desire

- a longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment.

dictionary

Initially I was going to write something for my lover; I decided against it however, I thought of another aspect of desire to share with you. Monday was the first day of my last Fall courses along with my return to fitness. My desire has become a healthy body and a few other private goals, so beginning these enhancements has come to bring enjoyment to my life. I began my fitness journey by walking a little over a mile; I intend to gradually increase the distance. I walked again Tuesday, staying consistent with my "little over a mile" I find myself impressed with the fact that I walked, almost nonstop with no music. A friend and I have taken two "trails" thus far, walking, talking sometimes while silent other times. The plan is to use an app called "All Trails" and choose various trails to "hike" about three times per week, choosing different trails preferably once a week to reduce the chances of boredom on my part.

That's one thing about me that I don't fully understand, my predisposition for boredom. I am often bored for some reason or rather disinterested after a period of time. Especially with repetition or things that are redundant. One of the main factors convincing me to return to college, how often I'd say to someone that I was "bored", until an acquaintance who is no longer such asked "You're always bored, what do you like to do?" and as I rattled various hobbies off to her I had the bright idea to return to college. I thought it would occupy so much of my time that I would not be bored with the amount of assignments, hobbies, errands and the like. Unfortunately, I typically complete my assignments well before they are due then find myself bored. However, I now have a desire to see my educational goals through as I find them challenging even though I don't have an issue completing them nearly as soon as I get them, understand the prompts and begin, I don't rush, but I finish in a rather short amount of time. 

I have not quite figured out if my desire to do well is specifically in regard to grades or college overall. I am a bit obsessed with my GPA, but it's steady and with the courses I am attempting this semester I believe I will do well. So far upon my re-entry into college the lowest grade I've gotten was a B-; in my Astronomy course. I will admit, I thought I earned a C yet to my surprise it was a tiny bit better than what I expected. I feel as if I should have applied myself a little more, but I reminded myself of "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz about always doing your best; even when your best appears different from one project to the next. Although I told myself I could have done better, I honestly did my "best" so I can accept the outcome. In sharing this aspect of my journey (college and fitness) with you, I feel a sense of accountability along with manifesting my intentions as I write (type) them on a page for the Universe to know; I suppose through the Ether or Cosmos. 

With the many enhancements I have implemented within the past couple of months, such as paying more attention to the health of my hair, nails, skin and overall well being; returning to my fitness knowledge as well as focusing on my spiritual self I have left behind the desire to be "skinny". A term and indoctrination  that I've held on to for far too long, here's a little backstory... I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression in 2012, beginning a regimen of medication in 2013 which lead to weight gain around 2014- 2015. The weight gain triggered the Depression which caused more Anxiety seeing that I'd just "lost" over 60 pounds around 2011-2012 when I was hiking, running and intermediately doing The Master Cleanse. I've since shed some pounds, but I am not physically where I was when I felt I looked my best, which is why as some of you are aware I stopped posting "selfies" on social media many Autumn's ago. With the exception of my hair and hands full of crystals or blunts I have not shared an actual selfie since 2014; wow nearly ten years ago. Clearly my weight has been an issue for me, however with my new regimen I feel as if the pounds will shed naturally and I can show you my results in the not so distant future.

A few of my desires are to be healthy (mind, body, soul and spirit), doing well in college, enhancing my relationships with family, friends as well as my lover. This past year I thought I made a new "friend" however, for some reason unbeknownst to me she decided to ghost me. After that encounter I reminded myself of the slogan "no new friends", which I am somewhat sticking with. The type of friend I am I believe is well rounded and honest. I am not saying those are the reasons she ghosted me, but I do know that I am not for everyone and that's fine. However, since denouncing the art of ghosting I find it a childish way to end any type of relationship. Nevertheless, I learned a few things from those encounters which have made me a better person; I believe. I only mention it as a contrast to the way I treat my relationships now, being more mindful of my words and actions as well as communicating things I find necessary to discuss. I wish her well, but I do not intend to reach out or accept it from the other side. I believe I am better off without that person in my life in any capacity. 

On another note Pink Runtz!

To be continued...