118

  "what if I told you I'm incapable of tolerating my own heart?"

Virginia Woolf

It was the end of August [this year] when I began this expression, some others flowed at a different rate and were published at the time of being written. This one had a quote by Virginia Woolf which needed some time to dissect That's how I came across another Woolf quote which I wrote to, "beautiful dreamer" I mentioned being in an unfamiliar space and embracing myself; I suppose to a new depth that without saying I've never experienced before. It wasn't until it [the quote] was fully understood that I was somewhat able to begin with how I interpreted the words and how they resonated with me. 

118 is a special number for me as it represents the month and day of my birth, as the 1 signifies new beginnings and 8 is for abundance or luck; all together allowing for the ability to manifest dreams and the like. I notice a lot of alignment in my life yet the results as far as lucky manifesting not so much. I don't understand where the breakdown is, I just know there is one. Seeing how yesterday was "positive thinking day" according to National Day Calendar I thought to spend some time with the homework given in my last therapy session and ponder the dreams of my life as they are now. 

This is the 118th expression on this blog, right around the time of this obscure "holiday" with a couple of weeks until October; which happens to be "positive attitude month". Along with Breast Cancer Awareness Month and a great deal of others. It is also my Dad's birthday; which I am still grieving as grieving goes. With the knowledge of these dates I feel as if I am being prepared to get to the other side of this time into the joy and happiness I am looking forward to experiencing. My Dad is the person who introduced me to numerology [indirectly]. He'd randomly text or call me at 1:18 in the afternoon and we'd chat; now when I see those digits I smile and think fondly of my Dad. 

To focus on positivity for the rest of September going into October knowing it is the goal to have a positive attitude; followed by a series of pleasant as well as unpleasant dates between now and the Love holidays in February [13th - 15th]. Add a [good] new therapist to the equation and I feel as if I am setting myself up for dreams to come true. It goes back to trusting my intuition rather than second guessing, hesitating, or flat out rebelling against it. For some time I've been afraid to follow my intuition as if I'd lose the grip I have on sanity. I have been afraid of a particular path I've experienced before and did not enjoy. An experience filled with unrequited love, hospitalizations and medication. 

Being on the "right path" can be scary and people [from my experience] don't talk about that enough. Today is "live creative" day which is suppose is why I felt the need to share a bit of my heart with you all. The song says "it's that love's in need of love today, don't delay, send your in right away" in this moment that song truly resonates with me. As I've shared recently, I think I need more love and I feel as if I am gathering the components to the recipe for a successful outcome. Said components would be a positive mind, an open heart, the appetite for better circumstances, a new/ challenging therapist and a bit of time. 

I think I am in a space where all things have been made equal in my life, as far as the need to refill my cups [mentally, physically, financially, and spiritually]. Letting go of some behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs; while embracing boundaries, accountability and new or improved beliefs.  It all comes down to beliefs really, like, because you believe xyz you have certain thoughts which manifests in particular behavior. I figure to change some behaviors I am not exactly happy with I am now allowing myself the freedom to grow and shed from things I've outgrown. I have never been in this space before, where I am mature enough to handle everything that I would like to improve.

I've been trying my best not to allow my old self, who could be quite the brat to have a tantrum with God about how "this isn't fair" or an attempt to challenge "what else could go wrong?". I am enduring what has become of my life and preparing as I follow my instincts to make things better. I've been doing self-prescribed exercises for my eyes and I am finding some progress as I await my appointment with an eye specialist. I am hopeful; the neurologist informed me that things should correct themselves and I need to allow it time to do so. That was helpful especially with the knowledge of how the body is always in the mode to repair itself. 

I'm feeling as if I am in my ugly duckling phase or perhaps a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. In my spirituality I have some questions, especially in regard to the King James Version of the Bible; but one reoccurring statement in various books speaks of how it is believed that God promised to restore things to people. I feel as if that is what my tears have been asking for, to be restored in a way that it is clear that God's guidance brought me from where I find myself  to a happy and healthy woman. I believe God will do just that and then some the challenge comes from the limiting beliefs we've been programed to believe that causes us to doubt our worthiness for God to do those things for us. 

I wasn't aware until recently of issues I have with self-esteem; I thought it was one thing not knowing it included some things I categorized as something else. I was not aware that being highly critical of yourself is a sign of low self-esteem; or thinking I need to "deserve" something as if I have to prove myself worthy of whatever, even if it is something insignificant. With raising my self- esteem along with changing some beliefs I feel as if I am putting myself in position to achieve what my heart desires. Being able to admit to an area I was blind to within myself is a bit humbling as I'd never put myself and low self-esteem in the same sentence. 

I missed 4:20 by 4 minutes, the joint was ready to be lit and the music was a great flow however, I was writing or updating my playlist. I keep going to light the joint, but I remember how I've been overdoing it a bit and should pace myself a little more. I recognize it can be a distraction at times as I am writing something and having deeper thoughts then talk myself out of sharing, thinking it's too personal. With the idea of creating another journal or blog just for myself seems not only tedious, but as if I'll get a little confused with what to share and what not to leaving me sharing nothing or oversharing. And we all know how I feel about oversharing...

I spoke before about tolerating things and at times to tolerate my own heart feels like a chore. Ironically it is an "assignment" therefore I suppose to tolerate it would take effort. I suppose as soon as I accept my intuition and trust her as she is my healed self leading me to the way in which I pray this journey finds me. That's a concept I am learning to believe for the way it resonates with me. Seeing how I am ready, willing and able to heal I can find my way. That's the best thing I thought of in quite some time if I do say so myself... Maybe learning to tolerate our own hearts is the way?