higher

"never lose hope, my heart, miracles dwell in the invisible."

   Rumi

I found myself in a questionable space mentally once I completed chemotherapy and learned of other steps recommended for treating my conditions. They are recommending another surgery and to be honest, now is not the time. There was a brief moment when I reconsidered undergoing radiation treatment, after discussing it with my doctor I decided to complete it with the intention I won't experience many of the negative side effects. It's mainly the fatigue and body aches that wear me out and keep me from having a more active life. It's been approximately six months since the surgery and about a month since completing chemotherapy; I feel as if I am just beginning to have more better days than before, that is until I had a fall recently. I had so much difficulty getting up from the ground, filled with embarrassment I had no choice but to do my best to overcome the situation and move forward with the day. Too many stairs or a long walk can take my breath away whereas there was a time when I'd walk five miles a day just because; nowadays I long for those excursions. I miss my old life; true I probably wouldn't have the wisdom I have now, but on days like today I miss it real bad. Knowing there's nothing I can do about it, I just long for a more self sufficient lifestyle and I don't know when or if I'll get back to that. The feeling of discouragement fills me and I don't know how to shake it in this moment. The idea of smoking another joint comes to mind, making me think I can push past these trivial thoughts and find out what's at the bottom of these feelings.

The joint of choice has been Snickerdoodlez, unfortunately there isn't much information about the strain online however, the high is quite peaceful and focused as if it clears my mind of all the chatter allowing me to see my thoughts clearly. While looking online for information I decided to locate one of my favorites, Cherry Slurpie; another strain without information. Nevertheless both are great with mental clarity, calmness as well as moments of happiness and creativity. After ordering Cherry Slurpie I find myself excited and a bit eager to pick them up, but I am still in the planning stages of my day; I knew I wanted to write something and possibly visit the beach, other than that it's still up in the air... Errand to the dispensary, lunch, a nap and now I'm back.  Or so I thought, many days and joints later I am actually back to figure out what's on my mind and in my heart to share. After looking a bit deeper into the idea of hope I realize there are other words I prefer however, the concept is the same. My desire [hope] requires a miracle and the idea of hoping for it to happen with the uncertainty that it will leaves me a little uncomfortable. Then I saw a meme which said "a major part of manifesting is believing you're worthy of what you're asking for." I will admit I was a bit perplexed; because I thought I believed I was worthy until I read that sentence and discovered there's a part of my self which feels unworthy of the miracles I pray for [often]. 

Oftentimes I am in the presence of those who criticize, critique and/or complain more than express optimism or give compliments. I recognized that in my youth, choosing to be optimistic took a lot of determination especially coming from the environments I grew up around. I believe my subconscious mind is so used to the negative or an expectation opposite of my prayers that on some level I don't truly believe I will manifest the life of my dreams. Feeling unworthy due to limiting beliefs based on the surroundings and circumstances I've survived in this life [thus far]. For a moment I thought who would I talk to in regard to overcoming limiting beliefs then the thought of booking a session with my tarot reader came to mind. Making sure to send a text before it slipped my mind, hopefully I'll have a session this week so I should think of some things I'd like insight on. The idea of returning to a higher consciousness brings many things to mind, most of which I know I should be implementing yet haven't, I realize out of self sabotage. Brings me to question how I learned to make a habit of sabotaging myself, perhaps it was taught during my upbringing; unfortunately I won't know because I don't recall most of it. What I do know is breaking habits takes a lot of effort and I suppose it's never too late to grow in the areas a person feels it's necessary.

As I ash my joint the thought comes to mind that I have only smoked two cigarettes since my surgery in January, both of which I "bummed" from someone and it wasn't my brand; they were disgusting! Since I refuse to buy my brand I have committed to being [cigarette] smoke free indefinitely. The significance of that coming to mind as I speak about efforts and changing habits, there was a time when considering not smoking cigarettes was impossible to believe. I could not see myself not smoking them until the days then months passed where I didn't. I'm still learning to trust my self [intuition] and believe I am capable, seeing how I do things that seem like miracles to me pretty often; for example I drove to Northern California recently, as I thought of the six plus hour drive each way I nearly talked myself out of it then I realized I could do it a little at a time. I ended up driving three hours before stopping both ways. Another thing I did was return to college all these years later and was doing very well, until cancer/ chemotherapy. I am learning to celebrate my accomplishments, no mater how small they may seem to someone else; the fact that I've been stepping out of my comfort zone and getting things done that I thought I couldn't is cause for a celebration [even if I am the only one celebrating]. 

The thought of the steps I'd like to take to get myself to a place where I am well seems overwhelming in this moment, but if I take it like I did the road trip not doing everything at once; instead I can implement things in stages. Rather than attempt to tackle everything at once and burn out, I can start with a few things then add on as they become routine. I think that may be the strategy for success, as well as a couple books on habits I've been meaning to read. Taking a moment to search the blogs to see if I've written anything on the topic and I found an expression written in 2021, titled "high" which was in alignment with some of the things I've mentioned here. Another expression, written much earlier [2015] I wrote about "habits" and although I was vague, I can somewhat recall what was on my heart at the time. In some aspects I am still that woman, longing for these dreams to manifest; while some have come to pass here and there the main ones [life changing] are still brewing in the Universe awaiting something to bring it into this reality. 

My intention is to join the gym a month or so after I complete radiation therapy; I figure by then I'll be able to access the body ache and fatigue, if any. Allowing me to rebuild the strength in my body while possibly getting "in shape" the way I imagine myself. I am excited to witness my hair growth and looking forward to discovering it's texture, as many say it changes after chemotherapy. Something else I am looking forward to is traveling, I've taken short trips here and there but I am not ready for long flights. I feel so confined this year, surgery then chemotherapy and radiation; bound to few places yet mostly at home. I feel the need to stretch out and feel the wind and the ocean breeze with no tasks or errands and appointments to tend to. I've also decided to take a break from college until Spring, I want to give my body a fresh start or perhaps a new beginning is a better way to phrase it? A reset is much needed which allows me to figure out how to navigate from where I am currently into the woman I dream to be. That's where worthiness and miracles come back into the conversation; how does someone strengthen their sense of worthiness?