it was 420 in Amsterdam

"life is a balance between holding on and letting go"

Rumi

It's taken several months, but I have come to terms with the conditions of my health [mental, physical, along with emotional] in addition to the status of some of my relationships. I found myself unhappy with interactions yet putting the well being of other's before that of my own. Trying to "be there" when I felt the friendship had long died. In one instance I did not like the way I was being treated and finally decided to remove myself; initially I felt as if I was attempting to be an example of how a friend treats someone they consider such, then I noticed it was not reciprocated or appreciated which left me asking myself why was I bothering to continue. I believe I was overcompensating; giving of myself what I felt was lacking in my own life. Being the friend to others that I wish I had for myself, people pleasing as a distraction from the reality of life with cancer. I was left feeling drained, disappointed and later upset. Mainly disappointed in myself for continuing to put myself in spaces that were no longer healthy. There came a time when I realized I was holding on to various beliefs about relationships out of fear that there would be a void left in its place. In letting go, I was able to redirect that energy within myself; recognizing that I was reacting from a space of trauma which was showing up in my behavior. 

I've had my third round of chemotherapy as of this month [April] and to say the side effects have been dreadful would be an understatement. At times having difficulty standing or walking because of the pain in my bones or aches in my body. My oncologist says I'd do four or six and I will admit I am hoping for the four so I can be done in May. Nevertheless, someone claiming I am one of their "best friends" rarely checks on me, if at all. Once I removed the rose colored glasses of how I thought things were pre-cancer and the reality of the way things really are; the questions arose on continuing the friendship or removing the status to "associate" or something. Pre-cancer I was "busy", running around with various errands and tasks I'd created for myself; I will admit I have a lot of time on my hands now, free time to over-think and over-analyze situations. I know at times I can be a bit hypersensitive, however along this self-love journey I recognize when I am creating boundaries for myself and understanding that my feelings are valid. Learning not to gaslight myself or dismiss my feelings and/or emotions has been extremely helpful in seeing when the treatment I am receiving is not in alignment with what I want for myself; as well as when words and actions don't match. I am no longer making or accepting excuses as to why I'm being told one thing while witnessing something altogether different. It is no longer acceptable and I am at the stage where I am willing to "lose" relationships because of it. The quote comes to mind about knowing what I bring to the table so I'm not afraid to sit alone [paraphrased]. 

I consider myself a "good" friend, I may not always say the right thing, but I have the best interest in mind for those I consider to be my friends and/or loved ones. I am not perfect nor do I strive to be [any longer] so I can feel confident when I say losing me as a friend may not be the big flex some may think it is. I've always had this idea that [some] people love you as much as you may be useful to them; which I experienced this past week. Without getting into the long dumb ass story the bottom line of it all was I was called "lazy" and "weak" because I am not as active or able as I was before I began chemotherapy treatments. When I attempted to remind the person of this I was told "Idgaf" [multiple times] causing me to end the conversation and adjust the relationship with said person moving forward. The entire ordeal reminded me of the concept of how Black women aren't "allowed" to rest; we are expected to take care of the wants and needs of everyone around us without taking a beat to check in with ourselves or reset as necessary. I refuse to subscribe to the "strong, independent, Black woman" troupe and I will not allow anyone to bully me into it any longer. I am strong yet the appearance of such looks different from day to day; I am no longer unwilling to ask for help when I find it necessary and if to some that makes me appear weak than so be it. 

Since beginning this expression I welcomed 420; with many joints and a festival, resulting in the partaking of mushroom gummies. They didn't do much with the exception of enhancing the experience of the Cereal Milk I'd already indulged in. Overall, the mood and vibe are much better than where I left off in this expression; I did not allow those words to penetrate however, they did take a minute to process as I could not fathom someone being so heartless as to say those things during this time with everything that is going on with my life. Nevertheless, as the saying goes "when someone shows you who they are, believe them; the first time." In both instances I've chosen to distance myself or disappear altogether, the lack of compassion, empathy, and at times love wears me out... More time has passed since I began this expression and many emotions have come and gone. I took the opportunity to travel a bit and I am now elated in the clouds of Blackberry Moonshine; debating if I want a mushroom gummie to enhance the happy feelings I am currently experiencing or partake in the strain LA Kush Cake and go over the Full Moon... 

The stars aligned in a particular way that I was out of town during this Full Moon and enjoying various strains I've had before [LA Kush Cake] and loved as well as a new strain that has become a fast favorite [Blackberry Moonshine]. Taking a beat to experience some new things I realize I am healing [emotionally] while I am accessing various things mentally, discovering and realizing them from a new perspective while attempting to let go of the past [most of which I don't remember anyway]. I am tempted to search for a new therapist; the last one I meshed well with stopped seeing me when my insurance changed; I don''t blame her, but damn if I don't wish she could take me back. The depths I was willing to go within our sessions amazed me because I had never been so vulnerable and able to express myself fully. I feel as if I may be in that space or something similar; ready, willing and able to dive into aspects of myself. A space where I am able to confront myself, correct some behaviors which I acknowledge aren't for the betterment of my life, set some goals as well as rewards to look forward to. From the time I began this expression [sometime in April] until now I am a bit "all over the place" when it comes to my thoughts, feelings and emotions. 

I feel as if so many leave so much unsaid or at times misunderstood, yet are swift to allow toxic and/or dysfunctional beliefs and expressions to fly fast from the tongue. Rarely with regard to the person on the receiving end of such venom; like, how will these words affect them? Some will expect a person to accept dysfunction because it may be common practice within that circle; however, that doesn't make it "okay". Choosing to hold on to things that should be let go of to leave space for positivity and optimism or overall good fortune. Within the past few weeks I've felt as if some close to me do not wish to see me happy, healthy, or perhaps in good cheer; as if I should be bound to misfortune and unhappiness. I refuse to allow that to be my story, instead I choose to pray for wisdom, patience, and healing; allowing myself the grace to embrace my current circumstances. From someone who was a self-proclaimed perfectionist, wearing the strong, independent, Black woman troupe as if a badge of honor; attempting to "rescue" where I saw the "need". Now with the exception of certain obligations I no longer accept such expectations someone else may try to attach to me. I feel as if I am allowing this expression to be a form of therapy as I do not have a competent one as of yet. Letting the words fall like tears onto the page since they refuse to stream from my eyes. 

So much time has passed since beginning this expression that it is now May, my intention was to conclude my thoughts before the month of April ended. As we can see, that did not happen; which is fine because with various edits this edition seems to speak of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions during my daily being as well as in the midst of traveling and returning home. Upon my arrival home the second stop made was to the dispensary where I purchased my good friend Blueberry Kush known for its relaxing effects. Now that I've rested [as mush as possible] I've moved on to Acapulco Gold and Maui Waui not only for the creative aspects, but also the effects in being uplifted and happy. That's the energy I want to experience; especially seeing how I have treatment soon. Seeing how I finally thought of a title for this expression I am beginning to feel as if I can find some closing thoughts, especially seeing how this expression is also rather long. I believe I've come into a new chapter of life, it may have began when I accepted the diagnosis given and the treatment plan that followed. As I suggested in another expression written recently, illness and age has a way of providing new perspectives on things that may have seemed major to someone not battling for their life. I realize the title of this expression allows one to assume since I've been traveling I may have gone to Amsterdam. Finding that amusing yet choosing not to rename it seems like I should share my meaning of "it's 420 in Amsterdam". However, I feel as if that's a story for another day.