it all comes in waves

Nina Simone, a good hybrid, and a Sunday morning; all that's missing is the setting. Home or the beach? or a hike? As she declares "here comes the Sun" I believe I am exactly where I am supposed to be as the mood is tranquil and quiet. I took a detour from writing to refresh my nails for today's outing of errands and quality time with loved ones. It doesn't seem like the first day of Autumn, perhaps during the day, but you feel the chill in the air in the evening and night.  As I think of the days to come I remind myself to bring the Fall wardrobe to the forefront as the days begin to feel like the evening. The sounds of Aretha Franklin, Sarah Vaughan, and Dionne Warwick adds to the feelings I am experiencing, feeling empowered from knowledge of the energy that I intend to create for myself in the season that is upon us.

Anxiety is ever-present however, I am choosing to ignore it for the time being. Using techniques learned throughout the many years of therapy I am calm and eager to get my day started. I'm not good with being patient, suddenly I feel as if I'm in a scene from my personalized "Groundhog Day" with a song playing multiple times throughout the playlist, so much so that I had to contemplate if I wanted to hear it again. Then I thought how it brings me back to the writing after the music had me drifting off into thoughts and feelings. Shifting through the mixture of thought, feelings, emotions, beliefs and the like; I don't quite recognize as I feel as if something may have shifted as time went from night to day. 

Monday evening and it's been a busy day, the atmosphere is noisy and a bit unpleasant so I've smoked and turned the music up kind of loud. I ate peanut butter and now eczema has entered the conversation. Worse than the itch is the tickle, I'm extremely ticklish and it is so embarrassing at times; such as in front of a cute doctor. That happened last week, I played it off well although I wish it had never happened. Quite a few appointments this week and I'm already tired. Due to the temporary vision impairment I have chosen not to drive at night, unfortunately I've smoked the last of the joints I had so it's either drive in the dark or wait until morning. Of course, I'm waiting until morning; so I have to find a good dispensary that opens in the early morning hours since I am leaving at a specific time to make my appointment. 

Oh, I forgot to mention; I took an assessment a few days ago and to my surprise the results stated I should be a writer. I found that interesting as the questions were multiple choice and the inside of my heart was shown. I suppose I had found the commitment to writing I thought I needed to recognize the meaning of writing, for me. It's Tuesday morning and I noticed I have been doing the therapy assignment without even realizing, as I've been writing daily even if it's a small amount that makes it to the page. It's still a bit early so I'm attempting to create the mood for the day seeing how it's a little light as I only have one appointment today then I can find something fun to do. Maybe take a trip to the beach since it's been so long since I've been there. 

After the nap and dinner it was too late to visit the beach, so I suppose that'll be an adventure for tomorrow. The great news of today is that my vision is improving with each day and I am ecstatic about that! As I was trying to find my way back to vision without impairment I found myself depressed by the words of the initial doctor, I was asked for a survey yet I declined; there's no point in saying how dissatisfied I was with the service of the doctor while the nurses [who were amazing] get little to no recognition. It's been a little over a month and to see so much progress is nothing short of a miracle. Seeing how the doctor said my vision would be permanently impaired and I am glad so say no one else shared his opinion neither has that been the case. 

As I await an inspiration for a title as well as a direction for this expression the music is sending me on an adventure where I feel as if I should be in motion; either in a dance or exercise. The room is quiet and the scents of reefer fill the room, it's intense and thick, just how I like it. The happenings within the Cosmos has my energy a little all over the place. I begin to think of how I am glad days are going by within the writing as opposed to months or years even. It's "hump day" in the early morning and I am feeling a bit restless; it's too early to do much of anything, but I'm tired of sleeping. There was a point in time where I wanted to sleep this life away; praying to wake up in a higher frequency or a different dimension. Longing for a life not built on survival, but love, knowledge, and abundance [or things along that nature].

To live a life so different from the life of your dreams can feel exhausting; it's as if you're striving for a space in this life that you cannot seem to reach. As time goes by turning from days to years I aspire to be closer to my dreams yet to no avail. I worked on the book this morning and I find it coming along well, I was a bit intimidated before today and I am unsure why. I suppose thinking of what happens next is what did it, perhaps it's time to revamp those dreams however, it's believed that one should "dream big" but what about the little dreams? The dreams of tolerable conditions, having certain hardships and looking for a way to improve various situations at once is also exhausting. Juggling physical health issues, mental health issues while living life as well as planning for an unsure future. 

This may be the second time I've had to re-evaluate my dreams and access how "realistic" they were, only to have the same dreams; I feel it is my passion to live this life yet I have yet to achieve them so far. Then I think, what is realistic? Great things happen for people every day; why wouldn't I be worthy of those same or better blessings? Living to survive is not a life, finding myself desiring a life that's focused on the betterment of myself as well as my environment. Today was the first time I thought about the betterment of my environment; usually my surroundings are a bit further from the city. These past couple of years in the city I grew up in has brought about certain thoughts of discovering the memories of things I've forgotten. It's like boxes in the attic or basement- some storage area; where the dust has settled and memories are held in a time capsule. 

Reminicing over pictures and funnily enough, my hair is now the same style and texture as it was when I was a baby. I text my beautician to consult on a way to style and grow it evenly as it continues to grow out. Season's are changing and all I can think about is my next birth date and what I would like to be doing, I have yet to settle on a plan. I thought perhaps I'd get a notebook of sorts and jot thoughts or ideas of how I would like the future to look and feel. I skimmed an article about a woman who married herself and was requesting a divorce. I found that fascinating, only because this journey I find myself on I feel married to myself, in the sense of being my sole provider of happiness, survival, and all that those entail. However, the thought to quit on myself was never an option; as if you could seriously divorce yourself. Maybe on paper, but in the grand scheme of things we're all stuck with ourselves.  

So the goal for now is to be healthier as in the betterment of my physical health and fitness. Now that my vision is improving I am intending to begin the gym in the next couple of months. I have an appointment with the ophthalmologist as well as my therapist tomorrow and I am actually looking forward to both appointments. I have yet to make it to the beach, but I intend to go there soon; except for the weekend due to there being too many people there during the day and I am unable to drive at night. for now. At times I think I may be feeling as if I want things to be idealistic as opposed to the reality of the way things are. I suppose that's where I've gotten stuck, are things supposed to be realistic or idealistic?