111

As if it were magic, this is expression 111 on the blog and to my surprise it is in alignment with my life at the moment. Speaking of things aligning, faith and strength according to this 2023 Cosmopolitan article on Angel Numbers [specifically 111]. Interestingly enough when I sat to write this evening I had not known the significance of the expression awaiting my words. The music and reefer are attempting to give inspiration as I ponder what to share this go round.  

In recent years I've learned a little about numerology and to say it confuses me is an understatement, I feel considerably dumb when attempting to recall from memory the things I've learned thus far. However, the tiny victories occur when I am able to recognize that something means something even if I don't know what it is fully or initially. Since I began this blog nearly 10 years ago [2016] I was shy about acknowledging the milestone of 10, 000 views, I thought the length of time outweighed the number of views, then I smiled and thought about how it didn't matter how long it took, it matters that it happened.

Since beginning this expression many things have come and gone, For instance Mother's Day, along with a few trips to the emergency room due to side effects of my last chemotherapy treatment. With various appointments as well as a couple support groups I feel ill prepared for the experience I've had with it. I was so excited about reaching my final chemotherapy treatment only to be tormented by the side effects. I at times felt defeated, questioning if my reasons for considering the emergency room was attention seeking or valid. 

I begin radiation this week and to say that I am a bit afraid would be an understatement. With how misleading the experience of chemotherapy was, I feel as if perhaps they are downplaying the effects of radiation. I recently decided to postpone classes until Spring; I feel as if the time off will be enough to allow my body to heal and recover from the year I've had of surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and the beginning of hormone therapy. It was this week that I realized I am getting older, discovering the need for reading glasses with the blink of an eye. In addition to the realization that I may need more time to recover from this year than in my younger days. 

The thing about aging is many of us were not prepared for it. As a woman of a particular age I recognize there are many changes a human goes through during ones lifetime. I can only speak from the female perspective which leaves me to believe that in retrospect I did not allow my body the appropriate time to heal from the experiences I've endured. This time around I feel as if I should see myself coming through this experience as a new beginning or a rebirth of sorts. A chance to allow the physical presentation in my mind to reflect in reality. I've witnessed success in the past and although I am a bit older, I believe I can see such again. 

This expression began with an idea of some profound spiritual theory and took a turn from fantasy to a bleak reality. My hope is not to make it seem as if my life is miserable because I've experienced a few miserable moments. While assessing circumstances I feel as if I am doing better with establishing and enforcing boundaries, Also making sure to check in with myself as to if I am feeling what I am feeling or if I am able to endure the symptoms being experienced. No two experiences with aging or illness is the same for any of us, but more of a heads up in regard to the types of things one may expect while these things are happening.

I hope if you are dealing with any of the aforementioned ailments and the reality of aging, I pray for your strength and courage to "fight" for a life you actually want to live. When assessing the [realistic] quality of life that I want to create for myself in this lifetime; I was forced to take account for the shape of everything. I have to learn to commit to my overall wellbeing and not just the things screaming for my attention, However, as I've aged it seems as if one ailment's side effects creates other ailments and it's a vicious cycle of never-ending ailments. I suppose I did not expect things to seemingly begin shutting down at such.a young age. 

Although this expression did not take the turn I intended for it, I am delighted in what I've shared; I feel relieved to advocate for myself and feel as if I made the 'right' decision. In allowing  myself grace to validate my feelings with myself, I feel as if I listened to my body and did what was best. As I've been awake for quite some time I am unsure if I want to take a nap or begin today's errands. Then I ask myself if I am looking for a way out of writing the rest of this expression as if I still have something profound to say...