green lights all the way

 "your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

~Rumi

I have been searching within to find areas of my heart where the walls are, I'm sure you're aware of the walls I am speaking of; the ones that bares the "keep out" signage all around. Recently, my Mom overheard me having a conversation, once the call ended she said "I love seeing that side of you", of course I inquired of the side she spoke of; her reply was "your soft side".  I smiled, what do you say in response to that? I had nothing in that moment, now that the moment has passed and I think of those words, I find myself recognizing growth. I can recall a time when "idgaf" was my motto about everything. I was so detached from my family, community and myself, not caring about the outcome of anything yet praying for things to remain good or get better. With many years and much work I've outgrown that mindset of being narcissistic and uncaring about those around me. At one point finding myself on the extremely opposite aspect of that which was being overly emotional about things that didn't even concern me. Since then I've found a balance, learning how to be mindful of my feelings, thoughts, and emotions while understanding there is no way to "control" them, but rather to allow them to flow and teach me the lessons necessary for growth. 

I am still finding aspects of my heart where I don't allow visitors, I am learning how much to show and which aspects should be kept private. As I type these words the idea of "love languages" comes to mind which makes me think, maybe the private parts of my heart are where my most sacred love languages are? That makes complete sense, to me. Those are the parts that feel most vulnerable, and many of you know the difficulty I have with vulnerability. However, as the days pass by I see areas in my every day life where I choose to be vulnerable rather than guarded or protected, thinking in some way that will keep me "safe" or "secure". On some level I feel as if showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness or insecurity. I suppose I should explain... After refreshing my mind on what the "5 Love Languages" are, I had a thought to dig a little deeper and discovered a theory I've heard of, but never explored; Maslow's hierarchy of needs. 

As I attempt to explain why I feel as though showing vulnerability can be a sign of weakness or insecurity, I thought to do so without actually being vulnerable. For me, the thing that make me feel most vulnerable is expressing love to someone when I don't know how it will be received. For example a hug, a kiss, a caress, or particular words; with words I have been told that the person didn't believe the words I shared with them concerning how proud I was of them or that I loved them. I recognize this person has an idea of me, which may or may not be accurate; but in their mind it is. So to an extent, nothing I do will be believed as coming from a genuine space or even "good enough". This behavior, which I have no control over reaffirms my belief in not showing vulnerability with others, if I chose to allow it to. Unfortunately, the feeling of my expression being rejected hurts much worse than actually choosing to show someone that side of me. 

The weakness and insecurity comes in when you don't know how someone will respond to the efforts or emotions you share with them. It's not vulnerability when you know how your words or actions will be received, in my opinion. Like, telling someone you love them for the first time or hugging a friend for no apparent reason, just because you feel the desire to be close to them in that way. There are very few people who can hug me, I believe it can be due to my unapproachable disposition or for most the knowledge that I don't particularly like to be touched. At times I've had people ask if they could hug me and to their surprise, my answer was "No; Thank you". An embrace is extremely intimate to me, much more deliberate than a sexual encounter as some can have sex with any body; while others may be more selective. No judgement toward either of those behaviors, I've learned over the years that sex doesn't always include intimacy as well as the fact that intimacy doesn't always include or lead to sex. 

Like now, I am craving intimacy; not a sexual experience. I don't completely know in what ways, I just know I want it. I know why I am feeling this way as I am a few days from my least favorite time of the month. I used to satisfy these cravings with food, substituting dopamine ("the reward chemical") for oxytocin ("the love hormone"). In the past when I felt the love I shared was not reciprocated I would allow my inner "foodie" to indulge in whatever foods I desired that would make me feel as if I were being cared for in some way. I am not sure where that falls on the hierarchy of needs, but in whatever way it helped, I allowed it. Next thing I know my clothes don't fit! These days after much concern for my health and fitness with a bit of vanity; I am also focused on not eating my feelings anymore. Now I tend to say things even when I am uncomfortable or unsure how it will be received; I feel as if I am slowly lowering the walls of my heart as I've done with the walls of my mind. 

3 a.m. arrives sooner than I expected, with appointments later in the morning I debate going to bed or continuing this expression. Seeing how I have yet to think of a title lets me know it is not complete, so I will take a pause and continue at a later time... After nearly 30 minutes I am back at it. I can't sleep for various reasons, mainly anxiety or perhaps it's excitement? It's been a long time that I've had days I was looking forward to. I believe that began when I started exercising at the beach a few times a week. For the first time in a long time I am looking forward to the rainy season, I can't remember the last time I felt this way. Warm, cozy clothes and home; "comfort foods" and the conclusion of 2023. As usual, I am anticipating New Year's Eve. I gave thought recently as to what I'd like to wear, then realized I need to know where I'm going to be, so planning will begin soon. Followed by my birth date and some things in between, especially those things in the very near future. 

The energy of the Full Moon consumes me, I feel warm and safe; complete. Knowing I am discovering the barriers around my heart and determining which should stay and which should be lowered. With the embrace of my 11 year old self I have this feeling of alignment, as if I have chosen the "right" path for myself. Some may ask, "How do you know you're on the right path?" and I'd say, for me, I begin to notice synchronicities with certain themes: in music, numerology, astrology, astronomy, etc. It's as if the Universe is speaking to me in a language it knows I will understand. To others it may not make much sense, but for the person experiencing it, it's like a treasure map of sorts, showing you along the way that you are making the "right" decisions for your life. Then sporadicly you'll get "confirmations" from a conversation, a song, patterns, "coincidences" and rapid manifestations. 

This occurred sometime yesterday (yes, another day has passed) in a conversation with a family member I was able to utilize the understanding I gained from reading over the 5 love languages along with Maslow's hierarchy of needs. The responses I gave were deemed helpful to the person in the conversation with me. This satisfies the "love and belonging" need within me, as I felt as if we were bonding; respecting one another's perspectives and being open to knowledge or rather, wisdom. It's again within the 3 o'clock hour of the morning and sleep is no where in sight; neither is a title...

Another day has passed, I attempted my miles today; however, once at the location I wasn't into it anymore. I believe too many days have passed between work outs and I was dealing with too many factors to go on. Nevertheless, tomorrow is another day!  The main reason this expression has been delayed is due to the fact it had no title, that is until moments ago. As I drove home experiencing green lights all the way, I recognized the synchronicity of it all and felt in that moment, "that's the title!" Even when I thought I'd be stuck at a red light I'd say to myself "it'll be green by the time I get there" and it was. Now to only manifest the winning numbers for the lottery.