Ice Queen

“She tried to keep herself away from everything that touches her feelings. She was afraid of the idea of love; that warm feeling has threaten her frozen heart.” - Sauuvagee (on tumblr)

When I think of the times I’ve been “in love” I realize many times that was not the case at all. How can you be in love with someone yet you’re holding back? Holding back words, feelings, actions... your authenticity. I used to refer to myself as an “Ice Princess”, that was many Moon’s ago, now I know how I’ve kept her with me and allowed her to grow; although I can now say the words, I love you; it’s mainly to family, not even friends and rarely to a lover. I know now that I am afraid of love, of truly, deeply, passionately, loving someone. I tried it before and to be honest it broke my heart. I thought beyond repair, but as they say “time heals all wounds”.

Imagine being deeply in love with someone and in the midst of it all they pass away... how can a heart love after that? I thought I could, but I often think of him; I see him in my dreams; which is why insomnia and I have become besties. I can’t handle it all of the time. Since then I’ve experienced heartbreak and heartache, but not as intense or long lasting. So my heart has been frozen in time, frozen to openness and ultimately frozen to truly allowing myself to be seen, authentic, loving. 

In past relationships I’ve been able to do sweet or nice things, but I didn’t necessarily do loving things; on purpose. I did not want love in it’s true form so I settled for lust or infatuation and attention. I read a quote some time ago and it resonated so deeply within I recently posted it on my instagram; it says: 

Study me as much as you like, you will not know me, for I differ in a hundred ways from what you see me to be. Put yourself behind my eyes and see me as I see myself, for I have chosen to dwell in a place you cannot see.''~ Rumi  

The idea of allowing people to perceive me a particular way has never bothered me before. I liked being mysterious; even misunderstood. I did not want anyone to really know me as I know myself; I suppose I am now at a crossroad because I’m leaning towards that desire; to know someone and to allow them to know me. 

I suppose it’s a choice; like I’ve chosen not to be that way I can now chose, love. Understanding that with that comes vulnerability, and many of you know how I feel about that concept. In therapy last year I dissected my “issues”, the things that may have been problematic in “relationships” and I do admit to being that way intentionally with the exception of undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Many of my “wishy washy” ways were due to not wanting to be known and the other percentage was a disorder I was unaware of, until recent years. So how do I mend this pattern of behavior? After so many years I feel as if it’s a familiar habit that I find hard to break. 

I find myself saying things however true, omits certain context or full experiences; I think it’s to seem aloof which causes a certain perception of me that has kept arms distance in a sense. Which has been perfect until now; back to that crossroad, I seem to desire companionship yet I love being single. I want to know someone however I still feel as if I want to control how they know me. I don’t know why I am this way; I had to get a new therapist so I have not gone into that depth, but I am at a point where I want to know. I want to truly heal my heart and allow the “Ice Queen” to melt. 

The thought of the person who comes along and contributes to that occurrence has me scared, for someone to see my heart and not take advantage of it or cause any unpleasant experiences seems unrealistic or fairytale like. Then I wonder “am I just being pessimistic and jaded?” 

Funny, the Al Green song comes to mind, “How can you mend a broken heart?”, but the thing is, for the first time in a long time my heart isn’t broken; so I ask myself, “why take the chance?” And I have yet to come up with an answer. I don’t know why my heart is craving this level of intimacy at this time. I also don’t know how worthwhile it is to open myself up to that. I mean, I’ve loved and been loved; it was great while I was in it, but once it was over I was left with a heart that felt closed. What’s the chance of that happening again? Am I willing to take that risk? 

Some days I laugh about my heart being frozen and how it keeps me protected in a sense. However, recently I’m wondering if my heart truly desires something more than I’ve allowed it to experience or am I just romanticizing the idea of being in a couple... which is something I am unsure I want. I think I need to hold off a little longer until my head and my heart are truly on the same page; or at least in the same book. Until then I’ll attempt to allow myself to open up more, be more transparent and let my authentic self shine; if love comes in the mix we’ll cross that bridge then. 

Kamille 💗✨