passion

 "I am dominated by Love, by my passion of love for Love"

Rumi

I am consumed with love not in the sense of how love is depicted in romantic films or songs; well, maybe some songs, but it is otherworldly. In how I care for my loved ones and show love to myself, I recently spoke of love languages in my last expression, "green lights all the way" and after completing yet another 5 love languages quiz I now accept that my love language is all of 'em! The quiz suggests that some love languages are stronger than others, however, for me, I feel as if it depends on the mood I'm in. I am not that big on receiving gifts yet on some occasion I love to receive them, especially if they are thoughtful and meaningful. I also have a strong desire to be touched, often; but not by any one it has to be particular people in a particular way. I am not saying the quiz or its results are flawed, I just believe that the importance of each changes from moment to moment depending on the state of mind a person is in. Perhaps because the Christmas season and my birth day is approaching has the thought of gifts on my mind, which is rare. 

I never considered myself a passionate person, although I can be at times; showing such a strong emotion is also rare for me. Yet since my expression "desire" I've taken some time to re-examine my heart and find the things not only that I desire, but also what I am passionate about. I used to get confused about desires and passions believing the words were interchangeable; I now recognize their differences. When seeking within I found that my desire and passion is for love. When I was a young girl dreaming of my future I never envisioned marriage or children; although I have a child and have never been married, I still have no desire to be. The love I desire starts from within and exudes toward another; I am passionate about the Moon, my writing, my self-awareness or should I say self-discovery, a few other things and my lover. While I desire to write well, win the lottery and be the best version of myself as possible, to name a few things. As I share those words with you I am reminded of someone saying how "secretive" I am; I used to be extremely vague in my writing because I was sharing with unknown people and thought if someone I knew read my words they'd be invited into a special part of my life that I often choose to keep private. I've since chosen to be more open and clear with my thoughts, feelings and emotions. 

Despite the fact I have a title for this expression, somehow I don't have all of the words; I don't want to end here yet I don't necessarily want to stop and begin again at a later time. I thought the words would flow through me as I was off to a good start, but I think my train of thought has drifted elsewhere... I've returned to my playlist in hopes of finding the words I had in my heart to share before drifting off topic. Sometimes I day dream or get caught in memories of my lover which engulf my thoughts, since I have chosen not to write about him I am conflicted on where this expression should go even though the title suggests I write about my passions. I will admit, I've had a cocktail and blue dream so I am floating a bit along with the music. As many of you may recall, blue dream is one of my favorite strains; as it has creative, uplifting and energetic effects associated with it. In this moment I wish I were painting, on canvas; something pretty and happy. Unfortunately, because of the holidaze the puff and paint I'd like to attend only has paintings I am disinterested in. So I figure I'll take another look next month or at the start of the year. 

Thoughts of my lover creep into my thoughts again and I am reminded of our last encounter a few days ago. Tingles run up and down my spine as I recall his hands on my body and in my (natural) hair. As his hands caressed me I felt as if I were in another world, one which only consisted of he and I. As usual, I didn't want those moments to end however we both had errands and other obligations so our rendezvous was cut short. There's nothing I can do, but love him; in all the ways I know how. I've thought myself to love; I used to be so harsh and a bit of a "man" in the stereotypical sense when it came to love, feelings, and emotions in my youth. As I've grown into the woman I've become, choosing to leave those things in my past in order to allow love to flow freely and intentionally.  

Which brings me to an exchange that began yesterday, a "gentleman" I knew many Moons ago contacted me; after 14-15 years to apologize for something done at that time. Initially I simply blocked and deleted him and his apology, I later discussed the situation with a friend who reminded me things learned through therapy so I replied. His response to what I shared seemed disingenuous to me so again I blocked and deleted the conversation, choosing to leave it in the past where it belongs. Yet, it has crept into my present and I am not sure what I am to learn from this. I believe it is a chance for me to re-evaluate my interactions with my male friends and possibly my lover as well. Perhaps this situation popped up to show me when and why I can be so guarded when it comes to my heart (feelings and emotions) as well as in various encounters, that's where my lover comes to mind. Maybe, this is a chance for me to let go a bit more and be more open to love and being loved.

Above most things I am passionate about my well-being (mental, spiritual, emotional, etc.) so this disruption of my peace was not welcomed. Now I must re-examine my heart again with these newfound emotions that have come to the surface. I realize how the encounter years ago effected the issues I already had with trust, I also recognize some of those walls I spoke of in "green lights all the way" realizing the walls weren't just there for no reason. Various encounters put each brick where they were placed for a legitimate reason, however, perhaps it's time to examine said bricks and remove those which are no longer necessary. I feel as if this situation has presented itself as I've shared with you all my desire to be the best version of myself as I can be. With this situation, although it is now over the lingering thought is how can I use this information to provide closure I never knew I needed? and going forward how can I repair my heart from damage I never realized was there? 

The lesson I learned years ago after dealing with the person who recently apologized has been a very good practice thus far and I do not intend to change it. The question is what has it hindered that has been sort of a blindspot for me when it comes to interactions with men? In a sense of the time it may take to evaluate that question I will save that for another time as this expression is about something altogether different. In the meantime I am enjoying the fact that all of my coursework is done and I have a week off in honor of the Thanksgiving holiday. I decided to celebrate with a couple shots of Jameson and writing something I also enjoy (this expression). Reluctantly, I must end this expression as it has gotten quite lengthy. I intend to share again before the holiday, however, if the words escape me I wish you all a happy and safe holiday to share with loved ones. I hope you all have someone to spend the day with and if you find yourself alone, I hope you enjoy your company.

Until next time.