A Life’s Lesson

“Do not love half lovers

Do not entertain half friends 

Do not indulge in works of the half talented

Do not live half a life 

and do not die a half death

If you choose silence, then be silent

When you speak, do so until you are finished

Do not silence yourself to say something

And do not speak to be silent”

~ Half A Life by Khali Gibran

As you may know I’ve been more active with the blog, until recently when I had an encounter with someone who suggested I’m “too open”; I took a few days to contemplate those words. Unbeknownst to them I have been dealing with my issue of holding back, which interestingly enough was also mentioned by the same person not so long ago; when I shared a few of my previous blog entries. I was confused and a bit discouraged to continue when I realized, that’s their perception which deep down has nothing to do with me; even more so because the person making these “observations” chooses not to read the expressions I publish. I then had to look at myself and ask, why would I continue to hide or hold back based on someone’s opinion?

I recall a time when I would have done just that, which makes me proud of my growth. At times I’ve cared too much about other people’s opinions and what their perception of me was; all while purposely being aloof and omitting parts of my personality. I know it doesn’t make sense, but when your Sun is in Capricorn and you’re bipolar some things slip through the cracks of sanity, at times; at least for me. The day I was “informed” of the displeasure in my openness I was happy, bubbly even and as I reflect on the statement made I noticed within days I was on the brink of depression, I decided to take time away from social media even if only for a few hours. A few days later during my Scared Time (4am- 6am, daily) where I pray, meditate and reflect on things that have occurred I realized that some people in my life are so accustomed to me being melancholy it may be far-fetched or odd to see me in a natural state of happiness or joy. 

I’ve been a bit more talkative also which is new for me, with the exception of the blogs and possibly social media I rarely express my thoughts and feelings. I may make statements or discuss things I’ve read, but not so much my opinion. I don’t know exactly when that began or even why I choose to present myself that way. I do know however when I chose to stop; as I’ve said in “Venus on Display: New Beginnings”, being that way no longer serves me. My higher self wants more out of life than to live it half way; holding back, living in a box someone else “created” for me. I desire a life that has been lived. As I write these words I now recall when I really decided to be withdrawn; it was after the initial anxiety attack. That event truly changed me, and not completely for the better. I can clearly see some things that has shaped the course of my life; which lead to unhappiness, or disappointment in the not so distant past. I’ve chosen to take those lessons and the words of the above quote to live a life without further regrets.

I’ve been holding back in terms of relationships after my second boyfriend broke my heart; circa 1997. I pinpointed how my behavior changed and formed habits I still find difficult to “break”, at times. I’m working on that (in my head, because single).  I don’t think I’ve shared that with many people, the regrets I have; which are many. I’m learning to detached from that feeling; true, there have been a few missed opportunities, but some of the things I used to regret would not have changed (for the better) had I been more expressive of my feelings. I recently had a conversation with someone where mention of the past encounters were briefly discussed and from what I heard; nothing I did or didn’t do would have changed the outcome. I could be wrong, but that was my take away.  I don’t know if that’s due to my outdated philosophy regarding vulnerability or the fact that due to my emotional unavailability I’d chosen lovers who in a way were also emotionally unavailable with me. I no longer think many of those situations would have been different based on my level of openness. I now see how I may have romanticized circumstances to make me believe that had I shared my authentic self an unattainable space would be the opposite. This only added to unhappiness, disappointment and regret. 

I am done with regret, I see things differently now; especially with the philosophy that “nothing happens by chance”; why continue to live in a state of  “if only” or “woulda, coulda, shoulda”? How does that serve anyone? I want to say the words that are in my heart yet I want to condition it in a way that seems appropriate for the conversation, which to me seems like an altered form of the same issue I am learning to overcome. Many people in my life have shared the sentiment that I “choose my words wisely”, which is true yet what they are unaware of is the things I hoped my silence would say for me; like the above quote mentions, “ Do not silence yourself to say something”. To be honest, I’m tired of living that way; tired of fearing vulnerability. I crave the freedom of my full expression, whatever that is. Last year I discovered my love and talent for painting; something I’ve only shared with few people. When I paint I don’t over-think or take in consideration what others will say or think IF I were to allow them to see my art. I’m working on that a bit with the blog. I typically write and re-read the words an unnecessary amount of times prior to publishing and announcing the post on social media. The amount of time between the two has dwindled dramatically and I will admit that I am proud to see the progress. I am proud of myself for being able to embody as well as embrace these changes. 

Since my birthday this year I have noticed these changes and interestingly enough I am amazed that it only took me 6 months to share, in the past I would be overwhelmed with thoughts of over sharing. I believe I have gotten better at letting go of what I was afraid to allow others to see in me. I feel as if it’s time my true self flourish, although it has only begun to manifest outwardly; I can feel the glow. The past several years with mental illness has forced me to grow spiritually in a way I feel as if my soul desperately needed. I have been in this space before and I was at my happiest.  I feel more balanced, more accepting of some of the regrets I was holding onto. I think feeling like I missed out on something became so familiar I had to question who I am without that baggage. I feel as if a weight has been lifted; the fact that I was able to recognize a pattern of behavior and quickly correct it is encouraging. 

I pray I continue examining myself and learning who I really am. I am glad for the experience of the last few days, knowing I am on the right path for my life is refreshing. Thank you for following my journey, I also pray that you continue to find success along the journey you may find yourself on. Although others may not understand I believe we must push forward and become who our creator intended us to be. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨