writing to you from an undisclosed location

I've located a cave of mine, I won't share where it resides or how long it's been since I've visited however, I will say it's as lovely as I remembered it

Untouched by the hands of man

I am engulfed within the magnitude of my self- the beauty of my skin, the softness of my being, the salt from my tears, and the heaviness within my chest craving a release

I've spent a few days revisiting some of the writings you all have been engaged in and I will admit, the idea of love I once had for a particular few gentlemen was so inline with "puppy love" or some other nostalgic concept of what I considered love at the time

I realize how mundane those "relationships" were and in hindsight I can see clearly why none of them had what it took to stand the test of time

In all honesty with the inclusion of the baby Dragon I do not wish to revisit any of those individuals again in this lifetime or another! 

The idea of saying "good riddance" to them all brings such a wonderful smile to my face I can hardly contain myself. With the exception of my 1st love I could do without the memory of any of them- so much so the thought to delete the writings and begin anew almost takes over me

I cannot say that I did not love them, but I will admit the love I thought I had was only an aspect of myself loving me. How could it be any other way when they did not love me in any capacity? Only the love of what I offered them or what they thought they were getting from me- as if by deceit or ambush in some form or fashion...

I do not despise them yet I do not wish to revisit any of the encounters of the past

As a new year and a new age approaches I am content with diving deeper into myself

Finding myself so much of myself that I have no room for another

My heart is broken in a way I do not wish to repair. A motherless child yet the worst part of it all is my only living child has chosen "no contact" so although I bare the scars of motherhood I do not have the pleasure of being such

To an extent it is a self- fulfilling prophecy as I set out many Moons ago to become a spinster yet the idea of not having gone through pregnancy, childbirth or the [one of many] near fatal accidents which shapes a story many ways in which I am the villain 

Yet today, I don't care

I don't care about the ideas, misconceptions, tangled beliefs or gossip from anyone

The people I cherish are few and their love sustains me even on days like today when I wish I could disappear and remain in my cave until Summer arrives and I can feel the warmth of the Sun shining on the skin I'm in

I intend to reside in this location for the foreseeable future as I do not desire the wishy washy touch of a limited lover or some liar pretending to be as I am

The mask of them all leaves me unimpressed as I allowed the other aspects of my internal universe to overshadow the truth which is my Sun and Mercury in Capricorn

They call me "the devil" and say such things of how I conduct myself to the point I nearly abandoned all of what drives me in the ordinary humanlike craving for belongingness and connection- two illusions I am painfully aware that I do not fit into

I've rebranded, re-imagined, shrank, silenced, and morphed into a bite- sized version of myself for so long in hopes that one of those relationships would take hold and be all they promised to be if only I were a little less [something]

The test of time has proven to be me with myself and I 

The odds of searching for a "better half" or the one who completes me is so farfetched I nearly die laughing at the concepts of twin flames, soul mates, and all else seeking outside of myself to better my self

With God and the amazing woman I am [past, present, and future] there is no other who could contain the majesty of a truly visualized version of me and I will say I would have it no other way...