paint them all

Feeling the effects of the Super Full Moon approaching; and seemingly in alignment with the principle of this time, as I have been writing about intuition, manifestation, dreams, etc. seeing how it is synchronized within my being. In the mood for exercise, when I speak with my physician I'll have that discussion, until then I think I'll relax and keep my attention on healing [physically as well as spiritually]. Emotionally, I am in a space where I may be able to distinguish the thoughts and feelings to share with you all and those that should remain private. It came to me suddenly as I as writing this expression. As I began to battle within about a decision so simple, as a matter of a location and if I am obligated to invite someone or if I can enjoy it alone? The word choice of obligation is interesting as it suggests I am responsible for anyone other than myself [and Rocko].

For sake of showing my age, I am an "empty nester", so who other than my emotional support animal am I responsible for? The origin of these thoughts showed up in therapy last week, thinking how guilt consumes me when I put myself first. I won't go any deeper into that however, I will say that is something boundaries can resolve; I believe. As [technically] an only child with one child I find the memories of my youth being called selfish or some other concept without context that inferred something being "wrong" with putting oneself first and to be selfless at all points. Which [along with other factors] leads to a stroke and other ailments while in my mid-40's. 

It's unfortunate it took all of this to catch my attention; causing me to slow down long enough to allow my body to hear the screams coming from within. I am thankful to have caught the cancer very early on as well as having a very minor stroke; both could have been much further along seeing how I'd been so "busy" I was neglecting certain things within. I am grateful for another chance of reaching my dreams, knowing the "testimony" of others who have experienced similar circumstances and bouncing back better than before in a lot of cases gives me inspiration. The idea of writing my testimony in real time comes to mind, as if we are all waiting for the plot twist and the win's to begin. 

Recognizing the tension in my body and wondering how I got this way; so uptight and unable to relax. I remember when it began, shortly before the anxiety attack in 2012, it built up to a point it created such tension that I exploded so to speak. I do not wish to find that space again, so I am attempting to manage it and allow it to release into some other energy. I want to go to the beach and put my feet in the water, unfortunately Southern California beaches are not the place for such. 

I think I'm bored.  

I learned this time with the Super Full Moon and other placements within the solar system the time suggests for karmic balance. The thing is, I don't quite believe in karma; although I understand that none of us are perfect at time it seems as if karma can be too harsh on some and too lenient on others in my opinion. As if there isn't much balance in it to begin with; I figure the "time should represent the 'crime'" so to speak. But it comes across as unfair. Favoring some while really punishing others. I don't like the idea of karma and its haphazard way of discipline. 

The song says "ooh, hey/ I'm trying to decide/ which way to go/think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere" as Erykah Badu sings of decisions and alternate endings from my interpretation. I feel that in my soul, as it is again in alignment with my subject matter as of late. I've been thinking a lot about dreams and where I'd like to see myself in the near as well as distant future. Aside from being alive, I want to be living; not simply existing. I desire my quality of life to be gentle and kind, surrounded by love.   

A month post- stroke, and not the good kind; I feel as if I have entered a new era of my life. An era of boundaries, true self- care and self-love; not just the words but the actions as well. I desire to shed more pounds while toning up and becoming more shapely. I desire for my hair to continue growing thick, long and healthy as it once was. Along with other mini goals about the physical that come to mind. Financially, I want to do more of what I've begun; taking my finances to a higher level. Emotionally, I desire to pour out my heart in therapy and shuffle through what's there; healing the Kamille who needs more love. Spiritually, I desire to be closer and more understanding of my Creator. Like the song declares, "a closer walk with thee" or the poem "footprints" as through the hardest times God carries us rather than us walking alone.

I had to remember that some time ago, realizing although physically it may seem as if I am alone, God has been with me every step of the way; encouraging me to continue. I feel as if I have yet to fulfill my purpose therefore how can I leave? I made sure to gather some information in regard to life insurance and what I currently have with the exception of a few changes. I am somewhat pleased yet the advance directive still needs some blanks filled in. 

There was a time I had no interest in the things I find interesting, I know that is a symptom of depression. I am now in a space where I am finding interest in those things again, just in time for some major shake up's in the Cosmos. Scrolling Instagram I see a tarot spread for the Full Moon that caused me to stop scrolling briefly; the question was "what am I trying to 'escape'?" and I thought of that as I had daydreams about relaxing on a tropical beach with my friend, a cocktail, a book or journal and my thoughts. Thinking perhaps I am attempting to escape my hidden feelings, thoughts and emotions. The ones that play in the subconscious and show up in certain behaviors unexpectedly.

Another question asked was "what hidden emotions are being illuminated right now?" I read that after writing the above thoughts. The emotion that comes to mind is loneliness, I feel isolated although at times I am surrounded by people. Interestingly enough the song that's playing is titled "Solitude" by The Red Garland Quintet, putting me in a space of freedom. The freedom to rest or embrace what I am feeling and how it is manifesting. It's not quite the attitude of being alone per se, but more of a feeling from within. 

Blue nails and a colorful dress is the attire of the day, honoring the final days of Summer; with Autumn soon approaching I want to begin with more season appropriate colors. I had to wear a sweater this evening to put it into context, California Fall is beautiful in its own way; surprisingly feeling like Spring from time to time. Debating on this next joint, to my surprise this random hybrid strain is doing what I wanted it to do; make me feel relaxed and uplifted. Feeling encouraged to stay until the job is done or the goals have been reached. 

The idea of writing goals comes to mind and I realize I wrote a few above, another idea was to beginning the book for real this time. The idea of where to begin comes to mind and I think should I begin with a deadline in mind may be the way to go. The music is random and the vibe I have feels a bit of scattered energy with sprinkles of another feeling I don't quite understand. Looking at a list of emotions, the word enchanted stuck out the most and as my lover and I text I discover the reason I resonated with that more than anything else...

If you're familiar with my other blog you are aware of my feelings toward vulnerability. The thought of the level of vulnerability I have expressed within these past few expressions make me proud of the growth. Finally found the space where the negative, overly critical voices of people I know are no longer stopping me from writing my truth. The limiting beliefs that have been around since childhood; the highly critical parents, teachers, friends, etc. Hearing their voice when you are about to step out on a ledge toward something new, different, or loving. 

I am looking forward to my therapy session tomorrow, I completed the assignment and I feel good about that. So much so that it inspired me to complete this expression that began about a week ago. I lit the joint; in what I like to call "my hippie space" where I feel heavy yet as if I could float away at any moment. I keep putting the joint out as I am pacing my self as I feel as if I am reaching in the direction of my higher self. Awaiting the day that she and I are truly one. Curious to know why the thought that I am not already her surprises me as I realize inward I am her; I suppose I am simply looking forward to when that is expressed on the outside.

My friend and I share pictures often and after sharing baby through adolescent phones we noticed how at times I show the same facial expressions or how my style is somewhat the same with the bracelets and polka dots. With the exception of the weight I guess that could be true; it's just the way I see myself and the way I am seen differs leaving me to realize that in some ways that should change. The way I view myself and the areas in myself where the esteem isn't as "high" as other areas. That however is for the moderate or long term when it comes to goals, right now I am thinking of taking it piece by piece until I understand it's roots and heal the whole branch [so to speak]. 

How do you measure beauty? Based on the past or the here and now? I was very pretty in my standard of beauty until I gained weight, but now that the pounds are shedding I have to reimagine what beautiful or pretty is. At this big age I have to see the beauty in myself in order for someone outside of myself to do the same. The quote goes "people can only meet you, as deeply as they have met themselves", meaning how can I desire to reach a depth with my lover or friends and family that I have yet to experience for myself? My desire is to get to a depth of vulnerability with myself that I have been afraid to allow space for thus far. My referral is for quite a bit of sessions as it has been a while since I've been in therapy; another thing I am looking forward to; unpacking the memories I have and truly letting go of the ones I've forgotten. 

My nails match my dress and I feel very "girly" and Summer-y even though it is now night and the Full Moon is on display. The Sun truly played a part in my enjoyment today which is rare for me as I feel as if it may betray my love for the Moon; knowing deep within that it doesn't. The idea to repaint my nails comes to mind and I think this time I must paint them all and not just on my hands. The excuse to way I never polish my own nails is because my boobs and belly prohibited me from reaching and doing a good job when in actuality I just prefer being pampered. I feel as if I should do more of that, pampering myself and really recognizing all of the areas and ways I've neglected myself and do a better job at spreading love from within.