I think you need love

"Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is the wisest course." 

William Shakespeare

I wrote an expression about adversity prior to learning this quote yet when I read it I knew it was the sentiment I wanted to capture. During a conversation recently I recognized the generations after the 1980's are different. I've longed for the moment I step fully into wisdom; I recall a time when I had young adults in my presence and I'd attempt to provoke thought and confidence. Life happened and we went our separate ways to later get a "Thank you..." email acknowledging the wisdom I'd instilled throughout our journey together. Wisdom to understand perhaps why things may not make sense, but are necessary. To embrace the uncomfortable is not an easy feat, especially when it feels as if life is knocking you around.

As George Bernard Shaw said: "youth is wasted on the young", to gain knowledge which turns to wisdom would be a great asset to have while you're young enough to benefit from it. Having wisdom late in life is great; at least it used to be, as you could educate the youth of the pitfalls and folly to avoid and helpful things like how to maximize opportunities. I may have overshared in the draft I mentioned earlier, I'm not sure; I just know I have doubts about publishing that one. I believe I am experiencing a phase of this life that blindsided me in a why I am trying to figure out. I am looking within and acknowledging the errors of this era, but I feel as if there may be more to this picture than I initially suspected. 

At least I pray it's a phase and I can come out of this with my dreams accomplished and a spirited story to share. I also may have over done it the past few days with the reefer. If not for the way I choose my strains I would probably be upside-down to some extent of the phrase. I feel like my inner-brat is peeking her head out trying to remind me of the days of old when I'd pout and stomp my feet for something to change [for the better]. I don't think the Universe responds to such behavior. I simply want this "trials and tribulations" section of the story to be over. Not suggesting I am ready for the "happily ever after", but something in-between. 

To my surprise I am quite talkative this past few days. I now realize it may have been the energy of the New Moon approaching or perhaps Uranus Retrograde [both of which have begun since beginning this expression]. Maybe it's a combination of all the goings on in my life and the Universe at this time? After refreshing my memory in regard to Uranus as well as the New Moon and their effects I got the sense that I am on the right path, for me. Although this last situation I find myself in concerning the stroke and its aftermath leaves with me a lot of questions. So much so, I've researched a therapist and will take the necessary steps to begin therapy in the very near future. 

I say I felt as if I am on the right path because of my intuition, which is funny because I was just saying I need to trust my intuition quicker than I have been. I am still learning how intuition works and how to understand what my mind, body and/or soul is bringing to my attention. In the recent past I "had a feeling" I should leave a place on a certain day, then at the last minute I decided to stay another day; well that was a bad idea because from the transition of night to day something happened. Another time "I felt a way" resulting in a conversation with my primary care only to later self diagnose and cancel the appointment. Now post-stroke I had to reschedule said appointment; perhaps had I kept the first appointment there would be no need for an appointment now? 

At times I have stopped myself mid-sentence when the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" thoughts come into the mix. Today I suppose I needed to hear them out and see why I feel what could be surviver's guilt; about a few things that I have not been able to work out on my own. When I was hospitalized the doctor and nurses were contently telling me how much better off I was than some of the other patients; I was on the stroke floor. I understand putting things into perspective, however, dismissing or devaluing a person's experience because "it coulda been worse" is infuriating.  I mean, it coulda been better; and what's wrong with saying so? It shoulda been better, yet I am still acknowledging that it woulda been better had I done some things differently. 

I want to smoke cigarettes, but I keep finding reasons not to buy my brand and I refuse to smoke anyone else's. Each time this comes up I speak with a friend about it and she offers reinforcements to keep me on the ex-cigarette smoker side of life. The strain of choice these days has been "Cherry Runtz" which contains one of my favorites; "Cherry Pie".  It gives a sense of happiness and relaxation while also giving the scents of a lovely day; I can not put into words what that smells like because it's a feeling,  A feeling that makes me smile a bit, enough to recognize a moment in happiness. That doesn't happen often, feelings of being happy. Like, what is happy? 

Actually looking at the definition I find myself thinking of happiness as something attributed to the fortunate. I use the words "glad" a lot and "joy" often, not relating them to happiness.  I am experimenting with the dosage for the marijuana; I feel as if I am smoking too much in too short of a time span. So the effects gradually come upon me and before I know it I'm too high. Which is why I want to smoke cigarettes; interrupting reefer with tobacco helps me because I can still enjoy smoking without all of the same effects. However, that's still not enough reason to regress. 

I took a moment and thought about how realistic it would be for me to return to college in the Spring and truthfully I find it a but out of reach; unless the issue causing my vision to be impaired is resolved by the time I have to register. I am hopeful. While attempting to give myself a bit of grace, I thought maybe I can go back next Fall? I think that would be more realistic, especially after the year I've had. I figure it is going to take some time to recover from bad health, cancer and a stroke; God forbid I experience any more trauma this year, I feel as if I've been "taught" enough. 

The ideology of life is full of lessons is a bit confusing to me; it's as if we're being taught for unexpected, at times unprovoked "lessons" that's supposed to teach what exactly? The thought of fairness comes to mind which questions "who said life would be fair?" Again checking the dictionary, one definition speaks of being "tolerably good" and I believe since technically none of us "asked" to be here, why would we be unworthy of at least things being tolerably good? Such as when you grow up in a dysfunctional family where "bad behavior" is tolerated and a person then grows older unable to set and reinforce necessary boundaries in their life. Perhaps even "learning" that said behavior may be interpreted as love or passion. 

Finally shining a light onto some of the bad behavior I've endured throughout this lifetime I don't think it's too much to ask for a bit of good, not just tolerable good; but the good that is described as happy. I feel as if I have embraced sorrow and "sour adversity" for far too long, A childhood of abandonment followed by young adulthood of struggle a few pleasant years and now illness. I am not a person who rejoices in having the happy times in the afterlife, all that "when I get to heaven..." talk while experiencing what feels like "hell". There's million of people on the internet claiming to know the way of the Universe; I will admit, I am still learning and somedays I feel as if I am learning from scratch.

From scratch meaning as if I haven't been studying the Universe for the past fifteen years. Then I think, "how long is fifteen years in the grand scheme of the age of the Universe?" A drop in an ocean... Speaking of ocean, I thought of visiting the beach on two occasions and opted out due to the holiday and large crowds. I feel as if I must schedule a visit someday soon as my soul is yearning to meet nature in a soothing way. I do not remember my days as a baby, but I feel as if there may have been a lot of self-soothing ones, I imagine crying until I figured out why and decided to stop. I could be wrong, I hope I am; but I've seen pictures. Nonetheless that's what I'd expect. These days I want a life filled with romanticized circumstances;  allowing myself the space to be soft.

As a black woman I find throughout my life I have been labeled "strong", even in childhood; not completely allowed to be soft. Then to grow older under the "strong, independent woman" trope I felt as if I did not break free until I experienced a break down. Prioritizing spirituality followed by mental health and now the whole being feels like juggling too many balls in the air; one or a few are bound to fall and in this point in life I do not have the privilege of any one of these balls dropping. My spirituality is very important to me however I have to believe that my physical health is just as important for different reasons. 

Learning to appreciate life at a certain age is different from when I was in my youth. I took too many things for granted and perhaps I am now "paying" for them? Our minds have this need to make sense of things, even in things that don't make sense. Or are these apart of those life lessons you don't know how to study for? I am tired and ready to enjoy as much of life as I have left. I want to experience extended joy, happiness and would like to see that in the lives of those I love. Since I've been ill this year, I've been shown the difference in someone saying "I love you" opposed to someone showing their love for you.  Finally getting to a space to accept some will only say the words without putting it into action; and there isn't anything wrong with that. 

I am surrounding myself with those who show love on a regular basis, not just when something tragic happens. I am healing that space within which would long for the days of being in some circles; feeling I'd finally be embraced although that was never shown as a possibility. Acceptance is a funny thing, one minute you're pondering "why...?" and the next you recognize, they just don't like me or we just don't mesh on that level; and that's okay. Sometimes it takes a while for me to acknowledge when things are nonreciprocal, but when I do, I move forward. I am currently in that space, giving myself grace and learning to understand my imperfections and showing myself love. I need more of that.