beautiful dreamer

"I am in the mood to dissolve into the sky."

Virginia Woolf

Biscotti Mints is an interesting strain, it's said to have creative effects; I say interesting because there's another Biscotti Mintz which I suppose is more well known. Having similar effects it feels like the s is better than the z, for me.  The uplifting and calming effects are much needed these days so I thought I'd sit here and see where the thoughts would take me. 

Discovering new strains or strains that have been around for a while, but are new to me is a bit exciting; mainly because I don't completely know what the experience will be. I am in good spirits, thanks to the reefer and availability of the necessary doctors I need to see in regard to my vision. I have yet to think of anything else to add to my gratitude list, but the ability to write has been major. 

Lately, with the talkativeness I felt as if I did not want to overshare anything without being vague. My writing used to be that way; always protecting my thoughts and my heart. In a recent conversation I was speaking with someone about the lottery; comparing how to know where to buy the winning ticket. I then remembered a time when I'd win consistently; not a large sum of cash, but each time I played I won something. Well that was up until I told that to a "friend" who is now a former one. 

It's not completely that I said it aloud, I think it was who I said it to; seeing how that person ultimately did not wish me well; looking for ways to see me fail. Once I recognized the end of the friendship I learned far more of what was going on "under my nose" which confirmed the friendship had died long ago. A ton of proverbs and quotes come to mind about mentioning good news to everyone because everyone isn't rooting for you. Some are able to disguise it better than others, but the bottom line is it causing me to question a few things.

I question how I am to manifest things if when I speak of the good things in my life they find an end. However... never mind. I thought of watching a comedy to further lift my spirits, but the thought of it makes me think I'd rather take a nap. Which I did, and now I am feeling a bit nostalgic; randomly a thought about a particular person came to mind and I wished her well in my thoughts. Nevertheless, the thought of dissolving into the sky like cotton candy sounds like an accurate description of how I think I feel right now. I'd be one of those pink clouds you see around Sun set.

Did I mention I accidentally bought flower instead of pre-rolls? Thankfully I found my bowls so I don't have to roll any joints or blunts. I am terrible at rolling joints, but blunts I can do. Trouble is smoking blunts may deepen my yearning for a cigarette. I've made a lot of changes this year, I intend to continue; even looking forward to the days I can visit the gym. I've been shedding pounds, that "hard to lose" weight has been coming off. Down about 40- 50 pounds since before the pandemic. I felt as if I'd met a plateau only to find the changes I made this year have been supportive of the weight I'd like to drop. 

I don't want to say "lose" because I don't want to "find" it again. I think of making a goal date to see the results and shape of my efforts. I need to consult with my doctor about beginning Maca Root supplements again. I don't know if the hormone regulation component will interfere with the regime I have in place as of now. I feel as if I've gotten off track... I love that time of day, when the Sun sets and the Sky turns all of these beautiful shades of blue, pink, yellow, orange, purple, etc. Especially when I'm sitting at the beach with a joint or a few and good music. At times I'll even look forward to good company as a bonus.  

Fun fact, I don't swim. I mention that because the idea of dissolving into the sky and becoming a cloud is what I imagine swimming would be. Gliding in the water while stretching my limbs fully and bringing them back just seems so freeing. I've taken swimming lessons in the past yet could not get past some biases I have about public pools. Thinking of the day I win the lottery... I almost did it again, shared a dream. I don't know what is going on with my ability to manifest good things into my life; and I don't want to dwell on the assumptions of what may be happening, 

I thought I was unfamiliar with the feelings I was experiencing, but I am not. I stumbled upon an expression from 2017 which offered some clarity to those emotions. Interestingly enough I was dealing with the necessity of an advanced directive in those days as well. If I'm not mistaken that may have been when it was introduced to the conversation of my health. As of today I have nearly completed it, which is a big deal. I have yet to nap for the day and I feel a bit elevated causing me to day dream of a home and a level of structure/ security/ stability that us Capricorn's require. 

I've thought of the dreams I can remember from the past few years and to be honest they are strangely similar. I've learned to keep some things private until they come to fruition and my beautiful dream is one of the only things I have right now that brings me joy. I am constantly finding things to be grateful for and that has been making each day better than the one before. Looking forward to the approaching appointments over the next couple of months, the anticipation of the outcome of my vision and the road to acceptance or a return to the "norm". 

I have been praying that it returns to the natural state of being, whole and healthy. The trouble lately has been in my smoke session(s), I feel as if I am smoking to tap into my Soul as well as to relax and unwind yet somehow I feel unproductive if I choose to nap after rather than finish a draft. It took writing that to understand that I also need to rest my eyes when necessary, at least until I have more information as to what has happened. 

Back on Cereal Milk while looking forward of the days I return to Cherry Slurpie, I miss that strain. A lot of time has passed since I began this expression and once again Cherry Slurpie is back on the menu. I feel a bit unfamiliar in my skin, something from within tells me that it has something to do with my first therapy session. I went in with intention and talking points of what I wanted to touch on at our first encounter. She was exactly what I needed and the proof was in the "homework"; I felt challenged and as if I wouldn't be given a gold star just for being there, I had to show up. Her questions provoked thought and encouraged me to go to a space within that may have been requesting attention for some time now.

I want to get to a space within that I have never been before or perhaps I've visited briefly; not long enough to settle in and make a "home". That was during a time when I was healthy, somewhat happy yet in tune spiritually. My abilities were so on point and then an anxiety attack. Unraveling my life like a thread on a sweater, nothing has been the same since and I feel as if after twelve years I had gotten too comfortable with my life then cancer and the stroke in less than twelve months. I noticed the twelve, twelve and seeing how I don't believe in coincidences I feel as if I should refresh my mind concerning the number in numerology. 

Speaking of paying attention to your intuition, spiritual growth, new beginnings and such making me feel as if it was truly a message for me to adhere to. It is believed that the number twelve also represents "completion" which causes me to think about the new beginning today brings. As it is the twelfth year of the anxiety attack that snowballed my life into what it is as of now in addition to the first day of therapy, I figure I'd use this date to rise out of the ashes and manifest a better situation for myself. My therapist brought up a good point today in how I stopped writing privately some time ago and without a therapist prior to today there's a lot of thoughts I choose not to share with you all. They are so personal I have gone all this time without sharing them with another person or friends that it is good to feel as if I can express them and find some insight to what they may have to offer on this side of the journey. 

It may be the reefer, but I feel a bit lighter than I did when I began this expression; as if I am dissolving into the sky on the level of unloading all of the things I've been carrying. Unknowingly weighed down by the past that I barely remember, the present that's kicking my ass and the future of my dreams. The idea of writing a private blog or journal came up and as I am thinking of it now; perhaps that's what I'm supposed to write in this book that I've been encouraged to complete. 

As I read my words and reflected on the session today, I see some similarities in my thoughts and the alignment  and harmony of therapy; as if I made a good choice.  I began this expression a week ago and I believe I've shared enough for now, although I would like to continue writing there are three other expressions to be worked out. Not to mention the private blog or book I am beginning in the very near future. I am committed to embracing myself and listening to my needs and wants for as long as I am here to do so. Accepting this journey has made me second guess a few decision I've made over the course of this life, but here I am so the question is where do I go from here? And how do I make better decisions? I believe with some new tools to overcome as opposed to tolerating a lot of what was weighing me down. 

Not only do I want to continue writing, I also want the music to continue and the vibe to spark a thought or two for the other drafts. I used to wish to be a musician; I even wanted to learn to play violin, unfortunately I was not in an environment which supported such activities. Aside from writing I want to find something to be passionate about and as I typed those words I thought that should be myself. To be passionate about myself; to dissolve into myself and float into the being I dream to be. I think that would be beautiful.