on my cloud

"be who you need"

unknown

I often joke saying "I need a Me in my life"; when I began saying that years ago I wasn't fully sure what I meant. As time went on and I experienced a particular level of aloneness I felt as if I didn't have a person in my life who checks on me the way I check in with others. After reading a meme recently, which said, "I wanna meet myself from another person's point of view and experience my own energy." I understand my joke a little more now than when I originally thought it, during that time is when I first learned about the concept of self-care and self-love and I began to drench myself in those things before they became "buzz words". I learned to listen to my thoughts as they may become my feelings and/or emotions; to listen to my heart as it knows what I need at any given moment and to listen to my Soul as it guides me through the unknown. By doing so I can observe my behaviors and manage myself in a way that is acceptable to me; although I am not perfect, I do attempt to be my authentic self; the good, bad and the flawed. The bad and acknowledging my flaws are teachable moments for me, looking at myself and knowing what is no longer serving me has been something that I've learned to do within the past hmmm twelve (12) years maybe. I read another quote which says "be who you needed when you were younger", author unknown; and although I am not a huge part of the lives of many young people I do try to impart the wisdom from my "hard knocks" to them in hopes that they may avoid certain pitfalls I was not savvy enough to escape. I wrote on Trust Issues vs.Intuition about how encouraging and motivating I am towards others yet did not extend that same level of care to myself, that was in late 2012; nearly ten (10) years ago. As I look back I can see a huge difference in how I treated myself then. as opposed to how I am with myself now. 

As I re-read old posts on the other blog this morning I was drawn to an expression I wrote in 2014 titled, Today's Color Therapy where I wrote about having "the blues" I did not expound on why they were there and I do not remember, however I did touch on a technique I'd learned in therapy which still helps today; color therapy. The past few days were some that "Holly Golightly" (see the film, "Breakfast at Tiffany's") would call "the mean reds" and I am not completely sure why; I thought I was just having a Mercury Retrograde day then realized Mercury had gone direct some time ago. I then thought perhaps it was one of those Junkie Days where I expressed my feeling towards being put on "drugs" to cope with my life. At the time I only took medications for anxiety and depression; now the conditions along with the medications have increased in number and I feel a way about that. At times skipping my daily dosage and focusing more on holistic remedies. I don't do that often as I know the consequences of it yet I still feel a way about "needing" drugs to deal with my life since the onset of these conditions. Early on one of the doctors I saw informed me that once you deal with an anxiety attack that forms into a disorder you will deal with it indefinitely. Even the memory of that conversation brings the feelings back as if it were yesterday and I am cautious not to allow it to spiral out of my control. I've been hospitalized quite a few times due to episodes of mental illness and the experiences left me with no desire to be in that position again.  So I take my "drugs" and allow them to maintain my particular level of sanity. Writing has always been therapeutic; however discovering my love for painting and now broadcasting has given me the feelings of optimism, cheerfulness and encouragement. Moods I needed to help pull me out of my funk; along with sets from my friend KingLeoPicasso's (follow him on Amp's app as well as social media) radio station a few times this week. 

Today I am in a space where I am thankful for the support I have and the encouragement to continue expressing my gifts (or is it talent?) with the world, outside my window. As I read an expression from 2013, Morning Coffee I feel inspired; I even intend to take a walk with my puppy (Rocko) even if it's just to the store a few blocks away. I've finished my coffee and find myself debating if I want another cup; I do, so I remember to microdose the Berry Pie cannabis oil due to the fact I already had some with my first cup. Followed by my "wake and bake" with Animal Mints flower; needless to say, I'm feeling good, just the vibe I want to continue as I prepare for my broadcast this evening on Moon Goddess Radio on Amp (app). I decided to roll a blunt, something I haven't done in a long while as I switched to smoking joints for some odd reason. The coffee is brewing and the blunt is rolled so I sit awaiting the next words that will find themselves on the page...

I remember deleting a ton of posts prior to making my other blog public in 2012; the first I shared publicly was "How Did I Get Here?".  I now regret deleting them; I began blogging in approximately 2006, I think. So imagine how many posts I really had versus the two hundred-seventy one (271) on there and sixty plus (60+) on here currently. I allow that thought to pass as I feel it bringing me to a lower vibration than I was moments before it came. I will admit, one thing I've observed from writing and going back to read previous expressions I find them to be quite uplifting to me. Not all of them, but the ones where I was able to tap into the feelings in which I wrote the words and remember my intentions at the time... 

I feel as if I began this post one way and it took a turn into something altogether different, it almost feels all over the place, but in my current condition I like it. I don't intend to censor this expression as this is the way it came to me. I am reminded of when I realized how I had grown so deeply in love with myself; not in a narcissistic way but the way in which I wrote about on "Pink Clouds; Hidden Moon". From my experience it was once I became the Me I needed consistently I am beginning to see and attract those same attributes from others. I am happy to say that I have those in my life now who check on me, take the time and energy to listen, share interests as well as encourage me to continue along this journey I find myself on. At times surprising me because it is so vastly different from how my life used to be; I don't see the need to follow that train of thought so I switch my focus to the song currently playing, "Pass The Dutchie" by Musical Youth. I find my fascination with marijuana humorous at times; I think I love weed in the same way as the Moon and the beach. Which reminds me to make arrangements to visit the beach this week at least once while it's nearby, I'd love to do Wednesday's broadcast from there if it makes sense at the time. As I am beginning to share more I think it's profound how the previous expressions come to mind as I am writing and tie into the things I am conveying at the time. At times allowing me to anticipate my next expression to see where it takes me as I am reminded of the girl I once was and the woman I am becoming. 

This year, specifically this month I decided to introduce my writing on the blogs and other social media to my family and some friends who had not known that part of me. I was nervous because it's one thing to share my thoughts, feelings and emotions with you all; seeing how the majority of you do not know me personally. After doing so it seems as if I've released the fear of being seen or known by those closest to me. It's as if I am finally able to channel my core self into my writing and I feel free to be myself and allow myself to be completely transparent; doing things like sharing consistently and broadcasting a radio show. I've shared that with a few people and they were surprised just as I was; however very supportive and encouraging; just like with the blogs. So I'd like to take a moment and say "Thank you, to my family and friends for your support; it means the world to me!" Now with a few hours left before I go live on Amp (app) I am feeling great regarding the fact that I've been able to compose an expression in one sitting as I mentioned in no drafts as opposed to taking days, weeks or at times months to complete them. Who would have thought the person I needed is the person I am becoming more and more with each day; experience, decision and accomplishment... 

I pray you all have a wonderful weekend celebrating Father's Day as well as Juneteenth; as always remember to celebrate responsibly. I intend to spend mine on my cloud; I hope you join me.

Kamille 💗✨