transparency: here again

I've sat in front of a blank screen for hours; with random thoughts running through my mind while the music plays and the smoke fills the air. I took a detour down "memory lane" reading older expressions from this blog as well as the other. A few days ago when I initially thought of writing the thought of being transparent came to mind, after completing this weeks tasks and rescheduling appointments I had time to search my blogs for the use of the word "transparency" and was happily surprised with the results of what I've shared on the topic. After making minor changes to the blogs these words appeared on the page with no known direction of where this expression is going. Many observations have occurred since my last expression on the blog, my Dad's birthday along with the fact I registered for a couple courses for the Fall semester [I was preparing to return next school year, then boredom happened]. I find myself a bit distracted as I attempt to quiet myself to find the words to share. 

While on the train of thought of transparency I read a quote from the expression "Transparency: A Journey" stating:

"start over, my darling. be brave enough to find the life you want and courageous enough to chase it. then start over and love yourself the way you were always meant to."

Madalyn Beck

Since returning to college I have taken a closer look at the future I am creating and finding the next path within higher learning to achieve my goal. I am about 1/3 of the way to that chapter, leaving much time to plan, coordinate, and dream. While the thought of transferring to complete my undergraduate goals I feel as if I should begin applying in the very near future. The thought of such is a bit intimidating, in the sense of the anxiety that comes to mind with making life altering decisions. Choosing to see this next step as brave and courageous as I am chasing the life I want. Interestingly enough I am remembering my teenage self when I initially began college and chose Psychology as my major; many Moons passed and upon returning to college I again chose Psychology as my major until this last time choosing English. I admit when doing so my only objective was to become a better writer for the blogs and the book- not thinking of choosing a career path or that it was an option. With the return to therapy I decided to return to my passion in the realm of knowledge and becoming. I've always had a passion for Psychology and Philosophy; to learn of the interworking of the mind mixed with the metaphysical aspects of the soul and how it chooses to express itself.   

The house is quiet allowing me to revisit some thoughts I've had regarding the career path I am deciding on and what I want my life to look like in the coming years; as I approach a milestone age. Thinking heavily about the next 5 years and where I see myself at that time, entering grad school; which is the plan thus far. I only pray my health allows me to accomplish the milestones it will take to get there. Without feeling sadness when the topic of death or dying entered the conversation, simply acknowledging my current reality with the ailments and conditions I face in this lifetime. I am currently taking a course on Gerontology in relation to aging and the life course. This week part of an assignment was to complete a "life expectancy" calculator, doing so made me think of myself through the years to come, how I'd like to look and what I would like to achieve. The idea of being healthy and thriving with far less challenges than I find myself with these days. The idea that I've come full circle with the 17 year old young woman I once was. 

Being in college as a Psychology major and doing well was far from my reach at that time, life was coming at me fast around that time; no longer dealing with little girl issues; the late teenage/ young adult years of my life were tough- to say the least. By 19 I was with child and left behind the goals of completing college and beginning a career of my choosing. Many avenues and career paths have come and gone in these years yet here I am a bit wiser from experience as well as the challenges of life provoking bravery, courage, and the creative ability to weave these new goals into the fabric of where I find myself today seamlessly. The transition has seemed to flow effortlessly, with the necessary resources to aid with reaching each goal. In the years past I chose Psychology as my major yet I had no direction of where I wanted to go with that degree or how I'd get there. Thankfully I chose courses which were necessary for such major; so that time was not a complete waste where I'd be truly starting from scratch.

The idea of being "here again" comes to mind, although I am a bit further along than I was all those years ago in college, I feel as if I am at that fork in the road of completing college and diving into a career I love; while managing said ailments and conditions. I used the expression "fork in the road" yet as I think of the other path nothing came to mind. A knowing that the path I've chosen is the only path for me is refreshing, allowing me to ask if I've found my purpose? Perhaps there is no fork just yet, seeing how I know the path in my heart through a particular aspect of the goal. The part I have yet to discover would be the "job title" of my desires; I believe I have an idea, but I am not 100% certain that is the right path for me. While there are many factors in deciding on such I have not fully found what I absolutely want to do. However, I do know how I want to feel and some things I'd like to see; like homeownership, experiencing travel to new destinations and milestones with loved ones. 

It's as if I have another opportunity to make the desires of that 17 year old young lady come true. With the wisdom of life experience and a better understanding of the person I see as my "higher self" blooming into being. I feel closer to being her than I did all those years ago when I first began the blogs and social media to express myself in what I categorize as my creative self. The thought of sleep enters my mind and I feel as if I should listen to the desire to dream for my younger self. In this moment I believe I know the way through that fork and what's the next path as far as a career choice. I'd rather not reveal the full plan at this time out of privacy for my future self. I even had a thought or a vision of myself as a published author, book in hand and a smile on my face. The idea of dreams coming true being possible and the belief that it is =[possible] makes me recognize my own growth and how some perspectives have changed over the years. As the Sun begins to rise I realize a dream is exactly what I'd like right now.

Until next time...