hope, wishes and prayers

I saw the Moon; she was bright, beautiful, and almost Full...

Days have passed since writing those words and the train of thought has since escaped me, the Moon is now Full and I have planned a visit to the beach. I realized it's been too long since I've seen the Ocean; and prior to the other day it had been too long since I'd seen the Moon. Once I felt the beams of the Moon on my being I instantly felt balanced. During errands I found a strain I'd only discovered some months ago; unfortunately, I was unable to find any information, but it's called Cherry Slurpie. The effects seem to be uplifted and focused with a hint of arousal or perhaps creativity. 

4 joints later and I don't know what I'd like to share, the music is playing and the air is filled with smoke. 

Easily distracted, I am unsure why I find myself doing things other than writing; it's as if my thoughts are jumbled and I am fearful of what I want to say, although I don't know what that is as of yet. Between the music, smoking, social media and games on my phone it doesn't take much to take my attention away from putting words on the page. Now the urge to return to my dreams comes to mind, usually I would take the bait and dream of my lover or my life post lottery winnings. Today was no different. I had hoped to get on a roll with writing that I could outwit the desire to sleep, but I was unsuccessful. My dreams were nice; leaving me longing for my lover and the lottery. 

As suspected following the final chemotherapy treatment I am beginning to feel better, but with radiation therapy quickly approaching I am uncertain how to feel or how I will feel in the weeks to come. I will admit I am looking forward to these days being in the past and the new life I intend to co-create for myself. When the thought of co- creating my life with God I am conflicted as to the current standing of my life and the level of happiness I find from day to day. On average, with the perfect strain I can find happiness each day; yet some days are more difficult than others and I am attempting to make peace with those days. 

In my daily life I use the words "wish" and "hope" a lot, recently finding fault in hope; as if it is along the same line as "potential" with my thoughts on that word associated with a trap for disappointment. When I think of occurrences from the past when I thought something had the potential to be good for me I was often disappointed. I've been experiencing that with hope lately, finding myself hoping for a positive outcome only to find another hurdle to overcome. I think with wishing there is no urgency tied to the wish; because that's the fantasy of it all.  

With my wishes, I believe they will come true; however, the good thing about a wish is there's no time table for when it will appear, like a prayer. Feelings of happiness engulfs me as I take toke after toke of this Cherry Slurpie strain; I want this feeling to stay for as long as possible. It's been a long time since I've felt a sense of happiness, even with the way my life has twisted and turned since 2012. One wish I often make in jest is the wish of going back in time to "correct" some errors in my thinking and/or decision making in those moments. That's what I mean when I say the fantasy of it all; although it may be a valid wish, there is no way for it to come to pass [as far as I know]. 

In my prayers, I wish for a better life; leaving hope to the side I desire to be whole in every aspect of the word. A life of making the best of the least, always "surviving" or overcoming something, the feeling that there's never "enough" is tiring. All while hoping for a life saver to rescue you then learning that hope will leave you disappointed and at times a bit jaded. I believe my prayers will come to pass because some of them already have, the bigger ones I believe may take some time, but I feel I will vibrate at the frequency where those things reside and by then I will have the wisdom to multiply and sustain that which I have prayed for. 

A bit afraid that I won't find this strain again for some time, I am debating purchasing more just in case. The debate didn't last long as it's clear to me that if this strain is as beloved as I feel it is, there's no such thing as too much so I placed my order. Recognizing that today is Rocko's birthday; I feel as if I've been celebrating for him these past few days. Another reason to have enough reefer on hand. Rocko seemed to have a good day, much like most days for him; I cannot imagine him having a bad day [with the exception of when he ran away for some time [but that's a story for another day]. 

More time has passed as well as joints smoked, I feel as if I am floating; the Moon is Full for another night and I feel the effects of the atmosphere. I've been smoking consistently since discovering this strain was available on Tuesday. Feeling "over the Moon" and playful, unfortunately there is nothing playful to do these days as I anticipate the latest treatment scheduled for next Thursday. I was supposed to take a nap after errands, but I forgot and made plans to pick up more pot, so the nap has to wait. The idea of a beach trip sounds good however, paranoia overwhelms me when I smoke alone at the beach in the day time. Perhaps if I wait until night, but then I don't necessary like going to the beach at night by myself. 

Times like these I wish I had a 420-friendly friend who could or should I say would accompany me to the beach on this beautiful spring night and smoke a joint or a few. I suppose that's wishful thinking, because I don't know the last time I had such a friend where the company was better than being paranoid and alone with myself. As a woman of a certain age I often wonder how do we make new friends? To my surprise after nearly 10 years I met a new friend while some friends I've known for more than 20 years have been demoted to associate or something of that nature. It's funny how things like that happen, now I need friends in the city where I reside or very close to it. 

I suppose I may set an intention to meet people I can connect with as far as a hike or a beach day with a joint or two. After a very quick dive into the space of online apps for meeting people [new friends] I decided to take a beat and see how I feel in a day or two. I am not sure if I am ready to invite new people into my life at this time. I feel as if I may not have the capacity to get to know someone without the overwhelming feeling of anxiety. Being in the safety of my home with music and the thoughts expressed is a wanted feeling rather than being paranoid at the beach, the idea of rescheduling marijuana is also something I need to take a deep dive into understanding as it will make beach days much more enjoyable without the possibility of being cited for smoking weed in public.

It's time to pick up from the dispensary and I feel as if I've shared enough so more celebrating Rocko's birthday and just [trying to] enjoy life in the moment as it comes and wishing you all health, wealth and happiness the same as I wish for myself. I am also setting aside some thought into hope and see if the feelings I have toward it has a life altering effect or if I am just feeling a way right now with everything going on in my life -shrug- nevertheless...

Until next time