fool’s paradise

I've come to the realization that the majority of the "people" I know in real life either have a strong dislike for me or dare I say, they "hate" me [on the outside looking in and even on the inside looking out it was difficult for me to fathom] but as a recent turn of events in addition to the many happenings in the Cosmos with Retrogrades, the various illusions Saturn is having fun with, and everything else I have been unable to calculate. I am sad today, I don't write when I am sad; the exception for today is the fact I have my last paper due in my Psychology— Personal and Social Awareness course. I literally have no one to talk to; well, Rocko, but I need to talk out loud and not be as so many believe I am already— crazy— the number of times I've been called terrible names [to my face and I am sure worse behind my back] I am a bit weary. 

I think the most disheartening part about it is: after all I've been through, most of which I've only touched on within the blogs, but now that I am officially out of the loop as far as [maternal] family is concerned and out of states as far as my loved ones. To be in your home state, California of all places [I am truly a California girl— one from South Central Los Angeles— but California no less] so to be here, home yet left without anywhere to call such. I've shed tears and lit up many prayers, meditations, and other expressions from my Soul as I could not translate the feelings, emotions, thoughts, hurt... I've never felt this pain before. My best friend has been gone for many Moons [2001 or 2002] and a dear friend passed in August 2023; I miss my Dad and my [maternal] Grandmother; thankfully my Grammie is still with us. That made me smile.

The culmination of abandonment, neglect, apathy, and other displays of indifference and/ or silence has been deafening, as silence holds many secrets. I have been the happiest I have ever been on a consistent basis, I've had moments of happiness then someone says or does something with the intent to "burst my bubble" leading to mental, emotional, personality, mood disorders and financial distress as they also owe debts that they are ignoring to repay. I've come to terms with the facts that I am not for everyone, as I am a particular type A person with unique critical thinking abilities. In my youth I would run away, in the aspect of changing my number randomly, ghosting people, and other bratty behaviors. I am no longer that way— perhaps the many years of that has caught up with me as some "friendships" of over two decades have exposed themselves to be something I still can't wrap my head around. The fact that I am confused by a few people while right on target with many others only sharpens the newfound friendship between bipolar disorder and dyslexia.

I do not wish to regress, as a self- centered, mean girl was interesting as that's when people "loved" me, wanted to spend time with me, and have conversations. Now that I've been on a personal development journey through spirituality and my reconnection to God, those very people find a way to bring my name into conversations just to proclaim how "crazy" I am. It's boring at this point, since early childhood I have kept my "opinions" of other's to myself, mainly because my first attempt in earning a degree is Psychology was sabotaged and I honestly thought I would never be in this position of having a graduation date— with a SMART plan for each semester to see it through— you'd think that the people who witnessed the evolution of my Being would be somewhat happy for me; well it's the exact opposite.

The other day I was in a bit of a rage as I recall truly being sick of this life and wanting a new experience, many years I'd fantasize about a car crash, but from a lived experience I figure I'd come out unharmed with a debt I'd still be responsible for. The cancer diagnosis was kind of a sigh of relief, as I was secondary aging anyway I thought I'd just see it through without any intervention. To my surprise I refused chemotherapy while in the presence of someone who expressed some type of emotion as they heard my declaration to my primary care physician. So in a sense it was to appease those who claimed to love me, while "encouraging" me to "fight" and other such words which would denote care, concern, like, or even love. A part of me feels like they were saying those things yet secretly wanted to see how I'd whither away or go insane. Knowing some of these people, they probably placed bets; as after prayer, meditation, promises, and commitments with God; cancer was fought and won! 

It could have been a side- effect of some preventative medication and/ or factors within my lifestyle which created the opportunity to experience a stroke. That was a wake up call as I fully acknowledged the ways in which I was people- pleasing; or at least attempting to. The part that makes it cruel is to invite relationships into an intimate space and as that person is being a good friend or whatever, the other party not only criticizes said "friend" but they'll also make me feel unwanted, unappreciated, or overall "too much". It was within the past year and some months that I've been honest with myself about myself. I thought I was introverted and a loner, the truth is I love being social, having engaging conversations, hearing and learning alternative perspectives, or simply sharing kindness. I find myself alone, in silence, most of the time; I asked myself today, "it's always been this way, why are you feeling differently about it now?" and I still have no answer. 

As memories buried deep within my subconscious mind have resurfaced I recall feeling rejected by my 1st boyfriend when I felt ready to experience sex for the first time. Life happened and we reconnected when I was older and expressed the love that remained between us all those years later. The first night we ran into one another, he invited me to join him in his backyard to listen to music and talk. It was a moment I often replay in my mind, especially in my dreams. I haven't dreamt about him in so long because I wasn't sure if that was wrong in some way. The next time I was in his presence, he insisted on bringing me medicine for my cold, after telling him I'd be okay; there was a knock on my window [hence, the other blog: The World Outside My Window]. I don't recall the exact words expressed but they were of our future together. I was overjoyed as he was the first man other than my father that had such a large space in my heart. Night turned into Day a time or two and before I know it, he was gone. The funeral was honorable, as he was well respected by his loved ones, peers, colleagues, etc. I died that day; but I couldn't actually die because now I had a small child from a previous situation to take care of.

I've met men since then however, I am a homebody— introspective, inquisitive, sarcastic and a host of other traits some find "too much"— I say that to say, I am a choosy lover. Based on conversations with my Dad over the years before his passing I've grown to understand myself a bit differently. I find myself within nostalgia recalling "the talks" about boys and my response being "eww, I don't even like boys" each time the topic was brought up. As puberty turned into adolescence, the talks changed a bit as he would inform me of a friend being "in love with me"- of course these friends were other girls- I never knew how to respond so those remarks mostly went over my head.

That is until recently, I suppose. Although I began this expression months ago, I find that it being Bisexuality Visibility Day I'd dive a bit deeper into my sexuality within this space. As I've expressed on the blogs and limited social media expressions of being bisexual [to an extent] as I've rejoined "team abstinence" in the beginning of 2024. That was until August 2025 when I met a gentleman who intrigues me, the connection is otherworldly yet familiar- as if from another galaxy, universe, or lifetime. In case you are wondering what happened to "my lover"? I will simply state that our paths are currently in different directions at this time. As I accepted the reality of my circumstances as a nontraditional student, empty- nester, and for the most part healthy lady of a particular age; it was not much of a surprise when I organically met someone around the time of the Black Moon. The passionate philosophical "debates" coupled with the spicy way we dance in darkness stimulates aspects within my mind, body, and soul that renders me speechless. 

The other day he asked "what are you looking for?" as he is aware of my ambition toward my goals and the intensity in which I express myself; so far it seems as if there are a few matters time and collaboration may remedy. My answer was a companion to share conversations with, play in nature, engage in activities, and it just so happens the bonus of spectacular energy exchanges in the realm of sacred places. Within an introspective conversation lead by bipolar, dyslexia, OCD, and a few key lobes of the brain; I realized my madness [aka "bullshit"] interpreted from the overwhelming gratitude I have for each day. To many it comes across some type of way in which it is not intended yet the life I've existed in this incarnation has been an up- hill battle. As a Capricorn with a rather comical natal chart I was an adult from the mugshot which is my newborn photo. I began parenting myself around age 5 as I was raised by my maternal side in an emotional environment leaving me predisposed for various "triggers" concerning affection, love, security, intellectual exchanges resembling substance rather than mindless chatter. Whereas my paternal family is recognizably opposite; leaving a strong impact embedded into my core values and principles as those examples of the human experience is in alignment with the me I choose to be.

Life's shuffle allowed me to play the hand I am dealt however, enduring 44 years of undesirable treatment within interpersonal relationships in addition to health concerns [mental, physical, psychological, emotional, financial, etc.] leaving me to embrace the "fool's paradise" I've curated with The Most High. Inner child wound repair plus shadow work has awakened my inner children- who have been frozen in various lifetimes- igniting tenacity, determination, perseverance, capability, and a bit of selfishness to accomplish the goals within the blueprints of my dreams. As I also acknowledge the change from summer to autumn, I am compelled to take a moment to admire myself for the glow up I am experiencing. Not only have I began an in- person course this semester, I am currently on staff with my College's newspaper. I am dating a man along his unique spiritual journey where our paths are intertwined as of now. I am balancing my self expression as it has only been approximately one month while actively healing the dysfunction a broken heart can reveal.

The decades spent in the torment of unrequited love, limiting beliefs projected by others, along with other nuances regarding abuse, neglect, and abandonment. I am proud to share the love, kindness, accountability, and support my Father and I had within our relationship as well as the love ones we share through DNA has sustained me to realizing the woman I have become. While the Ancestors have begun initiating me into a better understanding of my gifts, talents, capabilities, dreams, etc. as I gain wisdom to fly toward the plans God has for me; in this lifetime. Notwithstanding, Earth has seen better days and will experience them again. I am hopeful, grateful, and in awe of the way in which God allows the universe and all that is to harmonize with us to fulfill our hearts desires. With that I would just like to share a thought about kindness...

The era in which I was raised is much different than modern times. I observed the changes in programing from the 1980s throughout the years of present day. The reference I will submit would be the first rule of "fight club", as we are all fighting battles [some of which are in silence] so simply show kindness to your fellow man [humanity] as well as nature. Remembering we are a part of creation, not The Creator. As a lovely quote from the philosopher, Rumi suggests, we are guests in the Earth therefore, we should honor her as we do the Sun [Divine Masculine] and enlighten those of us who have forgotten the Moon [Divine Feminine]. Rather than spending energy, anxiety, and focus on "Father Time" while neglecting "Mother Nature". Kindness goes a long way; not the respectability of niceties, but true care for another Soul experiencing humanity. You never know, it may be their first time!

Although, we are mortal in the flesh our Soul is not bound by manufactured "reality" or "intelligence"; we can do extraordinary things should we remember we have wings to fly and not whither away contributing to the accomplishments of others while our dreams die unrealized. It's 3 in the morning and I am excited to share these words with you all as it has been so long since I've written for pleasure. That leads me to another thought, but that'll have to wait for another day; I just pray I recall the feelings I wanted to express.

Until next time...

King Kamille