current view

"you've made magic out of your wounds and that gives you every right to be cautious about who is allowed to experience you. the fruits of your healing are not for everyone to bite into"

@iambrillyant (instagram)

Lately I've been in a mood I can't quite describe; normally I would allow it to process and pass, but this mood is a bit different. I want it to stay; to transmute into creativity and show up on the blog. I felt the urge to write and I am not sure yet how the above quote factors into the words to come, but I am certain they will make sense by the end. I've written countless times of my heartbreak and recovering from such, now I want to write about love sometimes; not being in love, but love itself. I want to express the love I have in my heart for so many things aside for my love of the Moon and the beach. I find myself in a space where I simply love life; the circumstances aren't perfect, but I am feeling the happiness of what it means to be love. Usually I shy away from the topic because I censor what I've shared to an extent, now I am ready to stop holding back and just allow the words to take shape however they form. That's something I'm making a conscious effort to do with each post, not being afraid to share my heart with you. In the past I'd retract paragraphs and even revert posts back to a draft because of fear; I don't even know what I was afraid of, especially since most of you all don't know me outside of the blogs and social media accounts. Nonetheless, the desire to share came upon me and I conceded without hesitation. 

I used to be scared of love; the vulnerability it requires. I think the scars of loving the wrong people have healed and I am ready to find something new in the fruit I experience. Then I think, is that even possible to love the "wrong" people? Sometimes I think that the timing was wrong, not the person; but I don't dwell there. Dwelling in that space in my opinion only leads to nostalgic emotions which can be misleading as we tend to remember the good times and not the times of heartbreak or heartache. As Sade plays in the background reminding me that "love is stronger than pride" I am almost forced to allow my heart to take the role my mind usually plays in my writing. I feel unraveled, maybe it's because Spring is turning to Summer and my love for the Summer has taken over in some way. Smoke fills the air and my thoughts are scrambled, thinking of various things all at once; making me feel a sense of overwhelming emotions. That's been the thing lately, having feelings and emotions I do not know how to express. The desire to have a drink comes to mind, maybe the whiskey will help the words flow? I need to relax, I have so much tension in my body and I am unsure why. I feel it in my shoulders and the middle of my back; all the hard to reach places, but I'm wide awake. 

I still debate how vulnerable I want to be; I like to hide, in the background of things while vulnerability causes you to be seen or should I say, felt. That is something else I am growing into, allowing myself the space to be vulnerable. I used to view vulnerability as a weakness where others can use your sensitive parts to pull you apart for their own pleasure. Now I view it as a superpower, only the brave can be vulnerable because it puts you in a space of love. I spent/ spend a lot of time focused on self-care and self-love; at times it feels like a job because it requires so much time and attention, but the "rewards" are worth the effort. As I've reached a particular space in self-love I find myself not as cautious as I probably should be concerning who I allow experience it. So far I believe I've made good choices, but I suppose it's the "old" me that is fearful of being hurt again. I will admit, certain situations have made me nervous; wondering if I'm making the right decision and other times I feel myself taking the leap into the rabbit hole with no expectation of what's on the other side of it. I don't want to injure the wounds I've worked so diligently to heal, but I don't want to be afraid of life and all it has to offer. 

I'm reminded of a situation in 2019 where an ex-lover made a reappearance in my life and I was able to see my growth in a way that the experience left me with. There was this quote that comes to mind by Dream Hampton which reads: "don't leave my ocean for shallow waters then ask me about the Moon". I felt that deep in my being, it was as if the encounter was scripted; from previous experiences with them as if the plays in the book would be everlasting, but to our surprise my response wasn't quite the same. I realized the feelings of our exchange was confusing and everything I knew was against my better judgement, but I allowed it to play out just the same. After such an occurrence I feel as if I will not allow another to "bite into" the fruit of my progress in that way again. I believe that happened to show me where I was spiritually and where I desire to be; along with maturity and how I value myself. I feel as if I was made aware of a "blindspot" in myself that otherwise I would not have recognized. I feel as if I began 2020 with a new mindset regarding my heart and who I will allow to have access to it. The past two (2) years I've felt that strengthen and I am proud of myself for allowing it to happen without judgement or shame. 

I think at the time I did not embrace my singleness as I do now; I like dating and watching relationships unfold as they are without fear or overthinking. That's something I've never done; I've always had anxiety when dealing with certain situations, keeping me nervous or even intimidated at times. Scared to speak my truth or express myself fully and openly. I was told once or twice that I was "too much", the funny thing about that was the person(s) saying such didn't realize how much I was actually holding back. I'd think to myself, if this is too much how overwhelming it would be to show my self completely. I then allowed that to spill over into my creativity; at times losing the freedom to truly express myself as if no one was looking. I think I've found that space; where I can share without worry or concern of who's reading my words and possibly judging as opposed to reading my words and getting to know me in another aspect of who I am. It's interesting to me when people attempt to request my friendship on Facebook because I wonder how they want to know me. I don't use Facebook for that, it's strictly for family, but my instagram, twitter, tumblr and the blogs are the best way to know who I am and what I'm about in my opinion. As the Super Full Moon approaches I feel more connected to my chakras and learning which needs to be unblocked and which may be overstimulated. The Full Moon is also a time to align with kindness and forgiveness and the perfect time to let go of negativity in any form. 

I was lead to do a numerology reading and the result said: "You are being guided to move in a new direction, Hand over any fears and worries you may have regarding the changes that are presenting in your life right now to the Angels. Moving in a new direction will inspire adventure and will prove to be a very positive step for you." I think that aligns with the things I've been sharing lately, being inspired and ready for adventure while letting go of fear and worries. I then pulled a card from my Mystic Mondays deck and it was The Fool which reads: "How exciting! The fool is a card of pure spontaneous energy, filled with curiosity and enthusiasm for the next adventure. You're ready to step forward into a new journey where the sky's the limit! You have boundless potential where you can pour your exuberance into fresh creative endeavors. Living in the moment, you're learning to let go of expectations and to go with the flow! You are ready to venture into unknown territories and pioneer your free spirit self into this new phase of your life. With a carefree attitude, this is a time to really discover yourself in new ways and explore your options. Trust your gut, listen to your heart, and believe in yourself. Once you let go, the Universe will support you on this exciting beginning of your journey..." I feel as if following my intuition I am being pulled to a part of my journey that is unfamiliar, I suppose that's how it has to be in order for growth to flourish. I then think of being "tested", yet now I believe that is a man made construct put into our psyche to control us and instill fear of "failure" when making life choices.  I choose not to accept that thought process any longer.

Being free to live life and enjoy the ride of it all even with the ups and downs is all apart of the journey we find ourselves on. Taking chances, risks even; which is one thing about me, I am not usually a risk taker. However playing it "safe" hasn't always gotten the results I've set out to experience so I am learning to abandon the notion. I don't know how love was awakened within me, but I am learning to embody the emotions, thoughts and feelings associated with it. I am looking forward to the days ahead; because I feel as if I've gone through a portal of sorts, I feel as if I have been reborn and the lessons learned thus far have contributed to my growth and understanding of myself. I feel as if I understand myself in ways I've never thought possible. I now understand some of my behaviors better, especially after being diagnosed bipolar; so much makes sense now that didn't before. Learning more to lean on my intuition rather than my thoughts all of the time has given me a new outlook; I am less concerned with looking foolish rather I want to do what my soul needs. Even if that doesn't make sense to anyone else which reminds me of a post on the other blog which remained untitled as I re-read that post I was reminded of a few people recently suggesting that I write a book, I am beginning to feel inspired to do just that...

to be continued.