my quiet heart

 "when the ego falls silent, the heart begins to speak. when the heart speaks, God listens."

Rumi

She whispers thoughts I often wish I could ignore, but they leave me wrestling with the certainty of her words. I know she is healing, evolving and wanting me to grow in the area of love and loving. When it comes to myself, I have come a long way yet to extend that love to others or another, I may fall short. 

She's the voice I believe I eavesdrop on; she only communicates with God and the Ancestors, often speaking in an ancient language I have yet to fully interpret.

I hear her loudly as I drift toward my dreams.

I feel her heart pounding randomly as she remembers love. 

A love I do not understand as my humanity leaves me questioning my capacity and the responsibility of extending love to someone other than myself in these times.

Rocko is gone, as I was dissatisfied with his treatment of me; I released him in a manic state of being. 

My family is as I reserve tables at restaurants, solo. 

So to think of inviting someone into my space, the vulnerable, deeply sheltered and selfish parts of myself seem to be reaching for me however, I am reluctant.

It is early morning and I have to travel to campus soon, so I am going to ponder on what all to share as I hear my love calling me to my dreams; and I will return sometime in the near future to continue the thoughts within my heart and mind to share...

I took a few days away, unintentionally.

In the quietness of my reality I faced a situation that became too familiar in the ways of treatment that I was dissatisfied with, a simple text message "I don't think we should see each other anymore"; I wrestled with it out of the option of loneliness, but knowing it was what is best for me. 

The idea of loneliness was irrelevant as I often felt lonely when we were together; which is the loneliest feeling of all.

I feel as if I am experiencing a reset or sorts. I am learning to listen to what my heart wants and actually hear what she is saying. 

It wasn't until this moment that I thought "I don't want to be alone", then again, I truly do.  In the sense of many failed relationships or situations I find unhappiness in. I believe I am a romantic yet when in the company of others I do not feel safe to express myself fully which is why I'd rather be alone than attempt to force or pretend.

As we approach the ending of the year I feel inclined to make plans for the new year. With the intention of making some major changes as I have not fully embraced the changes I've made thus far. This year was full of letting go, letting go of people and things that ran their course. 

I am no longer willing to explain to another adult person the bare necessities of how I want to be treated, especially when I tend to lead with the basics of the type of person I am. As a romantic, I've witnessed too many times how the beginning stages of getting to know someone tells of the little things that are meaningful only to find that those things slowly yet quickly become nonexistent in the interaction.

Times like these I think, perhaps I may be unlucky in love, then I am reminded of the Oscar Wilde quote stating "never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary" and I know why I have remained single for as long as I have. I know that the love I've experienced was extraordinary however, I believe it is not impossible to have again. 

I am old enough to have seen times and interactions change, I would say for the worst yet in my quiet heart I hear or feel a pull telling me not to give up altogether. Dating with the apps and other ways of which to meet people have proven to be a surefire way to disappointment for me. I've written about it before as an old-fashioned type of girl, lately the people I have met have been in- person yet something else I've written about in the past has been the representative. 

It appears as if I am as I say I am, so when I meet someone they claim to be similar only to show many ways in which we are not compatible. The last was the most evident, seeing habits and feeling as an afterthought was the last straw in determining to exit rather than old patterns of trying harder to experience the outcome I'd prefer.

Rather than make complaints I've chosen to take my preferences to that heart of mine which I have spoken about in this expression. Allowing myself the time to process what I truly want in a partner while working on myself in ways of healing. 

I feel eventually I will make space for myself and the reality of a prolonged singleness or by chance I'll meet someone who proves to be who they claim to be. Until then I'll continue to focus on rebuilding myself, listening to my heart, learning the others [I'll write about a few in the coming weeks] and continue to leave room for fun, experiences and growth.