so long 2022

I woke up a few minutes before 3am, I ate another gummy; now I'm awaiting it to "kick in" so I can feel the effects. Soon after eating it I had a thought, "I want to write, but I don't know what to say"' so here I am. As Roy Ayers plays in the background singing about the third eye I feel myself focusing on my own third eye or intuition. I am happy to say I've been better at "listening" to my intuition this year, however there have been some pivotal times when I did not. I am using those instances as "lessons learned". 

I began this expression a few days ago, not knowing what I wanted to share; and honestly I still don't. I feel as if I am one with myself these days, I know that may sound strange; but I feel whole. A feeling I haven't felt in quite sometime; honestly since the diagnosis of anxiety, depression and bipolar disorders. For years, I felt as if I would never feel like "myself" again; and although managing these disorders is a "full time job" I am beginning to see myself as I never have. I am feeling love and loved, first extended to myself and then to others; I also feel it reciprocated. 

I feel my intuition is nearly as strong as it was prior to the trauma which caused the initial anxiety attack back in 2012. I feel stable; with the proper medication, meditation, prayer and other natural remedies. After 10 years I feel as if I have the right concoction to keep me going in a good way. I will admit, I didn't think that was possible when I was first diagnosed due to the language the doctors spoke. Now I have a ton of ways to cope and reduce "triggers"; not that nothing triggers me anymore, I think I just handle them better and make sure I take the necessary "me time" when they are experienced. 

As I am sitting here, the thought to start the New Year reading Sacred Woman, by Queen Afua along with completing the corresponding journal crossed my mind. I believe it's the right time seeing how I purchased the set in 2016. I've tried to begin that journey yet for whatever reason I have not successfully completed it. I believe I feel with my new age approaching this may be the right time. Although I'll be out of town in the New Year; I can begin it on the 3rd day which doesn't take too much time away from a good start. Now that I'm thinking about it, I feel as if I have taken so much time to begin it because I felt it would challenge some of my thoughts and habits; the ones I was not ready to "give up". 

I believe I am now in a space where I can challenge those things about myself and take some necessary steps to living a more holistic lifestyle. I've dabbled in the pescatarian lifestyle some years ago, but fell off and I don't even remember what happened to change that. However, now I feel as if I can give up chicken, beef and turkey and stick to a pescatarian diet. I want to see results in my weight loss journey and I know certain things are hindering that. Maybe I'll transition to vegetarian or vegan in the years to come; I am. open to it.

As a milestone age approaches in a few years I feel like taking some steps to being the woman I envision myself to be, I see myself inching closer to her with each year that passes and I am so proud of myself for not regressing back to the person I was prior to accepting this journey I find myself on. I've always been "spiritual" in a sense, but it's been about 17 years since I really begun learning and growing into spirituality and 10 years since I experienced an "awakening" that changed my life.

I recall being in my room in my first apartment after moving out of my family home and as the music played and incense burned I felt as if I had fallen into a trance and once I "awakened" I was no longer the person I was prior to that experience. My language changed to more positive words and my behavior was more mindful (in my opinion). I began to see areas where I needed to grow or rather mature. I was such a brat in my younger days, realizing how many relationships were stifled because of it. 

I don't dwell on the space I was once in, now I look back and see growth. As I stated earlier in this expression, I feel love; which is a concept that I've taken from scripture which says "love is kind..." I believe I've put forth an effort to be kinder, more patient and loving. I don't recall which year I made that resolution, but I am happy I did and am now seeing the "fruit" of those seeds planted in my heart. 

I can see how those genuine changes have improved several relationships in my life. Some I never thought would be rekindled and others that I knew needed a little more effort on my part, I will say that as I grow I am noticing others around me growing as well. I've also learned which relationships had served their purpose and we no longer for the highest good of anyone involved. Releasing those energies weren't as difficult as I once thought them to be; especially the one which comes to mind. As I reflect on that relationship I say a little prayer that the person I am thinking of stays where they're at and does not choose to disrupt my peace. 

I have yet to think of a title for this expression, I realize I say that a lot; with all the writing I've done thus far titles are usually the trickiest as they do not come easy to me in summing up what I've spoken about. The music is playing from my show on Moon Goddess Radio and I am enjoying the vibes, there's no incense burning, but my cigarette smoke is making me wish I could smoke reefer in my apartment like I used to. The good thing is I have edibles and oil, which comes in handy when neighbors complain about smoke. 

Now I'm in a mood... for lovin'; it may be the songs that I've been playing or simply missing my lovers. I have yet to find a girlfriend, but I'm in no rush for that anymore. After a brief exchange with a woman from online, I've decided to allow that to take the backseat for now. I believe since I've put the energy into the Universe for such to find me I will see where things go in 2023. I believe that's the best approach to that aspect of my life since trying to "find" a girlfriend has seemed to be a bit problematic. 

Anyway... Since this is most likely my last expression of the year I'd like to say I pray you all have a safe and memorable New Year! Let's make 2023 a year of growth, abundance and whatever else comes to your mind/heart as you read that sentiment. 

Love,

Kamille 💗🌟

wrapping up 2022

As I scrolled social media, I stumbled upon a quote which reads: "what if you started loving yourself the way you want them to love you?" and I stopped in my tracks. As I pondered that question I realized I'd asked myself that some years ago; which is when I took a deep dive into self-care and self-love. During that time I felt as if I was giving "love" yet I did not feel it reciprocated. Soon after I read a quote by Rumi, which was," the love you seek is seeking you". I decided to go inward and find more of the love I had to share and began to share it with myself. I believe at that time was when I introduced the idea of "Kamille Appreciation Day", which is a day or a few where I spend time with myself; doing anything I want to do with myself during that time. 

It was during a "Kamille Appreciation Day" when I decided to return to college nearly 20 years after dropping out. I felt more confident in myself and my goals and thought I could "give it a try and see where it goes". I am excited to say I received an "A" in my English; Creative Non-Fiction course! I had so much fun and anxiety during this class as I awaited grades and was pushed outside of my comfort zone to accomplish the desired grade on each assignment. With that said, I am looking forward to the courses I've chosen for the Spring semester and I am hoping to keep up my 4.0 gpa. 

As we enter Capricorn season and the ending/beginning of a year, I feel as if I am in anticipation of what's to come with the New Year and my new age. I've surprised myself so much this year with stepping outside of my comfort zone and growing more into the woman I am becoming. I began asking myself "hard questions" and being totally honest in my answers, resulting in coming to terms with some unacknowledged thoughts and behaviors that are not for my highest good. Going back to college was a big deal for me because my previous experience wasn't exactly the best; with many obstacles causing me to focus on career instead. 

I feel as if I've challenged myself in ways I did not think would be as successful as it's been, I think the surprise came in because somewhere in my subconscious mind I believed I was not "smart enough" or "focused enough" or just "enough" to do well much less accomplish a 4.0 gpa on my first "try" back to school. However with determination and the proper support system, I was able to do just that! 

Today is my third day of partaking in an edible, I choose to buy a couple tins of gummies and just eating one when the mood strikes me. The other day I believe I ate two by mistake; nonetheless I felt Great! I'm sure that's what has inspired me to write after so much time has passed since my last expression before the brief check in recently. The music is playing and the incense is burning; I intend to use a lavender smudge soon to purify my home in preparation for the New Year. That's something I've never been inclined to do until this year.  

I hope you all have a Happy Holiday, or just a wonderful weekend if you choose not to celebrate the holiday's. I hope to share again soon yet as always, time will tell.

Kamille

a quick check in

“I can no other answer make, but, thanks, And thanks, and ever thanks.”

William Shakespeare

I had a tough couple of weeks; however I was surrounded by love and support which made things a bit "easier" to bare. I began writing something entirely different last week, but decided to delete and begin again. I am not sure what I want to share yet, nonetheless I allowed the above quote to remain. In these moments I realized how grateful and thankful I am to be alive. I am appreciative for God; my family and friends who surrounded me in prayers, well-wishes and those who actually came to spend time with me while I was recovering. 

When we go through things it seems cliche to say how our health, usually physical is something we are grateful for. I will say although I am still in pain, I am grateful for my physical, mental as well as emotional health. I'm sure you all are wondering, "what happened?"; well, I was recently involved in a car accident. I won't go into detail about it, but I survived it and that's what's important to me these days.  

My emotional support animal, Rocko, has been on his job as of late more than ever before. He makes me laugh and smile with his shenanigans, and also cuddles with me when it's nap time; which is more often then before...

I began this expression nearly two weeks ago, I haven't been inspired to say anything more than the above so I'll leave it as is; in a space of gratitude and thankfulness. As we enjoy the holiday season and New Year I pray that we take each moment as it is and appreciate all that we have. Not speaking about gifts and "things", but peace of mind, health, family, friends, etc.

Happy Holidays!

 

the weed made me say it

 "observe the wonders as they occur around you. don't claim them. feel the artistry moving through, and be silent"

Rumi

Days ago I stumbled upon a journal prompt which read "How am I feeling about life at the moment?"; I later revisited the above quote, for a moment I was silent, pondering the quote and the question. I feel as if I have written this before on the blog, however, currently I am enjoying life; I feel as if various areas are in a "good place". When I think of those "various areas", I am thinking mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. 

I feel so many wonders around me, I attribute them to being blessings therefore can not claim them as my own. I see and feel the artistry moving throughout my being and into the atmosphere, putting me in a space of awe in admiration of God's creations. From the views at the beach to the beautiful Sunsets and various phases of the Moon. 

The music plays and I recall a time when I wanted to learn to play the violin, I have yet to begin that journey. However, I am considering if that is something I really want to try. My latest hobby has been painting; I want to dive a little deeper down that path at the moment. I feel free when I paint, as if I am in another creative space so different from writing. Although I have various spaces to write my thoughts, such as the blogs, twitter, my creative writing journal, etc. I feel different when writing on each outlet. 

As I sit remembering the week that has passed, I smile; thinking of all of the wonderful things that's happened to me and those around me.  I am also reminded of not so good news, I pray that there is peace and some sort of reassurance for the circumstances...

I realize the end of the year is quickly approaching and a new age is on the horizon, I am excited for the new year! I feel as if I've said that for the past few years and each year has been a bit better than the one before. This year I allowed friends and family to celebrate my birthday with me, next year I have plans with friends; some things I've wanted to do for quite some time. The anticipation created excites me, like a child counting down until Christmas. 

As my course is coming to an end with a few weeks break until the next courses begin, I feel excited. I know I've used that word several times in such a short period of time, "excited"; but I don't know how else I'd like to describe how I'm feelings at the moment about these things. It's taken a couple of days to write this and I have yet to think of a title, to be honest I don't even know where this expression is going from here; however as usual I am going to allow my fingers and heart to do the typing and see what comes.

Usually I speak about what I feel as opposed to what I"m thinking, tonight I am not sure if that's going to be any different. I am in a mood, this playlist from a previous radio show I curated is adding "fuel to the fire". I feel as if I want to be touched in a way that makes me feel delighted and wanted, I want to be outside, under the Moonlight with a joint and relax under the stars before a beautiful sexual encounter takes place. I've been in this mood for too long and I don't know when it will end. I feel as if I am yearning for that type of closeness. 

I think my chakras are a bit imbalanced; specifically my Sacral chakra. "according to some traditions, the sacral chakra is linked to pleasure, sexuality and joy", I feel as if this chakra may be blocked because of feelings of anxiety and loneliness according to the article. I want balance yet I feel a bit insatiable at the moment, like I'll have an encounter, but it won't be "enough".  Then I ask myself, "what is enough?" 

I am reminded of the last session with my lover where I climaxed a total of five (5) times! I want to go into detail, but I won't. I'll just say, it was amazing! Yet, that feels like an understatement. What's better than "amazing"? I think of that day often, it arouses me each time it comes to mind. That may have been one of our best times together, there's too many to put into a "top 5", but I'm sure that's in the "top 10" for sure! 

How did we get here? I suppose all the talk of what's exciting me actually got me "excited", the music playing isn't helping since it's from a "hump day" show on Moon Goddess Radio. I will admit I enjoy having people in my life that I can express my sexuality with, all that's missing is a girlfriend. I posted on my twitter the other day, "I'm tired of swiping left... I want a girlfriend already!" I meant that, I think I'm ready to have a woman in my life that I can express the other desires I have that only a woman can fulfill. I've experienced what I'm longing for before and it was beautiful. 

Thoughts of my first experiences with women come to mind, but that's a story for another time. What I will say is, from my experiences, my relationships with women have been much more sensual than with men and I miss that. The caresses, gentle touches, kisses; everything is just so much closer to making love than anything else and I want that. I feel like that's what's missing when I think about how I'm feeling about life at the moment. I have passion with my lover, but I want more than that in this moment. 

I want to have the passion and sensuality at the same time, imagining my lover the both of us has my thoughts racing. Feeling my body respond to the thoughts has me wanting to experience the sensations of it all right now! Unfortunately, it's not as easy as it sounds or I imagine it to be. It turns me on to think of... never mind. 

I feel as if I'm making matters worse by writing these things; especially since some of them are out of my control. Not to mention the time it will take to cultivate such a relationship with a woman that I'll feel comfortable being intimate with and introducing her to my lover for a session, or two. Perhaps, as I am writing these things the Universe will put things in place in the new year to make it a reality...

Here's hoping.

Rumi seems to say "be silent" a lot; another quote that comes to mind says "be quiet. find acquaintances with silence. go inside, delve into your heart. take a day off from the clamor."; in my heart there is no doubt that I can manifest my desires. The noise or clamor are the thoughts of how difficult it would be or if it would be as fantastic as my fantasy makes me think it will be.

The fantasy takes place at a swinger's club, I feel as if I would be more comfortable rather than my home or some type of hotel. I feel as if the inhibitions would be at the proper level and I would feel free to explore the evening without worrying about anything that would normally cause me to overthink the adventure. I think that's what I want, an adventure. I'm yearning for something and I feel as if this latest fantasy is what I want. However, I am not sure if I want the woman to be a stranger; I'd feel more comfortable if there were some type of "relationship" in place prior to this happening.

Now I wish my lover were here, yet he's unavailable and I am consumed with thoughts of our encounters; like, the other day in an empty parking lot. The thought "any time, any place" comes to mind as Janet Jackson sings the words in her song of the same title. Or in a park, as I drive though the city I can come across various parks where we've made memories and I smile; in silence as I relive those moments briefly. 

Alien OG has an effect on me; I typically smoke sativa or a hybrid, it's said to have "euphoric" side effects. I feel as if the euphoria has ignited levels of arousal and I am without an outlet to release these urges. Soon, yet soon is not soon enough. This mood has been lingering for about a week now and I feel as if I am going to explode. The song plays and I am entranced with thoughts of love making; wanting, needing to be fulfilled. My body is talking and I'm listening, awaiting the moment I can give her what she longs for; until then I'll just write about it from time to time.

dark as a thousand midnights

His skin is dark as a thousand midnights, chocolate and smooth like velvet. His mind is sharp with quick wit and great imagination; he keeps me wanting to know more with each encounter. When our bodies are intertwined, it's like a thousand midnights; I can't find my way out, and honestly I never want to. 

He kissed my forehead and I melted, wanting the kisses in more places; sensual and kind then messy and intense as they explore my body lower and lower. I can't deny the love I feel when he's near me; I feel like giving him all of me and watching him savor the memory we are making.

There's years of memories in my mind, creating flashbacks at any given moment. Like, the time he made my body explode five (5) times in one session; that was the most recent memory that comes to mind often. With him I want to go to the edge of the Earth and back again; as long as I he is with me. 

I feel like a teenager in love, before the heartbreaks and heartaches; before any jadedness caused by love's lost. There's a hopefulness that enables me to enjoy a playful side of myself that is rarely shown in any other atmosphere. He awakened a space in me years ago where I can experiment in a way that feels safe, secure and free of judgement. 

I am learning to dwell in that space when we are together, although it hasn't come as easy as I would like it to; I feel it expanding with each interlude. The quality of time spent far outweighs the quantity of minutes, hours, days apart; it's as if time lapses and the world is still for as long as we are together.

I am in love. 

I don't know the moment he engulfed my heart, but thoughts of him consume me; filling me up and overflowing with immense desire. The desire to be touched by him, to look deeply into his eyes and hear him say "everything is okay". 

The feeling of safety creates an appetite for spontaneity, passion and the yearning to discard all inhibitions. I feel free; to say and do whatever comes to mind in those moments, "any time, any place" comes to mind. Leaving the bedroom from time to time and enjoying one another in the Sunlight or under the stars.

The idea of being together in obscure places, maybe being seen by passersby or even being heard excites me; he invades my dreams and takes me with so much passion I awake thinking it was reality. At times I rush to sleep just for another rendezvous, laying in bed, watching videos we've shared with one another or staring at photos sent.

Longing for the next time we'll see each other, counting the minutes until he is in my presence; like a lovestruck person in need of what he has for me.

mermaid

While at the beach I took a relaxing nap, allowing the energy from the ocean and the Sun to cleanse my being and provide "grounding"; as I embraced the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing. As I awakened, I felt refreshed; I feel so "at home" at the beach. The waves call out to me as if to say "come home", it's the mermaid in me that makes me feel that way. I had thoughts of my lover being there with me, on the lifeguard tower. I believe that thought comes to mind each time I visit the beach. Thoughts of him caressing my skin while looking into my eyes and saying "everything is okay", Although I've known him for quite some time, I am learning to be comfortable around him again; I know it's because I fear being vulnerable with him. 

In the past I used to want to seem perfect to him, now I am more myself; and I feel as if things between he and I are better than they've ever been. Yet, I still have the issue of not necessarily wanting to allow anyone too close to me; I suppose for fear that they'll see my flaws up close. I used to be such a perfectionist, then I taught myself to decide "what is enough?". I realized that being "perfect" was an illusion and to attempt to force myself to be perfect was not only unrealistic, but detrimental to my well-being. Since doing so I feel much more in tune with myself; my wants, needs and desires. I feel as if they are all attainable, whereas before learning that lesson, I felt everything was "out of my reach". Even the goals I'd set for myself, I'd become a workaholic trying to accomplish them to no avail. 

Mainly, I thought the goals I had set for myself were unattainable, yet they were such that society programs you to desire. It wasn't until I let go of societies demands that I began to feel more myself. I experienced an "awakening" approximately July 4, 2012; to use terms from spirituality, I felt as if "a veil had lifted" and I was able to "see" clearly. If memory serves me correctly I was participating in a cleanse at the time. As I type these words, "Closer" by Goapele plays softly in the background and I am reminded of my dreams; I have a thought to go to bed so I can meet my dreams, then realize I can do that awake. Daydreaming has always been a practice I enjoy, having the idea that my thoughts are creating the reality I dream of. Feelings of hopefulness invade my being and I smile. The song changed, but the energy remains; feeling joyful and happy. 

A feeling that's been consistent for quite some time now, being a spiritual person doesn't necessarily mean you're happy or even positive all of the time. That's also something I had to learn, however I realize that there is always something to be happy about and when I find myself being not so positive, I tap into my thoughts and find the source of the thought(s) in order to redirect it, or them. There's a home I'd love to purchase when I win the Powerball, I reviewed the photos again recently to keep it in my subconscious mind. When I am asleep and lucid dream, I imagine myself there, at home. I see how I'd spend the day and walk throughout the home and smoke by the pool or while relaxing in the jacuzzi. 

I love the water, you name it: bath, pool, jacuzzi and/or ocean; not only for the tranquil properties experienced there, but always because I feel like I belong there. I love mermaids, I think the idea of them are so beautiful; I've painted one, and I believe that is my favorite painting I've done. I want to invest in painting supplies, but I often forget until I am in a mood, such as the one I am in now where I want to be creative in a way that is something other than writing. Speaking of writing, I know it's been a while since I last posted an expression on the blog; mainly because I've been so focused on the English course I am in. I realize although I am not working that doesn't diminish the "type A personality" that comes natural to me. However, I don't experience the same level of perfectionism as I used to, allowing the anxiety to flow through me when it arrives and transmute into eagerness, creating a more positive experience when completing assignments.

My next assignment is an author presentation and I must record a video; I will admit, I am nervous. I prefer to be "behind the scenes", however I am forced out of my comfort zone; which is something I expected when registering for this course. I did not know how much out of said comfort zone I would be required to go, but so far I have done well with it. Experiencing anxiety from time to time, but the great thing is I have the time between assignments to allow the anxiety to pass and complete what's due. I don't feel rushed which would increase the level of anxiety I have and possibly cause a bout of depression. I feel centered within myself these days, allowing feelings and emotions to come up and show me areas within myself that may need attention or mindfulness. 

Now back to my presentation, I had a thought to write it out and see what comes; that way if it's good I can read it as if it were a teleprompter. My idea is to record it at the beach, with the ocean as the background; luckily the rain set for the day in which I intended to "shoot" my video is no longer on the forecast. As I sit here I can envision myself speaking the words as I sit on a blanket at the beach while the Sun is at its height of the day. I plan to smoke a joint or two to get me in the right vibe to be personable and enthusiastic. Two traits I don't display openly for some reason, I believe it's back to the issue of vulnerability. As defined, vulnerability is "willingness to show emotion or to allow one's weaknesses to be seen or known: willingness to risk being emotionally hurt". When the concept came to mind before it was often accompanied by Murphy's Law which states "everything that can go wrong, will". Then I discovered the reverse (literally), which is Yhprum's Law which says "everything that can go right, will".

I'm beginning to look at vulnerability a bit different, because the latter part about being willing to risk being hurt emotionally and thinking that it will was quite pessimistic and depressing; but the thought that showing emotions and allowing "weaknesses" to be known and things going right can put things in a alternate perspective thus creating a totally different reality. Since beginning that practice of thinking of or saying yhprum's law simply changes the vibration from fear of something going wrong to more positive outcomes in times of vulnerability, for me. The thought comes to mind that I should practice that concept with my lover as well and not just with things such as goals, dreams, hopes and desires. I've begun reciting yhprum's law in my mind as I think of how to do my presentation video; I believe the weather will be nice and my words will flow nicely no matter how many times I'll need to record and re-record.

Being in the flow of things or should I say, being in alignment is beneficial because things seem to come together effortlessly, although other's aren't privy to the effort it actually took to accomplish whatever it is being done. I would love to transcend what seems to be a slight inability to be vulnerable in more areas of my life. I suddenly feel as if being that way no longer serves the highest good of myself or those in my life. This video presentation opened the door to these thoughts, since it requires a level of vulnerability on my part as I am recording myself speaking on a topic I know a little about. Not wanting to show any weakness that will affect the grade I receive, as "petty" as that may seem; yet monumental for a self-proclaimed recovering perfectionist, workaholic and type A personality. 

"In A Sentimental Mood" by Duke Ellington and John Coltrane plays and I am reminded of the refreshing nap I took at the beach recently. I slept for what may have been two (2) hours, fast forward to today; it's my friend's birthday yet he is no longer here to celebrate. He would have been 49 years old today. In the past I would be sad today because of that, but today I am happy to have known him for the years that he was apart of my life. It's truly a treasure to have such friends, where the conversations, feelings and experiences shared are life changing and lasts throughout the years whether they are still around or not. In the time I was away from the blog I also celebrated my Dad's birthday, he would have been 62 years old. I remembered conversations, jokes, dinner's and the like that we shared and smiled or laughed and continued to do so throughout the month of October. I even attended four (4) parties that month, quite far from my comfort zone as I am known to be a "homebody". 

I think to light an incense and allow it to mix with the music and creative energy I feel to take me back to my daydreams. My lover comes to mind again, these aren't daydreams though; more like fantasies. It's nearly 1:30 am and I am no closer to sleep than had it been 1:30 pm; feeling rested from the nap I took yesterday afternoon. I was told recently, for the second time this year that I "lack substance", which I find interesting because I consider myself to dwell in the deep; perhaps I keep some of that to myself however I feel that I share some of that with you. Which was mentioned as well, the sentiment was that I'd "rather share such things with strangers". When I give those statements a bit of thought I asked myself "is that also a vulnerability issue?"; at first glance, I don't think it is because sharing thoughts would not be an emotional risk, or would it?

I suppose it could be a risk if I became emotional regarding the response or reaction to what I choose to share. As I take a chug of water, I realize that may need a little more thought in order to process the idea of sharing thoughts and vulnerability. I don't know where or how I developed this fear, I just know that it is coming up now in order to be attended to and transmuted in a way that is for my highest good. As 2:00 am approaches and I have no idea how this expression will conclude I suppose I'll just say, to be continued...

Until next time,

Kamille

a month in the making

I've gone to the beach four (4) times in three (3) days, all of which were magical; especially because I spent time with the Moon while there. I also had a couple of cannabis infused beverages while relaxing at the beach, I love watching the surfer's; but they haven't been out as much as they were earlier in the Summer. It's already September! The time seemed to fly by, especially once I registered for college. I believe I'm already in week four (4); beginning one of the more challenging assignments that I truly do not feel like doing, at least the main part of it. It seems so tedious and I am not in the mood, however in addition to the three (3) units I want for this class I have a goal of getting an "A" as well; so I must do it and give it my best, that is when I feel more in the mood.

So my Grammie turned ninety (90) years old the other day, I went out of town to visit with her since she's so close. I also have plans with another relative who lives in said town. I'm very much a "homebody', however times like this requires me to get out of my comfort zone. I've always been an introvert, but with the pandemic I've grown fonder of being home or with family. I actually went to the mall recently, but I went straight to the stores I went to visit and came back out. That was a lot for me, seeing how I rarely go to such public places these days. Being around crowds gives me such anxiety I tend to shy away from them. 

I completed my assignment and I feel good about what I shared. I was also able to spend time with the Moon, which was Full and as beautiful as ever. It rained recently, I love the rain; well, when I don't have to drive in it for a long distance. The music is playing, however I ran out of my favorite vanilla incense. I forget the name of the store that I purchased them from, I just know it by memory when I visit a particular mall in a nearby city. I intend to go to that part of town soon so I plan to remember to pick some up. I haven't been to those stores since my tarot reader began working for himself.

Not only did I complete the assignment for this week, I completed next week's assignment as well. So now I have nothing to do, which I dislike; because I know it's a man made construct, but I feel like I should be "doing" something; yet I have nothing to "do". I'm just "being" and that's how it's "supposed" to be in the spiritual aspect of who we are. I don't know if I'm not used to it or if it makes me uncomfortable? Or perhaps a combination of the two? I thought taking a class would occupy more of my time, but unfortunately it doesn't. I won't complain about that because I know I will have more to do next semester. I've gotten "A"s on all of my graded assignments thus far and my professor says I'm a "strong writer" and that she is looking forward to reading my next submission; of course that made my day!

When I attempted to attend college after high school I was ill prepared, I also faced various challenges that made it difficult to give it my all. Resulting in getting a job and working without thinking about going back; that is until 2015, however with anxiety and such I panicked when I was informed I'd have to attend in person rather than online as originally planned. So again, I dropped my classes and went on with life; until extreme boredom gave me the thought to try again recently. It just so happened that I got the idea a week before classes started, I was able to get the majority of my business handled prior to my first day of my course. The astronomy course begins next month and I am excited to learn about stars and galaxies! I've always been fascinated by the Universe so getting to know more about it and the course counts towards my transfer credit is a bonus. 

I've been writing this expression for nearly a month, I want it to be complete so I can publish; but I don't know where it's going or even have a title as of yet. As I sit in bed, listening to music I felt compelled to write something, I just don't know what that is; so as usual I'll allow my fingers the room to flourish and see what comes...

I'm a week ahead with my assignments for the course I am taking and as stated earlier, excited for my astronomy course beginning in a few weeks. I've been basking in the success of my school life a lot because another area has been falling short; my "love life" has been a bit disappointing lately. I've asked myself "what energy am I exuding to attract disappointing outcomes?" and the answer came from a book I flip through on occasion, "The Energy of Emotions" by Emily Maroutian; where it speaks of the pessimists, where the writer suggests that doubt, disappointment and skepticism are all a form of the same energy. I've been skeptical of my lover; not in a sense of "is he being honest?", but more so if our plans will go as stated and there's always been a bit of doubt while anticipating the date. Then when something "comes up" I feel as if I were "prepared" for it to happen that way. Which was the energy I was attempting (poorly) to avoid. Although we can not control the circumstances of another we can control ourselves. The doubt or skepticism of wondering if I'll see him on said day and time leaves room for "comfort" when it doesn't happen. The idea is that perhaps subconsciously the seed of doubt comes in and makes peace with the situation so when disappointment comes I feel as if "I knew this would happen this way".

To be optimistic regarding our plans seems "too" hopeful; while the possibility of them not taking place seems more "realistic". Which is partly why I've experienced said outcomes; because it's all the same energy; doubt, disappointment, etc. From what I understand the author to have said is that being in the energy of doubt leaves room for disappointment to come in and not "shake things up" because "I knew it!" It's all manifestation in the end, the doubt manifests disappointment; the same with worry and such. They say "worry is like praying for an outcome you don't want." In analyzing my love life I must recognize the energy I bring to the table and ask myself if I am in some way sabotaging myself. As a Capricorn Sun (astrology) it is said that we are "born pessimists" and I find that to be somewhat true, it's as if "we" are always looking for "the other shoe to drop"; especially if/when things are going well. 

When I am anticipating seeing him I begin to have such anxiety; like yesterday, I vomited and had to take a probiotic to "settle" my stomach. The pressure I felt to perform was a bit too much at the time and I believe subconsciously I was hoping to find a way out of it. Although I truly wanted to spend time with him I was feeling a little insecure and fearful, sometimes I think the more time he spends with me the more he'll realize something about me that he doesn't like. We don't have those conversations, honestly I don't have this conversation with anyone it's just coming out as my fingers express the thoughts of my heart. I fear he'll leave me or maybe he doesn't really want to see me for some reason. That's when skepticism comes in and says "other things are more important than our time together". As I typed those words I realize I don't believe that to be true, I don't even know where that comes from, maybe fear or insecurity? 

However I do recognize that I do not wish to feel this way any longer, doubtful, anxiety filled and disappointed. Friday, I was in a bad mood; because our plans failed. Saturday, I saw the effort, but again something came up. I was mad for a moment then came understanding; I feel as if anxiety, fear and doubt manifested the outcome which would keep me in my comfort zone. Today I realize a conversation should be had, but for now I don't have the words to say. While on my end I am going to improve upon this doubt and worry that seems to be sabotaging what I really want. I am glad this came up during the New Moon as it is said to be an introspective time and represents new beginnings as well as a time to set clear intentions and such. I feel as if today is a new day and everything before now is in the past, not in a sense that it doesn't matter, but more like a chance for a fresh start with more clarity and understanding. My desire is for things to work out for the both of us and I am willing to reevaluate my thoughts, feelings, emotions and how these things are working together to bring forth the results of the past few months.

I took a moment to find my thought and what came to me is, "do I really want to be happy?"; then "do I feel I deserve to be happy?" and if so, why am I subconsciously doing things that create unhappiness? Where does that come from? What limiting beliefs do I have concerning relationships that create such anxiety and doubt? How do I discover and overcome those beliefs? My friends think I need to meet another lover, my response is "I need another lover like I need a hole in my head". After dealing with my "man friend" I've discovered I don't want to "see what's out there"; at least not at this time. Aside from spending more time with my lover, I am happy with my situation and adding another will only complicate that. I feel as if I don't have the emotional or mental capacity to entertain another man and his personality right now. I want to get things on the right track with my lover and enjoy him and only him. 

The question comes to mind, "what does my heart desire?" and as I ponder the thought I am immediately reminded of the interaction with my lover a few years back; where we spent enough quality time together and how felt as if nothing was lacking. Many years has passed since then as well as a change of circumstances, but I feel as if we can get to a space similar to that because we were there before. After four (4) years apart we have grown so I don't expect things to be the same as they once were, but I do know that we are learning one another and the people we have become. That doesn't magically happen within a few months, it takes time and communication. I've learned from this weekend areas where I am manifesting outcomes I do not wish to experience and calling it reality; when it doesn't have to be this way. It can be as beautiful as I envision it to be and that will take some effort on my part, I don't feel as if I have been doing the minimum, but I do know I can improve on a few things when it comes to communication such as avoiding the difficult conversations and only being one or two aspects of myself. 

I have some questions to answer for myself and intentions to set in alignment with the life I desire. I feel as if I've made the first step with going back to college and putting forth my best effort in the course I'm taking. Deciding to pursue a degree has been the biggest commitment I've made in a very long time. As the music plays and I take a few sips of my cannabis infused coffee, I feel a bit free; realizing the major revelation discovered through writing this expression. As sacred time begins I pray for family, friends as well as family of friend; hoping for peace and happiness. I feel delighted to start the day and feel the effects of my concoction! I also pray for the words to express to my lover; a friend told me of a time when he experienced a similar situation where he was on the "offending" end and the offended party made him "feel like shit", that is not my goal or intention. My desired outcome is clarity, understanding and better communication moving forward. 

I think it's time I come to terms with and be honest about the relationship I truly want. A family member feels as if I am "settling", however did not fully express in what ways, yet she asked "do you want another twenty (20) years of the same thing?". When I reminisce, I am reminded of the years where we were on and I can't fully remember when we fell off at times other than when I was seeking something from another and shifted focus; I imagine he had times of the same. That is why I don't wish to go back into the dating pool, I don't want to shift my focus, I want to invest in this relationship and see what possibilities are to come. While I was upset on Friday, I thought "perhaps I should give him space to reevaluate his situation" but that will just be giving up on what we could have. I believe that is the outcome anxiety, doubt and skepticism is expecting; throwing in the towel at the first instance of things not going "my way". Something that I've done too many times in this life, letting go of what I want out of fear that I'll lose it anyway. 

I have a thought to chug my coffee since it's cooled off considerably in order to expedite the effects of the cannabis oil, but from experience micro-dosing is best. Self improvement is something that is really important to me, I feel as if this situation is teaching me an area where I need to evolve, I've outgrown the defense mechanisms of the past; seeing how the ones associated with relationships have not panned out the way I envisioned them. As we enter the last quarter of the year and my new age is quickly approaching I feel as if it's time to take that leap. A deep dive into my feelings, pulling out what I've been afraid to face when it comes to romance; I consider myself a "hopeful romantic" yet I often shy away from saying and doing things that would "prove" that to be true. I must ask myself, "where are areas in my mind that circumvent a healthy romantic relationship?" and "how can I release these limiting beliefs?". I know that I want to love and be loved, at times however I don't always know what that looks like. 

I've been awake for hours, wishing I could text him and say the things my heart feels, but it's too early. I wish he were here and I was in his arms, looking deeply into his eyes. Wanting to feel wanted, he does that very well; making me feel as if he wants me in the same ways that I want him. I know he means it, I know him to be an honest person, saying what he means and being straight forward so I don't question that. It's the part that anxiety toys with, especially since realizing my "man friend" is a liar; anxiety and doubt tries to generalize to have me believe I'm being lied to. That it's a game to make me feel "stupid" for loving and/or trusting someone. I know that is a fear, but what I didn't know is that I felt that way; until I just typed it. As I await daylight, I feel better than I did when I began writing this expression; I feel as if a lot of insight was discovered. I intend to write in my creative journal detailing my intentions for my love life; I am not completely certain why that is the topic of the day, but here we are.

The expression "sometimes you break my heart" comes to mind, as I read the words shared I was reminded of the years my heart was broken because he was no longer a part of my life. I recall yearning for him, wishing he'd text and end the void of the space he once filled. I didn't share on this blog from October 2017 until May 2019, partly due to whatever circumstances I was facing at the time in addition to the beginning of our time away from one another. The good thing about that period of time is that I actually reevaluated myself and after the many years of sharing on the blogs I knew where I needed to heal. Although I did not know what that looked like, I was determined to prepare myself to receive and accept love. As expressed in the first post after the hiatus, "out of hibernation"; the thing about healing is, it is a constant occurrence. There is always some aspect of ourselves in need of healing, no matter how minor or significant. Today, through writing I learned areas within me which require some love, energy, prayer and mindfulness. I intend to have an impromptu "Kamille Appreciation Day" focusing on my inner child and what she may be able to enlighten me to. 

This expression is longer than I knew it would be and a title has yet to come to me. As I take another sip of my lukewarm coffee, I am reminded that we are in Mercury Retrograde in addition to Jupiter, Neptune, Pluto, Saturn, Uranus and Chiron! Not using astrology as an "excuse" for the events of the current weekend, but to put things into perspective for myself, I believe astrology adds insight to enlightenment and awakenings. I find it interesting that I was able to express myself in this way during a Full Moon and cover the concepts I've shared regarding healing and areas in need of attention while Chiron (the wounded healer) is retrograde. The level of care and concern I want to extend is something I've never gave much thought, I'm typically mindful as well as thoughtful; however this time I feel as if I want to be deliberate and honest. I do not want to be reactionary, I understand that is for the highest good of no one and will only cause miscommunication while Mercury is retrograde. 

I visited with my psychic recently and had a very in-depth conversation, the tarot spread gave me information confirming many of my thoughts, feelings and prayers as well as insight into decisions I am contemplating. I believe it was perfect timing with the energy cleanse I participated in nearly two (2) weeks ago, along with the retrogrades and New Moon. As I mentioned in "on course", I have made a conscious effort to be more engaged in my spiritual practices; I am happy to say I am seeing things align. I had a thought about manifestation and low vibrations, I'm beginning to understand that lower energy may be "easier" to accept than to believe "far fetched" things, whatever those things may be. It takes a lot of faith, trust, honesty and energy to manifest things you subconsciously believe you may not "deserve". I feel at times society conditions us from a young age to "expect the worst" rather than the optimistic notion that "everything is always working out for us". I'm constantly reminding myself of the later, everything is always working out for me! Now that I am aware of what's creating fear and anxiety I can tell myself that "all things work together for the good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) 

I feel as if this expression could be divided into two parts, but I don't want to separate the train of thoughts. The music is paused for the moment, I am basking in the joys of this morning; feeling euphoric! I haven't finished my coffee, at this point I am pacing myself because I feel the effects strongly. I had an errand, but decided to push it off until a later date, today is "Kamille Appreciation Day" so I'll be spending it indulging in self-care. I've been awake since nearly 1:30 am, I figure I'll take a nap in an hour or two once I figure out a title for what I've shared. In this moment I feel tuned into the energy of gratitude, my goal is to build upon that energy spending the day in thankfulness and love...

I hope you all are enjoying your weekend, taking the necessary time for self-care, prayer, meditation and such. Until next time. 

on course

"go beyond your little world and find the grandeur of God's world."

Rumi

So I've completed my first few assignments for my course; creative writing- nonfiction. The class is not what I expected which is great; because I find it challenging; in a good way. It is covering an aspect of writing that I've mentioned when anticipating taking the class; which was finding my voice in my writing. I am looking forward to see the progress once I reach the end of this course. It's interesting how this and the next course I am registered for - astronomy, will overlap and conclude at the end of the year. That is significant to me because of the intentions and affirmations I set for myself during that time.

The end of one year and beginning of another is so refreshing to me as it is a chance to improve upon things and really see what no longer serves us as we go from one space in time to another. Especially seeing how soon after the New Year I'll become a new age! I'm actually excited for this  birthday and I am unsure as to why that is. Seeing how I have yet to make or even begin to think of any plans. I feel myself outgrowing my "little world" and moving towards "the grandeur of God's world"; slowly, but at a good pace.  I hope to have rediscovered the space of the Soul where creativity lives; I've been focusing on tapping into that space more often.  

I read a tarot spread for a friend recently which went well; I've learned in my time away from tarot, to trust my intuition a lot more than I have in the past. I saw that through the reading I was more confident in my interpretation and delivery, it also helped that the cards were accurate for the experience. I intend to do a reading for myself, however I have yet to attract the prompts I resonate with or think of any on my own. I also plan to do the "Monthly Check- In" spread at the beginning of September. I am also participating in a Virgo Reset Cleanse*, scheduled for the seventeenth (17th) and a Mercury Grounding* for the retrograde (approximately September 9th- October 2nd). 

I feel on some level I've been slacking with my spiritual practices and am attempting to improve as I've also been focusing on my mental, emotional, psychical and financial health these days. Much of which is quite time consuming. Making sure to take breaks and mental health days as necessary; I think I'm going to schedule a "Kamille Appreciation Day" very soon; once I review my responsibilities for the remainder of August and the month of September. The year is going by pretty quickly as I think of how we are approaching the last quarter of it. Although I don't celebrate any of the festivities centered around October until December, I am excited for the Autumn/ Fall season just as well. A time for Ugg boots, spiked hot beverages and a light chill in the California air.

As the music plays and times passes by, I am reminded of an errand I have scheduled and I have to decide how much longer I intend to write. I am suddenly reminded of the Full Moon and begin to feel excitement brewing within my being. It's funny how my cycle is sync'd with the Moon; it used to be with the New Moon, now it's often closer to the Full Moon. I read that signifies empowerment for self as well as other women. I feel that; empowered, as if by reclaiming my spiritual practices I am empowering myself with what my Soul needs at this time. 

I had cannabis oil in my coffee and I am still feeling the effects; which I like, since I don't need another dose for some time. I have a little less than an hour to get myself together and get on the road, a drive I am looking forward to. I have a feeling the music will be just right and traffic will be at bay. I have yet to learn the title of this expression, however I am allowing the words to flow through me as we all discover them for the first time. I never draft my expressions, I simply type then edit for grammar and typos then publish. A practice I find to be quite freeing as it is not censored or tailored to a specific narrative.

I'm looking forward to my hair and Rocko's grooming appointments scheduled for this week. Unfortunately, Rocko has to get a haircut, an experience he is less than fond of; however it's necessary. I've dubbed his appointment, "Rocko Appreciation Day"; seeing how he is my emotional support animal and he does so much to keep me in good spirits.  He is such a comedian in his own right; keeping a smile on my face and a laugh in my heart. 

As the music changes and I've completed a New Moon tarot spread for myself; the results were positive, encouraging and uplifting. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do next; since I have yet to think of a title for this expression, I've decided to continue to write. I'm also attempting to tap into what I'm feeling in the moment and I am a bit "all over the place". I bought a new lipstick and I'm excited to try it on again; initially I didn't think I liked it, but over time I think I'll give it another try! So far, I don't like it. I'm new to the red lip, but of the three (3) shades I have they all seem to be more orange or brown than red. I feel determined to find the perfect shade! In the meantime it'll be lipgloss and mascara for a while. 

I received more grades on assignments submitted and they were all "A's"; that made me happy!  Especially since this is my third attempt at College; my first attempt I became a mother and lost focus, the second time a few years ago, I was plagued with anxiety and couldn't commit to in class courses. This time thankfully the courses I'm registered for are online, I'm almost certain that won't be the case for all of the courses I'll need to transfer with my degree in English, but I am hopeful. That's another area I feel my "little world" expanding; I think I may be open to take classes on campus, maybe next semester or in the near future...

until next time

*visit @mysticxlipstic on twitter for additional information regarding the energy cleanse as well as grounding for Mercury Retrograde

my beautiful nightmare

I remember meeting him; Summer 2003,  we meet online and if memory serves me correctly it took a little while for us to meet in person. I believe we spoke on the phone and texted for weeks, maybe months before we saw one another for the first time. After a few times we spent together I knew he was special. The way he spoke, presented himself and treated me was like boyfriends I'd had in my teenage years. I recall him asking me to be his "girlfriend", at the time I was a brat and upon our first misunderstanding I broke up with him; I realized some time later that move was a mistake on my part. During that time I had unknowingly gotten used to toxic relationships and did not understand how to behave in a "normal" one. To me, at the time he was a fantasy; I felt as if he was "too good to be true" and that he'd hurt me badly if I allowed him in my heart; because that had been my experience over the years with my first two (2) real boyfriends. 

It was a long time after we broke up that we had our first sexual experience together, it was beautiful, passionate and surprising. Mainly because I didn't know what to expect and it was more than simply "fucking", it felt like something more; something I hadn't experienced since I was 17 with the second (2nd) man I ever loved. One night while we were together I said "I hate you" and his reply was "you love me" and stupidly I repeated my statement. I've always regretted that moment, wishing at times that I could go back and relive it; because it was so beautiful and I hadn't realized until years later that I did in fact love him. However as stated above, I was used to toxic relationships and having "hate sex". Before I met him, I was involved with someone who was no good for me; not very loving or caring we just had good sex and at the time that was enough for me. 

So now I'm in a situation with someone who seems to care for me and I am "acting bad", at the time I wasn't interested in love or thinking of any one relationship growing into anything. I only cared about having good sex and my daily life filled with being a mother, work, friends and living "my best life"; at least what I felt that was at a time; before I had matured and learned more about myself and my desires. I had things so mixed up as far as how or what male/female relationships "should" be like. I realized many years later how misguided I had been; I recall he'd use the phrase "making love" and I was so focused on "fucking", my heart had been broken a few times and I had not healed. I realize that now, well, I realized that some time ago when analyzing myself and my previous relationships with men. 

I remember when I really realized that I loved him; we had amazing sex one night, I don't recall how soon after, but I changed his ringtone to "whatever" by Jill Scott; where she says the man she was with had "pulled some tricks out your sleeve last night..." she goes on to say how he "put it down last night..." and how they'd "made powerful love last night...". Unfortunately he heard the ringtone and it was only part of the chorus and not the part that made me set it as such. I don't recall what was said about it, but something was said; this was before the age of smartphones so I couldn't simply open an app and play the full version of the song. So I let the moment pass, again, a moment in time that I regret. Not long after I mentioned being his girlfriend again and he made it clear that he didn't "take me seriously"; I've held on to these memories for nearly twenty (20) years. How foolish I had been concerning him and how he never gave me a second (2nd) chance at something more than a sexual "friendship". 

We've both had other relationships during our time of knowing one another, but somehow we find ourselves back in one of the other's bed. Although it could seem as if all that we share is sex, I feel it's more than that. I remember a time when he'd tell me that I was "perfect" for him and I did not understand fully what he meant by those words; again, years later I began to feel the same, as if he is perfect for me. He is supportive and encouraging; I remember recently telling him that I thought our space apart this last time was because I'd gained weight and he was no longer attracted to me. He then let me know that his disappearance was misunderstood and that he thought I was going through a lot at the time and needed space; which was partially true, I was going through a lot, but I did not want space. I was honestly feeling insecure about my weight and did not want him to see me in a state where I didn't feel "my best".

As I wrote in "you, me and the Moon", the four (4) years we spent apart was extremely difficult for me. I'd have things I'd want to share with "someone" yet had no one to share them with, or I'd want to express the sexual aspect of myself and either have no one to express them with or I'd have a fling which was hardly equal to what he and I shared over the years. I remember I'd be with someone and think of him to "get through it". No one compared to him, as far as his mentality or the sexual power he has over me. I feel safe with him; which is something I haven't felt since my first (1st) boyfriend. For a little backstory, I met my first love when I was fourteen (14) and he was apart of my life until I was about twenty (20) or twenty-one (21); I've written about him before on this blog as well as the other. He passed on, and at that time I believe I said to myself that I'd never love anyone the way I'd loved him. Then two (2) to three (3) years later I meet "the man of my dreams" and I fumble the entire relationship, partly because of feeling I'd never love anyone the same and the other part being the disappointment I'd experienced in relationships prior to meeting him.

I used to be so intimidated by him, on some level thinking I wasn't "good enough" for him; in that I had been treated as if I were ordinary; for lack of a better word. At some point I felt as if he was able to "see" me, the me I had been hiding behind a "tough girl" exterior. Years later I began to refer to him as "my beautiful nightmare", because the idea of loving him was scary to me yet our sexual chemistry leaves me in a trance at times. I felt like he was a fairytale and somehow something would happen to take him away from me, so I thought I'd keep him at arms length to "protect" my heart. Yet my heart was making me feel these things that was so foreign to me at the time; it had been so long since I'd experienced love that I did not recognize when I felt it. After much therapy and various tarot readings I've healed from the loss of my first love as well as my second (2nd) boyfriend, who loved me, but had too much going on in his life for me to continue a relationship with him. Not long after our breakup I ended up pregnant by someone who did not care for me much; again, we just had decent sex and one night the condom slipped off. After those three (3) relationships I thought I was incapable of love or loving someone.

So for the longest time I kept him in a box, my fantasy man; somehow I feel as if my life is better with him in it. Even if there's no title for what we share. I hesitated to publish "you, me and the Moon" because I was afraid that he'd read my words, without knowing what he would think or if he'd mention anything about it; I feel a way about what I've shared thus far, but I've gotten over the fear because these are the words my heart wants to share and seeing how I actually have words to share in the span of a couple of days versus the past month of writer's block I have chosen to put my art ahead of my fear of what's unknown. Before publishing "you, me and the Moon" I conducted a risk assessment with a friend and thought, "what if he doesn't feel the same?" or "what if he does?" and "if I wanted anything in our dynamic to change?" and since I don't quite have answers to those questions I figured I'd pour it on the page allowing myself the space to express what I've been keeping bottled inside for nearly a month of not writing. 

He sparks something within me that I have yet to understand; fully. It feels like the teenage Me who was authentic, carefree and full of love to share. I hold that back though, afraid to be vulnerable with him, still. I think that may be what intimidates me the most, my own fear of being vulnerable. Although I feel a degree of safety with him, I am not always my authentic self; hiding behind my sexual desires and that aspect of who I am. Perhaps on some level still holding him in that box of fantasy, that is something I would like to do away with. Seeing how I have changed in ways yet reverting to the "old" Me when dealing with him in some ways. However he has changed to his betterment over these past four (4) years apart. I've shared that with him, I like the changes I've seen since we've begun speaking again. My hope is that after I've shared these words I am more comfortable being my authentic self with him, allowing him to see more aspects of who I am versus who I at times present myself to be. It's weird because I don't feel as if I am pretending, since the things I share most with him comes from the fantasy part of who I am, however I don't think I share the real aspects of my heart and mind with him; mostly desires. 

At times, I don't feel as if I am "ready" to do that, then I think of what I want right now and as I spoke with my nail technician recently; I don't want a boyfriend in the traditional sense of the term. I feel as if I may have been single "too long" for what my mind says a "girlfriend" is. I feel as if I would like a companion at times while keeping my space, then I question if that is even true. As of right now I don't think I want anything to change, I am happy! Not thinking or even caring if he is in love with me or not, I know that our situation isn't toxic as I used to settle for and to me that's what counts. The thought of pushing the button to publish made me roll my eyes, only because of the fear of who'll read these words yet I am forcing myself to have the courage to do it anyway. I haven't mentioned that I've published anything, only that I have written which is "what's important"; I am afraid, but focused on being brave in this moment. 

Full of love and in a sense ready to express it yet not knowing how. I've felt this way for many years however I have not fully expressed my love for anyone outside of family and friends which of course is a different type of love altogether. I used to think it was infatuation then realizing it was much more than that, I honestly think what we have is "enough" for now. I remember a time when he'd tell me I was "too much" and I'd think to myself how much I was holding back and questioning what enough was. When I mentioned being "too much" recently his words were comforting and allowed me to re-evaluate when and with whom to share "too much" and when not to. I have yet to discover that balance with him, but I feel as if I can be more of my authentic self with him as I have not been over the years. I don't know what the future holds, I just know that even if things remain the same, I am fine with the way things are. I love the ability to share my fantasies and desires with someone who does the same; I love the support and encouragement to "keep writing" and the beautiful, passionate, at times shocking way that we express ourselves in the nude. 

I believe I will make an effort to check myself when I feel as if I am holding back with him. I want to show my wild side as well as my soft side; both of which I've hidden for a very long time. I don't even know how that is possible, then again, when a person continuously practices hiding it may come as second nature. I believe that's who the "old" Me is, the second nature instincts I've developed to keep myself safe from heartbreak which leads to heartache in my opinion. The crazy thing is, even with holding back and hiding aspects of myself I've experienced heartbreak as well as heartache; so it's clear that holding back and hiding is not serving me to my highest good, so why continue? I'm willing to work on that, it comes easy when I allow my fingers to speak for me on the blog rather than in real life where I'm often quiet. I think the other thing I've noticed is my fear of saying the "wrong" things as I have in the past, with two (2) examples above. I intend to do better; not really focused on only saying the "right" things, but speaking what my heart and mind agree on.

I suppose "time will tell", but if you notice me writing more fantasies on this blog than ever before it is because he's giving me things worth writing about. He inspires me, effortlessly, which also intimidates me. At times I feel as if I have misplaced my creativity when he and I aren't speaking or haven't spoken, even if it's a very short period of time. I'm figuring that out as well, as I spoke in "purple clouds" about my chakra's and meditation on my sacral chakra which deals with sexuality and creativity I can see how those two (2) things are intertwined. I feel as if when I am able to express my sexual side I am more creative and able to write from a space that is true to me. Even though I have a fear of publishing these words, creatively I feel as if I must. Thinking of the times I've held back the full story or been vague or even cryptic, I no longer wish to be that way. I want to be descriptive and forthcoming, things I expected from the creative writing class I've registered for. 

My hope is that I'll improve in my expressions and leave you with insight of who I am and some of my experiences throughout the years. I believe this may be the most open I've been on the blog, at least recently; it's liberating. Letting go of fear and embracing my story so to speak. I listen to music a lot and I find it interesting when the songs play describing my thoughts or emotions in that moment, Pandora (music streaming app) does that a lot! This morning is no different, songs of love and lust streaming through the television, reminding me of my feelings and how I am getting better at discerning what and why I may be feeling a way at any given moment. I believe this expression is a step in that direction, being free to express how and why I've comes to love someone and why things may be the way they are in the present and being happy with the way we've come back together as different people in a sense. Allowing what we have to be what it is and simply enjoying what we share with one another. I could go on, but I think I've shared (more than) enough for now.

Until next time...

you, me and the Moon

I've taken an impromptu break from writing in search of inspiration to no avail. I am unsure where the inspiration has gone or when it will return;  in the meantime I enrolled in a creative writing class, which I hope will assist in finding the inspiration necessary to write on a continuous basis. In addition to finding my voice and the courage to speak the things I have been afraid to share. At times I have an uneasiness with writing about things other than my own thoughts and experiences trying not to include others in those expressions. 

I spoke with a friend who suggested I write about a fantasy since my "regular" thoughts have escaped me. The truth is, I have thoughts to write however I have been scared to share them; because the thoughts are of him and I haven't expressed them verbally to him. So the idea of writing them in public makes me anxious and nervous to express them, however I have decided to allow my fingers to let my thoughts flourish and see what comes.

I find myself drawn to him as if my soul yearns for him when he's not near me. There was a space in time where we were not in one another's lives and for me that was the hardest time I've had missing someone. I thought of him daily and hoped that one of those days he would reach out, just when I decided to give up he reached out and I was shocked! I recall the first time we saw one another after about four (4) years apart and we had the most amazing sex! Soon after he looked at me and asked about the expression on my face; which revealed the shock of him actually being in my house, in my bedroom and in my bed. I'd thought that would never happen again and I was not only shocked, but happy! I mean, like over the Moon with happiness. 

I know the difference between loving someone and being “in” love with someone; I feel as if I learned that at an early age (I'll revisit that at another time). I think I remember when I fell in love with him many years ago; somehow the feeling hasn’t gone away. I haven't expressed my love for him, but it comes out when my thoughts drift to thoughts of him or our experiences together over the many years of knowing each other.

I often fantasize about different scenarios of encounters, it's funny because recently he mentioned being on the beach at night because that's often the setting for these encounters. I think and at times dream of us on a beach, with a blanket and the lighting of the Full Moon, with the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore; and the scent of the ocean breeze entangled with the desire we have for one another.

We talk for a bit and then he touches me on my shoulder and traces his finger down my arm until his hands are caressing my breasts and I begin to melt. He then takes a finger and slides the straps of my dress off my shoulders until I am nude under the Moonlight. I begin to undress him slowly touching his dark smooth skin until my hands land on his manhood; I start to kiss and lick his erect dick, sucking until he's about to cum. He then enters me slowly and I sigh as if it's the best feeling in the world; because to me, it is! His strokes are deliberate, focused on our pleasure; forgetting or rather not caring if anyone is around to see us; I then think of the possibility and it arouses me even more. 

We switch positions various times until we climax together. After we catch our breath we lay there for a moment and gaze at the stars while still admiring one another; my love for him grows deeper...

the Moon and a sky full of stars

For some reason I couldn't wait to start a new draft; the laughter and smoke fill the room as Scarface plays in the background. Rocko is asleep; which is great because the fireworks have been getting on his nerves. I've been out of town for the past few days so I am looking forward to going home tomorrow. It's been years since I last saw this film and it doesn't quite hold my attention, not in a bad way; just in a "it is what it is" type of way. I find myself a bit restless as said in my last post; purple clouds, I would like to be at the beach right now, but it's late and I have no one to accompany me. Rocko (my puppy) is snoring, which somehow reminded me that I need to go food shopping in the very near future; one errand that I do not always enjoy. I'm looking forward to a few things next week; such as getting my hair done and puppy sitting for a couple weeks. I've never done that before so we're going to start with a puppy play date and see how well the puppies interact with one another. I believe they will get along well as they are both spoiled and sheltered which means I'll basically treat her like I treat Rocko. My only hope is that he doesn't try or actually hump her; she's a virgin and he's already a puppy daddy of five (5). The good thing is both have been "fixed" so there's no chance of pregnancy; seeing how I can not take being a puppy midwife again. 

December 2017 my two (2) puppies, Rocko and Sasha; ran away. After a week of them being gone I was devastated and anxiety was overwhelming me so I purchased another puppy, Coco Moon. A week later I was reunited with Rocko and Sasha, I quickly took them to their vet and one of my first questions was "is she pregnant" which the response I received after the necessary exam was "no". This was January 2018, sometime in February I look out the corner of my eye after seeing something moving in the corner next to Sasha. As I turn on my bed to get a better view I yell out "a puppy!" to my surprise Sasha was giving birth if her bed in the corner of my bedroom. She went on to have three (3) more before I noticed she didn't take the same care with the last one (1) as she had done with the others, so I took her to the emergency vet and as soon as I placed her on the counter she gave birth to puppy number five (5). Instinctively, I knew something was wrong and sure enough she was having difficulty with the last puppy who later developed a hernia. It was a fulfilled, exhausting, enlightening six to eight (6-8) weeks of being a puppy grandmother and taking care of all eight (8) puppies at once. I learned of my strength during that time, I don't go into the myth of the "strong black woman" because as a black woman I am more than my strength; however I tend to downplay myself and my strength. However this situation brought that to mind as I was actually responsible for myself, my son and eight (8) puppies; the most responsibility I've ever had and I kept everyone alive! 

I've already smoked two (2) Zookies pre-rolls and in the mood to smoke another, however I am still in the clouds. I feel as if I am in my own little world in a room full of people. Joss Stone is singing and making me feel as if I've made a good decision concerning something that was on my mind for the past couple of weeks. Sade comes in and confirms it, I like when Pandora is this way; as if the Universe is speaking to me through songs. I'm burst from my bubble of aloneness as others in the room see me grooving to the music through my headphones and want to be included; so now it's playing on the television for the room to hear. The urge to write is currently conflicting with the urge to smoke since I can not do both without one suffering in a way that I do not wish to experience.  Mary J Blige is singing "be happy" and the lyrics are hitting a bit differently tonight than on other nights. I suppose as I experience happiness for one of my best friend's and his new relationship, I am forced to look at my own relationship status and how the prospects have not risen to the occasion. Although most days I enjoy being single, but times like now where it's the "wee" hours of the day and I yearn to be sitting along the shore, a companion would be a nice; someone to have to sit with me. I love being at the beach at this hour because it is nearly deserted and I can smoke without worry and just enjoy my hippie moment. 

I want to have a hippie summer this year; basically spending lots of time at the beach and smoking good weed with friends and/or family, while random music plays. Sade comes on with "bullet proof soul" and I am reminded of unpinned where I spoke of my disappointment and the lyrics to this song just fits somehow. I spent time with the Moon nearly every night last week and tonight; I'm anticipating the Super Full Moon next week as if I were a child on Christmas. as I am working on my playlist for next Sunday's show on Moon Goddess Radio. While smoking the rest of my pre-roll, Bob Marley comes on and it seems like alignment with the music as he sings "is this love?".  I feel so high I just want to go to sleep and enjoy my dreams, but the turn up isn't over so I'm up writing and watching my sleeping Rocko... I did just that, retired to my dreams and they were magnificent; now I'm broadcasting on Moon Goddess Radio for my "hump day" show. I was looking forward to doing the show this evening; mainly because it gives me something to do during the time when I'm usually bored. Listeners and followers are improving so that makes me smile. I've started the playlist for Sunday, but I need to put it together totally, good thing I still have time before I go live. 

I have been looking more into the sacral chakra and found this article helpful; especially when it speaks about this chakra being balanced can lead to a more harmonious, pleasurable and nurturing life. All of which I desire, I believe the fear is decreasing as I learn more about it and how it functions. I feel as if I'm learning to manage my sexual energy by diving into other creative outlets, such as the blogs and Moon Goddess Radio. Now I just want to find a way to incorporate painting something into the mix. I stumbled upon a quote by Paulo Coelho which says "when you want something, all the Universe conspires in helping you achieve it." I feel as if things I want to do are making their way to me in unique ways... I took a few days away from writing to do some introspection and welcome my house guest, which is going well. The puppies are getting along nicely and I am happy about it! I'm also happy about rekindling a relationship that I thought would never be salvaged. I've been smiling all day and thinking about this person with fond thoughts awaiting our next encounter. In the words of Ice Cube "today was like one of those fly dreams"; I keep replaying it in my mind as it was a surprise, a happy surprise! Making me wish next week was tomorrow or now to be honest. I love his company and desire his touch on my skin, it seems like when he's in my life my sacral chakra feels balanced. I get this gush of creativity in my words and expressions that I have not gotten with anyone else's energy. I could go on, but I think it would be the whiskey talking so I won't. 

Until next time,

purple clouds

"drop the idea of becoming someone, because you are already a masterpiece. you can not be improved. you have only to come to it, to know it; to realize it"

Osho

As I wrote in my most recent post I feel that same sensation today as I drink my cannabis infused coffee. This above quote makes it make sense to me as I am realizing who I am. Kamille Appreciation Day went well and I found the journals I was looking for; also, I had a great show on Moon Goddess Radio. I sit here after reading two half full journals dating back to 2014; at the time I was going through a lot while having feelings of love fill my heart and head. I used to think I needed to change so many things about myself to "become" the woman of my dreams then, one day I realized I am already that woman; it's just a matter of coming to it and knowing it for myself. Taking the day to love on myself was very delightful; I am finding it difficult to put into words. Music by Ronnie Foster is playing and I'm sitting near my patio enjoying the cool Summer breeze; at the beginning of the day I had yet to make plans, but that soon changed; I now have plans to hang out with a friend this afternoon and possibly visit with my Aunt who is in town for a few days. I will admit, I am looking forward to the weekend, maybe "turn up" with family; hang out with a friend or chill with my Mom and my puppy. I have been so indecisive lately, taking longer than usual to make decisions. I feel as if I may be a bit preoccupied with various thoughts that keep coming to mind, perhaps I should explore them. 

As I think of words I'm willing to share, my mind goes blank; so I decide to take a break from writing to spend time with a friend and wake up to the following Third Eye Chakra affirmation: "I am connected to my inner guidance and intuition. I trust in my ability to make correct decisions for myself. I open to my purpose and trust in it's unfolding. I move forward in each breath connected to my purpose. I trust in my gifts and abilities. Unlimited possibility flows to me in every moment." posted on Instagram by @the_goddess_circle_ara. I feel I read that in perfect timing as I find myself in alignment with my higher self these days. Today is a bit busier than the past few have been, but I'm excited to get moving and start the day... A few days have passed full of errands and time spent with friends and family. As I re-read the third eye chakra affirmation I was lead to find one for the Crown Chakra; which I did on the same instagram feed. It says "I honor the truth of my spirit. I open to my path on this planet. I honor the gifts that are flowing within me. I acknowledge my intuition and inner guidance. I open to my deepest wisdom. I trust in the unfolding journey in front of me." I feel as if I focus on those two (2) chakra's the most and I am intending to balance them all as the other chakra's may be feeling neglected. I feel as if I check in with the status of my chakra's on a regular basis, but at times, like now I feel as if I have abandoned them for too long. Thoughts of my Dad enter my mind as Michael Franks plays; I have fond memories as we'd often spend holiday's, birthday's and Father's Day together. This time however I am not hit by sadness as I am sure he is in a better place; not to sound cliche. 

It's a beautiful Sunday afternoon in Southern California and I am feeling the effects of Alien OG; which are euphoria and giggles, both of which I feel at the moment. Now Nina Simone is singing and I feel relaxed and at peace within myself. I am writing these words as I broadcast Moon Goddess Radio and briefly I thought I may be doing too much yet the music is inspiring me to do so. I don't know if it's the vibe or if I'm just high or perhaps a combination of the two, nevertheless I am enjoying the day. This strain reminds me of Cherry Pie, having the same euphoric sensations and giggly effects. I feel a little jittery, which is odd because I haven't had coffee today; then I think that's probably why. I still don't know what I intend to share other than the above then I think of my plans for tomorrow deciding to stay at my Mom's with my puppy; since he is frightened by the fireworks. That's one decision made, now on to the others which I think need a bit more time to process. Pink Floyd fills the space and I feel myself elevated; exuding happiness and a love for life. The only thing I'd add would be the Moon; speaking of, I am looking forward to the Super Full Moon approximately July 12th through 15th. I love a Super Full Moon; the fullness and brightness of it is just mesmerizing often sending me to thoughts of  my dreams, goals and desires. I think that's still an area I shy away from on the blogs and my social media, desires; often when I think of desire I think soon after about sex then I think of my Sacral Chakra as it is said to control creativity as well as sexual energy. Although I know that I still find myself neglecting that particular chakra; for no reason other than fear, I wasn't brought up in a religious household, but I feel as if I did not learn or hear a lot about sex while growing up. So I've learned a lot from books and some experiences, I don't know exactly what it is I fear about learning and aligning with my sacral chakra knowing the creative aspects that would be balanced.

Another day has passed and I'm celebrating the holiday, unfortunately my puppy is not enjoying the day with the fireworks and festivities. Nevertheless, I'm listening to @kingleopicasso on Amp (app) and rocking out to the music. I'm high off Zookies now, as if I'm floating in the purple clouds;  feelings of euphoria fill my being allowing me to be in bliss. Scrolling through my social media I came across a meme from @iambrillyant which said, "the fine balance between holding space for other people and learning to hold space for yourself. There is magic there." that's something I'm still learning to embody. As a former perfectionist with people pleasing tendencies I found myself placing space for others slightly before my own then wondering why a lot of my relationships had grown to be one sided. I could relate so deeply with the Stevie Wonder song, "love's in need of love today", because some days I just needed someone to treat me how I treated my loved ones; that comes up from time to time however less often because of the support system I have in place these days. Finding the magic in taking the appropriate balance of space for myself as well as no longer accepting any type of treatment with the label of friendship attached. I am now asserting myself more and my appearance seems to exude happiness as people have been asking me lately "are you happy? you look happy" or something to that effect; I enjoy it, in the past people would always ask "what's wrong?", because my facial expressions will tell on me every time. I can't hide some thoughts or my feelings because my face will expose me and have people asking "why are you looking like that? you look _____" which is usually exactly what I'm thinking or feeling about something that has occurred or been said.

Funny, I began this expression on Saturday and here we are on Tuesday and probably won't publish until maybe Wednesday. Which is still better than months, the Moon was beautiful tonight; I wanted to be at the beach but time didn't permit such an outing.  I suppose I just wanted to check in since I don't have much more to share with you all; I'm looking forward to the show scheduled for Wednesday evening in addition to my show on Sunday. I feel good, even with a few chores in need of attention. Rocko (my puppy) is doing much better now as the fireworks are coming to an end the marijuana smoke that filled the air may have contributed to his calm demeanor. I hope you all had a fun and safe holiday...

until next time