Healing

“I show my scars so that others may know they can heal.”
Unknown

I've written before of my relationship with my Mother, the last post mentioning the unlikelihood of reconciliation. Well, as they say, "If you want to make God laugh, tell (Him) your plans"; as unlikely as I thought I was lead to reconcile not only with my Mother, but a few other people in my life. After months of inner-child work as well as some shadow work which lead to hospitalization earlier this year I believe I am healing wounds from my early childhood years. Which I feel is necessary not to mention inevitable once a person begins the journey into Self-Awareness or any type of Spiritual Journey. 

I've missed writing and sharing, I haven't thought of any reason to justify staying away so long other than I was "getting my shit together". Spending many days and nights battling anxiety, depression and insomnia along with the recent diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I feel as if I wasn't ready to share that with you all just yet; coming to terms with these types of things takes it's own time as well understanding in order to do so in a healthy way, at least from my personal experience. Sometimes letting others in too soon can cause unnecessary interactions or worse... One thing I've realized since being hospitalized in April 2017 came from a quote from Albert Einstein, which says, "There is only two ways to live your life: one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is a though everything is". I believe I have begun to allow that concept to sink in which brings a new found happiness for each day. Not as if I am expecting stereotypical miracles, but through all things; from the smallest to the most miraculous.

After contemplating many experiences I've had in this life as well as questioning some of my beliefs after reading a book titled "Beyond Beliefs" followed by "Island of Knowledge" by Linda Quiring. I feel as if I have found myself in a new space of consciousness, in some ways understanding the past from a different perspective and in other ways learning to shape the future with affirmations, goals and positivity while remaining in the NOW. It sounds so easy, but at times I feel the future as if it were the present or the past as if it were now and I have to regroup and recenter. Once speaking with my Mother I realized some beliefs I created which prolonged the reconciliation however if things happen in divine timing, then those obstacles were there for the time to align in order to make the "impossible", possible. I feel as if I am getting to know another side of myself, a side buried long ago in childhood and being around family feels right on time.

I am not sure if I've always been bipolar and it remained dormant until triggered or if it developed due to my other conditions. I try not to wreak my brain trying to figure that out. Instead I tend to piece together memories and thoughts to enjoy the moment. I hadn't realized how long it's been since my last entry until I posted the observations for October recently, I've been in the mood to write for some time, yet not until now have the words come to me. Hopefully this will not become a rare occurrence and I will share more frequently. Especially as the year comes to an end and new adventures await 2018.

I hope you are having an enjoyable day, even if the joy is a bit hard to find there is always something and/or someone to be thankful and/or grateful for. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

Summer Moon's

For the past several evenings I have been attempting to schedule a date with the Moon. As we near the beginning of Summer the Moonrise becomes later and later into the wee hours of the morning, which is far too late/early for me to be out alone, so each night I dread sleep because I'd rather be gazing at the miraculous glow of the Moon. Especially after such a beautiful Full Moon days ago. My love for the Moon began officially one quiet Summer in the 1990's (South Central, Los Angeles). I don't quite remember the details, but what I do remember,  I won't forget. I believe the Moon was Full and I was outside awaiting my laundry. I stood there looking at one of the biggest, brightest Moon's I've ever seen (that I can recall). I was in Love. I'd never felt that way about anything and I knew I wanted to have that feeling included in my life from that day forward. The bond I have with the Moon is indescribable; the love and admiration along with trust and safety. It means more than words can express...

I wrote before going to bed last night, as I continued writing I recalled another interaction which may have influenced this encounter some years later. 1992, my Grandmother and I moved; closer to other family members, it just so happened to be on my birthday that year which is why I think I'll always remember. The year was nice until April when Los Angeles experienced the riots following the Rodney King situation; I suppose during the adult conversations it was planned that my Grandmother, a couple of my cousin's and myself would take a vacation that Summer. We arrive in Alabama sometime between July and August, I know because this is when Mary J. Blige's "What's the 411?" was released along with a few TLC's songs in heavy rotation on BET and all of the other Summer shows targeted at my age group. I enjoyed meeting various family members and exploring the town. It was interesting for me because typically I'd be alone, since I was still an only child at this point. So the cousin's and I split off into age appropriate groups and did our own things. I was enjoying myself up until a night at the Community Center of sorts when some boys turned out the lights and chased us around the building; something I had never experienced up until then. I remember some boy touching me and I screamed, shortly after the lights were back on and I was ready to go. Not just from the center, but from Alabama and everything included. I completely shut down and didn't leave the house for a while; I didn't realize how obvious I was being that something was wrong even though I couldn't exactly express what I was upset about, that is until one of my cousin's who lived in Alabama made me get dressed and took me to a Community Swimming Pool. 

While there we met these two young men who I learned were complete gentlemen, we all hung out a lot during the Summer until it was almost time for me to return to California. I don't remember the details of that interaction, I just remember it being old fashioned and romantic, I remember walks and conversations; although I do not recall the words. And within it all I know that the Moon was shining down absorbing it all. It wasn't until this morning that I had a moment of a flashback as I never think of that Summer anymore. However now I somewhat understand what I feel lately, nostalgia. I feel as if I am longing for something I've experienced before; I just don't know all of the components or how it makes sense given my current mental health issues. I do know that this past month or so I have been obsessed with a few things, more than usual and I feel as if my Soul is trying to tell me something or perhaps share something with me that my natural eyes aren't able to see. I feel as if I want to explore, that is until the fear of uncertainty jumps in and takes my mind on a roller coaster of possibilities. I don't know why suddenly childhood memories are flooding my mind; then again I think I do. It all started late last year or early this year when I was inspired to begin my inner child work, something I had been avoiding since I learned the term.

I won't go into all of that now, I'd rather bask in the memory of those two Summer's and how they sparked Love in an otherwise frozen heart (lol, it's a long story). Nonetheless, those experiences left a lasting impression; leaving me now searching for a date and time when the Moon is cooperating at a respectable hour in the night's sky where I can sit under the stars and share my thoughts, feelings, dreams and desires and hear the whispers of my heart so I can know what I am feeling as well as this phase of what my Soul knows that I need to remember. Something about this Summer has me excited, in a good way; which I have not felt in Lord knows how long. In the meantime, I want to enjoy each moment the days bring and fall deeper in love with life. I am praying to maintain this mind state, to allow the optimism and lightheartedness of happiness to overtake me until it engulfs my mind, body and soul with the carefree feelings this time of year deserves.

Blessings 💗✨

Emptiness

"I've always been someone who looks 'too deep' into something or someone.  That's because I realized from a young age that there's always more than what meets the eye."

- unknown

It feels as if I've had several "mother's" in this lifetime; unfortunately, none of them were my own. I suppose aside from God I have no idea who to ask or the appropriate description of how it came to be, nevertheless I had to mature at an extremely young age. I don't remember much of a childhood, I recall brief flashbacks of sorts and some memories, but not the typical coming of age story movies are made of. Often times, especially since developing mental illnesses and being on a leave of absence from work I find myself feeling as if I've been an adult far longer than my actual age. While other times I feel like such a baby, constantly attending to my well-being; mind, body and soul, it seems as if that should be a way of life as we all are responsible for our wellness in all aspects of being, but something about my life now as opposed to how it was prior to these circumstances. At times I want to cry, however the thoughts following the feeling have no true meaning so the tears are blocked. Thats one thing I believe I've learned throughout many of my experiences in this life, which is to make sure to be thoughtful as well as do things with meaning. I have my reasons for this philosophy which I do not think I want to share at this time, but we'll see how the words comes together...

Some years are not as difficult as others, the most difficult part is I usually don't know how I'll feel about it until it is on the horizon; Mother's Day. I think this is the "holiday" I actually hate the most. As a child it was always a weird day, leading up to along with it's final hours, then Monday came and it was over; I've never loved Monday's, but the weekend of Mother's Day is the one time I've ever been happy for Monday to show up. Normally I keep these feelings to myself as not to shit on people who actually had a wonderful mother and all of the memories and heart-felt moments to show for it yet this year is different. I don't know what to do with these feelings or how to accurately identify them all, however I do know that I do not wish to dive too deep into it all. I awoke this morning in a strange mood; I was happy, had a good night's rest and felt motivated to run some errands before the day got away from me. Then I remembered the weekend and the "holiday" and instantly I felt some type of way, a way that hits me sporadically and oftentimes leaves me in tears. Today was different, this time my heart was touched in a way that I can not describe and the tears are on standby hoping for a release. Everything else is numb and at times my heart grows cold. I am exhausted! I am exhausted of being my own mother. Not in a sense of "I've become my mother" but in the literal sense of taking the responsibility of myself as my mother was supposed to. I feel as if I have had to take on that role since I was five years old and I am exhausted.

But mother's can't get exhausted, and even when they do they can't stop anything when the children are in need; right? So I tell my inner child to hold on to the tears because I have to (as usual) be the mother that I need for myself in order to survive the (what seems to be) never-ending curveballs life feels the need to throw these days. I want to cry, but the tears won't fill the emptiness nor will they wash away the bullshit so what meaning will they have? What do you do with them? More importantly, who understands? I think that's the thing... I rarely think of my mother when I think of a mother, not to shit on her, more because when I think of my mother, I think of myself. Eventually I took all of the things said to me and formed my own philosophies based on known intellectuals, studying them almost as an obsession then tailoring them to fit the person I envision myself to become. At times I feel as if I've missed the mark and in other moments I am surprised; I won't go into detail, but it's odd to see your life and where you've come from along with where you are and how you got there. Even more so when you see a future that looks impossible yet somewhere or somehow you trust or maybe believe is a better term, that the person you see yourself as will come to fruition. I read a quote that said:

"my growth came when I realized that I do not have to experience life the way I have been told to."

- unknown

I don't recall how old I was when I realized this to be true even though I would not read the above quote for many years after experiencing the sentiment. The roadblocks, pitfalls and detours of this life are always on my mind. Not compulsively, but in steady rotation. On occasion I'll ask myself why certain situations are occurring and I can usually retrace events which lead to the origin of a calamity. Then I'll think if at that time there were some other options which could have prevented what followed. I find myself at a crossroads, the hospitalization last month truly put some things in perspective and brought up some things for me to look into. I woke up this morning and I wrote, but from my phone and when I pressed a button everything written vanished, I took that as a moment to reflect and see if the desire to write would return and what words would form. My heart feels empty, not because of lack, but in a sense of a faucet overflowing with nothing to catch the excess so rather than being fulfilled it's just a mess. That's how I feel; robbed. And I don't know where or how to process the hurt especially when the one responsible doesn't care that it exists. How do you heal despite the circumstances? 

Wake me when Monday comes...

Retrogrades, New Moons and the Feelings...

A quote comes to mind which states "the hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn"; although I can relate to this saying, I do not believe it to be "the hardest thing in life". The difficulty comes with knowing which "bridges" to detach from, as opposed to which to nurture; which can be a delicate  balance of strategy and insight; or even foresight. I will admit, I have not quite mastered it as I sometimes would like to believe. Lately, I have encountered people who are "rubbing me the wrong way"; I am still processing if this is happening in conjunction with my current spiritual journey, the transits in the Cosmos or simply an obstacle of sorts forcing me to burn a few bridges or invest the energy, time, etc., necessary to build the intended relationships. This all comes to mind as I am navigating through my circumstances, feelings, emotions, healing and humanity while encountering situations which are contributing to negative or low energy emotions. I will admit, after my most recent anxiety attack(s) I have become rather hypersensitive. This is something I struggle with on occasion after I have been triggered along with compounded anxiety provoking and/or depressing interaction(s). I think I've always been a sensitive person, which is something I may have never admitted before; I've always felt as if it were my best kept secret. I remember as a child I rarely got spankings, I was the type of kid that cried if they were yelled at. So I can count on one hand the times I was disciplined that way. For most of my life, I can not recall why, I built a wall around my heart and only a very few have managed to get passed it for a very long time.  I then found myself changing, I suppose growing; but at the time I did not think too deeply about it,  as I reflect on various experiences I can see now the emotions behind some choices or behaviors in my past. I recall a few times in my 20s saying to my future self certain things that I could no longer allow, accept or become and the reasons why those things were so important for me to understand.

Recently during spring cleaning and reorganizing I came across several journals dated as early as 1994 detailing my teenage shenanigans along with following years, as I sat reading about love, heartbreak, goals, dreams and random thoughts there were times where I was that girl again. In the past few weeks I will admit I have discovered a version of myself that I have either long forgotten or just met. It's odd, because I can't remember experiencing this cluster of feelings. Which for a Capricorn Sun with Aquarius Moon and Virgo Rising, this is an uncomfortable space to be in; an understatement. However, as I acknowledge areas of maturity along with spaces which need quite a bit of nurturing, love and light I recognize sadness and some regrets and I do not know what to do with them. I understand their origin and I still believe the reasoning behind those decisions, yet the emotions are what they are, which leaves particular feelings associated with the long term affects I suppose. I try not to dwell on those decisions even with the outcomes being what they are, I figure those are my scars from this life; my prayer is often that I'll remember these lessons, especially the painful ones in order to make my next life the best one (that I know of). Although as of late I've grown to love fantasizing about another life where I avoid the mistakes, poor decisions and sabotage experienced in this one; but somewhere in-between those thoughts I have to remind myself that this one is not over yet. I don't know how to explain these feelings and my thoughts regarding them are even more confusing. 

With so many planets in retrograde (Jupiter, Saturn, Mercury and Pluto) it's no wonder I'm full of curiosity surrounding the concept of retrospection and renewing my mind, in a sense. It wasn't until today that I thought about some decisions and the rationalization behind them as well as how they may be shaping outcomes which no longer serve my higher self and I thought to revise or refine them in a way that coincides my current philosophies. I think back on previous expressions on the other blog The World Outside My Window and at times I wish I would have allowed it to be public as it was originally instead of deleting many of the posts written prior to the decision to allow others to view my words. I probably blogged approximately 2 years before what shows as the first post; I've done that a lot over the years, I remember I wrote something in junior high school and it was published in some school paper, one day I was upset about something and I tore it up and threw it in the trash. Days such as today it would be sentimental to have it with my other mementos, but I've parted with that reality long ago. I try not to do things like that anymore, but from the looks of the aftermath of my most recent anxiety attack I may have done just that. I haven't exactly accepted some of the damage done, primarily as it relates to meaningful items I can't find and the tears which refuse to fall; I want to find a way to express these emotions in a healthy and positive way because in all honesty, they scare me. Not in the sense of being terrified, but more. so anxious. Dealing with feelings and emotions may be one of my least favorite things to do, mainly because I rarely understand my feelings. At times I feel things and I don't recall if they are based on actual events or a fantasy of what would be ideal in my head. Which could explain why I've kept journals since childhood and why some of the things written were so detailed; some things even written in a tone to always remember as if to remind myself when I re-read the words to never forget those feelings and the meanings behind them. One of the things that helped once I returned home was to see and rediscover so many things that I cherish surrounding me.

I look back over the years, mainly the past 5; and how had someone told me then the things that I would endure and decisions I'd be forced to make I would not know where to begin in my disbelief. For example, I wrote "Words" in May 2013 yet the words can be posted tomorrow on this blog and still be as truthful as they were then. All The Things I Wont Say is still true, yet I have not learned how to stay encouraged while with others; before the last anxiety attack I had grown extremely isolated, I practiced anti stalking as often as logically possible. I see now the blindspot this behavior created and now I am striving to overcome the aftermath of it all. When it come to "Trust Issues vs. Intuition" I find myself stuck a bit on the same concept; trust issues can be a hard thing to shake especially when you are Aquarius Moon and are naturally skeptical of every thing. Then I realize as I attempt to think of a post title, "I don't know how I feel"... What does it even mean when you are full of feelings yet can't identify any of them? How do you move forward from there? I don't even understand why all of this is happening right now; I could blame Saturn Retrograde as it is the ruler of my Capricorn Sun or perhaps Jupiter and Mercury Retrogrades have something to do with it... I haven't researched enough about Pluto to point any fingers, all I know is the Cosmos in addition to my inner Universe is going through a bit of chaos and I am praying to come out on the other side unscathed...

May the odds be ever in our favor.

Beware of Illusions: Don't Feed the Delusions

"Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly."

Morticia Addams

Prior to the election this past voting season, I was dealing with various issues which can cause the average person to stress; however with anxiety disorder everything becomes on high alert or high priority. So to say that during and after the shenanigans as well as the ridiculous results the triggers were ever-present in addition to functioning throughout my daily life has been on the side of chaos might be an understatement. On occasion while running the usual errands or conversing with a neighbor someone will make mention that I don't seem as if I have anxiety disorder, which I have learned to take as a compliment to the behind the scenes "work" I do to understand and manage my self now. I won't go into detail about a recent situation which as a result landed me in the hospital for about a week. I can almost laugh now, seeing how I was just acknowledging, and possibly on some level celebrating the fact that I had not been hospitalized since 2014. Sometimes that's just how life works, while other times, such as this occurrence (from my perspective), we can be provoked into an experience that might have otherwise been avoided or prevented. I find that in recent years I've had issues with new "friends" where I'll meet people along the way and we may mesh well together. I make a point to inform everyone I deal with on a regular or consistent basis of the disorder, for various reasons. Yet, somehow some feel as if that's an invitation to attempt to take advantage of me in some way while others have chosen to debate me on my word usage and diagnosis; as if I am not really suffering with an illness.

That's the thing with invisible health issues, (some) people feel as if the display of symptoms or treatment is the only way to know a person has legitimate health concerns. Which I find not only insulting but offensive in some way; perhaps it's my hypersensitivity, nevertheless, whatever a person truly feels or deals with in their life whether it is in their mind, body, soul or spirit; in most cases who are we to say it is not so? I had someone tell me recently "I wish you saw yourself the way I see you. I think you're perfect..." and went on to say that I should stop telling myself that I have a disorder and some other foolishness. Without context it may seem as if the person had my best interest in mind while telling me these things however it was not, the reason being the objective was for me to fall for or fit into an illusion created for me; which would then make me delusional regarding my mental health issues creating far worse outcomes than accepting the difference of who I am (prior to and post diagnosis). The other issue with that is for someone who barely knows me, I say barely because if you've followed my blog(s) and/or social media you may have observed that I am a private person and at times even when sharing I tend to be a bit vague or "cryptic"; I am the same, if not worse in real life. For someone who did not know me before the initial anxiety attack to tell me who I am and what I should be telling myself is absurd, especially when those people are not in the mental health profession. While on the flip side I've had someone I've known for many years say to me that they'd begun to research anxiety disorder to gain a better understanding, stating that although they still aren't clear on every aspect they are willing and committed to giving me space, honoring my privacy and respecting my boundaries while maintaining our relationship. That in my opinion is what is necessary when someone shares such a private and personal reality. I think it's foolish to believe some of the illusions other people may shower you with, mainly because as they say, "the grass is always greener on the other side" just like how things will appear different from "the outside looking in". 

As someone who spends a lot of time, money and energy studying mental health; mainly the disorders I now find myself living with I think many of us have gained a greater appreciation for the simple things that are often taken for granted or unappreciated. I am not saying that we should not be mindful of our self-talk, but I am suggesting that we should not allow others to "gas" us up into thinking that mental illness is just something to say for attention; and more importantly we should not do that to ourselves. However if a person does have an experience or chose to identify a particular way that may not make sense to us who does it harm in accepting their choices? I am not saying that we all have to understand everything without research, candid conversation and tolerance, what I am saying is, if a person can articulate themselves in a way that shows a level of logic, reason, ration in addition to others resonating with those specific issues why are we still so divided as a society? I will admit, prior to being diagnosed with mental illnesses I did not think much about mental health on a daily basis; I did not experience anything to my knowledge that made the topic a priority for me, yet I have for the most part been an empathetic person so if something affects other people I care on some level. So for me to be on this side of things now I have experienced more than enough apathy, which I despise; making me wish to do more to advocate for those like me who may not be the typical or stereotypical face of a cause. True, somethings only show when you are extremely close to see or when given the privilege of seeing what goes on behind the scenes, but that is not always how life works nor is anyone obligated to display such personal things in order for someone else to be "okay" with their choices.

A few things came out of my recent mental health crisis; first I was reminded of how isolation truly is dangerous (see the book, 48 Laws of Power, for reference), secondly, I reconnected with family and finally I was able to learn of a blind spot within myself which has become a trigger. One thing that has helped me over the past 5 years of dealing with my mental health is to identify triggers as soon as possible and work to eliminate or manage them in a way that they are spotted early on and minimized before sending me over the edge. This time I was not as lucky, but the lessons learned may not only help prevent it from happening to me again (in this fashion), but I hope in writing these words that they may help someone else battling whatever it is you may be facing. My prayer is that God sees us through any and all difficulty we find ourselves in as well as send the appropriate help, healing and wisdom needed to persevere and/or endure until we are able to overcome or reach our goal(s). I also pray that whatever you need, in whatever aspect of your life that God guides and directs your path to see you through.

Love & Light 💗✨

Kamille 

This Brokenhearted Girl

"My heart wants roots. My mind wants wings. I cannot bare their bickerings"

E. Y. Harburg

After acknowledging the condition of my heart as well as my mind, in addition to the current climate of today's society; I found myself feeling extremely melancholy and somewhat depleted.  At one point I began to reflect on who I once was and how that girl would handle these emotions.  So yesterday I wanted to change my cellphone number, shut down my Facebook account and "disappear" from almost all of the people I know in real life. I felt so many emotions ranging from one extreme to another. While all of this is going on under the surface my outward demeanor would suggest that I am "calm, cool and collected" (typical Capricorn); which couldn't be farther from my reality. I made sure to monitor my mental and emotional health in hopes to avoid anxiety attacks, mainly because experience with these issues has taught me that an anxiety attack in my current state could very well escalate into a manic stage and all options from there are ones that I do my damnedest to avoid. As I've shared in previous expressions on this blog as well as my old one, when I feel this way I try to redirect some of my energy to other things or people who either come to mind or cross my path. At some point after expressing prayers and support for the missing children in Washington D.C., I extended my prayers to all those who are missing or displaced. Followed by meditation; where I was blindsided by feelings, memories and thoughts surrounding my own life, some of which are so far removed I have difficulty interpreting if the memories are of actual events, distorted dreams or completely made up delusions. I'm sure that may not make much sense, and probably to your surprise I am going to explain (somewhat).

Lately, I have had bouts of anger, resentment, regret in addition to the ever-present feelings of anxiety and depression. When I recognize that I am feeling this way I make a conscious effort to focus on my breathing and meditate, the past few times after doing this I feel as if I was transported to memories of my childhood when I'd be sad or upset and I'd go into my Grandmothers' bedroom and rest my head on her leg as she'd lay watching television. In those times I never had to overshare or over explain why I'd done this, often she wouldn't even say anything, she'd just run her fingers through my hair or tell me a story/parable and before I knew it I felt better; sometimes I'd shed a tear or two; or  just lay in silence watching whatever she had on. Occasionally I find myself grieving her passing as if it was recent, I try not to allow my thoughts to take me down that lane of memories because the length of time from when I expressed my "good bye" was much earlier than when she actually passed. I won't go into detail, but somehow I knew my last visit with her would be just that; I also accepted the reasons why it would be the last which allowed me to be at peace. I don't go to funerals; I've gone to approximately 3 in this lifetime and after the last one I said I would not attend another, with the exception of my own and a few other people should they pass on before me. So I did not visit her during her last days or attend her funeral, nor did I explain to anyone why. Then approximately 6 months later my Grandfather passed. I, again, grieved in my own way, but did not attend his funeral. However, in recent months I have felt them during my times of despair; I recall their words of wisdom and find comfort.

Occasionally I'll have an overwhelming desire to connect with family; as if that is the key to the void I feel. Typically I remain disconnected, mainly because the family members I have relationships with aren't responsible for nor contributed to the void I feel and the ones who are responsible will never admit to or reconcile so I've buried and made peace with the reality that we don't exist in one another's dimensions. Unfortunately, on a subconscious level various people, memories, etc., have begun haunting me via my dreams. One day after being bombarded by insomnia I decided to heavily medicate in order to induce sleep which had become much needed. I had several "nightmares" that day; prior to awaking I wrote the most fascinating blog entry which was forgotten as my eyes opened. That happens more often than I care to share; yet this time (which has also been known to happen) I was reminded of previous expressions I'd shared on my other blog The World Outside My Window. After revisiting those words I recognized how much of them I still wrestled with even after all of this time. When I shared I guess it's time to get this out and Sometimes I Feel... I was dealing with fertility concerns along with a sporadic case of "baby fever" so the desire to connect with my Mother; or reconnect with my Aunt and Grandmother felt imperative. It was as if I needed them in order to fill some deficiency I was unaware of or unfamiliar with. Since writing and sharing these words in 2012 I was betrayed in ways I feel are unforgivable; nevertheless, these "mother issues" are exposed and not only am I unsure how to heal these wounds I am determined to do so without communication with the women who created them. 

That's something you don't hear about, we all have become aware of "daddy issues" even if we aren't completely sure what they are, we know someone who identifies or fit the description, but what are "mommy issues"? Aside from the term "momma's boy" I can't think of any other reference to the concept. Over the years I have attempted to research, but have yet to discover anything that sheds light on what I feel at the time; so it gets buried again until times like now. I have some theories regarding "the way I am" and how some of my personality traits and overprotective boundaries may stem from feeling/being abandoned by my mother, but other than that how does it all effect a person's psychological make up?  I believe I touched on it when I shared Daddy's Little Girl, the contrast of a loving, attentive father and a woman who carried me during pregnancy and gave birth. After the battle of my thoughts, feelings and memories I asked myself "am I being too hard on her?" then I began to search for memories of something she taught me or ways she made a positive impact in my life- the person I have been, who I am now and/or the woman I am striving to become; and I came up empty. Since that conversation with myself I have been searching for the root of the question"why is all of this coming up now?" which reminded me of the words in How Did I Get Here. It's amazing how God works; how the Universe comes together in synchronicity to uncover and/or assist in answering questions; revealing truths or what have you. Although I am still unsure why these exact feelings have begun to bubble up for me, I am aware that I have been meditating on my purpose as well as studying my natal chart; not only as a way of self-discovery, but I suppose also as reassurance to the path I feel as if I am on regarding my spiritual journey. 

So back to yesterday, after deciding to keep my current cellphone number and Facebook account in tact I scrolled around on Twitter and found myself "eavesdropping" on a conversation that appeared on my timeline discussing "shadow work" and "dark room meditation"; I then made a mental note to research the two when I was reminded of someone I know through divine order. Around the last quarter of 2016 as I shared I had this overwhelming urge to prepare for 2017, in the midst of this chaos I felt completely alone, so I prayed. I rarely pray to God to "send" things or people to me; but this particular time I did, not long after that prayer was said and forgotten I received a message on Instagram from someone I'd met through Twitter, but had not seen online for quite some time. Long story short, we both prayed almost identical prayers at approximately the same time frame and were connected. It's uncanny how we share some of the same experiences, insights, etc., so when she mentioned "inner child work"; which has always been an area of self-therapy that I avoided, I knew she wasn't saying it by happenstance, nevertheless I resisted initially. Not long after that conversation I apologized because I knew she not only meant well, but she was/is a vessel (as I have been/am to her). So I decided I would take "baby steps" into my inner child work and heal the damage that I knew of; which honestly wasn't the issue, it is the damage I am unaware of that is chilling in my subconscious that I have been afraid of. 

Once I recognized the emotions I took a moment to meditate and allowed the tears to fall, then I slept. My dreams were all over the place and many were unpleasant, but not long after I awoke I received a message on Twitter from someone who had viewed my profile and brought up an area of interest that I had only shared with one other person (my spiritual sister mentioned above); this particular area of interest came to mind around the time I had been on leave from work for a few months and was experiencing quite a few transitions. Due to the circumstances my mental state was compromised so I was unsure if it was something that I should seriously entertain or if it was a spiritual enlightenment or awakening type situation in terms of my purpose. To my surprise I did not expect this chain of events especially after the conversation with my friend just last week, along with various postings regarding the growing pains of spiritual awakening(s) and maintenance. Although I am unsure how it will all play out I am confident in knowing that "all things work together for the good of them who love God, to them who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28) as well as the scripture which says "I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). 

This space of being with the complexities of mental and emotional health along with spiritual growth,  societal issues together with the changes of life can be extremely overwhelming; but I am learning to unplug, allow the feelings and emotions to run their course, chat with loved ones and allow God to move in my life to direct my path. It is not easy, by far; as I shared in Don't Be Deceived... nevertheless, I am encouraging myself (along with anyone who feels encouraged and/or can relate) some days are better than others, but I truly believe when it's all said and done, regardless of your "religious" or spiritual beliefs, in the end we will fulfill the plans God has for us as the scriptures say which will prosper us and bring out our very best in ways to contribute to our home here on Earth; not only for ourselves, but for one another as well as the generations to come.

Be Well & Happy New Moon 🌑💗✨; I pray God speaks to the situations and circumstances of our lives and heals the broken spaces, enlighten and awaken the purposes within us and strengthens the spirit of justice, harmony, equality, wisdom and Love throughout the atmosphere.

Blessings,

Kamille

Sometimes You Break My Heart

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.”

 William Shakespeare

I can not recall when it began or when I realized it had begun, but my heart aches. For whatever reason I was oblivious to being in this condition until I was “smack dab” in the middle of it. I’d acknowledged at some point there had been a heart break yet I figured since I was aware of it there would be no need for it to affect me emotionally. I thought since I know my heart was (or perhaps still is) broken I should not experience the feelings associated with being brokenhearted. Or so I thought…

As I attempted to discover the source of the developing feelings, I found myself thrown off balance when I came to realize what I thought was the cause of this particular heart ache was only the tip of the iceberg; so to speak. I have been reliving the past five years in my mind and how I have endured almost every type of heartbreak you could imagine. From “losing” friends, fall-outs with family members, in addition to various personal challenges as well as those more intimate. Through it all I had come to rely on someone and was encouraged to trust them with a certain space of my heart. At one point during the experiences following trauma and diagnoses I felt as if this person was the one helping me hold it all together. I placed them in a part of my heart which held the “old me” in place in the midst of chaos, or the “me” that is emerging from within the chaos. And when I was told “I got you” as vague and misleading as those words have been known to be, I believed them. I believed that the fantasy of what I wanted and felt was needed at the time was being brought to life; while overlooking the scrutiny of knowing the lies I chose to feed myself. 

All this time I convinced myself the end of this “relationship” was why I felt aches in my heart. I believed the absence of this person from my life was revealing the impact of our connection. Then I became upset; remembering a quote (shown below) which took the light off of myself and pointed at someone else for causing me to feel as I was. The quote says:

“The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.”

Bob Marley

I felt as if he had betrayed me in a way I for one, never saw coming and secondly never expected from him. Prior to the traumatic series of events we had known one another for nearly a decade. As friends in addition to “off and on” intimately. During that time I believed that what we had was unique although I knew on some level I wanted more romantically, I just never expected it from him. I don’t want to diminish what we shared as a “seat filler”, because in it’s own way it was special. Nevertheless, I felt as if we’d continue with things the way they had been until I met someone who was everything I wanted, needed and desired. Until I was told things which persuaded me to become vulnerable, in ways I believe a person not truly intending to love wholly deserves. In my fragile state of being words were spoken that made me think the situation had morphed into more and eventually it became apparent this scenario was not meant to last as hoped. I am not sure why things didn’t pan out on his end and I choose not to speculate, but for me, I am still figuring it out which is partly why I decided to share. 

This past week after assigning blame to him for misleading me, a thought quickly came to mind as I felt as if I was “missing” him; as I have felt over the past few months. Usually when I’ve had a decision to make and I think, “who is the person I’d like to discuss this with?” or when I’ve had news I’d think “if we were still speaking I could share this with him” emotionally I’d then feel a sense of “loss” all over again. Similar to the days following my decision to leave this situation many months ago. As I allowed those thoughts to linger I was reminded of actual occurrences when I’d shared news or needed to make a decision and was told “you’ll figure it out; you always do”; which was followed by memories of tension, misunderstandings or neglect. I remembered the countless times I needed time, attention and such and was brushed off because I had always been a “strong woman” who didn’t need those things from him; according to him. My anger then turned towards someone else; actually a few things. I became angry with my upbringing (I’ll share more in regards to that in another post), soon after I was angry with myself.

For a change I was not upset with myself for allowing myself to love him, or even with him for awakening a love I’d never expected to show to him and honestly forgot existed. I was upset with myself for knowing I was being “sold a bill of goods” and being willing to travel the dead end road. I had lost so much since developing mental illnesses the idea that he and I could have something more than what we’d always had made me want to believe I would not lose him too. I wanted to believe that although he was who I desired physically, he had not shown himself to be “the one” I needed; emotionally or spiritually. I have not sorted out all of my thoughts or feelings concerning him, but I am in a space where I can accept my part in this particular situation, not necessarily in specific detail, but more so the theory of seeing incompatibility and disregarding it resulting in an attachment that is no longer available.

On the bright side one thing that I have learned through (over) analyzing this ordeal was something I’ve read many moons ago, yet didn't completely understand the way I do now. Often when I am extremely depressed or feeling overwhelmed and anxious I’ll open the Bible app and set it to the audio book version; I typically begin with Psalms with the intention of listening to the scriptures throughout Proverbs, Ecclesiastes and Song of Songs or Song of Solomon. These have always been my favorite “books”, especially Ecclesiastes, but on occasion I’ll listen to Song of Solomon and long for that type of love. Until recently I never thought I desired romantic love, I think I buried it with my best friend. Only to discover a different love years later, a relationship I rarely think about or mention. I allowed myself to fall madly in love with someone and circumstances along with various obstacles often interfered with our relationship resulting in me leaving the situation. As I committed to myself I would never allow myself to feel those things for another person again I believe I forgot the awesomeness of being loved and loving someone to that magnitude. Just to find myself not necessarily in a similar narrative but the words expressed at that time and space tapped into a spot in my heart that had been neglected or better yet abandoned since my late teens, early 20s (but that’s a story for another time). Over the past few hours I have concluded that I can no longer abandon any part of love, there is only heartache attached to picking and choosing which types of love to embrace and which to discard. I believe I will share more on that at another time. Sadly I can not determine how much longer my heart will remain broken however I respect the process of healing, and more importantly I have learned something that should have been taught to me as a young girl.

I’ve often considered writing an alternative blog with the concept of writing all of the things I would teach my younger self if it were possible. Or if I could share various lessons learned with the intention of sparing others the heartache and heartbreak learned over the course of my life (thus far). I think one of the main ones would be not only to guard your heart, but to protect it in a way where no one can persuade you from what you know to be true. If you know a person, job, decision, etc. will lead to an undesired outcome and there’s no logical reason to do it other than to “allow things to run it’s course”, that to me is a recipe for disaster. Because in the long run things will turn out as you knew they would; or perhaps worse than expected leaving you to heal wounds that could have been avoided. As I encourage myself, I would like to encourage others: 

“Young women of Jerusalem, I charge you: do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time.”

Song of Solomon, 8:4 Holman Christian Standard Bible

I take from that scripture what I shared above, with the understanding that love can be a beautiful thing, when it is appropriate. Society forces us from an extremely young age to be obsessed with relationships, marriage, “twin flames”, “soul mates” and such; yet there is little to no counseling on when someone is truly ready to give or receive those ideas and responsibilities. It is far too easy to say “I love you”, but the substance of those words and the intention of truly loving someone with all of their baggage, wounds accumulated throughout their life, various conditions as well as current circumstances may be far more than bargained for when simply stated “I got you” or “I’ll be here for you” especially when life often takes us in unexpected directions and someone is depending on your love, care, support or whatever to help them through the bricks life throws at us at times. I believe this particular heartbreak is different from any other experienced throughout my life. I say that because this one has allowed a light to shine not only into how I feel currently, but how I have allowed myself to bandage the wounds of past relationships without proper reflection, care and understanding which prevented my heart from healing fully to begin with. The barriers I built around the concept of love in order to prevent the pain I felt when someone I loved died suddenly or challenges arose which caused me to question a persons trustworthiness and character. I never truly allowed myself to get to know someone or let them know me in a way that would honestly build a foundation for a long-lasting, transparent relationship to grow. Even with honesty and vulnerability we can still keep people out of our most fragile spaces within our being which only says “you’re not ready” or “it’s not the appropriate time”. I believe where I went wrong in my most recent situation was I thought I could overlook the areas where we had not built a foundation of transparency along with areas where I had inserted him in a space designed by others before him. I was attempting to make him fit the void of loves I’d experienced and lost while desperately trying not to lose him too. The thing is, he did not belong where I wanted him to be and I hadn't taken the time to see or let him show where he did belong. In addition to whatever issues he found in me there was no way for this to end without heart ache, but the lesson learned has been worth the pain; because I now recognize the error(s) and I refuse to knowingly endure this type of ordeal again. I have made a promise to myself, I will no longer break my own heart with stubbornness, romanticized delusions or unwillingness to be vulnerable outside of my comfort zone.

I pray the lessons learned will suffice and going forward I will allow myself to heal fully and properly, admitting I would like to be in love and love someone completely; but only when I am ready when the appropriate time comes.

Happy March 🍀💚✨

As I was preparing for the month of March and navigating through the chaos that is my life, I sought out to find a "flowery" photo to highlight the approach of Spring (pictured to the left) in alignment with all of it’s refreshing "new beginning" energy; however seeing the photo I posted on my Instagram account sparked a thought, or more so a challenge to myself and I decided to share. As I am attempting to find balance, healing, understanding and so on I want to make sure that I am also growing- mentally, emotionally, spiritually as well as intellectually. Remembering my life before the anxiety attack and subsequent diagnosis of anxiety disorder I have always been a “nerd”. I enjoy learning and researching the origin of things I find interesting. However after developing the various disorders and conditions I have had a few occurrences where i was not in my “right state of mind”; but thats a story for another day. Nevertheless, since the last experience I make a point to keep my mind active. One of my coping mechanisms has become to use my OCD to my advantage when possible. A technique I learned in therapy, however now I find myself being overwhelmed quite often, even with what someone who does not experience issues with anxiety or depression would classify as a “simple task”. A while ago I noticed the increase of anxiety attacks started happening at the beginning of the month; noticeably more often than other times of the month. So I began to organize my calendar to the fullest detail. In order to take the focus off of appointments, bills and the usual birthdays; I decided to add various astrological occurrences, fun and/or obscure holidays and other cute or funny tidbits that made it less dreadful to turn the page of my calendar.

In February 2017, I decided to share on social media various “holidays” as well as observe Black History Month. As the days went by I will say that February was tough! I did my best to keep things to myself with the exception of mentioning that something was going on without any real details (for privacy). I found that although I am unhappy with some aspects of my life focusing on others, celebrating their “wins” helped me see a few subtle ones of my own as well as shifted my focus from my “problems” to sources of encouragement, strength, love, comfort and support. This past week as I thought I was beginning to brainstorm an expression for the blog I found myself engulfed in several videos of sermons on You Tube, in nothing short of a miracle; each touched on areas which was/is causing my unhappiness, anxiety, depression, etc. As if God was/is speaking directly to me. I’ve had these types of experiences before, one in particular coincides with the situation expressed in my last post “The Moon, My Soul & Love- The Perplexity”, during the time I was struggling to accept the changes my life had turned; I recall I had been on leave for a few months and it was clear that I was still unable to return to work. This was one of the most difficult spaces I had been in as it was completely new, I had never gone through anything of this magnitude in my entire life. During a period of time I’d consecrated myself in my room and slept; as if I could sleep my life away. While I was awake I prayed, cried and meditated then force myself to return to my dreams. I felt as if life was better there, because in my dreams I didn’t suffer from any disorders or conditions. After nearly a week of this I had a thought of a topic to search on You Tube, as soon as I did all of the “perfect” messages began to come through as if they were “just for me”. Well, that’s how I spent the past few days, with the exception of insomnia so there was no luxury of sleeping the pain away. After studying about five sermons and numerous scriptures I started on my calendar for March (which I was “supposed” to begin at least a week ago).

So back to my photo search, unexpectedly I also found a few "journal prompt" lists that I think may be a fun way of sharing on here; in addition to social media. I think it may help decrease (some of) the pressure to post. Sometimes due to anxiety disorder and it’s strange battle with my Soul I experience increased anxiety fueled thoughts and emotions surrounding how often I post along with sorting through an abundance of thoughts of what I could write while I’m trying to figure out my own brain. It’s confusing and I with all I am attempting to understand things now each discovery seems to mock how much there is to know regarding mental health. It is overwhelming! So I often shut everything down and find ways to remind myself of the objective of it all. I found myself using social media as well as blogging as a form of self therapy as I find myself without a therapist (or many true friends; near me in addition to outside of social media). The reason I chose to allow the blog to be public rather than keep my thoughts and writings to myself is (hopefully) to shine a light of awareness onto the topic (mental illness), especially  with the youth, young adults and my peers; along with the stigma throughout the Black Community. Combining aspects of encouragement, support and a safe space for anyone who can relate to the things I share (which is why I prefer organic follows, followers, likes, etc.). After sharing some of these words on my Instagram account (referenced above) I decided to share all at once, most of the fun, enlightening, supportive “holidays” in the coming month as well as other useful information as opposed to how it kind of happened in the spur of the moment throughout February. Once I realized we are beginning to  round out the first quarter of 2017 my prayer is to focus more intently to my goals, dreams, mental health, emotional health, physical health, and healing while finding more ways to experience happiness, laughter and relaxation. With that said, I hope you all join me in finding ways to improve our lives, environments and ultimately the energy of the world.

As Above, So Below 💗✨

view March 2017 Observations & Astrological Events

The Moon, My Soul & Love- The Perplexity

"the heart is the secret inside the secret"
Rumi

It's always interesting when the Moon effects me; especially during the New Moon.  I feel so open and free; unlike other Moon phases.  I haven't decoded exactly how or why things differ, but it always comes to mind during the Full Moon. At times I find myself confused by these differences and how they are so drastic. It's fascinating because not only do I feel these influences differently during each respective phase, but it is extremely different as I've grown in age as well as spiritually. To the point I find myself over-thinking what to share and how much to keep to myself.  I suspect it is because the desire to share violates my overprotective need for privacy. As I shared in Black with Some Blues the Full Lunar Eclipse Moon in Leo made a point to highjack my feelings in such a way that I was forced to not only face them, also to deal with them.  I have been thinking a lot about my future as well as the quality of this life. I used to visualize my life and how I dreamed everything would go; from career to a family and even retirement.  Without going too deep, since accepting the reality of my life, I am forced to discard those dreams; which has become devastating. Shortly after I began observing Sacred Time at 4 a.m. I recognized areas of denial, this reminded me of an entry I published on my previous blog. I recall in The Danger of Denial where I had to accept the need for medication and how I could not believe certain things until I'd honestly acknowledged their existence. Now that I find myself in a similar circumstance I had to acknowledge the fact that I have been in denial which was causing me to procrastinate on a very important matter.  

Once I realized this I became extremely anxious and depressed, which informed me that I not only needed to take a step back, but I also needed to figure out a way to move forward.  In being honest about the denial I discovered the heartache which still does not feel resolved. Nevertheless, the other aspects of this particular heartbreak have now taken a back seat to the thought that I may need to  grieve those dreams. It feels overwhelming at this age to have such a responsibility; to begin to dream again paired with the magnitude of my decisions. The other factor is this time those dreams come with the reality of limitations; or should I say, additional obstacles. As I take steps to understand who I am in addition to who I chose to become; I was forced to accept my condition more than ever. Not long after the initial diagnosis, I was advised to complete an advance directive yet since the initial suggestion (along with every suggestion after that) I found myself depressed. Of course none of us know the outcome of our lives, but when you're relatively healthy you may not consider decisions the same as someone who has health issues.  I know prior to my initial anxiety attack I thought I'd live a long, full and happy life. So the idea of making these decisions now put into thought the possibility of my life being cut short.  I then became angry; at this point I felt like a bubble of emotions and I had no idea how to express them. 

I began to pray for tears; as I've shared on various social media outlets, I rarely cry.  I remember times I'd gone years without tears; without a thought.  But realizing I had been in this state of depression and devastation for over 3 weeks made me painfully aware that if I didn't snap myself out of these feelings and begin to take steps to heal I'd lose control.  The tears began to stream slowly until the prayers reached a spot in my heart unleashing some of the hurt, resentment, anger and sadness. When the tears dried, I began to meditate and pray; for the first time asking God to restore the possibility of a long life.  I've been holding onto the fear and anger attached to the concept that life with mental illness means that the life (that I wanted) was taken from me and finding a way to make the most of the life that has been given to me. That is around the time my morbid sense of humor stepped in allowing me to look past the mental illness (briefly) and think of what I want; from the space in my heart that had been opened during this experience.

As I geared up for the complete 2nd week of February which sparks many of my favorite "holidays" I realized the intense feeling of Love had taken me hostage.  For years the "holiday season" which consists of Thanksgiving, Christmas and on occasion, New Year's are rather difficult for me; as my birth date approaches my mood can be "hit or miss", but something about Galantine's, Black Love, Valentine's and Single's Awareness Day I feel extremely different; even if only for a short while. I may have mentioned it before, I think it has something to do with the condensed energy surrounded by the commercial industry focusing on greeting cards, candy, flowers and other gifts; many of my favorite things.  This year however was a bit different as I am not in any type of relationship; other than with myself so to speak.  I won't go into the details, but I feel so detached from everything/everyone.  Yet I feel as if I am overflowing with Love. I decided that I would express my love of life, love and this particular season as I felt was most appropriate as the opportunity presents itself; if only it were that simple more often. Since the revelation of part of my sadness I decided to at least take a step in the direction of completing those documents; even if it takes baby steps to finish. The other thing is the matter of my heart, I remember, prior to the engulfment of emotions I stumbled upon something that brought to my mind the concept of metaphysics.  

As I dove into the endless research found on the topic I found another space in my heart that I had long forgotten about.  After my last "relationship" if you would call it that; I'd begun to accept the reality of long-term singleness. As I wrestled with the thought I found myself seeing someone, immediately I knew it would not develop into anything so I was delighted to block and delete. Since then my heart has grown cold. I've always been nonchalant about relationships, mainly because along with my overprotective need for privacy I also have an overwhelming dislike for commitment.  I'd loved intensely a few times and those relationships ended tragically so at some point I gave up on romantic love. I figured on some level it was not for me and I could quite honestly do without it. I still believe that to be true; yet as I am forced to prepare for the rest of my life and reflecting on life since the onset of these mental illnesses I am frieghtened of my future remaining as it has been for the past 5 years. I do not know if that means I am choosing to open myself to the possibility of other forms of love or if I am simply caught up on the Cosmos. I do know that my Soul is longing for something I have yet to experience; or perhaps an experience I've pushed so far into my subconscious that it slips my mind. 

Maybe it's the Moon,  the effects of the Moon rituals from the past 6 months or the situation I find myself in, but I feel as if the space in my heart that decided to open wants to teach me something. Maybe it was always there and I chose to ignore it until my reality forced it to confront me. I am not sure exactly why this has become my battle to face, but there is no other choice except to fight it. Although I am fighting for a life and future I did not design, how could I give up? I would not have believed if someone said to me this would be my life, as I am sure anyone else would react the same. The difference I suppose is the belief that God will not put more on us than we can bare and that all things are working together for the good... When depression, anxiety and emotions mix together you are bound to have some level of explosion; so I have made a conscious effort to saturate myself in Self Care and Self Love, listening to my Soul as I am guided where I am supposed to be. It's odd, because I have never been in this space before and it has forced me to stand on what I believe as well as discard, challenge or amend my entire way of thinking as various subjects and situations present themselves.

I don't understand much about myself anymore, in comparison to my life prior to 2012; yet I feel as if I will spend the remainder of my days (as the Most High sees fit) to not only comprehend the me of my past, the me I would like to be as well as the me I am currently.  My overall hope is that I can figure it out and detail it in a way that whatever has brought me to this point can be avoided by another. I believe that "everything happens for a reason" yet I would not wish anxiety disorder, severe depression or any other mental illness on another person under any circumstance. Surprisingly as a person who often avoids commitment, this is something I feel in my being is something worth committing to. I've even allowed myself to acknowledge some areas of my advance directive and I am ready to begin the necessary steps to have it in place. Although I pray God keeps my sanity intact, I have experienced times where it had abandoned me; which is a reality I battle daily never to endure again, but realistically, should that be the case I have to be honest with myself and prepare. Through all of the emotional turmoil the silver lining I suppose would be the fact that everything (the Cosmos, circumstances and emotions) aligned to get me to another level of acceptance.  Yes, at times I wish I could rewind time and avoid what created these conditions but seeing how that will never happen I am choosing to rebuke those thoughts and focus on the aspects of this life that are up to me to create; with the guidance of my Soul, the divine feminine energy within and the Spirit of the Most High.  

I realize, by paying attention to the Moon, the Cosmos, various philosophies, enlightenment, awareness, etc. in alignment with the Spirit of the Creator; I believe more than ever that not only does "all things work together for good" but the part of the verse after that, which we often overlook; saying "to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.", Romans 8:28 kjv. I suppose that's the "secret inside the secret" the Soul and the Spirit of God may be aware of what's happening, but we must take notice of the elements in which we abide in order to see truly how things are interconnected as well as when various situations are requiring our attention. As I realize not only the down side of not taking heed to these occurrences but the benefit of nurturing myself (especially since the onset of mental health issues) in a way that I never needed to before. I am discovering (somewhat) daily how these conditions vary from day to day and situation to situation; which forces me to take breaks in order to tune or check in with myself for triggers or unpleasantness yet still enjoy a happy, fulfilling, joyful life.  I haven't discovered that yet, but I strive to spend the rest of my days doing just that.

"it's a long old road, but I'm gonna find the end"

Bessie Smith 

Be Blessed 🌖💗✨
Kamille 

Black with Some Blues

I had another post in the works, however in the midst of gathering my thoughts I was bombarded with feelings and emotions surrounding a situation which occurred sometime ago.  Seeing how I thought I'd resolved those feelings, I even felt as if there was acceptance and closure; for some reason (I know now, the energy of the Full Lunar Eclipse Moon in Leo to be the culprit.) these feelings began bubbling up to the surface in the form of heartache.  It caught me off-guard because as I shared, I thought I had come to accept the outcome and found closure in the circumstances.  Unlike the days of old, I did not run from how I was feeling; I decided to go on the roller coaster of emotions and see what showed up on the other side.  

It's always interesting when I find myself in situations such as these, usually because when I feel as if it may be one area of my self that is calling for my attention (i.e.: heartache) there's typically several issues all relating to that concept which causes me to learn something new about myself or my perception relating to specific things.  As I began to dive into my mind and heart to find the cause of my change in mood there was a brief moment when I was afraid.  As I realized I was only scratching the surface of one issue it became painfully apparent that this particular feeling was attached to so many aspects of my life.  Things began to get somewhat "dark", but not in the stereotypical sense of the word.  I've always had somewhat of a "dark sense of humor" and on occasion, from the reality of my conditions I find myself having thoughts a bit on the morbid side.  Over the years I'd developed an awareness that this often makes people uncomfortable, so I learned early on to keep it to myself; in addition to not allowing it to get out of control.  I recall all of the preconceived notions and superstitions pressed upon me without any explanation as to why these things were "wrong", "bad" or "evil".  I laughed to myself earlier the other evening as I remembered  an exchange with my Grandfather regarding his disapproval of my black finger nail polish.  For years I would not wear it for fear of being perceived a certain way. This lead to a laundry list of things I did not do, wear, say, etc. out of someone else's disapproving comment(s) or preferences.  

I slowly began to see how as independent as I believed myself to be, there were aspects where I allowed society to control who I am.  This of course came as a shock, especially seeing how I had eliminated that way of thinking so long ago; or so I thought.  While taking "inventory" I could suddenly see how these beliefs were so subtle and many were taught to me from a very young age.  Figuring out what was no longer serving me and how I had allowed myself to overlook or dismiss these things for so long became overwhelming and I shut down.  I set my cell phone to "do not disturb" and I prayed, meditated, slept (a lot!) then finally took a few steps towards self-care.  I later decided to pour myself a drink after my thoughts lead to me remember the advance directive I've put off completing for a few years now.  I could feel myself heading towards a bout of depression so I then decided to escape my reality into the land of make believe; i.e.: binge worthy television.  I found a few things to entertain myself in hopes of lifting my spirits and was surprised by strategically placed antidotes mixed into the program I'd selected.  On an unrelated matter I took to a caption on my Instagram stating:

"it still amazes me how the answers just flow... how everything is connected and leads back to The Most High (God) when you connect the dots."

As I continued to process my thoughts, feelings and emotions various songs, television programs, social media posts as well as interactions all tied together to assist me in recognizing the phase of the journey I find myself in.  I realize with all of that I should continue to allow myself the freedom of expression, even when I feel others may not understand.   The interesting thing about it all is I felt initially as if I was heartbroken because of a person, when I am beginning to think I may have been longing for a particular part of myself that has been gone for quite some time.  I realize the strength in my spiritual practices as well as the alignment with the Universe, I mentioned I believe on twitter and maybe Instagram how things have developed since beginning the practice of Full and New Moon rituals provided by Mystic Lipstick.  I've expressed how each ritual theme coincides with an issue that comes up shortly before the Moon reaches a particular phase (Full or New Moon Phase).  As it seems this ritual was no different.  

I find myself in awe at times, because everything truly is connected.  Often times I'll look into information or various thoughts which leads to research and find myself experiencing a certain "knowing" and at times I can even recall my younger self being interested in that particular thing and being told something in which made me shy away from it.  At one point I found myself angry; I felt as if had some of my interests not been stifled at such an impressionable age my life may have taken a different route.  Or maybe some of the "bumps in the road" would have been avoided.  As I made peace with that, I knew the other expression I had been working on would have to take a back seat in order to process the past few weeks.  It wasn't until a couple of days ago when this post actually came together, I had no idea what would be expressed; until I remembered a photo (above) and how I found it humorous for various reasons, then the "title" came together after a song played in my head on a loop (lol) and finally I allowed the fingers and heart to do the talking.  Although I am not sure what will come from releasing the energy detailed in the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse ritual, I have decided that it is time to grow in this area.  Whatever that means.

I haven't gone farther than the mailbox since Thursday; with the exception of social media, I haven't interacted with more than a handful of people.  The introvert in me likes it that way, yet for my sanity I know I will need to interact with others in the very near future which is why I knew I needed to process the sadness and anger before that happened.  As I've been conscious of actually engaging in a spiritual journey I've noticed that I have neglected some of my feelings.  At times I find myself ashamed to admit when I am depressed or sad; I am forced to admit when I am anxious, mainly because suppressing those feelings often lead to circumstances I can not control.  Yet, I think subconsciously I felt that being on a spiritual path meant that I should not get angry.  I don't know where that came from or when it attached itself to my thought pattern.  I found over the past few days I was angry at times, but the way I processed it was a bit different than my old approach.  I realize I have a long road ahead of me, especially with navigating through mental health issues; but I am thankful to be in a space where I can acknowledge my growth and vulnerability, while admitting that I have much more work to do.  I am not sure at this time how much I will share publicly, but I have made the commitment to my self to allow for the necessary expression this process requires.  

To Be Continued...

A Beautiful Disaster

As I've shared vaguely throughout the years the "holiday season" is not my favorite time of year. So I've learned to use those times as introspection in order to focus on an area I'd want to improve upon concerning issue(s) associated with my thoughts and/or feelings. With the intention of healing or at the very least acknowledging the hurt associated with the potential or actual triggers. Last year however was more difficult; I believe as the election approached and the final choices were established my anxiety went haywire. The truth is, for some odd reason I seem to experience some of the worst things of my life in the last part of the year; for example, November 2005, a car accident that quite honestly should have killed me (click the above link for original [edited] post and / or see photos below*). Also in November, the birth date of my best friend; I've never reassigned his standing in my life as the impression he left me with is quite irreplaceable; I've written about him before on the other blog; however since re-publishing it that particular post was one of those chosen to revert to draft, as it is quite personal and I realize it was too intimate to share with the public at this time.  Each year on or around his birth date I find myself reminiscing which since the onset of the conditions can result in nostalgia or a great depression. The worst part of that is I never know which it will be until it happens. Nevertheless, I learned so much from our friendship, he was my first real love; the blueprint to the love I envision still to this day. I won't go into detail, but in January 2002 he chose to commit suicide. I apologize if that is triggering for anyone, unfortunately there is no other way to explain it. As you can imagine even sharing this now has made me a bit emotional. If you can imagine that type of love and the reality of the outcome I believe you can figure my reluctance towards a few things in the realm of vulnerability. Then there was the initial anxiety attack in September 2012 which morphed into anxiety disorder and other mental illnesses.  So typically from September until January I am rather fragile, not that I advertise it; actually I'm sure if I didn't mention it no one would  know.

Now with all of that the disbelief of the possible outcome of this election had me on edge, with one candidate it would be status quo, neither better or worse for a person in my position (a Black woman with disabilities / mental illness, etc.) yet with the other, a "person" who seems to want to set the world on fire (and not in a fun loving, romanticized fashion) we all see the outcome of that; and it's only been a little more than a week. For the first few days I did not leave my house for fear of the atmosphere and news of various attacks. With everything in mind I took an extremely proactive approach towards self-care to ensure I did not become manic.  Which is when I began to look deeper into myself and actually begin some Soul work and according to my Vedic horoscope I have some kind of repressed desire; I began to meditate and pray on the discovery to no avail.  So I decided to gift myself various books on my wishlist in the hopes of my higher self directing me to the hidden gems referenced through the Universe.  

Since the beginning of the year I have made a conscious effort to have scheduled Sacred Time each morning (4-6 am); up until then I simply dedicated whenever I awoke in the day, before break fast.  However since I've incorporated having the time scheduled I've noticed a difference in my spiritual life.  I decided to make this change after beginning the book Sacred Woman: A Guide to Healing the Feminine Body, Mind, and Spirit.  Shortly after I started it, Queen Afua posted on Instagram about a call she was conducting which happened to align with the day I was having and I decided to join.  During the call she discussed the importance of Sacred Time and why it should be done during this time, so I started the following day.  Initially it was a bit difficult due to my battles with insomnia and the fact that my sleep pattern already leaves much to be desired (to say the least).  As I got deeper into the book some other issues and patterns resurfaced which reminded me of another book I'd intended to purchase; Trust by Iyanla Vanzant.  I will admit, I had been avoiding this book for some time as I felt I was not ready to be as vulnerable as it would require.  However, with the soul work I had begun there was no choice; I did not want to deal with any adverse "consequences" associated with rebelling against the needs of my soul.  As the scripture says, "To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams" (I Samuel 15:22b, NIV).  I am glad that I followed the direction of my soul as it lead me to a few interesting revelations in terms of my personality, emotional "wounds" and patterns.  Some of which I was already aware and /or familiar with and others that came as a bit of a surprise, nevertheless, I feel as if I am on the road to discovering my purpose.  

I say that because considering all that I have been through in my life and the recent events which lead to my current conditions along with my knowledge and relationship with The Most High, God; I can not understand this life being as it has been without a purpose somewhere along the way.  As it states in Romans 8: 28, KJV; "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose". I believe I've shared before of the desire I have to write a book, perhaps a novel.  Without going into much detail I would like to write about my life pre-conditions and the adjustments needed to maintain health and sanity with mental illness.  In addition to the information I share about myself on various social media outlets, I find it therapeutic to contribute within the conversations of encouragement, mental health awareness and as of late advocating on behalf of social injustice.  I also find myself to be hypersensitive concerning the narrative I see associated with the continued stigma and narrow-mindedness surrounding mental health and "acceptable" treatment.  On occasion I'll see view points which shadow my own, but on average I find it to be limiting, discouraging and / or shaming; which is also triggering.  I believe I wrote in the past that rather than waiting to find someone to speak in terms that I relate to I should be that voice, even if it's only for myself.  

I think that has been the most difficult to understand; the knowledge of my spiritual life flourishing while through the course of time my mental, emotional and physical health has declined.  Although I know the depth of my faith, the difficultly in accepting limitations that are unfamiliar to me and the life I once lived. I won't go into detail, but what I will share is the feeling as I would imagine when the Titanic crashed into the iceberg; or perhaps an iceberg in general. Understanding the surface is so minute in comparison to what lies beneath. Maybe this will be my life's work, to understand my own brain and how it has changed. Which is another concept I began to explore, for my whole life (prior to the development of mental health issues) I thought your brain is what it is; of course everyone continues to have the ability to learn, but the idea that your brain can change completely and some things you found to be effortless can become extremely challenging due to some event such as an anxiety attack or other developments.  I witnessed an exchange on twitter the other day which lead me to search online for personality test(s); I shared the web address in Instagram because I found it gave me so much insight because of how accurate it was.  This then lead me to Self-Therapy Journey and I thought to share, not only because of the information I received, but because I realize although mental health awareness have become common buzz-words I don't think it is taken seriously by the masses in the way that it should be.  Typically we see dysfunctional behavior and it becomes a meme or a joke and we (speaking in general) circulate it until it's not longer funny or there's another to replace it; however as someone who battles mental health issues I find some things more of a "cry for help" as opposed to humorous.  

I guess if I can take all of my experiences, lessons, blessings, etc. and shed light on an otherwise overlooked aspect of life or lend my "voice" for otherwise unheard communities in which I can relate then what greater purpose is there for me? The good thing about that is, if there is a higher purpose, in time it will be revealed and in the meantime I can do what has become a saving grace for myself (for various reasons) and if by chance someone feels encouraged or heard or what have you; then I know I have made a positive contribution to this place we reside called Earth.  

Blessings & Happy New Moon in Aquarius 🌑♒️💗✨

*November 5, 2005