"The pen writes, but the heart shapes the words."
— Persian Proverb
In this moment I realize the events of the other day caused me to experience a multitude of emotions. As the day begun, I already knew I had a workshop at my school, in preparation for Summer and Fall Semesters. Since I have anxiety challenges, I tend to check in with myself often; during those moments I am intentional with my prayers and meditation, as I prepared to arrive. For me, anxiety challenges also include social anxiety; as I got myself together for the drive I felt anxious and excited. As I drove, I shifted between prayer and meditation. My philosophy regarding such is that prayer is when I petition, ask, or request knowledge, wisdom, understanding, etc. from God; while meditation is when I listen for or recognize when God is talking to me. I've acknowledged an aspect within myself of having the desire to "control" everything; navigating in this experience I now recognize how that no longer aligns with the Woman I am becoming. I've been listening to different streaming services more often than my go-to app. I chose to listen to my preferred app many Moons ago, as a way to allow myself the space to tune into my vibe; especially while I'm driving with the responsibility of being authentic while managing anxiety in a social setting, I typically listen to one that allows for more guidance regarding the queue. So as I am driving various songs play [although I have the ability to "skip", I am unaware of what's to come]; nevertheless, the emotions range from anxious to inspired, creative, hopeful, with moments of grief, but overall "happy". Leading to the time of arrival, nervousness was present however, so was confidence and I began to feel calm. I arrived a little early however, still ended up being late; I felt my happy, excited mood begin to diminish. Thankfully, I was the second and last student to arrive, upon entry I was still welcomed, gained understanding, and was social.
I was prepared, left earlier than necessary, and even called before the drive to get proper directions to the workshop, as I am unfamiliar with the campus; as an online student. Realizing I was misguided, I had to pivot; resulting in hiking around campus to arrive at the correct location. At some point, I sensed something was going on with the Cosmos, as planets are in Retrograde [Mercury and Venus], there's a Solar Eclipse coming, and Saturn has begun its Ring- Plane Crossing. I have not had efficient time to deep dive into the meanings of all of that as I would like to yet the awareness of Astrology, Astronomy, Cosmology, and Tarot; keeps me in harmony with myself, allowing me to sustain my alignment with the Universe and God. As Astrology is still considered a "pseudo- science", I acknowledge the effects I experience as I've learned to understand the dance between them [Astrology, Astronomy, Cosmetology, Tarot, and the Universe]. As I left school, I had an added approach to my issues with Philosophy- Symbolic Logic, as well as the Statistics course I am anticipating in the Fall. Before heading home, I ran an errand which uprooted my plans for the remainder of the day; that's when frustration and confusion showed up. The events of my errand lead to another errand which turned my overall happy, fulfilling, and exciting day into something surprising and out of my control. In that moment, I said a prayer and by the time I posted a video on social media, I was overall proud of myself, for the way in which I handled the ambush of my feelings, emotions, and plans.
I spent the next day in a rather unpleasant mood; I now interpret the umbrella shielding those other emotions was the familiar maladaptive coping mechanism of feeling helpless, therefore hopeless. I went to my dreams the night before in good spirits, in my conversation with God [prayer and meditation], I felt a sense of trust that God heard me and would intervene on my behalf; while understanding and acknowledging this as an opportunity for growth; leading me on my path as I am walking in the footsteps of my future self, as well as a chance to measure my growth pertaining to the topic in which the conflict resides. Although, this was just a day, or even less than 24 hours ago [longer as I complete this expression], I have already handled the situation differently than I have in the past. I did not "crash out", have an anxiety attack, or seek counsel from unqualified people; I said my prayers, meditated, then awoke with a plan to follow up with the calls I made prior as I navigated the moments of stress, uncertainty, anger, and sadness. With each interaction met with disadvantageous results, the feelings of helplessness re-entered the chat. I began to fear, then I remembered the conversation with God, and my social media message, then I had a thought of Saturn and it's "Ring-Plane Crossing", like, Retrogrades, all an illusion causing one thing to seem or appear as something else. With Retrogrades, the speed of the planet's rotation becomes so reduced that it appears to be moving backwards. Another element attributing to this illusion is the vantage point from Earth, which makes me think of the concept of perception.
Quick story-time, in November 2005 I had a near fatal car accident; the cause- a drunk driver crashed into me; however, being transparent and accountable, the drunk driver would not have collided with my car had I not been there. Meaning, I was in that location, because my car ran out of gas and I was stranded on the side of the freeway, due to me neglecting to fill up throughout my "busy" day. Fast forward to present day, I believe everyone in my life is aware of that happenstance, so one particular person often admonishes me about having gas in my car; I believe they perceive me as an irresponsible person [I can only speculate based on observations of our conversations regarding certain topics]. Nevertheless, when they are a passenger in my car, they always mention a car wash and getting gas; it has begun to annoy me, until I thought to ask someone else a question for clarity. While driving my Mom, I asked "how does the fuel gauge appear from where you're sitting [the passenger side of the vehicle]?" Her reply was that "it appears empty"; I said "oh" and we continued toward our destination. From the vantage point of the passenger seat, it gives the illusion of another level, which can be interpreted as my "fuel is empty or low". However, from my perspective, coupled with the knowledge of the fact the fuel gauge is accurate and reading as it should. I have a clearer view of what's going on, where as someone else has unreliable information; this becomes a dimension of a pseudo-conflict with the ability to escalate, if mishandled.
That came to mind as it relates to the Cosmos; to us on Earth, Saturn's Rings seem to "disappear" until November 2025 and various planets appear to orbit "backwards" as they are in Retrograde for specific time periods. I recently experienced a hardship effecting me for approximately six (6) months, in this moment I am faced with a circumstance which is eerily similar to the issue which was resolved recently. I say all that to say, as I was typing the words shared thus far, I realized that situation is an illusion as well, to water the seeds of doubt, fear, and limiting beliefs. Should I allow that to occur, I would be providing the "nourishment" for the things contrary to the desires growing within my mind and heart. As I am learning and striving to embody the discipline, determination, and varied characteristics necessary for the life I dream of; I understand this is not the time to doubt, it's the time to persevere. The last time I was in a situation similar to this, I had a "friend" who helped me through it, well we are no longer "friends"; so one limiting belief concerning uncertainty and fear was, the doubt that I could get through this without said "friend". One thing I love about my relationship with God is how thoughts of our conversations randomly come to mind, well maybe not randomly; as they are typically at the most consequential times. So as the thought of that person came to mind, and I began to question "who would be there for me as I go through this?", a brief thought came to mind and to be honest I don't recall what the thought was, because I did not allow it to finish before reminding myself "there is a reason you are no contact!" In addition to the reassurance I felt knowing God is with me and how everything along my journey is to prosper me [mentally, spiritually, financially, emotionally, and physically].
Reminded of the understanding for my request of a "soft life", I must know my responsibilities as the co-Creator of said life; with God in the driver's seat. I should stay in my lane [so to speak] as the passenger, trusting that God not only knows the destination; God knows the directions to arrive safely and in divine timing. When I drive, I am usually alone; at times I'll provide transportation to someone and certain people simply can't seem to control their need to manipulate the power dynamic of the situation. Offering unsolicited advice regarding directions, although the gps is clearly displayed on the dashboard. Often depending on my mood, I'll either let it slide [once or twice] before correcting them; with the reality of my authority [or position], as the driver and owner of the vehicle; I also know where I'm going. As I assure myself of the call for rest. joy, and a creative expression was not a "waste" of the day; I find myself speaking with perfectionism. Allowing myself "permission" to take an intermission from studies and other nonessential obligations to do something I enjoy. And here we are...
As I prepare for my dreams with a "busy" day ahead, I have prepared for an on time arrival to all of my appointments and will prepare with prayer and meditation. Oh speaking of, I also have a therapy session; as I mentioned, I have not spoken about the specifics with anyone who isn't qualified to offer assistance or quality advice. I knew as things were unravelling that I would only speak to God and my therapist concerning my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and plan of action; while seeking guidance, advice, and/ or confirmation of the way in which I am approaching the situation. Recently, I've adopted a philosophy regarding sharing personal information and remembered the phrase of "on a need-to-know basis", as I find typically when venting we tend to overshare, in addition to that, the person we are venting to is typically a friend or family member. Although, they may love, care, and/or show concern; oftentimes they are not qualified to offer solutions, resources, guidance, or actionable advice. It simply becomes a negative spiral of oversharing disheartening or unpleasant experiences, while providing "intel" which can be used for gossip; which (in my opinion) is counter-productive. So, I've learned to take it to God, from there I feel guided with who to speak with for additional support or advocacy.
One of my Aunt's and I have a unique relationship, as she messages me nearly each morning to share motivational, encouraging, and/or loving meme's. This week however, the messages were of encouragement and what I felt as confirmation in relation to conversations I've had with God. My Aunt, being unaware of the way in which my week began and progressed simply continued doing what she was already doing. So, the other day, after having challenges with various moods, along with brief encounters where doubt, disbelief, helplessness, and hopelessness attempted to overpower me; I opened my laptop to begin coursework when the morning message from my Aunt was awaiting my attention. I opened the text and it was something in reference to the scripture, Jeremiah 17:7-8, which reads in the NIV version:
"But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."
I proceeded to read the entire chapter, took a breath, and called my Aunt. I inquired why she sent that particular message to me, as it is not her usual offering. Which lead to a conversation of her expressing how she feels lead to send certain messages to specific people, and that message was intended for me. I understood what she meant immediately; as I often have that experience as well, especially in my writing. I typically pray and set intentions ["Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable and pleasing in Your sight, O Lord, my [firm, immovable] rock and my Redeemer." Psalms 19:14, AMP] before I begin writing; as my thoughts are organized, I meditate, envisioning strings connecting my consciousness, heart, and hands [specifically, my fingers] becoming intertwined to convey what my soul intends to share. I then shared with my Aunt a quote which I love, by Rumi; interestingly, I had shared the quote with a friend the day before, as I was speaking of my default depth of disclosure; as I feel the level in which I interact with others may be "a little too deep", as many engage in "small talk", gossip, topics of popular culture, and the like. While I may engage in small talk, I can only do so in small doses. The quote reads as follows:
" Maybe you are searching among the branches, for what only appears in the roots."
I explained to my Aunt, that her messages were a sense of confirmation concerning my commitment to trust God, not only during this time of uncertainty, but throughout the remainder of my existence. I feel as if God not only heard my words, but felt the sincerity in my heart; as our rapport has evolved so much since the days of old [as I've mentioned before, in the expression: "My religion is love"]. In this moment I can admit to being proud of myself; Reading the expressions of my younger self, while dreaming of the things I desire to say to my higher self as I experience moments with my future self, the Woman in my dreams; speaks to me. I am finally in a space where I recognize my voice. Reading those experiences allowed me to truly embrace the Woman I've always dreamed of being. I recognize myself differently as well as the journey it took me to arrive at a space in God where I have a different awareness; and although as many others I find myself to be a nontraditional person navigating in a society that pressures us to be a specific way, according to their "norms", guidelines, and bias, To remain authentic, while managing all aspects of the human experience can feel exhausting and liberating simultaneously. That what I mean when I ponder the words of Rumi, I think of how deeply I experience myself while embodying the energy of my dreams. I feel connected to myself in a wonderful way as well as connected to God; even through unpleasant circumstances. My younger, less mature self handled things as society would suggest; which lead to the many things I had to, and am still processing, analyzing, evaluating, praying, and meditating concerning.
I heard my mind ask my body, "how is your heart?"; and I felt my heart smile; as my soul inquired and felt a hug. . I was able to express my self in a creative way, in addition to spending time with the Moon, at the beach, as well as the gym. I feel as if I gave my younger self a hug while greeting my future self within my being. As I glance at the time I acknowledge I should devote some time, attention, and focus toward my studies, as I am doing well; however, I would love to do better, in a mindset of mastering the knowledge, as opposed to simply doing the work for a grade or perfectionism. As I am aware of the characteristics of certain traits of the Woman of my dreams. The me I was created to be. , I am also aware of myself [to my core], as I am a competitive person; I only complete with myself, to embody the characteristics that I feel are woven into my soul. Recognizing the co-creation aspect of my relationship with God from a different perspective; I had a lovely day, as I allowed myself to rest as well and simply enjoy the day. I was encouraged, encouraging, productive, social, and authentic; and it felt lovely. It feels good to share, as I was able to swim through some memories and outdated beliefs that I've outgrown, I am unsure how this expression will come together, but I am excited to see how it braids together...
Perimopause is nothing to underestimate, as the fog of cannabis smoke filled my brain, I recognized the awesomeness of God and I am truly beyond words at the love I feel to know that God is truly my best friend. The relationship with myself far outweighs any relationship. which is a reflection of God and the love we share. As I recall a few of my initial words I feel my being intertwined, as the words dance across the past. The movements are as if they were poetry, the way my body is allowing my heart and soul to express itself. An early morning calls my name and I must prepared again to be social, I must meet my dreams, after praying, setting intensions, and meditating; I awoke with many "tabs" open in my mind; thoughts of personal growth, shadow work prompts, and many other concepts I am working through, I recognized when my mind and brain began to organize those thoughts in a way of guidance to figure out my day. I realized some time ago, how important it is for me to balance creativity as well as structure. The way in which I embrace my creative expression, and experience is in understanding, accepting, and embracing; the unique combination of gifts, skills, talents, desires, etc. that comprise the authentic version of my interpretation of the presence of God guiding me through this human experience with the treasure map in the form of my dreams.
As my mind organized the tabs in my brain, I realized an aspect of the challenge I am experiencing with Philosophy- Symbolic Logic; I figure the issue may stem from the way in which I reason, I often ask myself if I am "being reasonable"; I recognize my ability to "dream big" however, the seeds planted of various limiting beliefs, consisted of the notion that my dreams were unattainable, unrealistic, and/ or unreasonable. As I participate in "gardening" through shadow work as a form of self- care, with self- love, I tend to my soul; uprooting the seeds of doubt, disbelief, fear, anxiety, etc. replanting seeds of encouragement, confidence, perseverance, determination, love, etc. Understanding the sense of validation, accomplishment, pride, love- it's as if I have met myself at a depth that I only imagined was possible, I felt I have been given the opportunity to tend to the garden of my heart and mind. I feel as if I have unlocked a version of myself who knows the way to the next level of my dreams, as if she's been practicing the obstacle course I find myself in need of navigation for. Recently I revisited the "book" of Genesis in the Bible. I read it with a new vision and comprehension; the best I can explain it is I now feel a sense of being, created by God and chosen to tend to the "garden of Eden" [within- mind, body, soul, and spirit]. As I am finding balance with "in my bubble" I knew I needed to write creatively in an authentic space outside of academia. I am becoming more confident in my approach to my studies yet on the blogs, I am able to throw structure to the side [so to speak] and allow my being to translate the words of my soul. It becomes tricky at times, when switching the appropriate degree of authenticity for any given situation, through various circumstances; as my default depth is. focused on the roots; while many of the objectives from society speaks to remaining in the branches.
The other thing is the gumbo of thoughts, feelings, memories, emotions, ideas, concepts, and the like; have been flooding my head and heart for quite some time. As I am organizing them, I find myself missing Goddess Radio, curated through the app that is no longer in business [I suppose}. So the idea that I could go "live" on social media was exciting. Although it will not be structured as Goddess Radio was, it is still a fun, and creative outlet to express myself. Oh, back to Genesis; After the life events of the past couple of years, I recognized my very breath is powered by God, the appreciation I now have for each breath, and gift- of my senses; I do not take being alive lightly. Until this moment I've felt like I've been existing, with very few moments of truly living. After that stroke, I plead with God to allow me to see my 45th birthday. I also petitioned for the opportunity to make the necessary adjustments shift from existing to living. I feel as if I am on that journey. Stretching myself through the discomfort of unlearning habits which were based in fear and also, the discomfort and bravery it takes to embrace calmness, happiness, ease, joy, knowledge, etc.- [as society benefits when our central nervous system is out of whack, and we are unable to truly focus on communion with God and our community; we are fearful of every day living, keeping us "stuck" in the patterns of dysfunction (in my opinion)]. Nevertheless, I am choosing to persevere through the obstacles of life as I intend to reach the desired destination from my dreams; through various Universal Laws, as well as my relationship with God. Prioritizing the concept of God being a co-Creator for my unique human experience; planting desires within my heart and mind of goals to accomplish while I have the breath to do so...
I believe the ideas of a future are instilled within us as messages from God and should we choose to accept such a journey to actualize those dreams we will find our purpose and authentic self discovered by obtain them. Taking the necessary steps in order to achieve the goals we are striving for as the dream must be attainable, otherwise, why would we dream them? How could we visualize an unattainable destination? Unless, it is possible, reasonable, "realistic", and desirable to mature until success is exhibited through perseverance, determination, faith, and the necessary effort to reach the "finish-line". As I encourage myself, I encourage the collective to continue to dream big; shut out the "noise" of doubt and fear, and connect with our "higher self" and God to collaborate a path from the desire to completion. I wish for us all the strength to persevere and the love to do so at ease, according to the law of "the path of least resistance" Not in the metaphorical sense, but in the physical sense; as water flows in relation to the laws of rhythm, vibration, action, and gestation. Combining these laws in connection with a relationship with God, allows for us to flow with the energies, frequencies, and vibrations of our goals and dreams as a way to arrive safely, and in divine timing; rather than as salmon swimming upstream. Suggesting the need to "work hard" or "fighting" the current to tirelessly arrive at the destination, as opposed to pivoting when necessary to flow with the urges of our being to achieve the necessary milestones along the treasure map toward our goals, dreams, and desires.
Wishing us all a successful journey, embracing opportunities for growth, knowledge, wisdom, understanding, and love.
Until next time,
Kamille
