An evolution of happiness

By -
“fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.”
- William Wordsworth

Since the onset of mental illnesses and the events thereafter I have struggled with knowing the desires of my heart. I have learned myself in new ways; ways I am unsure I would've learned had I not experienced the things which brought me to the journey I find myself on. Recently, I've been thinking about happiness and what it means/ how it looks to me and I must admit it has been more difficult than I expected. As I spoke with my tarot reader not long ago; we discussed happiness and it was suggested that I may actually be afraid to be happy, which wasn't much of a surprise. I realized that quite some time ago, various series of events lead to the feelings I was associating as a side effect of being happy.

I remembered at the time I was happiest however simultaneously I was being sabotaged in one area of life and betrayed in another; which lead to some of the saddest times of my life. The who, what, when, where and why's aren't important, but the emotions associated with such things has lead to symptoms which suggest PTSD. I came to think that being happy would attract all of the things I make efforts to steer clear of.

I began this expression last year around this time, I suppose it took this long to continue due to the work necessary to overcome that fear. The fear of allowing myself to be happy. I find myself in an unfamiliar space; deep in feelings of optimism and joy. I can’t recall the specific steps taken to get to this point, however I do know it took a lot of self-care and self-love. I now know some of what my heart desires, which is refreshing.

I find myself wanting to burst with excitement for all of the potential I see within myself. After a bit of redirection; in another city, with its own air and sounds. Yet, I know it here, the way it moves and how it feels and I will admit basking in feelings of nostalgia. I think over the past several years I’ve come to miss this feeling. It’s somewhat like a refresher however since I’ve evolved a bit over time I can now see with an alternate perspective. I pray as time goes on I don’t lose this feeling again; I feel as if I’ve learned how to better understand my self, the triggers and their effects. I’m looking forward to seeing my self continue to evolve until I see the woman within as I look out.

Blessings,
Kamille 💗✨


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

let's work it out

By -
I was hesitant to share this, but what good would that do in documenting my story if I were not honest?  Approximately 2016, I did not love myself very much; I was unhappy with various aspects of my life and began to make poor physical health decisions. Including beginning smoking cigarettes and other unhealthy habits regarding meal choices. Although I wrote on the blogs a few times, once on the first blog which was entitled "Getting Over vs. Going Through"  this post was so vague I hardly remember what I was getting over, well I do know what I was attempting to get over, but I barely recall what I was going through. After a few months of self-care and self-love I wrote an expression titled "The Moon, My Soul & Love: An Introduction"   by spending so much time and effort on my mental health due to the conditions I found myself with I had neglected by body and now I am reaping the outcome of that. Not as a punishment, but as a reality of what happens when a perso
Read more

desire

By -
- a longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment. dictionary Initially I was going to write something for my lover; I decided against it however, I thought of another aspect of desire to share with you. Monday was the first day of my last Fall courses along with my return to fitness. My desire has become a healthy body and a few other private goals, so beginning these enhancements has come to bring enjoyment to my life. I began my fitness journey by walking a little over a mile; I intend to gradually increase the distance. I walked again Tuesday, staying consistent with my "little over a mile" I find myself impressed with the fact that I walked, almost nonstop with no music. A friend and I have taken two "trails" thus far, walking, talking sometimes while silent other times. The plan is to use an app called "All Trails" and choose various trails to "hike" about three times per week, choosing different trails pre
Read more

you'll be alright

By -
 "don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. unfold your own myth." Rumi Since disclosing my diagnosis and treatment plan I find many people have been supportive while others have been distant and few have shared their experiences or the experiences of loved ones, which are appreciated. I will be beginning chemotherapy this week and I will admit, I am scared and nervous; I don't know what to expect and although most side effects are common knowledge I am uncertain of how my being will respond to such treatments. I wish I could fast forward this year yet another part of me wants to cherish each moment and "make them count" for whatever reason. I recognize this is simply a stage along my journey, then the thought of where the journey leads comes to mind. As time passes by I am unsure of this journey I find myself on, perhaps the destination is where my spirituality leads me? I recall some time in 2013 I believe, I had a sort of awakeni
Read more