a month in the making

I've gone to the beach four (4) times in three (3) days, all of which were magical; especially because I spent time with the Moon while there. I also had a couple of cannabis infused beverages while relaxing at the beach, I love watching the surfer's; but they haven't been out as much as they were earlier in the Summer. It's already September! The time seemed to fly by, especially once I registered for college. I believe I'm already in week four (4); beginning one of the more challenging assignments that I truly do not feel like doing, at least the main part of it. It seems so tedious and I am not in the mood, however in addition to the three (3) units I want for this class I have a goal of getting an "A" as well; so I must do it and give it my best, that is when I feel more in the mood.

So my Grammie turned ninety (90) years old the other day, I went out of town to visit with her since she's so close. I also have plans with another relative who lives in said town. I'm very much a "homebody', however times like this requires me to get out of my comfort zone. I've always been an introvert, but with the pandemic I've grown fonder of being home or with family. I actually went to the mall recently, but I went straight to the stores I went to visit and came back out. That was a lot for me, seeing how I rarely go to such public places these days. Being around crowds gives me such anxiety I tend to shy away from them. 

I completed my assignment and I feel good about what I shared. I was also able to spend time with the Moon, which was Full and as beautiful as ever. It rained recently, I love the rain; well, when I don't have to drive in it for a long distance. The music is playing, however I ran out of my favorite vanilla incense. I forget the name of the store that I purchased them from, I just know it by memory when I visit a particular mall in a nearby city. I intend to go to that part of town soon so I plan to remember to pick some up. I haven't been to those stores since my tarot reader began working for himself.

Not only did I complete the assignment for this week, I completed next week's assignment as well. So now I have nothing to do, which I dislike; because I know it's a man made construct, but I feel like I should be "doing" something; yet I have nothing to "do". I'm just "being" and that's how it's "supposed" to be in the spiritual aspect of who we are. I don't know if I'm not used to it or if it makes me uncomfortable? Or perhaps a combination of the two? I thought taking a class would occupy more of my time, but unfortunately it doesn't. I won't complain about that because I know I will have more to do next semester. I've gotten "A"s on all of my graded assignments thus far and my professor says I'm a "strong writer" and that she is looking forward to reading my next submission; of course that made my day!

When I attempted to attend college after high school I was ill prepared, I also faced various challenges that made it difficult to give it my all. Resulting in getting a job and working without thinking about going back; that is until 2015, however with anxiety and such I panicked when I was informed I'd have to attend in person rather than online as originally planned. So again, I dropped my classes and went on with life; until extreme boredom gave me the thought to try again recently. It just so happened that I got the idea a week before classes started, I was able to get the majority of my business handled prior to my first day of my course. The astronomy course begins next month and I am excited to learn about stars and galaxies! I've always been fascinated by the Universe so getting to know more about it and the course counts towards my transfer credit is a bonus. 

I've been writing this expression for nearly a month, I want it to be complete so I can publish; but I don't know where it's going or even have a title as of yet. As I sit in bed, listening to music I felt compelled to write something, I just don't know what that is; so as usual I'll allow my fingers the room to flourish and see what comes...

I'm a week ahead with my assignments for the course I am taking and as stated earlier, excited for my astronomy course beginning in a few weeks. I've been basking in the success of my school life a lot because another area has been falling short; my "love life" has been a bit disappointing lately. I've asked myself "what energy am I exuding to attract disappointing outcomes?" and the answer came from a book I flip through on occasion, "The Energy of Emotions" by Emily Maroutian; where it speaks of the pessimists, where the writer suggests that doubt, disappointment and skepticism are all a form of the same energy. I've been skeptical of my lover; not in a sense of "is he being honest?", but more so if our plans will go as stated and there's always been a bit of doubt while anticipating the date. Then when something "comes up" I feel as if I were "prepared" for it to happen that way. Which was the energy I was attempting (poorly) to avoid. Although we can not control the circumstances of another we can control ourselves. The doubt or skepticism of wondering if I'll see him on said day and time leaves room for "comfort" when it doesn't happen. The idea is that perhaps subconsciously the seed of doubt comes in and makes peace with the situation so when disappointment comes I feel as if "I knew this would happen this way".

To be optimistic regarding our plans seems "too" hopeful; while the possibility of them not taking place seems more "realistic". Which is partly why I've experienced said outcomes; because it's all the same energy; doubt, disappointment, etc. From what I understand the author to have said is that being in the energy of doubt leaves room for disappointment to come in and not "shake things up" because "I knew it!" It's all manifestation in the end, the doubt manifests disappointment; the same with worry and such. They say "worry is like praying for an outcome you don't want." In analyzing my love life I must recognize the energy I bring to the table and ask myself if I am in some way sabotaging myself. As a Capricorn Sun (astrology) it is said that we are "born pessimists" and I find that to be somewhat true, it's as if "we" are always looking for "the other shoe to drop"; especially if/when things are going well. 

When I am anticipating seeing him I begin to have such anxiety; like yesterday, I vomited and had to take a probiotic to "settle" my stomach. The pressure I felt to perform was a bit too much at the time and I believe subconsciously I was hoping to find a way out of it. Although I truly wanted to spend time with him I was feeling a little insecure and fearful, sometimes I think the more time he spends with me the more he'll realize something about me that he doesn't like. We don't have those conversations, honestly I don't have this conversation with anyone it's just coming out as my fingers express the thoughts of my heart. I fear he'll leave me or maybe he doesn't really want to see me for some reason. That's when skepticism comes in and says "other things are more important than our time together". As I typed those words I realize I don't believe that to be true, I don't even know where that comes from, maybe fear or insecurity? 

However I do recognize that I do not wish to feel this way any longer, doubtful, anxiety filled and disappointed. Friday, I was in a bad mood; because our plans failed. Saturday, I saw the effort, but again something came up. I was mad for a moment then came understanding; I feel as if anxiety, fear and doubt manifested the outcome which would keep me in my comfort zone. Today I realize a conversation should be had, but for now I don't have the words to say. While on my end I am going to improve upon this doubt and worry that seems to be sabotaging what I really want. I am glad this came up during the New Moon as it is said to be an introspective time and represents new beginnings as well as a time to set clear intentions and such. I feel as if today is a new day and everything before now is in the past, not in a sense that it doesn't matter, but more like a chance for a fresh start with more clarity and understanding. My desire is for things to work out for the both of us and I am willing to reevaluate my thoughts, feelings, emotions and how these things are working together to bring forth the results of the past few months.

I took a moment to find my thought and what came to me is, "do I really want to be happy?"; then "do I feel I deserve to be happy?" and if so, why am I subconsciously doing things that create unhappiness? Where does that come from? What limiting beliefs do I have concerning relationships that create such anxiety and doubt? How do I discover and overcome those beliefs? My friends think I need to meet another lover, my response is "I need another lover like I need a hole in my head". After dealing with my "man friend" I've discovered I don't want to "see what's out there"; at least not at this time. Aside from spending more time with my lover, I am happy with my situation and adding another will only complicate that. I feel as if I don't have the emotional or mental capacity to entertain another man and his personality right now. I want to get things on the right track with my lover and enjoy him and only him. 

The question comes to mind, "what does my heart desire?" and as I ponder the thought I am immediately reminded of the interaction with my lover a few years back; where we spent enough quality time together and how felt as if nothing was lacking. Many years has passed since then as well as a change of circumstances, but I feel as if we can get to a space similar to that because we were there before. After four (4) years apart we have grown so I don't expect things to be the same as they once were, but I do know that we are learning one another and the people we have become. That doesn't magically happen within a few months, it takes time and communication. I've learned from this weekend areas where I am manifesting outcomes I do not wish to experience and calling it reality; when it doesn't have to be this way. It can be as beautiful as I envision it to be and that will take some effort on my part, I don't feel as if I have been doing the minimum, but I do know I can improve on a few things when it comes to communication such as avoiding the difficult conversations and only being one or two aspects of myself. 

I have some questions to answer for myself and intentions to set in alignment with the life I desire. I feel as if I've made the first step with going back to college and putting forth my best effort in the course I'm taking. Deciding to pursue a degree has been the biggest commitment I've made in a very long time. As the music plays and I take a few sips of my cannabis infused coffee, I feel a bit free; realizing the major revelation discovered through writing this expression. As sacred time begins I pray for family, friends as well as family of friend; hoping for peace and happiness. I feel delighted to start the day and feel the effects of my concoction! I also pray for the words to express to my lover; a friend told me of a time when he experienced a similar situation where he was on the "offending" end and the offended party made him "feel like shit", that is not my goal or intention. My desired outcome is clarity, understanding and better communication moving forward. 

I think it's time I come to terms with and be honest about the relationship I truly want. A family member feels as if I am "settling", however did not fully express in what ways, yet she asked "do you want another twenty (20) years of the same thing?". When I reminisce, I am reminded of the years where we were on and I can't fully remember when we fell off at times other than when I was seeking something from another and shifted focus; I imagine he had times of the same. That is why I don't wish to go back into the dating pool, I don't want to shift my focus, I want to invest in this relationship and see what possibilities are to come. While I was upset on Friday, I thought "perhaps I should give him space to reevaluate his situation" but that will just be giving up on what we could have. I believe that is the outcome anxiety, doubt and skepticism is expecting; throwing in the towel at the first instance of things not going "my way". Something that I've done too many times in this life, letting go of what I want out of fear that I'll lose it anyway. 

I have a thought to chug my coffee since it's cooled off considerably in order to expedite the effects of the cannabis oil, but from experience micro-dosing is best. Self improvement is something that is really important to me, I feel as if this situation is teaching me an area where I need to evolve, I've outgrown the defense mechanisms of the past; seeing how the ones associated with relationships have not panned out the way I envisioned them. As we enter the last quarter of the year and my new age is quickly approaching I feel as if it's time to take that leap. A deep dive into my feelings, pulling out what I've been afraid to face when it comes to romance; I consider myself a "hopeful romantic" yet I often shy away from saying and doing things that would "prove" that to be true. I must ask myself, "where are areas in my mind that circumvent a healthy romantic relationship?" and "how can I release these limiting beliefs?". I know that I want to love and be loved, at times however I don't always know what that looks like. 

I've been awake for hours, wishing I could text him and say the things my heart feels, but it's too early. I wish he were here and I was in his arms, looking deeply into his eyes. Wanting to feel wanted, he does that very well; making me feel as if he wants me in the same ways that I want him. I know he means it, I know him to be an honest person, saying what he means and being straight forward so I don't question that. It's the part that anxiety toys with, especially since realizing my "man friend" is a liar; anxiety and doubt tries to generalize to have me believe I'm being lied to. That it's a game to make me feel "stupid" for loving and/or trusting someone. I know that is a fear, but what I didn't know is that I felt that way; until I just typed it. As I await daylight, I feel better than I did when I began writing this expression; I feel as if a lot of insight was discovered. I intend to write in my creative journal detailing my intentions for my love life; I am not completely certain why that is the topic of the day, but here we are.

The expression "sometimes you break my heart" comes to mind, as I read the words shared I was reminded of the years my heart was broken because he was no longer a part of my life. I recall yearning for him, wishing he'd text and end the void of the space he once filled. I didn't share on this blog from October 2017 until May 2019, partly due to whatever circumstances I was facing at the time in addition to the beginning of our time away from one another. The good thing about that period of time is that I actually reevaluated myself and after the many years of sharing on the blogs I knew where I needed to heal. Although I did not know what that looked like, I was determined to prepare myself to receive and accept love. As expressed in the first post after the hiatus, "out of hibernation"; the thing about healing is, it is a constant occurrence. There is always some aspect of ourselves in need of healing, no matter how minor or significant. Today, through writing I learned areas within me which require some love, energy, prayer and mindfulness. I intend to have an impromptu "Kamille Appreciation Day" focusing on my inner child and what she may be able to enlighten me to. 

This expression is longer than I knew it would be and a title has yet to come to me. As I take another sip of my lukewarm coffee, I am reminded that we are in Mercury Retrograde in addition to Jupiter, Neptune, Pluto, Saturn, Uranus and Chiron! Not using astrology as an "excuse" for the events of the current weekend, but to put things into perspective for myself, I believe astrology adds insight to enlightenment and awakenings. I find it interesting that I was able to express myself in this way during a Full Moon and cover the concepts I've shared regarding healing and areas in need of attention while Chiron (the wounded healer) is retrograde. The level of care and concern I want to extend is something I've never gave much thought, I'm typically mindful as well as thoughtful; however this time I feel as if I want to be deliberate and honest. I do not want to be reactionary, I understand that is for the highest good of no one and will only cause miscommunication while Mercury is retrograde. 

I visited with my psychic recently and had a very in-depth conversation, the tarot spread gave me information confirming many of my thoughts, feelings and prayers as well as insight into decisions I am contemplating. I believe it was perfect timing with the energy cleanse I participated in nearly two (2) weeks ago, along with the retrogrades and New Moon. As I mentioned in "on course", I have made a conscious effort to be more engaged in my spiritual practices; I am happy to say I am seeing things align. I had a thought about manifestation and low vibrations, I'm beginning to understand that lower energy may be "easier" to accept than to believe "far fetched" things, whatever those things may be. It takes a lot of faith, trust, honesty and energy to manifest things you subconsciously believe you may not "deserve". I feel at times society conditions us from a young age to "expect the worst" rather than the optimistic notion that "everything is always working out for us". I'm constantly reminding myself of the later, everything is always working out for me! Now that I am aware of what's creating fear and anxiety I can tell myself that "all things work together for the good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) 

I feel as if this expression could be divided into two parts, but I don't want to separate the train of thoughts. The music is paused for the moment, I am basking in the joys of this morning; feeling euphoric! I haven't finished my coffee, at this point I am pacing myself because I feel the effects strongly. I had an errand, but decided to push it off until a later date, today is "Kamille Appreciation Day" so I'll be spending it indulging in self-care. I've been awake since nearly 1:30 am, I figure I'll take a nap in an hour or two once I figure out a title for what I've shared. In this moment I feel tuned into the energy of gratitude, my goal is to build upon that energy spending the day in thankfulness and love...

I hope you all are enjoying your weekend, taking the necessary time for self-care, prayer, meditation and such. Until next time.