A Life’s Lesson

“Do not love half lovers

Do not entertain half friends 

Do not indulge in works of the half talented

Do not live half a life 

and do not die a half death

If you choose silence, then be silent

When you speak, do so until you are finished

Do not silence yourself to say something

And do not speak to be silent”

~ Half A Life by Khali Gibran

As you may know I’ve been more active with the blog, until recently when I had an encounter with someone who suggested I’m “too open”; I took a few days to contemplate those words. Unbeknownst to them I have been dealing with my issue of holding back, which interestingly enough was also mentioned by the same person not so long ago; when I shared a few of my previous blog entries. I was confused and a bit discouraged to continue when I realized, that’s their perception which deep down has nothing to do with me; even more so because the person making these “observations” chooses not to read the expressions I publish. I then had to look at myself and ask, why would I continue to hide or hold back based on someone’s opinion?

I recall a time when I would have done just that, which makes me proud of my growth. At times I’ve cared too much about other people’s opinions and what their perception of me was; all while purposely being aloof and omitting parts of my personality. I know it doesn’t make sense, but when your Sun is in Capricorn and you’re bipolar some things slip through the cracks of sanity, at times; at least for me. The day I was “informed” of the displeasure in my openness I was happy, bubbly even and as I reflect on the statement made I noticed within days I was on the brink of depression, I decided to take time away from social media even if only for a few hours. A few days later during my Scared Time (4am- 6am, daily) where I pray, meditate and reflect on things that have occurred I realized that some people in my life are so accustomed to me being melancholy it may be far-fetched or odd to see me in a natural state of happiness or joy. 

I’ve been a bit more talkative also which is new for me, with the exception of the blogs and possibly social media I rarely express my thoughts and feelings. I may make statements or discuss things I’ve read, but not so much my opinion. I don’t know exactly when that began or even why I choose to present myself that way. I do know however when I chose to stop; as I’ve said in “Venus on Display: New Beginnings”, being that way no longer serves me. My higher self wants more out of life than to live it half way; holding back, living in a box someone else “created” for me. I desire a life that has been lived. As I write these words I now recall when I really decided to be withdrawn; it was after the initial anxiety attack. That event truly changed me, and not completely for the better. I can clearly see some things that has shaped the course of my life; which lead to unhappiness, or disappointment in the not so distant past. I’ve chosen to take those lessons and the words of the above quote to live a life without further regrets.

I’ve been holding back in terms of relationships after my second boyfriend broke my heart; circa 1997. I pinpointed how my behavior changed and formed habits I still find difficult to “break”, at times. I’m working on that (in my head, because single).  I don’t think I’ve shared that with many people, the regrets I have; which are many. I’m learning to detached from that feeling; true, there have been a few missed opportunities, but some of the things I used to regret would not have changed (for the better) had I been more expressive of my feelings. I recently had a conversation with someone where mention of the past encounters were briefly discussed and from what I heard; nothing I did or didn’t do would have changed the outcome. I could be wrong, but that was my take away.  I don’t know if that’s due to my outdated philosophy regarding vulnerability or the fact that due to my emotional unavailability I’d chosen lovers who in a way were also emotionally unavailable with me. I no longer think many of those situations would have been different based on my level of openness. I now see how I may have romanticized circumstances to make me believe that had I shared my authentic self an unattainable space would be the opposite. This only added to unhappiness, disappointment and regret. 

I am done with regret, I see things differently now; especially with the philosophy that “nothing happens by chance”; why continue to live in a state of  “if only” or “woulda, coulda, shoulda”? How does that serve anyone? I want to say the words that are in my heart yet I want to condition it in a way that seems appropriate for the conversation, which to me seems like an altered form of the same issue I am learning to overcome. Many people in my life have shared the sentiment that I “choose my words wisely”, which is true yet what they are unaware of is the things I hoped my silence would say for me; like the above quote mentions, “ Do not silence yourself to say something”. To be honest, I’m tired of living that way; tired of fearing vulnerability. I crave the freedom of my full expression, whatever that is. Last year I discovered my love and talent for painting; something I’ve only shared with few people. When I paint I don’t over-think or take in consideration what others will say or think IF I were to allow them to see my art. I’m working on that a bit with the blog. I typically write and re-read the words an unnecessary amount of times prior to publishing and announcing the post on social media. The amount of time between the two has dwindled dramatically and I will admit that I am proud to see the progress. I am proud of myself for being able to embody as well as embrace these changes. 

Since my birthday this year I have noticed these changes and interestingly enough I am amazed that it only took me 6 months to share, in the past I would be overwhelmed with thoughts of over sharing. I believe I have gotten better at letting go of what I was afraid to allow others to see in me. I feel as if it’s time my true self flourish, although it has only begun to manifest outwardly; I can feel the glow. The past several years with mental illness has forced me to grow spiritually in a way I feel as if my soul desperately needed. I have been in this space before and I was at my happiest.  I feel more balanced, more accepting of some of the regrets I was holding onto. I think feeling like I missed out on something became so familiar I had to question who I am without that baggage. I feel as if a weight has been lifted; the fact that I was able to recognize a pattern of behavior and quickly correct it is encouraging. 

I pray I continue examining myself and learning who I really am. I am glad for the experience of the last few days, knowing I am on the right path for my life is refreshing. Thank you for following my journey, I also pray that you continue to find success along the journey you may find yourself on. Although others may not understand I believe we must push forward and become who our creator intended us to be. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨ 

Venus on Display: New Beginnings

As of late I’ve been adjusting to various changes in my life; including my mental health treatment strategies. After discontinuing my meds for a while I decided it was time to lower my dosage while micro-dosing medical marijuana, which brings me to my recent concoction: Blackwater, Black Jack, Mimosa, Sherberry Pie and Sour Diesel all of which cause various effects that I’m growing accustomed to. Many of the strains mentioned produce happiness, euphoria and uplifting effects; which are wonderfully a part of my current state of mind. 

Over the years with mental illnesses I’ve learned a lot about marijuana and how it helps me balance my emotions and such. One thing I did not expect from this cocktail has been a major enhancement to my ability to focus as well as create. For about 5 years I smoked sativa later preferring hybrids, which to me is good for the various conditions I face. I suppose there are many ways to think of marijuana as well as the philosophy associated with why a person partakes. Mine is a bit on the spiritual side as I often meditate before, during and after. 

Another thing that has really kept me in tune with myself has been my love for astrology and astronomy; especially the Moon. While at the beach several times this week I realized I hadn’t seen the Moon in quite some time, I then remembered that the Moon has been void for some time now; soon entering her New Moon phase. Which I find a bit bittersweet because although she’s still active in her role in the Universe she’s out of sight. I refer to the Moon as “she” or “her” due to the belief that the Moon harnesses divine feminine energy. I feel in synch with the Moon, I have for a very long time (see Summer Moon’s) I can’t quite put into words how my being is anticipating the energy of the upcoming New Moon, not completely knowing what to expect, especially with various planets in retrograde. 

I feel an awakening of sorts approaching; or perhaps my knowledge of said awakening means it’s already on the horizon. Due to insomnia I hadn’t realized I’ve been massaging my third eye for days now; so of course something is bound to activate... I took a break from writing this post to recharge and allow inspiration to give me the words to finish, when I was reminded of the Lion’s Gate Portal occurring August 8, 2020. With ascension symptoms along with insomnia I am feeling the energy on a larger scale than usual. I feel as if I’m recognizing aspects of myself for what seems to be the first time, however its all too familiar; possibly from a past life. 

I’m excited for all this time has to offer as far as enlightenment, alignment and creativity. I am hopeful for the possibilities of so many good things to occur.  I hope we all get the codes and other information necessary for ascension. I feel my chakras opening, some have been blocked for a while. I also feel as if I’m learning differently; it’s as if many of life’s lessons finally make sense to me. I believe that has also lead to my state of happiness, letting go of the things which no longer serves me while envisioning my purpose here on Earth; something I truly wish to embody along my current journey. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

also:

Venus on Display: Vulnerability, Pt. 1

Venus on Display: Vulnerability, Pt. 2

Retrogrades, Natal Charts and My Being

“Surround yourself with the things you love. Discard the rest.” 

Kate Spade

I feel as if I’ve had a rebirth of sorts, with Saturn Pluto Jupiter Neptune and Chiron in retrograde I’ve taken some time to revisit the meanings and effects of each. As I was reminded of some things I discovered why I’ve been feeling the way I have regarding matters of my heart, health and spirituality. I’ve also been studying my natal/ birth chart which seems to feel like the first time each time I read it. As I’ve learned the different aspects of myself I’ve learned to expect positive experiences when retrogrades occur. I wrote recently about not recalling the steps I took to lead me out of depression and into happiness and the above quote helped a lot. I started outward with candles and decorating then moved within to my thoughts and intentions. I devoted myself to the philosophy of self-love and self-care. 

I began to nurture my inner child and re-examine the voids or areas of neglect which created certain behavior and expectations. I can see my growth and it encourages me to continue along this journey back to my self. With my ruling planet in retrograde I’ve felt an intense energy to redefine boundaries, however with other aspects of my birth chart I can feel myself expanding and figuring out parts of me I couldn’t quite explain. For example: it’s my Venus in Pisces which “privately has a love affair going with the idea of being misunderstood” according to its placement in my chart composed by Cafe Astrology.  Along with my Moon in Aquarius which to me explains my sometimes bratty behavior and wishy washy approach to things I find meaningless or boring. Knowing that about myself and my love for astronomy and astrology helps me keep myself in check; by staying in tune with the happenings of the Cosmos.

I then checked my “self-talk” to see what I’m thinking, what I’m saying to myself and how I choose to express that. I began truly surrounding myself with things, words and expressions of love. I suppose that may be what caused my heart to desire it as it has. Although I am still working on my fitness and body goals I have come to accept the current reality while envisioning the way I see myself, physically. Taking each moment “in the now” has helped tremendously. I realized while I was preoccupied with my mental, spiritual and financial health I’d neglected my physical health to an extent. Now that I’ve relocated I am able to walk at the beach, hike and enjoy other activities I was “deprived” of, in a sense. I feel as if I’m going to burst into the woman of my dreams and I am excited to do the “work” to make that happen. 

I guess my happiness is an extension of that: self-care, self-love and positive self-talk; at least that is what seemed to work for me. I hope you are finding the current state of the Cosmos enlightening and a time to review and possibly reimagine your desires. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

Ice Queen

“She tried to keep herself away from everything that touches her feelings. She was afraid of the idea of love; that warm feeling has threaten her frozen heart.” - Sauuvagee (on tumblr)

When I think of the times I’ve been “in love” I realize many times that was not the case at all. How can you be in love with someone yet you’re holding back? Holding back words, feelings, actions... your authenticity. I used to refer to myself as an “Ice Princess”, that was many Moon’s ago, now I know how I’ve kept her with me and allowed her to grow; although I can now say the words, I love you; it’s mainly to family, not even friends and rarely to a lover. I know now that I am afraid of love, of truly, deeply, passionately, loving someone. I tried it before and to be honest it broke my heart. I thought beyond repair, but as they say “time heals all wounds”.

Imagine being deeply in love with someone and in the midst of it all they pass away... how can a heart love after that? I thought I could, but I often think of him; I see him in my dreams; which is why insomnia and I have become besties. I can’t handle it all of the time. Since then I’ve experienced heartbreak and heartache, but not as intense or long lasting. So my heart has been frozen in time, frozen to openness and ultimately frozen to truly allowing myself to be seen, authentic, loving. 

In past relationships I’ve been able to do sweet or nice things, but I didn’t necessarily do loving things; on purpose. I did not want love in it’s true form so I settled for lust or infatuation and attention. I read a quote some time ago and it resonated so deeply within I recently posted it on my instagram; it says: 

Study me as much as you like, you will not know me, for I differ in a hundred ways from what you see me to be. Put yourself behind my eyes and see me as I see myself, for I have chosen to dwell in a place you cannot see.''~ Rumi  

The idea of allowing people to perceive me a particular way has never bothered me before. I liked being mysterious; even misunderstood. I did not want anyone to really know me as I know myself; I suppose I am now at a crossroad because I’m leaning towards that desire; to know someone and to allow them to know me. 

I suppose it’s a choice; like I’ve chosen not to be that way I can now chose, love. Understanding that with that comes vulnerability, and many of you know how I feel about that concept. In therapy last year I dissected my “issues”, the things that may have been problematic in “relationships” and I do admit to being that way intentionally with the exception of undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Many of my “wishy washy” ways were due to not wanting to be known and the other percentage was a disorder I was unaware of, until recent years. So how do I mend this pattern of behavior? After so many years I feel as if it’s a familiar habit that I find hard to break. 

I find myself saying things however true, omits certain context or full experiences; I think it’s to seem aloof which causes a certain perception of me that has kept arms distance in a sense. Which has been perfect until now; back to that crossroad, I seem to desire companionship yet I love being single. I want to know someone however I still feel as if I want to control how they know me. I don’t know why I am this way; I had to get a new therapist so I have not gone into that depth, but I am at a point where I want to know. I want to truly heal my heart and allow the “Ice Queen” to melt. 

The thought of the person who comes along and contributes to that occurrence has me scared, for someone to see my heart and not take advantage of it or cause any unpleasant experiences seems unrealistic or fairytale like. Then I wonder “am I just being pessimistic and jaded?” 

Funny, the Al Green song comes to mind, “How can you mend a broken heart?”, but the thing is, for the first time in a long time my heart isn’t broken; so I ask myself, “why take the chance?” And I have yet to come up with an answer. I don’t know why my heart is craving this level of intimacy at this time. I also don’t know how worthwhile it is to open myself up to that. I mean, I’ve loved and been loved; it was great while I was in it, but once it was over I was left with a heart that felt closed. What’s the chance of that happening again? Am I willing to take that risk? 

Some days I laugh about my heart being frozen and how it keeps me protected in a sense. However, recently I’m wondering if my heart truly desires something more than I’ve allowed it to experience or am I just romanticizing the idea of being in a couple... which is something I am unsure I want. I think I need to hold off a little longer until my head and my heart are truly on the same page; or at least in the same book. Until then I’ll attempt to allow myself to open up more, be more transparent and let my authentic self shine; if love comes in the mix we’ll cross that bridge then. 

Kamille 💗✨

An evolution of happiness

“fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.”

- William Wordsworth

Since the onset of mental illnesses and the events thereafter I have struggled with knowing the desires of my heart. I have learned myself in new ways; ways I am unsure I would've learned had I not experienced the things which brought me to the journey I find myself on. Recently, I've been thinking about happiness and what it means/ how it looks to me and I must admit it has been more difficult than I expected. As I spoke with my tarot reader not long ago; we discussed happiness and it was suggested that I may actually be afraid to be happy, which wasn't much of a surprise. I realized that quite some time ago, various series of events lead to the feelings I was associating as a side effect of being happy.

I remembered at the time I was happiest however simultaneously I was being sabotaged in one area of life and betrayed in another; which lead to some of the saddest times of my life. The who, what, when, where and why's aren't important, but the emotions associated with such things has lead to symptoms which suggest PTSD. I came to think that being happy would attract all of the things I make efforts to steer clear of.

I began this expression last year around this time, I suppose it took this long to continue due to the work necessary to overcome that fear. The fear of allowing myself to be happy. I find myself in an unfamiliar space; deep in feelings of optimism and joy. I can’t recall the specific steps taken to get to this point, however I do know it took a lot of self-care and self-love. I now know some of what my heart desires, which is refreshing.

I find myself wanting to burst with excitement for all of the potential I see within myself. After a bit of redirection; in another city, with its own air and sounds. Yet, I know it here, the way it moves and how it feels and I will admit basking in feelings of nostalgia. I think over the past several years I’ve come to miss this feeling. It’s somewhat like a refresher however since I’ve evolved a bit over time I can now see with an alternate perspective. I pray as time goes on I don’t lose this feeling again; I feel as if I’ve learned how to better understand my self, the triggers and their effects. I’m looking forward to seeing my self continue to evolve until I see the woman within as I look out.

Blessings,
Kamille 💗✨