2 Moons

“She didn't quite know what the relationship was between lunatics and the moon, but it must be a strong one, if they used a word like that to describe the insane.”

Paulo Coelho

It's after 2 am and sleep is no where in sight, I figure I'd put the fingers to the keyboard and see what comes of it. Today is a "big" day as I have an appointment with a specialist for my vision issue and I am hopeful to learn what exercise or methods will be discussed for healing. Although I know there are more test to be done, I am seeing progress with my vision in my daily routine of things. I am attempting to condition myself to smoke less refeer when I'm writing as at times it holds me back from the train of thought. Prior to typing those words I had a thought to light this joint that I feel staring at me from aside the laptop. Finding blindspots in my self are a bit scary at times, to know there is something there and you can't see it due to some impairment is something I am ready to say that experience is over. Then I remember why I'm smoking and I drift off to something else.

Another distracting device would have to be my cellphone, at times when I want to share something a little deeper than usual I find myself picking up my phone and scrolling or doing something that takes my mind away from the thoughts being formulated in my mind. I'm working on that; I want to get to a place in my writing where I don't type five or six paragraphs before finding my point of the expression. I would rather not smoke the joint because my desire is to be asleep soon, I dislike smoking just to fall into my dreams; it feels like a "waste" because aside from the adventure in those dreams nothing more is being created. Or perhaps that's the beauty of having elevated dreams?

Joint will be saved for my "wake & bake" session at a later time of the morning and I am going to retire into my dreams...

A day or 2 have gone by and I found myself scrolling rather than diving into my heart to gather the words to share. I've been faced with a hell of a lot of challenges in the past 15 years and now I have a better understanding as to why. These retrogrades can really change the trajectory of one's life. For example: a car accident or manic episodes of a mental illness. Perhaps intuition is influenced by the happenings of the Cosmos? When I read of Pluto leaving the sign of Capricorn [my Sun sign] after 15 years makes a lot of sense when it comes to the challenges I've faced within that span of time. I've been saying I'd take this time to view things as a rebirth and this seems like the perfect time to do that, create an era of romanticized experiences from this point until the next. 

With the Super Full Moon and her effects in addition to Pluto's transit, I feel as if there is a recipe for success and I am gathering the ingredients. Leaning into my intuition as opposed to attempting to dissect the meaning of everything rather than having the vision to see what the story is telling.  That goes back to when I mentioned being more intentional with this life in a previous expression. Going into the final quarter of 2024 causes me to prepare for 2025 with hopes of an abundance of betterment, in every aspect. I was fascinated when I learned for a brief time Earth will have "2 Moons" until I was disappointed to find that it is an astroid that can't be seen on Earth [if I'm not mistaken]. 

I've been reading notes and expressions from the past and I am astonished by the words I shared, even moreso by the words I kept private. Which brings me to the subject of the latest "homework" from therapy; keep a journal for 21 days writing what comes to mind for that day even if it's brief. I have yet to write anything for that, I don't know how it slipped my mind. Nevertheless I found it interesting that she'd suggest to keep a journal after speaking of beginning a private blog and in alignment with things I've been sharing with you all. Someone mentioned the book a day or 2 ago and I was reminded to take a look at the progress to see the direction I'd like to go in. 

The thought of beginning again comes to mind, then I ask myself "is that a stall tactic keeping me from completing the book?" The idea of beginning a new book from another perspective comes to mind so I think to put that in my notes even though I have not figured out what perspective it is. The idea of having a handwritten journal dedicated to the next 21 days and actually doing things worthy of mention. There's so many things I want to do now, before I was always waiting for all the stars to align for everything as if there isn't a concept of "do it anyway". With the exception of illness, the obstacles in the way of that vacation or adventure can be worked out to create a life of happiness. It took me getting ill to recognize the times in my life that I did not go on the vacation because I felt like my career was more important than relaxation. In those days I thought so many different things that I no longer view as such. 

Had I taken chances in my relationships perhaps that would look different as well. The things I know now and am able to connect together for understanding. I suppose I don't need to be so rigid in thinking I must have a specific journal for my private thoughts seems a bit unnecessary in this moment. I intend to sit and reflect on the days since 2008; the set up for anxiety disorder and it's friends... However, that's a story for another day.

There are some things I regret from those years, but for the most part I made the best decisions based on the information I had at the time. I feel as if that's reasonable, because how do you know you don't know, until you know? Once you know, the situation typically has been decided upon and either it was beneficial or unfortunate based upon the outcome. The thing is, sometimes the outcome doesn't manifest until many years later; I've experienced that a few times. The steps leading me to these illnesses I don't know what's on the other side of these challenges, but I look forward to finding out. I feel as if I am coming out of a fog, where the things of the past no longer matter as I am in the now creating a future of my dreams. 

In my mind I thought to rewind my memories to see where I stumbled off the path or took a misstep and I think of smoking and how I began smoking cigars then cigarettes; it was out of necessity. There was stress based on a few factors such as the career I refused to take a break from causing a mental health break down resulting in the discovery of anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder. Then you have psychosis from disorders presenting as manic while smoking sativa religiously. The recipe for disaster, well the inhale and exhale of the cigar created a false sense of relaxation. for me. It was as if smoking offered a sense of relief although it may have done more harm than good. These days I no longer smoke cigars or cigarettes, but I want to. Smoking hybrid has a different effect than sativa, more mellow and at times introspective as it blends the cerebral and spiritual aspects of the cannabis to the forefront of my being.  

Another day has come and gone, after 2 am again and the music and refeer are both loud. It's funny I've been saying "vibe" when referring to the atmosphere from my thoughts, the music, the strain choice, and the feelings. Sparks fire within my brain and I think of how I don't use that word in real life. Then again my memory is bad so maybe I have and don't remember?  The more I see progress with this vision issue I can find ways to be grateful and thankful in the sense of how my body finally has my attention and I am willing to make more changes to my lifestyle. As I age I feel as if I am embracing my idea of a hippie lifestyle, I want to look and feel my best now that I have the wisdom and desire to live a life I've dreamt of.

As the night turns to day I am in a space where I truly desire to exercise and reach some goals I've made for myself. The trouble seems to be motivation to do it alone. I had another set of scans yesterday and I am still feeling the effects of the contrast. After seeing the specialist I felt even more hopeful with the healing of my vision until I learned that the next phase of this process has a 4 month wait. I intend to make some calls Monday, hopefully I can get a closer date and have the tools I need to begin the next era of my journey. The idea of my birth date being in approximately 4 months makes me think of my mortality and what the next life has for me. I pray to keep the knowledge I have now in an attempt to avoid various mishaps in this lifetime. 

I guess this 2nd Moon coming is in a blindspot and simply because we can't see her doesn't mean she's not there doing her magic to make dreams come true. My relationship with the Moon seems to be one of the most intimate relationships I have. The concept of God and creation comes to mind and how miraculous creation is. I read recently a saying that miracles are when prayers are answered; I resonated with that because I've always considered prayer as talking to God while meditation is listening for God, but I never considered God answers thus "a miracle". I'm looking for a few miracles these days. finally understanding the concept of "blood, sweat and tears." as I've given them all through this battle with my life as it currently is. I try not to go the route of entitlement speaking of what I believe I deserve rather being in the approach of desiring the things of my heart for sentimental reasons. 

Like, I look forward to aging on my front porch with a cocktail, some reefer, Rocko and a good friend having random conversations or sitting in a comfortable silence. The idea of growing old makes my heart smile like never before. With the exception of of a few major things, life is good. Good in the sense of not wanting to end here, I feel like I have more living to do. As 420 is exactly an hour away I began to debate if I should lit another joint or return to my dreams?