Spooky season has begun and I am engulfed in what I consider the second for me, growing up Halloween wasn’t celebrated and the idea of ghosts, witches, and other aspects were in a sense taboo. In retrospect that wasn’t due to religious beliefs [at least from what I gathered] the adults in my life were preoccupied with existing while the others around simply didn’t acknowledge such things.
I am unsure of the thought process, but during my teenage years I discovered my love for the “color” black- clothing and shoes of course, then accessories and finally nail polish. I didn’t give much thought of how others viewed this transition until my first stretch of undergraduate school when I choose to approach my maternal grandfather concerning purchasing books for the courses I’d registered for. I’d been in his presence throughout my childhood yet never had a conversation with him.
In what I thought was a mature approach to an adult challenge, I visited him and plead my case; upon my conclusion his only question was “are you a witch?” followed by what I’d interpreted as a curse in the dissatisfaction regarding the outcome of his own children and the proclamation of my failure.
Dumbfounded by the response [for a couple of reasons] I did not know what the question implied nor did I understand why I was asked that to begin with nor the ill will concerning my future. I replayed the interaction for many Moons; the only ridiculous conclusion I could come up with was “it must be because my nails were polished black”.
As I sit with the memory of the exchange, I still find that response lacking as it doesn’t shed light as to why those were the words to share after making a case for the need to purchase schoolbooks or even why the conversation included the funds being a loan rather than a gift from a grandparent. I suppose that also sheds a light into the mindset of my grandfather.
Thirty years have passed since that encounter as well as the lives of my maternal grandparents. It finally dawned on me a few years ago, perhaps, my grandmother was the example he’d compared me to-- as he was obviously married to her for many years, created children together, but divorced prior to my conception. Perhaps witnessing her and their children [5 girls and 1 boy] with me being the last child “raised” by her. Another concept was introduced to me after a conversation with a social media content creator; it escapes my mind if this person was a medium or solely someone with similar beliefs within the spiritual/ metaphysical community. Nevertheless, this person introduced the idea of him asking if I were a witch because he was a warlock?
Even after that conversation, I paused briefly yet never pondered or researched the thought further. I believe it’s time that I did, as I’ve mentioned earlier in this expression, my childhood memories excluded all things “scary” or as I’ve grown to understand as occult knowledge however, I was inundated with unexplained folklore, which I did not understand. I considered the rhetoric as “chitlin’ fables” and dismissed them as such.
I may have written about it within the past year or so, but I have come to embrace that aspect of life; commonly considered the shadow side of myself. Jokingly, I admit to being a witch, but in honesty I resonate more with the concept of mysticism or being a mystic rather than a witch.
It was last year then I stumbled upon that realization, rather than to allow the implication of being a witch as a negative concept, rather than something within the upbringing of two individuals born in the South [Georgia and Alabama] within the 1930’s. Until that question, the only acknowledgement of being a witch, with the exclusion of talks of witchcraft, other than The Salam Witch Trials. Even then, it was only mentioned briefly without context or further explanation.
Last year, was the first year I accepted the idea of learning more of Ancestry and spiritual practices other than Christianity. I’ve always been influenced by an inner knowing of certain concepts, but it wasn’t until then that I began questioning and learning of the origin and meaning behind them and other African Spiritual Practices as an idea of a religion.
Typically, this time of year, I’d focus on Thanksgiving, Christmas, the New Year along with significant dates throughout the last quarter of the year. This year however, I’ve thought to begin with October 1st, as it is the occurrence of “Hoodoo Heritage Month” in addition to the month in which Halloween is observed.
Tonight, I sat under the stars, it’s a few days after the Full Moon so the Moon is nowhere in sight, yet we are always beneath her. I feel a pull toward my Ancestors and the love of my life as I remember the nights in adolescence when I first fell in love with the Moon and the night’s sky. I am also reminded of the evening when my love and I sat listening to Pink Floyd and having random, meaningful conversations prior to his death.
His birthdate is in November however, something about this month brings his presence to another level of understanding, longing and love. Embracing the concept of being in various realms of spirituality, I am learning to also embrace the physical aspect of the here and now. As vulnerability has become nearly second nature, I have uncovered a yearning for belongingness and connection within the space of another in respect to this lifetime. It would be wonderful to meet someone and agree to spend our time together, I am just a bit uncertain as it calls for a level of commitment I have yet to establish thus far.
Bringing me to ideas of my future, first consisting of preparing for transfer and graduation/ commencement then thinking of what else is to come. Considering how far I’d like to take my education- with the desire to be a Philosopher and Author then the goals to reach toward a stable, secure, fulfilling and meaningful life. Those thoughts, I keep close to my heart at this time as I have learned through many hardships as of late how sabotage, betrayal and other such unfortunate events have created a reality of my worst nightmares rather than those dreams are made of.
Which brough about the remembrance of the words spoken by my grandfather and the twists and turns experienced between then and the approach of my graduation. The idea of furthering my education with the achievement of completing this level of college brings about a joy and satisfaction of in a sense proving him wrong.
That is a space I haven’t operated in prior to this moment. The thought of what others think of me and the abilities I possess. In retrospect although my grandfather knew of me and shared space within one another’s company, he did not know me and as he is somewhere within the spirit realm he still fails to know me. Being a sensitive child, I allowed the words of many of the adults around me to shape choices and decisions made for a very long time. Resulting in various setbacks and happenstances hindsight gives the opportunity to re-evaluate.
Looking at life now, as I find myself rebuilding materially yet at a newfound height spiritually is quite a conundrum. Finding myself starting over in some respects while encouraging myself to pursue new dreams and desires I hadn’t considered is a bit intimidating [I suppose in a good way].
I believe I’ll continue this in a personal journal as I paint a vivid picture of the future, I intend to secure for myself and the steps necessary to achieve it. I must allow myself to take a substantial amount of time detailing goals and aspirations I may have discouraged myself from in the past. These days I am unlearning the limiting beliefs projected onto me in my youth; the thought that comes to mind is somehow those words and the disbelief of my potential has hindered me from doing more until this point. By allowing the harshness and apathy of others to discourage me from taking more chances or pursuing situations that could have been beneficial to me, rather than the aloofness concerning many facets of my life may have resulted in the opposite of certain mishaps I find myself recovering from now.
I suppose, I will allow myself time to reimagine life at this age for the remainder of my year, until my new age arrives in mid- January. In addition to documenting plans for 2027 and beyond, as cliché as it sounds, I’ll begin with a five year plan- however, from the point of completing undergrad and finding a grad school program. I figure with those milestones as a gauge I can map out what I feel makes sense for me as an empty nester and woman of a certain age.
I will admit, I've given up on "finding" love, I feel as if my efforts have left me unfulfilled and in a sense more alone than had I not attempted it in the first place. Summer was somewhat fun in a way, but more so shined a light on the disappointment when it comes to my expectations when compared to the romance of my dreams or desires. I am left wondering if the person for me is realistic as I have not found what I had many Moons ago.
The fact that you all are still reading of my former lover made me feel a way earlier today, to the point, I saw the titles of entries you all have been reading and I wanted to delete them. I know that would have been a bit drastic; especially after admitting that I deleted many of the expressions written prior to going public with the blogs. I feel a bit torn, I am still in the process of letting go yet find it most difficult when re-reading the words of a girl in love.
When I sit in meditation and think of my current circumstances I am reluctant to share much of what is going on with me other than my education at this time. However, the idea of love or meeting a lover crossed my mind during my bath time. As I sat and allowed the water to nurture me in a way that only it can, I found myself somewhat imagining what I feel is missing from the present. I think at times, I expect too much yet I am vocal about what I want upfront then things take a turn when I feel as if the other isn't as obsessed with me as they should be. Leaving me to overthink; this evening however, was a bit different- as I thought of my mother and her siblings then the words my grandfather spoke to me at such as impressionable age.
Presently, I see the pattern that I wish to break; mainly regarding attachment styles and the desire to be close to someone. I never considered myself a "lover girl" until recently nevertheless, what's a lover girl without a lover. Of course, I consider myself to be my lover at the moment, but an external lover to share feels to be a human desire that I can't seem to shake. Perhaps as I prepare for a late start of the semester, I will engulf myself in my coursework and other happenings on campus to take my thoughts away from the emptiness within a certain space within my being.
I suppose I'll keep you posted on how things go with that, in the meantime I'll enjoy spooky season and engage in more writing [as time away from coursework permits] and we'll see what comes of my present "situation" as I navigate singleness and "dating".
