writing to you from an undisclosed location

I've located a cave of mine, I won't share where it resides or how long it's been since I've visited however, I will say it's as lovely as I remembered it

Untouched by the hands of man

I am engulfed within the magnitude of my self- the beauty of my skin, the softness of my being, the salt from my tears, and the heaviness within my chest craving a release

I've spent a few days revisiting some of the writings you all have been engaged in and I will admit, the idea of love I once had for a particular few gentlemen was so inline with "puppy love" or some other nostalgic concept of what I considered love at the time

I realize how mundane those "relationships" were and in hindsight I can see clearly why none of them had what it took to stand the test of time

In all honesty with the inclusion of the baby Dragon I do not wish to revisit any of those individuals again in this lifetime or another! 

The idea of saying "good riddance" to them all brings such a wonderful smile to my face I can hardly contain myself. With the exception of my 1st love I could do without the memory of any of them- so much so the thought to delete the writings and begin anew almost takes over me

I cannot say that I did not love them, but I will admit the love I thought I had was only an aspect of myself loving me. How could it be any other way when they did not love me in any capacity? Only the love of what I offered them or what they thought they were getting from me- as if by deceit or ambush in some form or fashion...

I do not despise them yet I do not wish to revisit any of the encounters of the past

As a new year and a new age approaches I am content with diving deeper into myself

Finding myself so much of myself that I have no room for another

My heart is broken in a way I do not wish to repair. A motherless child yet the worst part of it all is my only living child has chosen "no contact" so although I bare the scars of motherhood I do not have the pleasure of being such

To an extent it is a self- fulfilling prophecy as I set out many Moons ago to become a spinster yet the idea of not having gone through pregnancy, childbirth or the [one of many] near fatal accidents which shapes a story many ways in which I am the villain 

Yet today, I don't care

I don't care about the ideas, misconceptions, tangled beliefs or gossip from anyone

The people I cherish are few and their love sustains me even on days like today when I wish I could disappear and remain in my cave until Summer arrives and I can feel the warmth of the Sun shining on the skin I'm in

I intend to reside in this location for the foreseeable future as I do not desire the wishy washy touch of a limited lover or some liar pretending to be as I am

The mask of them all leaves me unimpressed as I allowed the other aspects of my internal universe to overshadow the truth which is my Sun and Mercury in Capricorn

They call me "the devil" and say such things of how I conduct myself to the point I nearly abandoned all of what drives me in the ordinary humanlike craving for belongingness and connection- two illusions I am painfully aware that I do not fit into

I've rebranded, re-imagined, shrank, silenced, and morphed into a bite- sized version of myself for so long in hopes that one of those relationships would take hold and be all they promised to be if only I were a little less [something]

The test of time has proven to be me with myself and I 

The odds of searching for a "better half" or the one who completes me is so farfetched I nearly die laughing at the concepts of twin flames, soul mates, and all else seeking outside of myself to better my self

With God and the amazing woman I am [past, present, and future] there is no other who could contain the majesty of a truly visualized version of me and I will say I would have it no other way...

she bathes in lava

In my last expression fool's paradise I mentioned meeting a gentleman in August as we experienced the Black Moon, that man was no ordinary man; he was a Dragon!

Three months of fireworks and the magical way we danced in darkness 

As a few Moon cycles have come and gone, so has his presence. I barely remember him although it was just about a week ago that we agreed to go our separate ways. 

The last time may have been the most intoxicating yet the perfect way to say "goodbye"...

I normally avoid goodbyes, as the Elders have a saying "every shut eye ain't sleep and every goodbye ain't gone" however, with this one I knew it was a nail in the coffin of our limited relationship.

Since we've parted ways I was reminded of my Ice Princess turned Ice Queen ways. As I revisited the sentiments expressed I thought of the Dragon I had the pleasure of assisting in his training. 

I thought to share the space in my heart that he helped mend- a ghost town, I do not recall the time of abandonment yet it was vast all the same. It was not a space abandoned by another as many stories may begin. I abandoned it myself and long forgot about her...

My Vampire King

An aspect of myself that scared me while intimidating me when I recognized it in my former lover. It's a fire breathing Dragon with a sophisticated allure which stayed within the shadow of my self in such darkness that I allowed society to make me believe it was "evil" or where "hate" resided. 

The issue with the baby Dragon [he was 37 in human age] which was the route to our demise. The way in which his nonverbal communication caught my attention was foretold in previous expressions. His accent from a southern state was the whipped cream on the milkshake [one of the first treats we indulged- as we visited Honeymoon Cove within hours of meeting each other] enjoying fantasies I've envisioned for many Moons. Until the Moon phase changed and the "demons" he carries did not mesh well with mine [due to the fact that mine are actually my best friends]. 

When he said I was "The Devil" I felt seen as it was not the first time being accused of such. When he said I was a Vampire, I felt understood however when he began to hurl insults directed solely at the Capricorn aspects of my being I knew we would not stand the test of time.

As a farewell I must acknowledge the beast of a man I had the pleasure of "getting my groove back" with! 

Many of you know I am in remission from breast cancer and recovery from a stroke... well, not to sound corny, but that man's stroke knocked me out of menopause!!! He aligned chakras and re-activated my kundalini in a way that I had never experienced with another person in this lifetime!

His tall manly frame, deep southern drawl, the way he kept his hands and lips on me "whew" I told him I wanted to be his forever and I meant it!

The trouble began as he felt I was untruthful as I shared with him of my choosing. Upon meeting him, with the exception of my first love, no one else would be an issue and we were free to be whatever we chose for as long as we chose it.

It happened that the day we met was a day I was discharged from the hospital regarding mental health issues so my talkativeness was misunderstood as I regained my "senses" and he was confused as to how I could refer to someone as my lover and within hours make it known not only that I am totally single, but I recognized his Soul from another life or something and knew it was love [reciprocated].

It was hilarious when he jokingly inquired if I were a prostitute by the way I'd refreshed my muscle memory of my days of gymnastics, tennis, and five mile walks. That man twisted and turned me ways that an ex comes to mind as he said something about my flexibility as if I don't have bones...

The final straw was the insistence of me being a liar, promiscuous, and out to snatch his soul due to being demonic. It was in that moment I knew whichever realm or dimension our souls connected was not one along my journey yet a brief and happy pitstop along the way.

Al Green "For the Good Times" plays as I prepare my bowl of ground flower and concentrates followed by a bite of a mushroom. One last thought of his kisses and deep strokes calculating my divine feminine with precision, I suppose it was my divine masculine that could not be avoided.

The creature that remains is like none imagined prior to this encounter and despite the fact I will always remember "how I trained a dragon" I will not dwell in the details as that may lead to a heartache I do not know when it will be quenched.

Returning to team abstinence for the unforeseeable future, I am convinced of a love I've been writing about since the beginning of time. When I reflect on the other blog as a girl torn between a dumb ass, my favorite, and the tough guy who would outlast them all - transforming into my lover only to return to the tough guy who doesn't mesh well will the many aspects of my being.

I won't say I lost hope, but I will say I am no longer settling or shrinking to be digestible when it comes to romance, love, and the earth shattering way I was adored for the past three months. The things expressed weeks prior to meeting him written in once in a Black Moon and the experience within itself has been sent out to sea as it was preordained. 

Unfortunately, the chokehold of "good", "evil" and self righteousness was too strong for our love to last. The beauty from the ashes of this rendezvous was my willingness to love, express love, and truly embrace being taken to a paradise where lust, love, and honesty dwell [if only the truth found its way there as well...]

Nevertheless, the fire breathing, lava bathing, Dragon- Unicorn hybrid of a girl from my youth has been reborn; never to be subjected to silence again.

I call it my "villain era" but in all honesty it's simply me being unapologetic about my authentic self and the world will deal!