should I say would accompany me to the beach on this beautiful spring night and smoke a joint or a few. I suppose that's wishful thinking, because I don't know the last time I had such a friend where the company was better than being paranoid and alone with myself. As a woman of a certain age I often wonder how do we make new friends? To my surprise after nearly 10 years I met a new friend while some friends I've known for more than 20 years have been demoted to associate or something of that nature. It's funny how things like that happen, now I need friends in the city where I reside or very close to it. 

I suppose I may set an intention to meet people I can connect with as far as a hike or a beach day with a joint or two. After a very quick dive into the space of online apps for meeting people [new friends] I decided to take a beat and see how I feel in a day or two. I am not sure if I am ready to invite new people into my life at this time. I feel as if I may not have the capacity to get to know someone without the overwhelming feeling of anxiety. Being in the safety of my home with music and the thoughts expressed is a wanted feeling rather than being paranoid at the beach, the idea of rescheduling marijuana is also something I need to take a deep dive into understanding as it will make beach days much more enjoyable without the possibility of being cited for smoking weed in public.

It's time to pick up from the dispensary and I feel as if I've shared enough so more celebrating Rocko's birthday and just [trying to] enjoy life in the moment as it comes and wishing you all health, wealth and happiness the same as I wish for myself. I am also setting aside some thought into hope and see if the feelings I have toward it has a life altering effect or if I am just feeling a way right now with everything going on in my life -shrug- nevertheless...

Until next time

111

As if it were magic, this is expression 111 on the blog and to my surprise it is in alignment with my life at the moment. Speaking of things aligning, faith and strength according to this 2023 Cosmopolitan article on Angel Numbers [specifically 111]. Interestingly enough when I sat to write this evening I had not known the significance of the expression awaiting my words. The music and reefer are attempting to give inspiration as I ponder what to share this go round.  

In recent years I've learned a little about numerology and to say it confuses me is an understatement, I feel considerably dumb when attempting to recall from memory the things I've learned thus far. However, the tiny victories occur when I am able to recognize that something means something even if I don't know what it is fully or initially. Since I began this blog nearly 10 years ago [2016] I was shy about acknowledging the milestone of 10, 000 views, I thought the length of time outweighed the number of views, then I smiled and thought about how it didn't matter how long it took, it matters that it happened.

Since beginning this expression many things have come and gone, For instance Mother's Day, along with a few trips to the emergency room due to side effects of my last chemotherapy treatment. With various appointments as well as a couple support groups I feel ill prepared for the experience I've had with it. I was so excited about reaching my final chemotherapy treatment only to be tormented by the side effects. I at times felt defeated, questioning if my reasons for considering the emergency room was attention seeking or valid. 

I begin radiation this week and to say that I am a bit afraid would be an understatement. With how misleading the experience of chemotherapy was, I feel as if perhaps they are downplaying the effects of radiation. I recently decided to postpone classes until Spring; I feel as if the time off will be enough to allow my body to heal and recover from the year I've had of surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and the beginning of hormone therapy. It was this week that I realized I am getting older, discovering the need for reading glasses with the blink of an eye. In addition to the realization that I may need more time to recover from this year than in my younger days. 

The thing about aging is many of us were not prepared for it. As a woman of a particular age I recognize there are many changes a human goes through during ones lifetime. I can only speak from the female perspective which leaves me to believe that in retrospect I did not allow my body the appropriate time to heal from the experiences I've endured. This time around I feel as if I should see myself coming through this experience as a new beginning or a rebirth of sorts. A chance to allow the physical presentation in my mind to reflect in reality. I've witnessed success in the past and although I am a bit older, I believe I can see such again. 

This expression began with an idea of some profound spiritual theory and took a turn from fantasy to a bleak reality. My hope is not to make it seem as if my life is miserable because I've experienced a few miserable moments. While assessing circumstances I feel as if I am doing better with establishing and enforcing boundaries, Also making sure to check in with myself as to if I am feeling what I am feeling or if I am able to endure the symptoms being experienced. No two experiences with aging or illness is the same for any of us, but more of a heads up in regard to the types of things one may expect while these things are happening.

I hope if you are dealing with any of the aforementioned ailments and the reality of aging, I pray for your strength and courage to "fight" for a life you actually want to live. When assessing the [realistic] quality of life that I want to create for myself in this lifetime; I was forced to take account for the shape of everything. I have to learn to commit to my overall wellbeing and not just the things screaming for my attention, However, as I've aged it seems as if one ailment's side effects creates other ailments and it's a vicious cycle of never-ending ailments. I suppose I did not expect things to seemingly begin shutting down at such.a young age. 

Although this expression did not take the turn I intended for it, I am delighted in what I've shared; I feel relieved to advocate for myself and feel as if I made the 'right' decision. In allowing  myself grace to validate my feelings with myself, I feel as if I listened to my body and did what was best. As I've been awake for quite some time I am unsure if I want to take a nap or begin today's errands. Then I ask myself if I am looking for a way out of writing the rest of this expression as if I still have something profound to say...

above the clouds

I am delighted to say this month marks my final chemotherapy session! Next up, radiation then hormone therapy, and I'm done! Thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes, they were truly appreciated. The outpouring of support, friendship and love from expected as well as unexpected places truly warmed my heart. Shortly after my final treatment, the nurses came into my room and sang a song for the occasion; later that evening I was asked if I wanted to "ring the bell", I was hesitant then recognized the sentiment of the tradition and decided I would. I even allowed the nurse to take photographs and a video to share with loved ones... 

I made it for my sacred time [during the hours of 4-6 am, daily] if possible I spend time in prayer, meditation or in a creative space with or without music. I feel it's a great way to set the tone for the remainder of the day until the next time. There was a time when I practiced sacred time each day and I believe my life was better for it; that is until mental illness and what seemed to be ungodly energy forced my journey on an unexpected path through various life lessons, sorrow and unhappiness, allowing a few ups with the downs. 

Based on the circumstances of those years I find it difficult to practice a lot of times, so when I do it is a bit more special to me. Especially when I find the words to share on the blogs or social media, it helps me feel connected to you in a way a writer connects with their people. Which brings up how over the past few months I have seen a surge in readership and I am above the clouds with joy; with the consistency I wanted to make sure to acknowledge and share my thanks [again]. 

I am torn, on one hand I want to continue to share my thoughts and embrace the music however, on the other hand I think I should return to my slumber in order to be alert during errands today. I've indulged in Cereal Milk and a new strain [to me] Mimosa, which has me feeling focused and balanced. Seeing how May is Mental Health Awareness Month, I feel as if it is a necessary strain [for me] since it has done a great job of keeping me centered, or rather grounded since I began it. As the Sun arises and I am no closer to a decision perhaps another joint is actually the answer? Not before accessing my state of being as I am already in a fantastic state; where I feel weightless and openminded, optimistic and somewhat free. 

With errands in approximately 3 hours I feel as if I should make a decision soon, but I don't like to rush such things; especially when I have things to do involving driving and the like. The doctors or few people I've spoken with who have experienced chemotherapy did not accurately detail the effects, as I sit here with my limbs feeling like cooked pasta it is amazing that I am able to type these words with ease. It's funny, I'll type a sentence such as the last and shortly after the words wished to express disappear down the train of thought. Making me feel as if the decision has been made and I should enjoy a few more moments of rest before the day actually begins.

it was 420 in Amsterdam

"life is a balance between holding on and letting go"

Rumi

It's taken several months, but I have come to terms with the conditions of my health [mental, physical, along with emotional] in addition to the status of some of my relationships. I found myself unhappy with interactions yet putting the well being of other's before that of my own. Trying to "be there" when I felt the friendship had long died. In one instance I did not like the way I was being treated and finally decided to remove myself; initially I felt as if I was attempting to be an example of how a friend treats someone they consider such, then I noticed it was not reciprocated or appreciated which left me asking myself why was I bothering to continue. I believe I was overcompensating; giving of myself what I felt was lacking in my own life. Being the friend to others that I wish I had for myself, people pleasing as a distraction from the reality of life with cancer. I was left feeling drained, disappointed and later upset. Mainly disappointed in myself for continuing to put myself in spaces that were no longer healthy. There came a time when I realized I was holding on to various beliefs about relationships out of fear that there would be a void left in its place. In letting go, I was able to redirect that energy within myself; recognizing that I was reacting from a space of trauma which was showing up in my behavior. 

I've had my third round of chemotherapy as of this month [April] and to say the side effects have been dreadful would be an understatement. At times having difficulty standing or walking because of the pain in my bones or aches in my body. My oncologist says I'd do four or six and I will admit I am hoping for the four so I can be done in May. Nevertheless, someone claiming I am one of their "best friends" rarely checks on me, if at all. Once I removed the rose colored glasses of how I thought things were pre-cancer and the reality of the way things really are; the questions arose on continuing the friendship or removing the status to "associate" or something. Pre-cancer I was "busy", running around with various errands and tasks I'd created for myself; I will admit I have a lot of time on my hands now, free time to over-think and over-analyze situations. I know at times I can be a bit hypersensitive, however along this self-love journey I recognize when I am creating boundaries for myself and understanding that my feelings are valid. Learning not to gaslight myself or dismiss my feelings and/or emotions has been extremely helpful in seeing when the treatment I am receiving is not in alignment with what I want for myself; as well as when words and actions don't match. I am no longer making or accepting excuses as to why I'm being told one thing while witnessing something altogether different. It is no longer acceptable and I am at the stage where I am willing to "lose" relationships because of it. The quote comes to mind about knowing what I bring to the table so I'm not afraid to sit alone [paraphrased]. 

I consider myself a "good" friend, I may not always say the right thing, but I have the best interest in mind for those I consider to be my friends and/or loved ones. I am not perfect nor do I strive to be [any longer] so I can feel confident when I say losing me as a friend may not be the big flex some may think it is. I've always had this idea that [some] people love you as much as you may be useful to them; which I experienced this past week. Without getting into the long dumb ass story the bottom line of it all was I was called "lazy" and "weak" because I am not as active or able as I was before I began chemotherapy treatments. When I attempted to remind the person of this I was told "Idgaf" [multiple times] causing me to end the conversation and adjust the relationship with said person moving forward. The entire ordeal reminded me of the concept of how Black women aren't "allowed" to rest; we are expected to take care of the wants and needs of everyone around us without taking a beat to check in with ourselves or reset as necessary. I refuse to subscribe to the "strong, independent, Black woman" troupe and I will not allow anyone to bully me into it any longer. I am strong yet the appearance of such looks different from day to day; I am no longer unwilling to ask for help when I find it necessary and if to some that makes me appear weak than so be it. 

Since beginning this expression I welcomed 420; with many joints and a festival, resulting in the partaking of mushroom gummies. They didn't do much with the exception of enhancing the experience of the Cereal Milk I'd already indulged in. Overall, the mood and vibe are much better than where I left off in this expression; I did not allow those words to penetrate however, they did take a minute to process as I could not fathom someone being so heartless as to say those things during this time with everything that is going on with my life. Nevertheless, as the saying goes "when someone shows you who they are, believe them; the first time." In both instances I've chosen to distance myself or disappear altogether, the lack of compassion, empathy, and at times love wears me out... More time has passed since I began this expression and many emotions have come and gone. I took the opportunity to travel a bit and I am now elated in the clouds of Blackberry Moonshine; debating if I want a mushroom gummie to enhance the happy feelings I am currently experiencing or partake in the strain LA Kush Cake and go over the Full Moon... 

The stars aligned in a particular way that I was out of town during this Full Moon and enjoying various strains I've had before [LA Kush Cake] and loved as well as a new strain that has become a fast favorite [Blackberry Moonshine]. Taking a beat to experience some new things I realize I am healing [emotionally] while I am accessing various things mentally, discovering and realizing them from a new perspective while attempting to let go of the past [most of which I don't remember anyway]. I am tempted to search for a new therapist; the last one I meshed well with stopped seeing me when my insurance changed; I don''t blame her, but damn if I don't wish she could take me back. The depths I was willing to go within our sessions amazed me because I had never been so vulnerable and able to express myself fully. I feel as if I may be in that space or something similar; ready, willing and able to dive into aspects of myself. A space where I am able to confront myself, correct some behaviors which I acknowledge aren't for the betterment of my life, set some goals as well as rewards to look forward to. From the time I began this expression [sometime in April] until now I am a bit "all over the place" when it comes to my thoughts, feelings and emotions. 

I feel as if so many leave so much unsaid or at times misunderstood, yet are swift to allow toxic and/or dysfunctional beliefs and expressions to fly fast from the tongue. Rarely with regard to the person on the receiving end of such venom; like, how will these words affect them? Some will expect a person to accept dysfunction because it may be common practice within that circle; however, that doesn't make it "okay". Choosing to hold on to things that should be let go of to leave space for positivity and optimism or overall good fortune. Within the past few weeks I've felt as if some close to me do not wish to see me happy, healthy, or perhaps in good cheer; as if I should be bound to misfortune and unhappiness. I refuse to allow that to be my story, instead I choose to pray for wisdom, patience, and healing; allowing myself the grace to embrace my current circumstances. From someone who was a self-proclaimed perfectionist, wearing the strong, independent, Black woman troupe as if a badge of honor; attempting to "rescue" where I saw the "need". Now with the exception of certain obligations I no longer accept such expectations someone else may try to attach to me. I feel as if I am allowing this expression to be a form of therapy as I do not have a competent one as of yet. Letting the words fall like tears onto the page since they refuse to stream from my eyes. 

So much time has passed since beginning this expression that it is now May, my intention was to conclude my thoughts before the month of April ended. As we can see, that did not happen; which is fine because with various edits this edition seems to speak of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions during my daily being as well as in the midst of traveling and returning home. Upon my arrival home the second stop made was to the dispensary where I purchased my good friend Blueberry Kush known for its relaxing effects. Now that I've rested [as mush as possible] I've moved on to Acapulco Gold and Maui Waui not only for the creative aspects, but also the effects in being uplifted and happy. That's the energy I want to experience; especially seeing how I have treatment soon. Seeing how I finally thought of a title for this expression I am beginning to feel as if I can find some closing thoughts, especially seeing how this expression is also rather long. I believe I've come into a new chapter of life, it may have began when I accepted the diagnosis given and the treatment plan that followed. As I suggested in another expression written recently, illness and age has a way of providing new perspectives on things that may have seemed major to someone not battling for their life. I realize the title of this expression allows one to assume since I've been traveling I may have gone to Amsterdam. Finding that amusing yet choosing not to rename it seems like I should share my meaning of "it's 420 in Amsterdam". However, I feel as if that's a story for another day.